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Anger and Depression


grammie25

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SWEDE1....

Gosh, there you go with that grit...(smiling). I know, I know. It was all terribly wrong. I'm so sorry you were treated the way you were as well. Firecracker? That goes along with grit, doesn't it? I really did think about going over there, but then my pride stopped me. Nothing she had was worth it on that day. I couldn't drive up in her driveway, I haven't been back since the day I found her will, two days after her burial. But today, I wish I had went and bought everything I could have loaded up. I believe what goes around, comes around. He's lived a very rough 62 years and isn't in the best of health himself. His kids won't care for him. He will be up his own creek. I'm not wishing that on him, but it's just the way things go. Swede1, I posted on "loss of siblings", thought you might want to read it. Didn't intend to do that when I went there, it just happened. Take Care..

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alwaysmyjennifer

Griffinsmom, when I first heard that Jenni was mine, and had been so horribly murdered, I couldn't even go to the pet food store for cat food (and I love my cat). I felt like I had some plague, or that I was losing my mind. I often hid from people so I didn't have to confront social exchanges, no matter how polite. In my work, I'm in spotlights a lot, and many people know me from my musical career. I couldn't work. On stage one night, I threw my bass, and walked off. It was a song Jenni loved (here sister told me). If you want, you may write about how much and in what ways you miss Griffin. He's an awesome boy. To miss him is natural and part of grieving. In any way we can help, even by letting you write this out, we're here for you. This is a part of our healing. If you would rather not write such publically, you've emailed me before, and you are welcome to send this in email. It will remain in confidence (my degree is in social work). Take care, and take each moment as it happens. Please try to do those little things to make yourself feel good about you. This will also help you heal. My thoughts and prayers will rest with you for the peace you need.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Clittlelady, do you mean that he wanted you to pack up her things which were in your possession, and give them to him?????? Please tell me, that if this is so, you aren't going to waste a calorie on such an act of treachery. Oy! Someone spare me! I like the type of counselor you are seeing. Sometimes, it may not show, but I'm devout in my faith. Then again, I am a little wild still. I'm not a firecracker. I've been called a runaway missile. I have such a temper. But, nontheless, it's sickening what you've been put through. Tell you what. The next time you get a message via messenger boy, tell him to return it and tell your brother to be man enough to talk to you face to face. Do you think he will, or hide from shame seeing all he did to you? Next tip, get a franencense candle and burn it. The aroma will soothe the savage beast in anyone. It's a reminder of God's presence. Trust me on that one. hehehe. My prayers are with you.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Swede1, way to go, girl! To push you aside like that is wrong. Yeesh! How can such a dear lady's brothers treat her like this? Grrrrrrr. Firecracker. I like that. Shall I bring the matches? I always got into trouble with hand grenades, but I guess a firecracker can be fun, if it's placed appropriately. hehehe. Told you I was a wild child. Being a grandpa has slowed me down soooooo much.

I have good news for you. My wife is now approved for home nursing, AND, the inpatient treatment for her disease. She'll be in hospital for two weeks, beg. 10/24. I have to make a tough choice, of being with her, which will cost me almost $200/day that I don't have, or coming home with my sons. The treatment has a high fatality risk, so it's important for me to be with her, but, my sons need me too. I'll make the choice in time, but it's sooooo hard to choose.

Have a good night, and God bless ya. You're one of a kind, and I think you're the greatest.

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Alwaysmyjennifer,

No,it was firstly, my dad, then my last brother who sold everything. And my dad had started with help from a family friend who didn't realize what was going on with him until it was too late. He ended up quitting selling at the estate sale, in disgust for the way my dad treated him. I didn't know he'd been involved until AFTER my brother had taken over ( w/o telling me about the sale, or anything else that had happened ), so found out everything initially from him. He's been a good friend to ME since then, and sent me 2 crystal pieces of my Mom's that HE'D bought for himself and his wife, before he'd known that I'd been denied everything. He was also the one who had the name and phone # of the woman who bought my Mom's china set ( for HER mother, as an anniversary gift ), and thank God, and my Mom! ( who I'm sure had a hand in pulling strings 'up there' for me ) she agreed that the sale of it was wrong ( and HER daughter agreed, too! ) and let me pay her what she paid for it, so I could get it back. I sent her flowers, a letter and a picture of me and my Mom as well, in gratitude, and so she'd know WHO the 2 women who were wronged looked like....although she'd probably seen my Mom's portrait photo sitting there in the piles of things for sale anyway. Thank goodness there are a few souls who DO know what the right things are in this world! Although I've always known what a B****** my dad is, it still hurts like hell to think a father would deliberately do such a thing to his only daughter, the only child in the family who EVER did anything for their anniversaries, birthdays, etc. THIS is how he repaid me. I hate his guts, and always will.

I don't envy you the choice you have to make, but I'm sure you'll do what you deem best overall. Can you split the difference and stay with her for PART of the trtmnt. instead of the entire thing, perhaps? Is this hospital far away from home so that this is accomodation you'd have to pay for? You're pretty special, too, Mark. Take care yourself and I wish you all the inner help you need to make your choice.

Clittlelady,

Oh, you DO know how to make me laugh! Yes, I suppose it IS grit again! LOL! It's funny, I used to always be somewhat ashamed of this characteristic in myself, but I've noticed through the years that whenever someone displays the same thing on T.V. shows, for instance, it's viewed as a positive thing when it's used for 'good', EVEN in women on TV nowadays.

I'm so sorry, too, that your story is as sad and despicable as mine. If your brother is that old already, it's not very likely he'll ever turn over a new leaf, either, eh? I suppose the most we can really do is pray for justice to be served w/o having to get involved ourselves whenever possible. For the Good of All, and all that jazz. I'm glad to see, though, that like me, you've managed to keep your sense of humour hanging in there through all of this heartache. I know it's served me well all my life and in fact, some of the best belly laughs I've ever had were at the expense of my family - couldn't have coped as well without that! Now I can't see your post, so, (stupid, affected memory )I can't remember what else I was going to reply to! Next time!

