Anger and Depression

[stephysteph13]

Why is it so hard Claudia? My high school threw their production tonight which I am manager for and I was in a really good mood until the end. All of the cast and crew came running out to hug their moms and their moms were telling them how proud of them they were. I wish i could give my mom a hug and have her tell me that again. it sucks so bad. Its not right that i cannot see my mom, i need her and it scares me that i dont know if ill ever be fully okay. im tearyeyed writing this, and i dont cry alot but right now im feeling kinda upset so i think im going to go to sleep tomorrow will be a long day school... and another production at night.

good news i got a job at a daycare which i love kids so much, just wish i could share the news with mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Steph, Congratulations on your new job!!  Maybe this will be therapeutic for you--giving something nurturing and special to little children, your self.

Dear one, your struggling so much, and it's so hard for the very obvious reasons you stated yourself.  There are constant reminders around you that scream loudly the silence where your mother once stood.  You are surrounded by friends celebrating with their moms, and it makes the longing and need so much more "in your face".  Most or all of your friends are still living at home with their parents.  It's inescapable.  When you are on your own and your friends are too, and there is more "independence" from the family, it won't be as blatant, but you will always miss your mom--especially at special times and events in your life.  You know this.

I believe in light of the play and the things you've shared, your mom would not hesitate to say how very proud she is of you.  I know you need to feel her and see her and hear her, and it's so hard that you can't.

This may sound wierd to you, but it is my faith that gets me through the hardest parts of my loss and pain.  I am a Christian.  I believe in God and Heaven, and His great plan of redemption and everlasting life.  Joey believed that too, and I just know he is with God, in Heaven, forever.  I know I will see him again.  I know without a shred of doubt.  I miss him here in this life, and I cry and have my moments of deep pain and anguish over missing him so.  But I feel blessed to be able to look forward to what I know is my certain future--to meet up with him again one day.  It comforts me.  It may not give me what I want and need in the moment.  But it gives me great hope and certainty in a future I can count on.  That helps me more than anything I can possibly share.  I know many people reject religion and the idea of Christianity, of Jesus Christ and what He stands for.  But it is only right that I share how and why I can survive this kind of grief, and not hesitate to know my Hope and Comfort is without doubt real and true.

I truly wish i could jump through the computer and give you a big hug.  I wish I could take you to lunch or dinner, listen to you as you talk about all of the stuff going on in school and in life.  I wish I could have been there to celebrate your play.  I wish more that your mom could have been there and that she could do these things for you.  Sometimes I pray for God to give a message to Joey, and it comforts me.  Maybe you could ask Him to do that for you.....  ??  I wish I had a miracle solution to share, but this is close as I can get to having that.

BIG HUGS, Steph.  I am praying for you.  Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Michelle,  I am thinking maybe my last post to you wasn't exactly what you wanted or needed to hear.  If so, please forgive me.  It's so hard not to think and share on a mom's perspective, because I am a mom--a mom who has also lost a son.

I think of you so often, and each time I do I say a prayer for you.  Hugs, Claudia

[alwaysconfused]

Hi Claudia, 

I wasn't upset with you or anything, I just read your opinion on things and didn't know what else to say to that.  I do understand that a mother's grieving is different, but that doesn't really fix the situation, because crying and living in a constant state of being withdrawn from family events isn't going to bring my brother back, and her absence or uncontrolable behavior only brings back memories of the past which continue to dig at my skin like sharp daggers.  I'm just going to have to live with the way things are and try not to think about it like I have been trying to do with every negative thing that's been occurring since I was three.  Sometimes life gets hard and since I have no control over anything that goes on, I'll just deal with it as best I can.  I'm glad that my mother at least showed up to my sister's baby shower on Sunday even though it was against her will and only for 5 minutes, because it made my sister feel better to know that she has some pictures with my mother to preserve the memory.  Hope all is well where you are.

