I lost My Prince

[dmschnei]

I know it has not even been 2 weeks but i have been beside myself ever since. I want to blame myself, as maybe i should have noticed something! Was there something to notice? Three years ago I met My Prince! I was living in Pa and He was living in AZ. We met obviously over the internet. Everyday i looked forward to and being able to talk with my prince! He would just ask simple things like, how did you sleep and did you eat breakfast? I had been married and officially still was but seperated. These were questions i had never even been asked by my husband. I said, this guy is too good to be true. Well, within a few months, i decided to fly out and meet him. It was a wonderful weekend. It was not even a weekend of fancy lights or anything. It was just so nice to go for drives and see the scenery. To finally just talk to someone who cared and was not demeaning me in the process. Well, the weekend ended and i had to go back home. I did not want to go and he didn't want to see me leave either but i had a job i had to get back to. We had agreed that once i would get a job offer, i would return and move to AZ. Well, within a couple weeks, that is what happened!

I left PA and moved... Then about a year and half ago, we decided to move to WI. He was from here but was living out there cause of a disability and having someone that could assist him some. We moved back and soon after was surrounded with all of his family, as there are alot of kids and grandkids. I was accepted w/ open arms, as we do have an age difference between us. That was the only difference, as we were so alike in every other way. Loved to go for rides, watch the seasons change, enjoy watching sports, same music. He was my perfect soul mate! In my previous relationship, i had lost a lot of self confidence. My Prince changed that! He made me feel proud of who i am! Encouraged me in every aspect of life! He even had me going back to school to further my future! I never went to college, so this was a whole new adventure but he was right there supporting me. I used to hide under clothes that were about 4x too big for me... I stopped after I was w/ my prince!

Then this past May (2011) we got married! The best day of my life! We did not have a church marriage. We both had already done that in life and didn't need to again. So, we married by the local lighthouse! The weather was rainy, cloudy, windy, and cold BUT it was the perfect day to me! His one daughter stood up for me and his one son, stood up for him. We had another daughter come w/ her family and also my future in-laws. We even had a little celebration afterwards at our place. He had originally talked about saying Our I Do's and the go to rummage sales! We didn't care what we did as long as we had each other.

Then almost 2 weeks ago, my world got turned upside down! It was about 12:50am and he was in the bedroom and i was in the kitchen picking up as we were planning on getting our young grandson the next evening for the week. So, i was just trying to pick up here and there. I went into the bedroom at 12:50 and i said "Hon, are you ok? Can I get You anything"? He said, no i am good, i am just going to try to get some sleep. He slept all crazy hours - 1 hour sleep - 1 hour awake some nights. So, i said are you sure and he said yes, so i went back to picking up. About 1:00 i went by the bedroom and everything was ok.. he was sleeping. Then at 1:10 i went to the potty and i happened to look into the bedroom, and I knew something was wrong! I flipped on the bedroom light and noticed more wrong and my heart just started pounding in my chest and i started yelling at him to wake up. WAKE UP! He was not, so i grabbed the phone and dialed 911 and told them to get here cause i thought my Husband was dying! I was yelling to please hurry! They showed up, i guess within 5 mins. I just know it seemed an eternity to me! They got here and apparently tried to revive him for half an hour. No luck....

So now, I sit here and as i write this, think, did the first sign that i noticed second happen first? Should I have seen it? The lights were out in bedroom as it was about 1am and he was trying to sleep. Was there something i noticed that day but didn't pay attn to? Is it my fault cause I didn't go back in the bedroom in 5 mins instead of 10 mins? I just know, I am soo lost, and scared, and my heart hurts soo bad! We finally come to WI and he FINALLY gets to be around all his children. He has a woman who loves him w/ all my heart! I have that same love from him! He had a couple marriages before me but they weren't in love. We had that special love! That connection! Why, after we are so happy and can't get enough of each other, did God take him? He didn't even make 5 months since our marriage!

I have not been able to sleep in our bedroom yet. I sleep in his chair in the living room at night. I hold a bear that i had given him when we first got involved and a picture of us every night! Most nights, i can not fall asleep until about 2am and then i am crying myself to sleep. I am now in the process of looking for a job, so i dont get evicted. He was the one who supported us, as he had a disability and did not want me to work. That way i could be here to help him. I didn't mind helping him, cause i love him!

I don't know where to turn, and i am afraid if i vent to some too much, they will be like, enough already! I know losing a parent is hard, as i lost my father BUT losing a spouse is a whole bunch of hurt! People do not realize that, unless they go thru the same thing!