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I'm posting to a few sites trying to deal with this. Matthew passed away 10 weeks ago by taking a muscle relaxer for ease a stomach ache. He told me he had a stomach ache and was vomiting the day before I was going on vacation with my husband. I told him to keep an eye on it and if it didn't get better to contact the doctor. He told me this when I had just gotten home from work and had to run to pick up a rental car. He had gone to work by the time I got back. I tried to stop at his work (delivering pizza) on my way back but his car wasn't there. I figured he was either out delivering or at home. He wasn't at home so he had gone to work. I waited up for him to get home so I could make sure he was alright. He said he was fine when he got home. I left on my vacation early in the morning and had a wonderful day. That night my daughter called me and said the Matthew had hit the tree at the beginning of our driveway. He said he was ok but wanted me to call him. I called and tried to get him to go to the hospital. He said he left work early because his stomach still hurt and that he was having a panic attack. He just wanted to lay down. The next morning we got up early to continue on our vacation and we got a call from Kristin that Matthew had died during the night. We turned around right away and hurried the five hours it took to get home. The medical examiner told us that he had taken too many muscle relaxers. I am so angry with myself for not doing anything the night before I left. I should have taken him to the hospital. I feel so guilty for not doing anything to help him. He always told me that his medication made him vomit (he was bipolar). People tell me that I had no way of knowing. I'm his mother and I should have done something. I'm sorry bor burdening all of you but it's something I needed to talk about. So many people around me don't want to listen. It's like 2 months is long enough for me to deal with this and they don't want to hear anymore. They avoid any subject surrounding what I'm going through. Anyway, thanks.

BettyAnn

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alwaysmyjennifer

maskott, I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. My wife is ill and we're going to be out of state for treatment for her dystrophy, so we're planning all that. There are stages to grieving, and the last one is acceptance. In your journey, this is still a long, tiring way out. When you reach that place, you will find this question of why, and the guilty feelings bearing down on your soul disappearing. This is a process, and won't be sudden. You did everything right, and took all the precautions you could. Maybe you could have taken him to hospital, but most likely, they would have released him within hours. My friend, I understand our losses, as I've lost my daughter, my firstborn. I'm still new to my grieving, so I must face this too. My helps are the most amazing people who are here, and my training in psychology. In time, your feelings of guilt will subside. You will eventually reach a place of accepting the tragedy. These are a long way down the road. We'll be with you, to help you and to listen. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

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Alwaysmyjennifer...thank you for responding. Even with all you are going through, you still find time to help and encourage all of us. I applaud you for that. I've read what you are going through with your wife, at this time, and also your daughter. You are in my prayers too. My anger with myself is slowly diminishing. I still feel guilty, but most days I realize that Matthew did what he did. I can't change the circumstances now and it's hard enough to deal with all the aspects of grief. Thank you for your help and my prayers are with you and your wife.

BettyAnn

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Dear Maskott,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I wrote your daughter shortly afterward your loss and I hope it helped. This grieving is so very hard. I know the guilt that you speak of and it takes time to come to terms with all your deep feelings. It will work out but it takes alot of grief "work". And, I mean "work"....it just doesn't go away. There are so many feelings and stages that broadside us. And, there is no easy way to go thru them. Not over, around but through them. I also know what you mean that people aren't there for you to talk....even the ones I considered my best friends don't call????? Very puzzling to me but yet another life lesson. I am truely sorry to hear of the pain you and your family are going thru. I lost my husband, dad and mom all within 6 months of each other last year. It is rough sailing! I read alot of books on the afterlife which really helped me to get thru the first year and I found a wonderful Spiritualist Church that I attend when I can...it grounds me! Keep writing and we are all here to help you and lift you...god bless!

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Laura...thank you for your response. I am sooo sorry to hear about your losses. To go through one death is unbearable, I can't imagine more than one. Unfortunately, when one of my other children tell me they're going out my mind races to how I would feel getting a call that they were in a car accident and I will have to deal with another death. That, on top of dealing with Matthew's grief, really gets to me. I have an hour ride into work and I do a lot of talking to Matthew during this time. It helps me to understand my feelings and put things into a proper perspective. I also take "me" out of the picture and realize that Matthew had a lot to do with what happened. It doesn't help the grief at all but sometimes helps the guilt. Right now, I'm trying to use Matthew as my therapist and I talk to him about everything. I've come up with some real revelations-at least I think it's helping me for now. Coming here helps so much with the feed back that everyone gives. It helps talking with people that are grieving also, even if the circumstances are different.

I do want to thank you for responding to Kristin. It has helped her a lot. She doesn't have a lot of teens responding to her but I guess it's hard for people that age to give advice so it was nice that you answered her. Our minister says that she is strong and is handling everything that was thrown at here as well as can be expected. That, at least, is a blessing. I also have a 22 year old son, who like a typical male, doesn't seem to be able to express himself. He is holding everything in and bottled up. I talked to him on Saturday, he expressed a lot, cried a little and hopefully felt a little better. Time...but who knows how long? I've read people saying that the second year is harder than the first and some saying that they are still have really bad days in years three and four. This is unbelievable, yet we must deal with it on a daily basis. I seem to be rambling. Thanks for your responses. They do help.

BettyAnn

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Please advise.. I am also writing this more as a release so you do not have to read the whole thing. At the bottom I will ask what I can do to help my daughter. My daughter who is 21 lost her fiancé Mike (23yrs.) on Sept 1, 2005 suddenly in a car accident. They had been dating for 5 years. We also lost his sister Autumn (29)in the same accident. Felicia and Mike would live between my home and Naomi’s (Mike's mom) home over the 5 years. We only live about 4 miles away from each other so we always were able to see the kids daily. That was nice. It was like every 6 months they would go back and forth. Early August 2005 the kids were finally going to start their new life together outside of their parent’s homes. They got an apartment, bought new furniture, had the cable hooked up and I went shopping with my daughter for household necessities. Mike's mother also donated a lot of house supplies. They were so excited and proud to be independent. On September 1, 2005, Mike was really excited that the Internet got turned on. He waited impatiently all morning for the guy to come. It was turned on by 1:00pm. His sister, Autumn had just gotten into town and wanted to go out with Mike, a normal spend together time, to kick back and have some beers and talk about what was going on in their lives. They made the horrible decision to bar hop. Mike called up Felicia at work, asking if he could go or if it would be alright for him to go. She didn’t want to come in between Mike and his sister so she said, I suppose. Felicia did not care to drink and only liked to go out occasionally. She feared that Mike would get caught back up into the old partying atmosphere. It was barely a month that my daughter’s new independence with Mike ended.