[stephysteph13]

Claudia,

I dont know what to do anymore. everything is falling apart. things just arent going right at all right now. i wish i had my mom to talk to, push me through these hard times.no one understands the pain is so intense. i dont know how much longer i can feel like this. i just cant. With everything going on, Easter on Sunday, friendship issues, school in general, i just seem like im slipping into a breakdown mode. I miss her so much cant anyone just understand right now it seems only  u do.

Steph

[4everjoeysmom]

Steph, I'm so sorry that everything is overwhelming you so much right now.  My husband's 16-yr old daughter went through a lot of issues and had a hard time handling things.  I can understand how overwhelmed you feel.  You mentioned Easter on Sunday.  Friends and I on another board have been discussing Easter and its significance, the bodily resurrection of Christ, and what that means to us--which is something very exciting in our Chrostian faith.  I'm not certain if its the traditions of memories past that bothers you about Easter, or if you have a heavy schedule of to-do's on that day, but just try to take deep breaths in the overwhelming moments.  Growing up is so hard in and of itself, and it's all the harder with all of the stumbling blocks of having lost your mom.  I'm so sorry you feel so alone.  Are you able to increase the counseling visits for a time?  Are there any women in your church (young women's ministries) that you can talk to?  It ususlaly helps to have someone to talk things out with in person regularly and with more unlimited access.  If you want to PM me or e-mail me, you can do that as well.  Sending HUGS, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Michelle, HUGS to you.  I'm glad your mom made an effort to be at the shower for your sister's sake.

Life is hard, espaecially growing up in a home where you have so much to deal with constantly.  I know what you are going through, truly, because my home life growing up with an alcoholic dad was very hard.  My mom was always a victim, I felt like a marriage counselor sometimes instead of the kid, and I just prayed and prayed for it all to go quickly so I could be on my own.  I learned a lot through those years of adveristy, mostly about who I did not want to be.  I wouldn't be who or where I am today if i hadn't had all of those tough lessons.  I didn't appreciate them at the time and would never want a do-over, but I made it through.  I pray that you can hang onto HOPE that you too will make it through.  I'm so sorry it's so hard....   

[stephysteph13]

Thanks for the reply Claudia,

Its so tough I feel like curling up in a ball. I want my mom back is that so much to ask? i dont understand why my life was turned into this. im not saying i have is horrible but this one person is now missing is changing my whole life. we need our moms and for me not to have mine its like an empty hole in my heart. i would kill for one more hug one more time with her anything. even just a hello would be fulfilling. i felt strong for the whole first year no one would no it evenbothered me and i thought it was hard then now its like the whole world can see im struggling i try and hide it but it gets me no where. i miss her and need her and needing her scares me bc if im this bad now how am i ever going to get any better? i see my counseler once a wek i think thats enough, i dont want to become dependant on it, but she isonly a phone call away. we talk all the time. she is a sweetie like that. i dont have anyone in church bc honestly i never really attnedted. i kinda wishi was into it maybee it would help. im lost in finding hope that one day i will feel okay. for me to have to back for even just a second would mean eternity! i wish someone would just let me be with her.

Stephanie

[stephysteph13]

ughhh I want to sleep through Easter tomorrow. i dont even care about it. sad right? how a 17 year old girl cant enjoy anything anymore. if my mom could just be here life would feel like life again. i dont know what to do Claudia, why is this soo hard.

how r u doing w everything? howdo u cope with this neverending pain

[sheela]

how do you all deal with upcoming death and birthday anniversaries ?

my mom died june 6th and her b day is august 3rd i know that is ways off but i feel like being prepared as much as possible now (PAMAP) for short. LOL

i say LOL now but when it gets closer i will be all tears....  thanks all for any help with this.. ps i am very low income so what ever ideas you have plz keep that in mind.. thanks ..

 

[aurora]

Sheela, I just got through my husband's death date anniversary and two days later it was his birthday. The first year I was in a fog and I don't remember what I did. I think my sister was here with me. This was the second year and I was all alone. A friend and I had planned to go out for lunch and then walk through the beautiful gardens at the Huntington Library but she was sick so we didn't go. I went to an ashrama on his death date. It is on 125 acres against the mountains. It was very peaceful and quiet there. I was very peaceful and calm on those two dates. The anticipation of them was much worse. I tried to think of meaningful things to do to honor his memory. I visited the spot where he killed himself and left a message. Other times I have left a flower or sent a prayer off to the sky. A grief group that I gave a concert for wrote messages on balloons and released them into the night sky. I have lit candles, played music and written poems to him. I have gathered a few meaningful things of his and put them out with his picture on occasion.