Why are we teased with having the greatest Best Friend and Husband and then just take him away? I don't understand, why he thought we should not have a long life?

Dawn

I

[ModKonnie]

I know it has not even been 2 weeks but i have been beside myself ever since. I want to blame myself, as maybe i should have noticed something! Was there something to notice? Three years ago I met My Prince! I was living in Pa and He was living in AZ. We met obviously over the internet. Everyday i looked forward to and being able to talk with my prince! He would just ask simple things like, how did you sleep and did you eat breakfast? I had been married and officially still was but seperated. These were questions i had never even been asked by my husband. I said, this guy is too good to be true. Well, within a few months, i decided to fly out and meet him. It was a wonderful weekend. It was not even a weekend of fancy lights or anything. It was just so nice to go for drives and see the scenery. To finally just talk to someone who cared and was not demeaning me in the process. Well, the weekend ended and i had to go back home. I did not want to go and he didn't want to see me leave either but i had a job i had to get back to. We had agreed that once i would get a job offer, i would return and move to AZ. Well, within a couple weeks, that is what happened!

I left PA and moved... Then about a year and half ago, we decided to move to WI. He was from here but was living out there cause of a disability and having someone that could assist him some. We moved back and soon after was surrounded with all of his family, as there are alot of kids and grandkids. I was accepted w/ open arms, as we do have an age difference between us. That was the only difference, as we were so alike in every other way. Loved to go for rides, watch the seasons change, enjoy watching sports, same music. He was my perfect soul mate! In my previous relationship, i had lost a lot of self confidence. My Prince changed that! He made me feel proud of who i am! Encouraged me in every aspect of life! He even had me going back to school to further my future! I never went to college, so this was a whole new adventure but he was right there supporting me. I used to hide under clothes that were about 4x too big for me... I stopped after I was w/ my prince!

Then this past May (2011) we got married! The best day of my life! We did not have a church marriage. We both had already done that in life and didn't need to again. So, we married by the local lighthouse! The weather was rainy, cloudy, windy, and cold BUT it was the perfect day to me! His one daughter stood up for me and his one son, stood up for him. We had another daughter come w/ her family and also my future in-laws. We even had a little celebration afterwards at our place. He had originally talked about saying Our I Do's and the go to rummage sales! We didn't care what we did as long as we had each other.

Then almost 2 weeks ago, my world got turned upside down! It was about 12:50am and he was in the bedroom and i was in the kitchen picking up as we were planning on getting our young grandson the next evening for the week. So, i was just trying to pick up here and there. I went into the bedroom at 12:50 and i said "Hon, are you ok? Can I get You anything"? He said, no i am good, i am just going to try to get some sleep. He slept all crazy hours - 1 hour sleep - 1 hour awake some nights. So, i said are you sure and he said yes, so i went back to picking up. About 1:00 i went by the bedroom and everything was ok.. he was sleeping. Then at 1:10 i went to the potty and i happened to look into the bedroom, and I knew something was wrong! I flipped on the bedroom light and noticed more wrong and my heart just started pounding in my chest and i started yelling at him to wake up. WAKE UP! He was not, so i grabbed the phone and dialed 911 and told them to get here cause i thought my Husband was dying! I was yelling to please hurry! They showed up, i guess within 5 mins. I just know it seemed an eternity to me! They got here and apparently tried to revive him for half an hour. No luck....

So now, I sit here and as i write this, think, did the first sign that i noticed second happen first? Should I have seen it? The lights were out in bedroom as it was about 1am and he was trying to sleep. Was there something i noticed that day but didn't pay attn to? Is it my fault cause I didn't go back in the bedroom in 5 mins instead of 10 mins? I just know, I am soo lost, and scared, and my heart hurts soo bad! We finally come to WI and he FINALLY gets to be around all his children. He has a woman who loves him w/ all my heart! I have that same love from him! He had a couple marriages before me but they weren't in love. We had that special love! That connection! Why, after we are so happy and can't get enough of each other, did God take him? He didn't even make 5 months since our marriage!

I have not been able to sleep in our bedroom yet. I sleep in his chair in the living room at night. I hold a bear that i had given him when we first got involved and a picture of us every night! Most nights, i can not fall asleep until about 2am and then i am crying myself to sleep. I am now in the process of looking for a job, so i dont get evicted. He was the one who supported us, as he had a disability and did not want me to work. That way i could be here to help him. I didn't mind helping him, cause i love him!