I loved Mike like a son and had open communication with him so we could say things as they were. I was upset with him for quitting his job a week before the accident. I didn't cut him off but he knew I was disappointed in him; after all he just started a new life with my daughter. Felicia told him the night before that I was upset and he went to the store, bought a newspaper and started to look in the classifieds for another job. I found all this out later. The night that he was killed, I was also out celebrating my birthday (41). I seen him and Autumn and turned around to say Hello. Autumn sat next to me and we talked a bit. I turned around and said to Mike, Oh I see Felicia is still working huh? I smiled and wanted him to know that I might be upset but I still loved him. He instantly smiled with that cute dimple on his right cheek. I knew he was happy that I was talking to him. He looked nervous when he first came into the bar and when I spoke to him you could see his face light up. I am so very happy that I did speak to him. He looked pretty buzzed up but his sister looked in pretty good shape as I was talking with her. My mother gave Mike some money to play the gambling machines, something she did with Felicia and Mike. Shortly after, they left and a couple of hours later returned, about 1:00am. This time Mike did not come in with Autumn. She sat down next to me and jokingly said, "Gees that Mike, he passed out on me, he sleeping in the car". I talked to her for a bit and she went into the other side of the bar. She came back because some guys started yelling. She said she was getting out of here. She asked if I was going partying anywhere after bars and I told her no, that I was going home. I haven’t after bar partied for over 10 years. I always look at people to see if they look to drunk for driving and Autumn kept good eye contact and speech. I already had switched to pop a couple hours prior. A thing I do after my best friend's son (16) was killed by a drunk driver. I really felt she was o.k. I was probably the last person she talked to.

I and my mother were home for about 45 minutes when a phone call came in and my mother woke me up. I had just fallen to sleep. It was my daughter on the other line and she said that Naomi called her that something was wrong. I questioned Felicia what do you mean, she sounded out of breath and very shaken up and replied, "I don't know, Naomi was crying and said something like, we lost them, I think that’s what she said". She said she would be right over - Felicia and Mike's house was only a mile down the rode. I quickly got redressed and hopped in the car and went to Naomi's house. We learned that Mike and Autumn were killed in a horrible car accident at 1:29am just over the hill by Naomi's house. This means Autumn & Mike had just left the bar and was not even a 1/4 mile away when they were killed. When I turned right to go home, the ambulance and squads were at the scene towards my left, just down he road. I learned from my nephew who is a police officer that Mike died quickly, only taking two breaths. I know that he was passed out in the car so he more than likely did not know what happened. I am relieved that he did not suffer as Joel said he responded on the scene within 5 minutes of the call which a lady was outside and heard the accident. I am happy that when Mike's spirit was leaving his body, a familiar face was there. I miss him so much. I can't believe that this has happened? How could this happen? Why did GOD have to take him from us? Why didn't I go to the car and wake him up and ask him if he would want to catch a ride home with us, that we were leaving also? Why didn't I check to see if his seatbelt was on while he lay sleeping - of course I have learned now that it would not have saved him? The tree was smashed in on the passengers side, where he laid asleep. I went to see the car and it was the worst decision I ever made. It was horrific! He (they) never had a chance. The police say that they hit the tree at 65+ mph and it was the tree that prevented the vehicle from rolling as it skidded sideways off the road. Why couldn’t he have been hurt badly so we could have talked to him before he died? Why? Why? Why? They say everybody goes through the "What Ifs".

Now that you know the story if you read it, it leads me to the present. I have seen my daughter break down two times during this whole tragedy. It was when she first saw his lifeless body at the hospital emergency room and was crying and screaming NO! NO! NO! and three days later when she was writing him a letter. I knew that was accepting his death because she was crying uncontrollably and yelled, "How am I suppose to go on now, how could he leave me, I just want to die mom, etc!” That was the last time I seen the full acceptance of his death. After his funeral, she told me that this is so hard to believe, she said she was in a state that, Why are these people hugging me"? Felicia did not cry during the funeral or rarely thereafter. I know that she is blocking it out because dealing with it is to painful, she pushes the thought aside. They say people mourn in their own ways. Felicia made up a site for Mike at http://michael-miller-1982-2005.memory-of.com/About.aspx and her perhaps this is part of her healing process. She rarely cries now and has taken to going out. She quit her job, dropped out of College and I am so afraid I am losing my daughter. She acts normally but now she is finding reasons to be mad at Mike. She is turning this grief into anger saying things like he lied to me about stuff. I know that she loves him but she wants to be mad at him also? I don't understand this. There is a boy that she flirts with when she is drinking. I asked what she is doing, that Mike has only been dead for 2 months? I asked her do you even love Mike. How can you be thinking or flirting with another guy? She says YES I love Mike and I don’t know why, maybe because he lied to me about stuff? My question to anybody is, Is she lonely and wants to replace Mike in her heart so she doesn’t have to deal with his death? Why is she behaving this way? When I speak of "stuff", it’s not cheating. I know that one of the things was that he snuck out and drank while she was at work. It makes me angry that this idiot person would tell her that. To me its like spitting on his grave, he's not even here to defend himself. I’m not sure if I stated it but Felicia will get sad moments and tears fill her eyes when we speak and as I look at her the tears never fall on her sad face. She pushes her feelings out. I am so afraid I am losing my daughter down a road to self destruction. I have told her to seek counseling but she won’t go. She says she will deal with it in her own way. Is it normal for her to be so angry that she would allow herself to cheat on Mike’s memory by flirting with another guy? I am sorry, but I feel disgusted with her recent actions.

I asked GOD, why are we being punished? My daughter finally grew up, she had a good life, she had a good job, also attended college and her and Mike were happy in their new apartment, so why did he take Mike from her and cause her all this pain? Is it wrong for us to be so happy? As I sat praying I asked these same questions again and in my thoughts came, that it was his time. Would you have rather had Felicia and Mike killed together by accident or fire or something? Of course, I would not have. I tell this to my daughter. I also say things like, "he was meant to go this way Felicia, what if for instance, you and Mike got into a fight and broke up and he killed himself purposely or non, how would you be able to handle it than? I don't know what to say. I am rambling, I tell myself these things to accept his death also. Odd, after one month, I still expect him to walk through the door. It just doesn’t seem real at times. I will continue to help and be here for my daughter, I pray that I am not pushing her to open up. I pray to Mike also to help if he can. I also send a prayer to everyone and wish them well; my greatest prayers go out to Naomi & Jerry for the loss of not one child but two. I also thank the Lord that I can hold and enjoy my own kids.