[sheela]

thats so beautiful aurora thank you i will keep these things in mind ..

[4everjoeysmom]

Sheela, I am tight budgeted as well, and so I had a bottle of soap bubbles ($1 at the Dollar Store), and I sat and blew bubbles for a long while.  Carry a bottle of bubbles with you wherever you go on those special days, and blow wonderful rainbow soap bubbles up to the heavens in rememberance of your mom.  They are beautiful as they glisten and float upwards toward the heavens.  Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Stephy, Honestly, I wouldn't be able to cope at all with the horrible pain of loss and grief if it were not for my faith.   Easter, for me, is a celebration of the Resurrection of Christ.  It's significant, because He promised that with His own resurrection, those who believe in Him as Lord and Savior will be bodily resurrected also to eternal life in His presence, in the Kingdom of God.  I believe it with my whole heart.  joey believed it.  And so I know I will see him again when this life is through.  The hard part is going on here and looking forward to one day being there.  But each day is a chance to honor God, and Joey's life here.  I am a full-time missionary in another country, and I live my life, in thanks to God for what He has done for Joey and for me, by serving others in ministry and love.  I will continue to pray for you that you will find your path to peace and a way to honor your mom through your contuing life here.  Blessings and BIG HUGS, Claudia

[stephysteph13]

Claudia!

Sorry i havent really talked much, havent really been up to it i guess. feeling shitty. but thats really nothing new   How have you been doing?

i just dont understand! its not fair. and i keep telling myself i will be ok,and im not like falling apart but the pain is so intense i feel like crap. i miss her so much claudia. how do i go on the rest of my life w/o her..

Steph

[sheela]

thank you Claudia   hugs

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Stephy, I'm sorry.  Somehow I missed your post...  I'm glad you stopped by and posted a note on the other thread I hang out on so that I knew you needed to hear from me.

Honey, I wish so much that I had an easy answer for you in how to go on through your life without your mom here.  It's so inbcredibly hard, and there are no quick answers to make it better or right.  My faith is what gets me through, and I think I have briefly shared that with you on another post.  Because I believe Joey is alive with Jesus, and that I will see him again, I don;t feel hopeless in that his dying from this life was the end of our relationship.  I can;t talk to him right now, but I do talk a lot to Jesus, who in turn can talk to Joey because he is with Him.  I sometimes will ask God to give Joey a special message, or just let him know I love him and I miss him.  Whether it happens or not, I don;t know, but it makes me feel better.  I also have studied a lot about what Joey's life in Heaven might be like.  That brings me a lot fo comfort.  Life here for me is hard a lot of times.  And I know my life here may never be easy and that i will always miss Joey.  But I do know that eternity is a very long time--endless.  And I know that I will have that some day and I will be reunited with Joey.  I don't want to rush that though.  I have work to do here.  I have lots to learn, and I want God to teach me about love and how to be good for other people who are hurting.  I am a missionary, and that is a wonderful gift God has given me.  I get to work at helping people a lot, and that gives me a greater sense of purpose on the other side of my pain.  I really can't imagine how hard it is to be so young and have that kind of pain.  But i do have a pastor who lost his dad at the age of 12.  He had a really, really hard time.  Boys need their dads like girls need their moms.  I learned a lot from that pastor, who obviously became a pastor and a helper to people a lot for the same reason i became a missionary--sharing help with other people through God's love and strength.  I think once we find a direction for greater purpose in life beyond our own little world, that is when we begin to feel some relief from the deeper pain...  That is when we begin to heal.  It may be different for other people.  But for people of faith I am learning that there are a lot of similarities in our journeys.

