Lost my wife.

[Forsaken1]

My AMAZING wife passed away in the early morning hours of December 10th, 2010. It's nearly been a year and I've been through group counselling and thought I was doing better. The last couple weeks have been very rough and all I do is wonder why she had to die at 40 years old. I myself am 39 and never expected to be a widower this young. It is the worst pain in the world and I wish it would just stop. I often ask why it couldn't have been me to pass instead of her. I ask a lot of questions and never get an answer. I get angry and cry a lot. Nightly nightmares cause me to get no more than 4 hours of sleep. Yesterday I only had 35 minutes.

Without my Tracy here, life isn't the same and its lost its meaning. It's darker, colder, and seems pointess at times. I find it very hard to lead a normal life without her in it. Nothing makes me happy and nothing can replace what we had for 14 years. In those 14 years we have seen a lot of friends and family members pass on but we were together and relied on each other to get us through. Now, God decided to take the one thing I need always in my life. How am I supposed to keep going? I've tried but I seem to be failing. I am so tired, my mind is fried, and I just want my angel back.

[dmschnei]

My AMAZING wife passed away in the early morning hours of December 10th, 2010. It's nearly been a year and I've been through group counselling and thought I was doing better. The last couple weeks have been very rough and all I do is wonder why she had to die at 40 years old. I myself am 39 and never expected to be a widower this young. It is the worst pain in the world and I wish it would just stop. I often ask why it couldn't have been me to pass instead of her. I ask a lot of questions and never get an answer. I get angry and cry a lot. Nightly nightmares cause me to get no more than 4 hours of sleep. Yesterday I only had 35 minutes.

Without my Tracy here, life isn't the same and its lost its meaning. It's darker, colder, and seems pointess at times. I find it very hard to lead a normal life without her in it. Nothing makes me happy and nothing can replace what we had for 14 years. In those 14 years we have seen a lot of friends and family members pass on but we were together and relied on each other to get us through. Now, God decided to take the one thing I need always in my life. How am I supposed to keep going? I've tried but I seem to be failing. I am so tired, my mind is fried, and I just want my angel back.

I have been sitting here wondering the same thing, why? Although, my husband has only been gone for a couple weeks, i have been lost since the point where the emt said, i am sorry, but he is gone.. I have been able to sleep most nights, but that i believe is because i wear myself down, mentally and physically and i normally can not think anymore. So, 2am comes and i just finally crash.. But I do sleep most nights with a bear I had given him, when we were first together and also a picture of him and i. I don't know if that sounds stupid or not but that is the only way. Was her birthday or a special event in your lives just passed, and that is why you have recently got angry again? Life is not the same and i tell people (friends - it sucks)! Dennis and I had 22 yrs age difference between us, but that was the only difference! We were so alike, and enjoyed the same things from what we watched on tv to going for drives and watching the seasons change! I have told people, I should NOT be a widow at 37yrs old! My husband should still be here! We only had 3 years together, and just this past march, we got our own place! It was GREAT! I was looking forward to this holiday season as it was going to be our firsts! We just got married this past May 2011! So, i was no way expecting my Husband to have a heart attack and leave. I sit here and wonder over and over was there a sign that day? Should I have seen something? Maybe i did and didn't pick up on it! Is it my fault he is not here? I have not worked for 3 years (since i met him). That was his decision! I was fine with that as i spent wonderful time w/ him! No one can understand the pain and hurt you feel, when you lose a spouse! I have apologized to my mom and told her, i am sorry as i didn't understand the pain she went thru when my father passed! I can completely understand your brain being fried. Well, I doubt anything i said helped you, i do understand your pain! I wonder the same things, why? Everyone says, God has his plans for us but right now, that is not comfort either as I had our plans for Dennis and I! He died one month before my bd. All i want to do on my birthday next month is stay in and cry cause My Husband should be here to wish be a happy birthday! and Dag on it..... he won't be! Anyways, maybe your dr can prescribe something to help you? Well, i better get ready for work, as i started a new job yesterday! I am the only one to pay bills now.. and have to do that or i will be evicted and living in the car.. Not really wanting to do that! One more thought.. Do you think writing your wife would help? Someone suggested I write Dennis.. I have not yet, but i was thinking, what can it hurt? Well, take care! Dawn

[Forsaken1]

I've tried writing my wife but it doesn't seem to help. I do talk to her a lot and tell her I love her and miss her everyday. August 5th was her birthday and it was tough but I decided to celebrate somehow. I got a bunch of balloons in the shape of hearts and in her favorite colors. I wrote messages on them to her, went to the park and released them into the air. The wind took them up high and they headed off to the east towards New Mexico where she is buried. It made me sad but also made me feel good that I did something for her birthday. I will be doing this every August 5th until I see her again.