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Dear Felicia's mom, You are in the throes of grief - EVERYTHING you have said we all can relate too. Your story sounded so similar to mine and now that it is almost a year, I can hear myself saying all those things again (especially the what ifs). I don't want to take up space right now telling my story because I want to give others the chance to confirm what I just said; but I'd be happy to share later. Just know that we are here to listen. I learned that grief is not linear (you don't go straight through it). It will turn you upside down and inside out and throw you back and forth between the stages. if someone asked me about my state of mind since 11/17/04 I'd have to say I was in this HUGE fog. The Lord never left my side, and no, I didn't feel HIM most of the time; but I know I would not still be here if it werent' for HIM. Take Care, Don't forget to call for a Compassionate Friends group in your area - it really helps! Renee

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Felicia's mom...I can tell you a little about my grief. I lost my son at the age of 24. People were suprised that I wasn't crying at the wake. The first month, I was trying to accept his death, the second month I was numb. I had sobbing fits every now and then but nothing extreme. Now, the third month, is horrendous. The numbness has worn off and I cry every day. He is in my thoughts more now than ever before. The stages of grief hit you at different times. One morning I will be yelling at my son for dying and in the afternoon, I will be sobbing because I miss him so and at night, I am feeling guilty for what I could have done. She might be flirting with other guys because she needs someone to be with. Right now, I want people around me who cared about Matthew and are sympathetic to what has happened. I know Felicia isn't looking for that exactly but maybe she just needs somebody. I wish I could be more of a help but I'm new at this also. I am truly sorry for your loss and Naomi's. It is truly tough losing a child no less two. My heart and prayers are with you.

BettyAnn

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alwaysmyjennifer

Feliciasmom, I am so deeply sorry you lost your daughter's love and his sister. When an older person dies, we expect it, as it's a natural part of the aging experience. When a 23 year old man dies, it's not a natural part of life. Your daughter is facing many emotional needs that she alone must sort out and prioritize. First, if you can see her flirting with another young man in terms of her needing emotional support, not that she's attempting to replace Mike, or that she's being unfaithful to his memory, you may see similarities between the two men. She may be trying to find a little of Mike in this other man. Her anger is a normal part of grief. The five steps of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These can happen one at a time, or in mulitples. She will express anger about his death, and even yell at him for dying. In reality, she isn't angry at him, but at death. This is normal. If she persists in being angry at Mike, seek help, as this can be a signal that she is in trouble emotionally. If this condition exists and goes untreated, she may develop long term depression or antisocial behaviors, which you would find heartbreaking. If she is depressed, talk to her doctor. Don't expect her to - you need to do this for her, so her doctor can watch her more closely. Her use of alcohol should concern you the most. If she has changed patterns, as in when she drinks and how much, you need to talk to her, or to her doctor. Be very cautious of this. A change in drinking patterns can signal to you that she is rapidly developing a habit or addiction. This would be my greatest concern.

I hope this helps you settle much of this in your heart, while you continue to care for Felicia. In time, in her own way, she'll settle her grief in her heart, and yes, she will eventually want to love again. Support her, love her, and try to never judge her. Let her come to terms with it all, and heal in her own way. If she would like to talk, we're always here. My hearfelt best thoughts and prayers are with you and her, and with Mike and Autumn's family.

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Feliciasmom,

Ditto to all that Alwaysjennifer said. I'd also like to add that quitting certain 'activities' is also a pretty normal response to grief....just as long as it doesn't go on so long as to severely impair someone's life, although that's known to happen, too. It's often too much to handle ordinary living as well as grief, so many people drop out of things for a time. However, if one needs to pay the bills, etc., it can become problematic in itself if it goes on too long. Often a GENTLE nudging in the right direction, with actively helping someone to retry those tasks after 2 or 3 months, can help someone 'adjust' to getting back to at least SOME productive activity.

Also, your daughter's anger might be tied up with guilt as well, if she's believing that, had she known about any poor choices Mike had been making beforehand, she might have been able to stop him, and thus keep him alive. This would be unhealthy thinking, but pretty normal for a lot of people in the throes of grief. I wouldn't debate Mike's past behaviour with her, nor would I discount, out of hand, what he may or may not have been doing 'on the sly'. She needs to decide for herself and for all you know, she might have other information about him that she never divulged to you, or took seriously, before hearing that remark from the other person. YOUR anger regarding this is YOURS, and hers is hers, for each of you to work out separately for yourselves.

You might find it helpful and useful to check out info. on grief on the 'net as there's so much out there detailing the various stages and components to grief, as well as individual responses to same. I can also refer you to a particularly good site. It's griefhealing.com, designed by the counselor Marty Tousley, and has many, many links to all sorts of resources and some exceptional articles about grieving. ( the ones by Marty herself are VERY good ) The discussion boards are down for a few days right now, but you can still access all the other parts. And yes, counseling would be good, for each of you, but that has to be an individual decision. What you COULD do is research finding a few counselors in your area who specialize in grief ( you could also ask what types of losses they've experienced themselves, to try to find a good match for each of your relationships ) and just offer their names and numbers to your daughter and go with her if she'd like, if she wants to seek some help in the future. In general, you can plan and set things up to be ready to act on, without pushing her into anything if she's not ready or interested. It makes for great support when someone offers concrete things and makes it clear they'll be there to help whenever the need is felt. It's also helpful to do mundane things like take someone out for lunch or clean, cook, run errands, etc. without being asked for these specifics....but then, you're suffering, too, so also need to look after yourself or have the same support FOR yourself, so this could be a hard situation to juggle. As for asking her about things, to help her talk about them, open-ended questions are always best, like, "Would you LIKE to talk about...?", or "What do you think about...?" but you have to be prepared to hear ANYTHING, and tolerate it as it comes out. If you appear upset, that sends a message that you really can't handle what your daughter needs to express, and defeats the whole good intention you might have had to help. And if you think she's getting self-destructive, getting some counselling for yourself would be a good idea, too, so a third party can help you handle whatever might need to be done. I hope this is a good start on info. for you....but best to prepare yourself for the long haul, as grief isn't a quick and easy process, no matter what the loss.

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Thank You all so much for the advise and support. I am going to speak to my daughter and have her read the forums on this site. Last month she was really into reading alot about afterdeath, finding anything books in stores, ebay, etc. I guess she wanted to confirm that Mike has moved on into another place. That he is happy and didnt just die. I can speak many beautiful things about GOD and Heaven but hearing it from others seems to make it more real for her. It's like, "My mom is just telling me this to make me feel better".