Again, I wish there was an easy answer.  I really do believe that if you could find a good church that has a good youth/teen/young adult ministries, you might find some wonderful connections and support emotionally through this and through other stages in your life that bring challenge and difficulty.  Church isn't perfect, and there are people in church that disappoint, just like in the rest of the world.  But in a good young people's ministry, you could find a lot of what you need.  They can't replace your mom.  Nothing can, really.  But having a growing relationship with God and having a growing faith and greater purpose in life has changed me and countless others in the world, and the same could be for you.....

Outside of that there are other things, like journaling, writing and playing music, hobbies, finding a good mentor--a lady that can help you through tough young woman issues, and so on....  but there is not a fix it all solution, I'm afraid.  And I know you are lonely and sad, sweetheart.  And I wish i could bring you here where I am and have a time with you to give you comfort and love.  I am praying for you, because I know you need that so much.  BIG HUGS, Dear, Sweet Stephy.  I wish so much that I could reach out and hug you for real........ 

[stephysteph13]

claudia,

thanks so much for the words of inspiration. I wish we could meet eachother soon, i know me and you could get close. it sucks that we live so far away from eachother. i have a lot of support i guess but its like they just want me to move on because they hate seeing me upset. i cant help it, i used to be able to hide it and lately people have been noticing. im looking for attention or pity im just hurting, hurting alot and people just dont get it. thanks for the hug offer, i wish you could hug me, i need one right now. i miss her so much claudia and im hoping one day ill be happy again but i know it wont be for a very long time. this year is rough, im not even looking forward to prom, graduation, college anything because she isnt here. im an honor student but lately i cant concentrate and focus. it takes me forever to do my work because im so unmotivated and teachers arent really understanding anymore because its been over a year, and they think im just doing it for attention but im not. i barely ever talk about my mom to anyone, i closed up about it alot more than i used too. it feels like im annoying people when i talk about her, so i just dont say anything. i want her here its horrible! i dont understand how i can just live without her. im not severly depressed either, i function, laugh, hang out w friends, im just in ALOT of pain. i want her to see all my accomplishments. BI has helped alot along with my counseler, and recently ive started seeing a life coach and she is a sweetie and actually a family friend so we r pretty close. im lucky for what i have but sometimes it isnt enough. do you still feel depressed and stuff?

Steph-- thanks for caring so much! much love hugs

[4everjoeysmom]

Stephy, I do still get down and have my times where I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head--but not as much as I used to.  My faith relaly has helped to pull me out of the funks.  But that's not to say i still don't have hard days.  And I know EXACTLY what you are talking about when you described your lack of motivation.  I do still struglle with that A LOT!  It's hard to explain why.  It just is what it is.  It isn't for attention.  It's just that something shifted in me after Joey died.  It's like a spark that was in me is no more.  And that spark was like a key to being motivated.  I find myself sluggish a lot.  maybe it is depression and I just don't realize it.  But I have talked to many other people who have lost someone very close, and it seems like this is a common similarity--lack of motivation for a significant period of time, more than a year for certain.  Don't feel abnormal for that.  And tell your teachers you struggle with that.  Let them know it is not a ploy for attention but a very real factor in yoru long term grief process.  If they can't understand, it's only because they can't relate as they have not lost on that level.  And unfortunately we are in the minority as far as that goes.

Have you thought about what you might do after graduation and before college?  Are you graduating this year?  It's a bit of an expensive journey to get here, but you certainly would be welcome to visit for a time, anytime.  A passport is required...

I wish I could do something more.  I really do.  But you are right.  I do genuinely care so very much, and my heart aches for the pain that you are feeling.  Do you think your life counselor/friend will stand in for you at some of those special events?  I know it won't be the same, but having that support may help more than you realize...