Tracy and I were like best friends, soulmates. We liked many of the same things and she eventually got me to take an interest in things I didn't like before. I never cared for Mexican food but she got me loving it. I like a band called Depeche Mode and she had never heard of them. She became a fan shortly after we met. We shared so many things. We went everywhere together and really missed each other when we were apart. Could not wait to get home from work to see each other. We had 14 years together but it seems like 14 minutes. I just want more time with her.

I'm sorry for your loss, Dms. 3 years is not long enough to be with your husband. I know you feel cheated. That life was good and God just pulled the rug right out from under you both. I know the hurt you feel but I've always believed that we fall in love with the soul of someone. The body is just the soul's temporary container. Its not perfect and wears out eventually. However, the soul is eternal. It's full of love and never forgets the love shared with another. You will be with Dennis again and the love you've both shared will be as strong as ever. I know this is hard but have faith.

[dmschnei]

I am sorry to hear that writing didn't help... I love the idea of You releasing the balloons.. I think i may borrow your idea but may not wait to his birthday as it is in August... Maybe I will even do a balloon on my birthday as it is in Nov and write him a note..

One of my biggest fears, is that Dennis will forget me or forget Our love and won't be there the day i do go and be w/ him... I am not planning on going anytime soon... Though, I do sit around alot and my heart and chest physically hurts...

Dennis and I had an age difference but that didn't matter to us... It is just a number... We were so much alike in other ways.. We loved the same things, and even enjoyed doing the same things...

Now, that halloween is upon us, i want to decorate a tree for christmas but besides being financially, i am not sure what to do... Well, i am off to bed...

Hope Ya are taking care of Yourself!

Dawn

[Bpfeffer73]

My AMAZING wife passed away in the early morning hours of December 10th, 2010. It's nearly been a year and I've been through group counselling and thought I was doing better. The last couple weeks have been very rough and all I do is wonder why she had to die at 40 years old. I myself am 39 and never expected to be a widower this young. It is the worst pain in the world and I wish it would just stop. I often ask why it couldn't have been me to pass instead of her. I ask a lot of questions and never get an answer. I get angry and cry a lot. Nightly nightmares cause me to get no more than 4 hours of sleep. Yesterday I only had 35 minutes.

Without my Tracy here, life isn't the same and its lost its meaning. It's darker, colder, and seems pointess at times. I find it very hard to lead a normal life without her in it. Nothing makes me happy and nothing can replace what we had for 14 years. In those 14 years we have seen a lot of friends and family members pass on but we were together and relied on each other to get us through. Now, God decided to take the one thing I need always in my life. How am I supposed to keep going? I've tried but I seem to be failing. I am so tired, my mind is fried, and I just want my angel back.

I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. On August 2, 2011 at 4:21 pm, I watched the love of my life take his last breath. He was 38, same as me. He had an infection on his heart valve and had open heart surgery in January. That one went well. Then they don't know if it came back or if they didn't get it all the first time and he had to have another surgery on July 21. He didn't make it out of this one being so soon after the first one. He was put on an ECMO life support machine in an induced coma in hopes that his heart would strengthen with rest. But it didn't, instead we watched him slip further away from us untill his whole body started shutting down. 12 terrifying days of this untill Aug 2nd when he took his last breath. I have nightmares about that and seeing him in the funeral home. They keep me up at night. I feel like I'm gonna go crazy wanting him back, knowing that isn't possible. We were so happy together. We were so close, closer then close. Doesn't it make you want to scream because you want then to hold you so bad to take the pain away and of course they can't. And no one else's hugs will do, only their hugs and love and strength and smell and just the feel of them in your arms. And so because they are not here you don't get any hugs, you hug their pillow instead and dare someone to call you crazy. I go to work, I have conversations with people and I have made plans for outings with my family and even his family but the whole time you're doing this you want to scream that you hate this part, hate the pretending. I would rather be at home cuddled up to my love watching a movie. I feel like I'm always one step behind with my thoughts, my grief. Like I'm standing on the outside of myself watching myself trying to "live" and feeling so empty and so broken inside. I hate breathing. He called me his Babydoll and treated me like one..always. We promised eachother always. It's like I guess he did give me his always, but what am I supposed to do with my always now, it was meant for him. I was Mike's girl, so who am I now? I still just want to be Mike's girl. It all just hurts too much, I hate waking up in the morning. I go to a grief support group, it helps, but nothing will take away our loss and pain. Again, I'm sorry for your loss, I know only too well how crippling the loss of the love of your life can be.