I am not sure if I mentioned it, but Felicia could not stay at the new apartment and me and Mikes parents, Naomi & Jerry moved her back to my house. Naomi keeps a very close contact with Felicia. It is like her lifeline to Mike. They say they will always love her and that she is welcomed in their home always. I know that she loves Felicia and I believe this completely. I worry about what Naomi would say and/or how she will react if she should hear about Felicia's behavior of late? I worry that it will result in a heated argument and end their friendship.

I will speak to Felicia and ask her to come to this site. You all have lifted my spirits and I know that this is a step into the right direction for her.

Again, thank you all and bless your hearts.

Aprilsmom - I am sending a prayer for you to help you through tomorrow's date. God be with you and comfort you througout this day. Perhaps it will help if you keep yourself busy, like shopping, dining, theatre. etc. Plan a full day. If you rather stay home, keep your closest friend with you.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Feliciasmom, I'm always one for honesty, but this isn't as much a matter of being honest with Naomi, but protecting her feelings by not saying anything. Tell her nothing of this behavior, and her heart won't suffer further pain. This is wise of you to be so caring for her. Having them stay close may also help Felicia "come around" and not be quite as wild. We can play mindgames on ourselves only for a short time, then we get miserable about it. She needs to see that Naomi loves her too. This will help her in many other decisions about his death, and get through the grieving more easily.

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I am so angry. Wont even bore you with the details- but Griffins year is coming up (Happy New Years)....But, Gianna must have Christmas first. WOW

Just a reminder= December 11 @ 6pm in your time zone is the worldwide candlelighting ceremony...Kirksdad lights his house lights up that night, too- which I thought was a good idea. You can get more info at the compassionate friends site- FYI.

So sorry for everyones loss and hey- "Happy Holidays".....geez

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Even though i feel numb that my mum has died, i feel angry at myself for not asking staff at the nursing home (where mum lived) to get a doctor out when she first fell ill, angry at not over reacting when i was told my mum had MRSA at the hospital, but most of all, angry for not spending those last precious 2 or 3 hours of visiting time in palliative care with mum because.....i was terrified she would die in front of me.

when i was there her breathing became more and more shallow after each chesty cough. i stood there trembling....wondering whether to dive out of the window on my right.

ive been meaning to get that off my chest, so.....don't know.

sue

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Suelowe

I'm sorry for the loss you've suffered and the heartache you are bearing right now.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We're all different people and have different breaking points. We handle things differently. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. I was with my Mother when she took her last breath, one of my brothers left the house completely, said his goodbyes and left. Said he couldn't watch her die and didn't want to watch her be removed from her home. One brother stayed, but stayed outside smoking the whole time. The sitter and I were with her. At one point, I started to be judgemental, but I caught myself and realized what I just told you, we're not the same. They did what they had to do. I did what I had to do and so did you. Doesn't make anyone right or wrong. I had had two really wonderful home health nurses that had tried to guide me to be prepared for what was possibly going to be a horrible thing to see as she died. But for my Mother, it wasn't that way. It was peaceful. I know others who it has not been peaceful for and I can't say that I would have been able to sit there, had it been that way.

I hope and pray for peace and healing for you and all others who are suffering this same grief. Mother has been gone three months. It's a very hard emotional roller coaster any way you look at it. Be strong as you can. God Bless.

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Clittlelady

yes it is hard going through this stage of grief, and i thank you so much for your prayers of peace and healing for me, and for others.

the reason i'm so hard on myself (a lot of people have advised me to be easy on myself, that's a nice thing) is because i spent most of my life with a step mother due to umpteen reasons, and the relationship between her and my real mum was, for a lot of reasons, indifferent (cold). Therefore my step mum kind of wanted me to 'toughen up and try and move on', and this sort of made me feel as though it was wrong to grieve, so half the time in front of her, i tend to bottle things up.

I'm beginning to get to know myself without this continous worry, and it's quite interesting i have to say.

but once again thank you for your kind words. i really appreciate this. i'm approaching my 27th birthday (second without mum), so i'm just taking each step at a time. God i don't half miss her.

thank you

sue

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Another birthday has past me by without the love and hugs from

my best friend in the entire world ,Tina Ayer, who thanks to Jack Russell and

Great White and their illegal pyro that killed her on 2-20-03. I am both

angry and depressed and I don\'t see a way out of my feelings of them. Christmas is coming and I wish that I could just sleep through it all till it is over. It no longer means anything to me, it\'s just another reminder of what I lost. Now on top of it all, I find out from a friend that Mr. Russell is about to become a father. Nice huh?

He will have his happy little brood while Tina\'s children go another Christmas with their Mom.

It just makes me want to vomit!

-Annie

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annietina220,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It took me a while to realize that the event you refer to was that horrible tragedy at the night club. What a nightmare it must have been and must still be.

Just seeing it on tv was horrific.

Please accept my thoughts and prayers for you to experience such a tragic event. I still am haunted by such a horrific event...The pictures still haunt me.

Jeff

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annietina220,

Thank you so much Jeff.

I know what you mean about the pictures that they show

on TV as being haunting.

Imagine this, actually seeing the last moments of your best friend's life

on national TV. I did.

They show a shot of a young woman with a black leather jacket talking

in a friend's ear and then looking up at the stage on fire and then seeing

the back of her head and then nothing and then to find out that when they tried to get out by the backstage door that the bouncer pushed her away swearing and telling her that this for the band only and to go out the front.

It's been almost 3 years but it is still too much for me to bear.

Thanks again for your prayers, they're much needed.

Love,

Annie

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It took me a while to realize that the event you refer to was that horrible tragedy at the night club. What a nightmare it must have been and must still be.

Just seeing it on tv was horrific.

Please accept my thoughts and prayers for you to experience such a tragic event. I still am haunted by such a horrific event...The pictures still haunt me.

Jeff

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Hi,

Here I am and here comes another Christmas without my best friend in the entire

world. I am finding harder to cope this year being that I will be moving out

of this area right after Christmas. I guess I feel guilty about leaving her beind on top of the guilt of not being there for Tina when she needed me the most that night. Plus, hearing that the lead singer of the band (Great White) who helped kill my best friend and 99 others (Station Nightclub Fire 2-20-03) is going to be a father soon and will enjoy his little family while I and the others feel nothing but loss and pain and anger knowing

he and Mark Kendall will not see one day in jail but they will let their tour manager take the fall for following orders made by them. This man will spend the rest of his life in prison while they live it up....Real fair huh?