I was working all week this past week with little kids and a few days with high schoolers.  Some of those kids have some really tough home situations too.  My heart aches for all ofthe young people that have so much pain....  sending HUGS across the miles, Claudia 

[stephysteph13]

Claudia,

I can't thank you enough for caring the way you do! it means so much to me! I'm just so lost, I have school tomorrow morning and I can't even stand the fact that I have to go in, which is really weird because usually I love school. I could def say that its my sanity. I do graduate this year June 20th.. and i hate that day because my mother died September 20th. Soo im not really looking forward to it at all, not having her in those stands is going to break my heart I see it already. I will have people there to support me though, thats exactly what I need. Over the summer I will just work and have fun wiht my friends, because I start nursing school at Felician college in September. I know I will do fine, and I will push through for my mom. I understand what you are saying about kids going through rough times. life just isnt a ball of fun  for us. like my best friend, my sister, michelle she has been through hell and back and she always tells me im her rock. yes i am strong for everyone else, but sometimes everyone needs a little push and i do now. Another thing that bothers me is that I dont cry alot over it, Ive had a few breakdowns but i dont cry alot at all. I cried ALL the time when she was sick and i was watching her dye in front of me, but now that she is gone its so hard for me to shed tears. is this normal? i feel guilty. im so depressed and tears just dont flow. ughh i dont know. I cry so easily with everything else. im a major softy but over my mom i cant just start crying something must trigger it. i dont know this tends to bother me ALOT however my counseler and life coach say that i study my feelings too much and drive myself crazy. i just have little hope that ill ever be happy again, because this pain is so intense, and claudia i go through everyday pretending that nothing is wrong because im so afraid of people judging me, they always have something to say that makes me feel worse. For example: I should be over it, it could have been worse, be lucky you have a dad, your mom wouldnt want to see you like this etc... these things dont help me thye make me feel worse, and deep down i know they arent saying these things to hurt me, they just dont understand. there is one girl who works at my school who im really close to, she is 25 and lost her dad the same year and the month before my mom so we understand eachother alot, and talk frequently about it.. these are the people im truly thankful for. Its something that i just must learn to except... living with this. even though it stinks i dont want to give up and i never did. i always kept going but sometimes it feels so impossible.

i had off all week  from school. tomorrow is my first day back. and i had so much homework and i waited til last minute to do it and i sat around all day in my pajamas and didnt tough it til around 7. this isnt me, i was always the one to do things quickly and i never waited til the last minute to do anything. i just miss the old me.

I stay very active in school, im in every club possible and i have big positions for example im editor of the school yearbook. these are the things that keep my mind occupied and i tend not to think about mom missing when these things are occurring. ivebeen told that im very inspirational and talk so postive which i do to other people, but sometimes i wish i could listen to my own advice. its so hard to be upset because people dont except that out of me because i always used to see the better side of life. my attitude was too laugh everything off because there was always something worse, this is until my mom passed. Its like everyone looks at me and admires my strength, but i wish i felt half as good as i look i guess. but the last few weeks i havent been able to hide it, but i guess the rest of the time ive just been good at pretending.

wow.... really sorry that this is so long. im kinda upset right now

Hugs thanks so much for all your help. you are making a difference!

Stephanie

[4everjoeysmom]

Stephanie,  One of the biggest favors I did for myself in my groeving was to stop evaluating what I thought was normal and not normal about it--my behavior, my responses, my emotions, my thoughts, etc.  Nothing is normal and everything is normal...  Everyone grieves differently, yet there are similarities beyond measure.  Grief flows, sometimes being softened, sometimes crashing in like todal waves and then receeding again for a little while.  Grief just is, and there is no measure of time or emotion that says it only lasts so long and then its over.  Everyone begins and journeys the healing path at different paces.  And with this being a really big year with several real significant events in your life, Stephanie, it is very understandable that you feel so many of the emotions you do.

It's good that you have a lot of activities that you are involved in if that helps you to get through each day.  But maybe you need to have some down time to just think and feel and allow yourself the space to mourn.  You said you don't cry much over your mom, but about much else you can cry at the drop of a hat.  Maybe there is something about crying for your mom that scares you--like there is some part of you that fears being openy engaged in mourning your mom.  Mourning is different than grieving.  Mourning is a time of deep reflection, allowing yourself to recognize and attend your feelings about that loss.  Maybe you already had a mourning period.  But I guess what I would caution is not to stuff your feelings aside, for whatever reason, because sooner or later you will have to address them.  I have friends here at BI who are dealing with grief from long ago that because they stuffed their feelings back then, they are now dealing with serious delayed grief.  Can you imagine?  20 years later and grieving like it was yesterday because it wasn't dealt with early on!  It happens.