I don't know where to turn, and i am afraid if i vent to some too much, they will be like, enough already! I know losing a parent is hard, as i lost my father BUT losing a spouse is a whole bunch of hurt! People do not realize that, unless they go thru the same thing!

Why are we teased with having the greatest Best Friend and Husband and then just take him away? I don't understand, why he thought we should not have a long life?

Dawn

I

Dawn,

I am so sorry about the loss of your Prince. It sounds as though he died instantly of something, and even if you would have checked on him, you wouldn't have been able to help. I know it offers little comfort now, but he obviously died a blissfully happy man because you made his life complete.

I have no idea why God decides who leaves this earth and when. That's His plan and His timing. Maybe God wanted you and your Prince to understand and know true happiness before it was your Prince's time to go. Maybe you will be able to share that awesome experience with others who have never know what it feels like. Or maybe God has another reason entirely for doing what he does.

My heart breaks for you. Are you going to continue to share in the lives of your new family? What about his parents and children? Are they all helping you through this? What about your family and friends?

For now, just cry and grieve if you want to. This is all so new and hard. Please try to get out and about a bit each day or talk to someone about how you are feeling. You can come here and we will be here for you, too.

ModKonnie

[justkaren2]

Dawn,

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot explain why your husband was taken, but I do understand your pain. Just because a relationship was relatively short, that does not diminish the significance of the relationship. As you can probably guess, I have been through a similar circumstance. It has been 4.5 years since he died, just a tiny bit longer than I knew him, but his death impacted me in ways that are still affecting my life (some of the impacts have been good). I understand that you are stunned. I remember waking up every day hoping it was just a very bad dream, and then reliving the reality once again. I remember the very realistic dreams where he returned to me for just a while. I remember sleeping in his shirt and spraying his cologne just to be the slightest bit near him. He taught me to love. to love myself. That is what i read in your posting, and I recognize your loss.

Now, 4.5 years after the fact, the trauma of his death still affects me ... but not as often nor as profoundly.

You are in the very beginning stages of grief. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to eat. Sleep when you can. Take comfort where you can.

You have begun the journey you never wanted to start and now belong to a club you never wanted to join.

If you need to talk and don't have a listening ear, talk here.

We are listening.

Karen

[dmschnei]

Karen,

You are SO right... Today makes it 3 weeks since his passing.. I told someone today, (may have been one of his children) that i feel like i am in the movie ground hog day! Though, mine is a nightmare and i wake everyday and hope that is all it is.... or was... Dennis made my heart do flips and i always told him, he made my heart flutter!

I never thought I would meet such a wonderful man, as i had in him! We didn't even make our 5 month anniversary of our marriage... He had wanted me to go to school, as i was and at that time i was not working.. That was his decision as he did have a disability (had nothing to do w/ his death)... but i could be here in case he needed something!

School was online...

I was sleeping in his shirt for the first week or so... I have not within the last week as i have gotten a job.. (Thankfully) as i come home and basically fall asleep right away.... Though, I do have on one of his shirts tonight but that is one i "stole" from him, when we first got together... lol

I spoke w/ a friend the day after he passed and she told me to listen to the song, One more day by Diamond Rio... Well, let me tell you.. i just wish i had one more moment..

I mentioned to someone earlier, I hope he knew how much I Loved Him and I still do.... Everyone says to me, well, at least he didn't suffer and went quickly.. As I spoke w/ him at 12:50am - fine at 1:00am and the gone at 1:10am... But ya know, and this may be mean to say, but a part of me, does wish i knew, cause i would get all the goodbyes i could in.... No, the only goodbye i got in, was after he was gone and the emt, said for me to go in my bedroom and say goodbye.. I still can't sleep in my bedroom!

Part of me wishes he would appear to me and another part of me is scared... He made me feel special! Like i mattered! He was my Phinochi! That was our name for each other... I don't know what to do? I drive back and forth from and to work, and cry and cry... all i do is cry! His kids do call and check in... His one daughter lives about 10 mins from me and tries to keep me busy most days... I Love them as they were my own... Dennis and I never had children, but i sure wish we had! Esp. now...

I don't get... together for 3 years... married less then 5 months.. why couldn't god give us just a teeny weeny bit of time? He was my best friend and husband and i feel Lost! Sorry for rambling......

Take Care,

Dawn