How can I not feel angry and depressed over this?

I MISS MY BEST FRIEND TINA AYER!

-Annie

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HI annie...

I realized right away that you were talking about someone lost in the fire at the night club. I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope that you can find some peace in knowing that she's still close by.. and still very much your friend. TALK to her... let her know that you still care. Pray for her... and her well being.

I recently lost my dad to suicide... and then pretty much my mother and brother to anger and hostility ... they don't know who to blame.

Too often i think we look for blame...

accidents happen.. they are a part of life. Buildings burn up when idiots to shows that catch them on fire...

There is no promise that any of us has tomorrow.. Please be as happy as you can.

Even when our lives are long.. they are still very short lived. Find peace in remembering the wonderful things about your friend that made you love her so much. She will be so happy... and you'll feel better too.

Sending you much love and prayers

Connie.. a nurse in virginia

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Thank you so much NurseConnie for all of your kind words.

I appreciate that you took the time to reach out to me while you have

you own pain.

I do talk to Tina all of the time and tell her how much I love her.

You're right, I need to find some peace, if not for me then for her

because she needs to rest in peace.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

I can't begin or pretend to know what you are going through hon.

I will pray for peace so you and your family can get together and

remember the good times and the love that you all shared together.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{NurseConnie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

We are all here for you!

Love,

Annie

HI annie...

I realized right away that you were talking about someone lost in the fire at the night club. I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope that you can find some peace in knowing that she's still close by.. and still very much your friend. TALK to her... let her know that you still care. Pray for her... and her well being.

I recently lost my dad to suicide... and then pretty much my mother and brother to anger and hostility ... they don't know who to blame.

Too often i think we look for blame...

accidents happen.. they are a part of life. Buildings burn up when idiots to shows that catch them on fire...

There is no promise that any of us has tomorrow.. Please be as happy as you can.

Even when our lives are long.. they are still very short lived. Find peace in remembering the wonderful things about your friend that made you love her so much. She will be so happy... and you'll feel better too.

Sending you much love and prayers

Connie.. a nurse in virginia

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I have a question for you all.

Is it ok for me to seek justice for mt best friend\'s death where RI dropped the ball?

I\'ve been told by many that I am being hateful and putting my soul at risk for wanting to do this. I can't see the band Great White getting away with when they clearly ordered the pyro that night. Also for all of the fraud they did after the fact in the name of the charity.... What do you all think? I welcome all opinions. I know we all are supposed to forgive others, but how can I when I and others haven\'t heard one I'm sorry from Jack Russell and the band for what happend on 2-20-03?

Love,

Annie

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motherlesschild

this is my first day on indigo so i don't really know how this works, but what i do know is anger and depression. Anger and depression has been my only friends for the past 16 months. Sept2 I lost the most important person to me and i feel I died with her MY MOTHER. My question how do I stop hating everyone because Im jealous when do i stop wanting to die, when does the pain stop or just ease up because 16 months is a long time to wish you were dead!

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annietina220

The anger that you feel is normal.

Do you have any friends or family that can help see you through this?

Have you thought about seeking help.

Honey, your mother doesn't want you to live your life wanting to die.

Please, for her sake reach to someone who can help you.

Love,

Annie

this is my first day on indigo so i don't really know how this works, but what i do know is anger and depression. Anger and depression has been my only friends for the past 16 months. Sept2 I lost the most important person to me and i feel I died with her MY MOTHER. My question how do I stop hating everyone because Im jealous when do i stop wanting to die, when does the pain stop or just ease up because 16 months is a long time to wish you were dead!
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Motherless child,

I know how hard it is to loose someone you love. I lost my fiancee' on 11/12/2005. I have been going through so many emotions and feel this emptiness that I have never felt before. I understand your depressions and pain and wish that I could tell you what to do to help you eliminate some of it. Have you tried grief counseling? I go for counseling, as I could not handle going it myself. I started in a group and now am continuing on my own... No one can tell you how long you will grieve, for each one of us it will take different times. I do know that when I try to think about the future, I get so overwhelmed and I have these horrible panic attacks and feel like life just isn't worth living. When I try to NOT think about the future and only consentrate on the here and now (today) I don't feel as overwhelmed and the panic isn't so much that I can get through today.

I use this site A LOT to vent and talk to people. It is very helpful and a wonderful group for support. The people that I have met here are very caring and have been going through this pain the same as me...

My prayers are with you.

Trish

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Annie,

I understand your pain and anger. But how would you get revenge??? Is it really an apology that you want from the band??? I feel for you, I really do. I want the doctor that prescribed the meds to James to pay too. But what can I do??? I know that I can take him to court and try to attack him this way, but other than that, violence is not an answer, although at first this is EXACTLY what I wanted... I wanted him to die, just like James. Then someone said to me:"will this bring James back?" No, and then I would have to live with the guilt that I know I would eventually feel for anything I would do... If you think that you can get money out of the band for your BF's death, then YES go for it. That is not revenge it is justice. If the state dropped the ball, I would also check into this and why they did??? You need to be able to state your case and if you have a good one, I am sure you do, then go for it... If you want an apology, you may never get one. What is it that would make you feel better about this whole situation? This is something that you alone can answer. I may not be saying the right things, I just know that I felt like I wanted big revenge on the MD that killed James. I just had to face reality and that I would not get James back if I did something that I would feel regretful later on.

I hope this makes sense, if not I apologize. I am kind of out of it today.

Trish

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im a teen and i just cant deal with school. Thepeople make me want to jump off a cliff and all most all my younger friends are saying that im so annoying like my user says i need help

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needinghelp...

What is it that makes you unable to cope with school?

And what help do you think you need?

You have come to the right place if you need guidance and help, but what is it that you need?

Jeff

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Needing help- you have to return to the board for help!