I know it seems like life will never be good.  You are so young and with so much going on and so much ahead of you, it is unfair that you have this hurdle to jump over every time you have something going on that you would have your mom there with you.  You seem the type to be very creative with your hobbies and likes.  Have you given thought to some ways that you can symbolize your mom's presence with you through some of those special events?  Like for example putting a picture of your mom inside of your graduation cap--or wearing a special article of jewelry or a favoritew flower of your mom's in your corsage for prom--wearing her perfume--finding little ways, HER WAYS, that can bring you a little bit of comfort in tough moments you may have in getting through those days.  I know really in the grand scheme of things these things are of little commfort, but little is better than none--always.

Again, I so wish there was an easier solution, a fix to your hurt.  I do believe part of you may be relieved that your mom is not suffering any more, and maybe tears don't fall for simply that reason.  But don't feel that anything you feel or don't feel is not normal.  Your friend is right.  Try not to overanalyze yourself so much, especially right now.  With grief you have to just hang on tighter sometimes and ride the waves.  I am really glad you have a few people you can talk to and not hold back.  It's ok to say out loud to anyone that some days are harder than others because you miss your mom so much--an no matter what their response, just work at trying not to hold too much in all the time.  You need to let some of it out, not suppress it all.

I could write on and on, but truly just taking care of your health, your rest, your emotional needs and so forth are the best advice.... grief is work, and it's hard, and only with time will the waves begin to soften....  It is something that will be with you for the rest of your life from time to time, as time goes on.  But I do believe with time you will find some sparks of good in your life that will make you smile and laugh again.  It just doesn't feel like it right now....   BIG HUGS, Claudia

[mishelly561]

Omg thats a good idea. I need to purchase some tomorrow. I have been so sad lately just filled with "everything" I dont even know the words. all I do is cry for everything like a little kid an sit and stay in my office at work. My emotions right now are everywhere :X. I feel like a lunatic at times.

[stephysteph13]

mishelly,

Are you ok? im  always her eto talk.. im listening if u want to talk

Steph

[mishelly561]

Hi there~

I was reading what you had said and I in my 30's have alot of those feelings. I lost my son 2 weeks before his 20th birthday in October of 2006 to murder.

I can have a day when I just lay there an not move and feel no motivation what so ever. I use to be the go getter and run everywhere for everyone know I see it as everyone has to do things instead of me. I have days where I can go to the store an stuff but I only stay for a little while then get it over with.

Its normal to feel however you want and for people to say the things they say to you then they don't know what its like for us in any matter until they feel the instant crashing of their world they will never know.

I won't say its ok and its going to get better. All I can say is take it day by day and sometimes minute by minute. It can hit you out of nowhere then the tears start flowing anything can trigger your memory. I had mine trigggered the other day when I saw a child having a seizure at my workplace I had to go into my office because I started thinking "save him save him" like he was my son and I could do that. My emotion came over me an I stayed in my office lookin all blank.

Its ok to cry a little I am like that I cant just scream or anything. I get times where I am driving and i feel like yelling and cry but after a  minute or 2 I stop and continue on.

Take Care~

Michelle

[soliel32]

 Hello, there your not alone.  I have been told to stop moping, that pisses me off.  I am sorry for your son, I know sorry alone does not make it better, I am close to my family my cousin was murdered, I stood by his mother every step of the way, I am sure a mothers pain is beyond words, to make matters worse a good friend who I loved was killed two months later i witness the trail of blood left behide.  Then I witness my father dying in front of me of a fatal heart attack.  Then people have the nerve to tell me get over it.  Well guess what, you just don't get over it.  I tell you something, every time you want to yell, cry, get angry,  its normal that you do.  Its important to release your emotions to yourself, its about you, your healing, and what you feel inside needs to be released.  Its easy for people to say get over it, especially when they don't know what its like.  Yes that pisses me off.  All I can say is when your grieving stop beating yourself to say whats normal, or whats not.  When something is pulled away from your soul, everything changes, its like you don't even know who you are at times the pain is so deep.  You hang in there, own your feeling and take it one day at a time.  I bet somedays seem forever.  But I believe your a strong person for even sharing your story.  I am grateful you did.  I will not tellyou get over it .  All I can say is one day at a time.  Sonia