As for me, it has been one year and some days now since my son was killed in a car accident- he left and said see ya later Mom, and I never saw him alive again. I raised Griffin for 17.5 years by myself- needless to say how close we were/are. I miss him so much- my will to live is waning. I have a one year old daughter who has a father who loves her, if I wasnt here, she would survive- where Griffin just had me, and I , him. My husband has chosen to work hurricane restoration in Louisiana which has kept him gone for months now- and I am here raising Gianna alone....de ja vu....only this time I am 45, as opposed to 27, and my Griffin is not here, my mother committed suicide in 03, my dad died from cancer Im not sure what year, I resigned from my job due to complications of Bipolar disorder- I was a high school science teacher, very good at it...loved my job....it seems that everything is gone from me but Gianna and her dad- but I am not able to fully appreciate this for all the other loss and problems along the way. If he would just call me every night and send (or have in his account) 250 per week (his half of the living expenses prior to leaving), maybe I would feel more confident and that I can depend on him- I am on disability right now...I should be so thankful, but I am just losing my will, all this is just too hard to bear. every day I subconsciously expect Griffin to call, email, send a letter, come home...and every day he does not. The finality of this all is really hitting home- I did my best raising him, I gave him all I had, I just want to talk to him in person, see him, make sure he is ok....I dont know why I am sinking so suddenly, I was doing ok for a while. Any suggestions?

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For Griffinsmom- It is me, Betsy, mamabets- I can say this- I hope it helps- Right after the one year, 14 -15 month mark?? BRUTAL- I think what is happening to you, they say it does, and it did with me, the "shock" starts to wear off, and the pain is almost worse than ever.... Hang in there, as this is the turning point and it starts to subside to a point where it is there, always, but you start to feel that you want the happy Griffin memories and the good to always be the focus in your life and the torture can just go away- I promise you- It sounds like this is exactly what is happening and while the uphill climb continues, the BATTLE part is over, I think... E-mail me at huntross4@aol.com anytime!!!! I too am bipolar- Are your meds the same??? xoxomamabets

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Griffinsmom...I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I was on Griffins memorial site the other day and he was adorable. Such a cutie...I know what you are feeling though (I guess we all do). I was just thinking about my son Matthew a few minutes ago and burst into tears. I got a knot in my stomach. All I could think about was that I'll never get to hug him again. He'll never take another breath. He is on my mind constantly (it's been 5 months) Sometimes, however, I don't really think of him gone. I still expect that one day he will walk through the door and say "hey, what's up". Then I come back to reality and realize that he is gone forever...and I sob. The stress of missing Griffin is hard enough but to add the other pressures of being alone raising your daughter is too much. I wish I had comforting words but all I can do is give you a big hug (HUG)...Sometimes I get tired of being a parent. I still have two other children that need me. Although they are 19 & 22, as their mother I have to make sure they get through this ordeal also. They are having a hard time dealing with Matthew's death. I'm tired of the daily problems... work...bills...worrying about kids....the house. My husband is great through this but he is grieving also. Unfortunately, we have to do what we have to do...your daughter needs. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I light a candle for Matthew every night...I will light one for Griffin too. He was a cutie pie.

Take care and always feel free to reach out.

BettyAnn

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For Maskott- I am so proud of all of you- Today, I hurt for all who are riddled with this pain... Keep coming here, keep reaching out and throw some of your pain my way- I am here for you always!! I love you- xoxomamabets

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Dear Griffinsmom,i know exacatly where you are at ,it will be Nathan's 1 year anniversary,and his birthday on Jan 31st.I feel like i am on an emotional rollarcoster,i miss him so much,i miss his voice,even though he was 20 years old he still would go everywhere with me,food shopping,the mall , the beach or even just sit and watch movies.I also have lost many family members,my mom and my sister in law, who was my best friend,i thought lossing both of them was bad,and then when i lost Nathan,that was a whole different ballgame.Ialso worry about my husband ,he has cancer,and i keep telling myself,god would not take him from me too.Like you i also tell myself i should be grateful for the people i do have in my life,but lately i am finding it hard to be grateful about anything.Please try to hang in there,and hopefully things will start to get better,i tell myself they can't get much worst....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom,feel free to Email me it's in my profile,you will be in my prayers....

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alwaysmyjennifer

griffinsmom, sometimes we reach a low point in grieving that seems like nothing here matters. I know little children are a huge responsibility, and when you're raising her alone, it's even more. Try to see her for the love she gives you, not the responsibility. It sounds like you don't get a great return on what you invest from your heart. Receive her little heart's love, even if there are the childhood yuckies that go along with it (sticky fingers, spilled milk, or even a diaper if she's that little). I'm deeply sorry for the loss you have endured. Would it help you any to visit family or a friend, somewhere out of town? You need to feel (truly feel) that you are cared for. If there's someone you can talk to, so you can open up and feel love, this will help a lot. All of us here care; we're here to listen and help you. Please feel free to write, here or by email. My prayers are with you tonight.

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Thank you all for your support....I am doing almost my best. We are all really in the same boat with this, it is relentless- and no matter what anyone says or does- you (I) still return to the same bleak reality that Griffin will be 19 soon (May)....and I dont have him here- this is what we all work so hard for during their lives- for them to grow up and be independant, and for us to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labors. Its just hard...for all of us. I just can't believe this will go on for the rest of my (our) lives, every year, every holiday, graduations of friends, friends having kids....In one sense I cant wait for my time on earth to be over- it has been just too hard for soooo long-and now it's ridiculously difficult....but at the same time, theres Gianna- who is really a special little girl and deserves the best I can give her for the longest I can give her...WOW...go figure

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cantbelieveit

Kathy 714,

What you said hit me as a daughter, all of the things you said your son Nathan did with you are the things I did with mom and miss it all so much and I am much older than 20.

We had so much fun together and I think no one really knows how much I miss her and how much pain I feel. I do wish you peace. Please keep writing your thoughts and feelings are helpful to us. We all need eachother's support even though are losses are not the same. Be well

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Dear Cantbelieveit,i can understand also what you are feeling as a daughter who has loss their mom ,because i also loss my mom 5 years ago,and we were so much alike,my kids always said,i was getting more and more like my mom everyday. My mom's birthday was the day after mine,so she always said i was her birthday present,and we always celebrated our b'day's together.Also i loss my sister in law,2weeks before my mom,and i see what her daughters go through,not having her there,so i try to be there for them,i love them like they are my own,they are 30,20,and 16.But the worst loss of all is when i loss my Nathan,we had gone on a trip to Fla,the April before,just him and i,and we had so much fun,it went perfect,we did everything we had planned,we rented a car and drove down the west coast,it was perfect,i really feel like God gave us that special time together,because he knew Nate's life was going to be short,Nate was able to see and meet people and family that he hadn't met or seen in a long time,it just is really strange how everything in our life plays out,,,Thank you for replying and i am so sorry for the loss of your mom,i will keep you in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

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cantbelieveit

Kathy714.....Thank you, for replying for sharing for thinking of me. I am sorry for your losses. I am happy that you had such a wonderful trip with your family and got to spend that time with Nathan.

I did so much with my mom as mentioned before so I totally get that part. You sound like you and your mom had a great realtionship and it passed down to the fun that you and Nathan enjoyed together. Not being a mom I know I can not fully understand but that does not mean I don't feel for you I really, really, do. I lost a cousin when he was in his 20's and many friends as well. I just can't ever know how their moms felt but it is heartbreaking to see. I just never felt the pain like I did with mom. I thank God for this board and for people like you for sharing and for being so thoughtful to others. I do feel blessed to have all the years that I did with such a wonderful mom.

Be well I will be thinking of you.

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i've just changed mobile networks and only just realised that i can't phone my mum to tell her my new number. it's so damn painful. i've got a deep ache in my stomach that won't go away. i'm going to be quiet for a bit.

sue

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alwaysmyjennifer

SueLowe, if you go to an store for your old mobile network, they may let you make one call if you slip the sales clerk a little money. Take care of yourself, and please try to get some rest.

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I am writing in hopes to find help and also bring closure to my grief over the mis-treatment of my mother body by a funeral home. You see my Mother was my best friend; she passed away in May of 2004.

The funeral director picked up my mother?s body from the hospital and tried to contact me but could not reach me by phone so he called my Sister at 3:00am wanting permission to embalm my mother she told him no and would have to speak to me because she though my mother did not want to be embalmed.

As a religious belief I told the director she was not to be embalmed the next day at our meeting when we were making her arrangements. After our meeting I asked if I could see my mother and so the director took my sister and me to the back where she was and much to our surprise my mother had already been embalmed. I can not full-fill her wishes now to be buried or scattered.

But this horror story goes on to her ashes being held hostage until the bill was paid. Someone else resting in her spot in the cemetery and so on. I need help, I can not find an attorney who can represent this case or who would want to I have called both the Will county Bar as well as the Cook county Bar for attorneys.

This funeral director has to answer to someone he just can do this to a family. He has to be reported so he can't do this to another family. This man lied and misrepresented the Law. He put together a shoddy service in three days when we could have taken some time she was being cremated and he made us aware that since she died close to Mothers Day it was inconvenient for everyone involved, the hair dresser, Priest and woman?s auxiliary

I'm sorry my Mother died when she did we certainly didn't mean to put anyone out on Mothers Day she died on a Wednesday and we cremated her on Saturday and our nightmare began. My mother believed in the Law, can you help? The name of the funeral home is U.C. Davis & Sons, Ltd on Liberty St. Morris, IL the directors name is Thomas E. DZURYAK Funeral Director [License Number10530

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ktaylor:

First, I am so very sorry you're Mother died. My Mother has been gone five months. Having to deal with your grief over her passing is hard enough, without what you've further experienced. Everybody is out for a buck. Not many caring people really left. My situation didn't go quite as far as yours, but my Mother's Body was held "hostage" until My husband paid not only my share of her funeral expenses, but two of my older, dead beat brothers parts as well. It was a nightmare, to say the least. I felt like I was in a Twighlight Zone movie. I don't really know what to tell you as far as attorneys go, but I do have one suggestion..... The Press. The public eye. Contact a newspaper reporter and see if they will help you get started in the right direction. It's more than likely others have received the same poor, noncaring service from this same business. Numbers always gets more attention.

Sorry again for your pain and heartache these cruel people have put on you.

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Dear ktaylor,

What a horrific experience! I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through all of that. While I can't give legal advice, I wonder if you've contacted the Illinois funeral director's association (their website is www.ifda.org) and the national funeral directors association (http://www.nfda.org). Surely, someone can help you get some help with this so it never happens to anyone else. I also like clittlelady's suggestion about contacting the media. Sometimes, that's more effective than anything.

Let us know how things proceed, and I wish you success in finding answers and more importantly, I hope you find peace and closure about everything. Take care...

DeeAnn

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Thank you Trish, not too many do!

How do I get revenge?

By letting all of the fans of rock music know about all of THE GREAT WHITE LIES

and keep at it till they are in jail, not only for the fire, but for the fraud

they comitted on their 2003-2004 tour on a non profit set up for the victims

that Great White helped create on 2-20-03.

Jack Russell claimed throughout this whole tour that 100 percent of the proceds went to the victims, when in fact only less than 30 perecent went

there!!!! This was brought to light by GW\\\'s Former PR person Charrie Foglio

who Mr. Russell tried to sue in order to shut up. He didn\\\'t win!

I can\\\'t sue the band for Tina\\\'s death, only her family can. My loss

and pain means nothing. I don\\\'t think an \\\"I\\\'m sorry\\\" would mean a lot

to me and I know nothing is gonna bring Tina back but I will fight for

Justice for her. The case is being blown in RI by AG Patrick Lynch,

they might not care but I DO!!!!

Love,

Annie

Tina Marie Ayer\\\'s Best Friend

Tina Marie Ayer-6-15-69-2-20-03

http://tinablackieayer.atspace.com

PS:

If you want to know more about my fight against Great White,

write to me at TinasBestFriend@yahoo.com and I will give you

the info.

Annie,

I understand your pain and anger. But how would you get revenge??? Is it really an apology that you want from the band??? I feel for you, I really do. I want the doctor that prescribed the meds to James to pay too. But what can I do??? I know that I can take him to court and try to attack him this way, but other than that, violence is not an answer, although at first this is EXACTLY what I wanted... I wanted him to die, just like James. Then someone said to me:\\\"will this bring James back?\\\" No, and then I would have to live with the guilt that I know I would eventually feel for anything I would do... If you think that you can get money out of the band for your BF\\\'s death, then YES go for it. That is not revenge it is justice. If the state dropped the ball, I would also check into this and why they did??? You need to be able to state your case and if you have a good one, I am sure you do, then go for it... If you want an apology, you may never get one. What is it that would make you feel better about this whole situation? This is something that you alone can answer. I may not be saying the right things, I just know that I felt like I wanted big revenge on the MD that killed James. I just had to face reality and that I would not get James back if I did something that I would feel regretful later on.

I hope this makes sense, if not I apologize. I am kind of out of it today.

Trish

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