[aurora]

[angelgirl63]

A few weeks have passed since you posted on this thread... I hope you don't think it forward of me to ask, but did you get your things back since then? How terrible for anyone to do something like that to one suffering so much. Maybe it wasn't out of malice, but ignorance, on their part and you can ask for your things back. I'm so sorry, Aurora.  

[aurora]

Angel, no the only thing I got back was a bookcase my husband made.

[missingddbdkb]

WHAT YOU SAID IS SO TRUE, UNTIL SOMEONE GOES THRU LOSING SOMEONE VERY CLOSE TO THEM, THEY WILL NEVER KNOW

[sheela]

i ve had to say good bye to many family members bc of their toxicness but from what i can tell i am so much way better off with out i just pray to God to protect me from them and their lies, and hurtfulness.

[solemate]

Im with you sheela - some family members after deaths can be very rude and thoughtless.  I have now accepted that my only sibling (sister) is no longer someone that wants to be in contact with us.  It does hurt that this has happened - it is almost like I have lost her also.    I have offered several times for some connection eg. come around for dinner etc.  I have a bigger heart than hers - I can forgive the hurtfull  comments and actions by her.  She just grieves differently to me.  So I am today moving on without her in my family unit - sad as it may be but I need to let got of her anger towards me so I can live a happier life.  Take care everyone 

[4everjoeysmom]

My brother and I are for the most part estranged as well.  He likes to think he has had a good relationship with my kids, but the reality is they've hardly known him--just at family gatherings and rarely a visit to his home.  When my son died, my brother was "there", but only for the time in front of everyone during the most difficult week of my life.  After that he went back to his life in his own little world.  He doesn't contact me to acknowledge significant dates regarding the son I lost, nor does her ever contact me to simply ask how I am doing.  Truthfully I only hear from him when he wants something (like for me to pray for him in some way), or when he wants to boast and brag about something.  I haven't "disowned him" so to speak.  But I don't give a lot of creedence to "maintianing" the relationship from my end.  I dropped all expectations I ever had of him and just let him do his own thing.  When I do hear from him, I treat him with love--but I know in my heart that I can't change him.  He does what he does.  It's sad, though, because he is my only sibling as well....   Sometimes I think he spent so many years trying to run away from being like my dad that he actually wound up being more like him than he even realizes....  My brother is a chameleon that changes to suit his social atmosphere, because he has always measured his worth by what others think of him...  and he's still chasing that worth.  Personally, the journey of loss is a difficult one that I never imagined I could recover from...  but my brother's journey...  I'm thankful I am not in his shoes...  I actually pity him more than I am angry.  It must be a terribly lonely existence and I cannot even imagine what inner struggles and demons he wrestles with...   So sad.....................................

[missingcurtis]

I usually post on the Loss of a Partner as I lost my spouse in 2005 but it makes me angry that his family have pretty much written me off as well.

We were married for 36 years and we lived in the same town as his 2 married sisters and their families.  We spent a lot of holidays together and even took some trips together.

I think it started right after he died.  I was alone for 3 days and nights before the funeral.  Later one of his sisters said, people had brought food to her house.  But do you think she thought to call me?  No..........I got dressed and went to McDonalds a couple of times.  And came home to an empty house.

I do have some family who lived in another town and they showed up the night before the funeral.  They took off work for his funeral and then went back home.

But fast forward to nearly 3 years later and they never call and don't return my calls when I call.

I makes me angry that they don't seem to miss their brother and that they treat me like they never knew me.

Maybe time will make it better.

Missing Curtis.............

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family