Anger and Depression

July 3, 2007

Guest Wrote:

I have no where left to go and everything inside is killing me.

My beautiful baby girl Malia died in December from HLHS.

And it\'s not fair. I did everything I was suppossed to I took my vitamins and walked drank all that yucky water all for her and she was still born with a heart defect that has no reasons. There is no medical reason there is no fact or report that says why it happens for some reason it does.

****Hokey Wrote:***** I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain.

Guest Wrote: She suffered for so long. And every time they told me she won\'t live through the night, She did! Everytime they told me it was her time to go she proved them wrong and in the end we made the choice for her.

****Hokey Wrote:***** She sounds like such a strong person. I wonder if she didn\'t live for you? Because she loved you so much she did not want to see you suffer - so she suffered herself. I\'ll bet she understood on some base level that what you did for her was the most selfless act of love there could ever be. Love may be invisible to the sciences we know today - but just because science cannot mathematically prove it, does not mean it is not real or that it lacks substance. And just as fingerprints and DNA are unique - so is each bond of love between people.

Guest Wrote: I am so tired of hearing about God and how this will make me a better, happier person? Happy? How does someone be happier watching their child suffer for 5 1/2 months then die?

****Hokey Wrote:***** Please don\'t be offended - but I do not believe in God. I can understand to a point how others do. I sometimes wish I did - so many people find comfort in their belief. I can see how people who care about you want desperatly to say something to you that will comfort you - but no one really knows what they can possibly say or do that will make a difference, so they rely on God, from Whom they themselves find comfort.

****Hokey Wrote:***** As for happiness? Well, there are many levels of that. You can\'t go back. You can never go back. Your life has a \"before\" and and \"after\" now. Most of our lives have many \"before\'s\" and many \"after\'s\". Another form of happiness - long lasting or brief - may await you in the years ahead. But it will never be the same. It may never be as deep, or it may be deeper. Or you yourself might die before finding it. No one knows. I wish there was a magic answer. I have laughed since my child died - but it was not the same as \"before\". In fact, I felt guilty and ashamed and like a very bad mother for finding anything humorous. I don\'t want to - it\'s not right. At least it doesn\'t seem right. I have often felt that I should be in constant mourning for the rest of my life. I don\'t want happiness. Only someone who has experienced the same loss could possibly understand. I\'ve said similar things to people and they thought me crazy. I keep it to myself now.

Guest Wrote: I don\'t understand it and I\'m angry and no one seems to care.

It\'s been 6 months since she died and everyone keeps pretending it didn\'t happen. or worse, well why don\'t you have another one?

****Hokey Wrote:***** Oh, the \"have another one\" comment. Wouldn\'t you just like to punch them in the face!! How DARE they say that!! I just want to rip away someone they love and cherish and then tell them to replace that person. It\'s like I mentioned about DNA - you could have another child and the DNA markers would show that they are related - but each individual has individual DNA - and and individual bond of love. People are not replaceable. I don\'t know why some people don\'t get that! Its not like they grow back like fingernails. Having another one would only be a distraction, and a very stressful one, and one that would not be fair to the new baby. Even if you are distracted from your grief - your grief does not lessen or go away, nor do you immediately move past it. AARRUUGGHH!!! I\'m angry at people for that. I just want to shake them!

Guest Wrote: I want my daughter and I\'m tired of pretending she didn\'t die!

I\'m tired of being told how strong I am and how well I\'m handling things, I\'m not handling anything I\'m burying it and one day It\'s going to burst free.

I\'m Sad, I\'m angry, and I\'m mad. But I also know none of this will ever bring her back.

****Hokey Wrote:***** Never pretend. Yell, scream, tell people How Dare They trivialize your pain! How DARE they give you a time limit on your grief! How DARE They even think they can know what you are going through. Let them get offended and mad - and then tell them that their anger or offense is not one tiny fraction as real as what you are feeling and what their ignorant and uncaring comments are doing to you. Come here and yell, rant, rave. Call a crisis hotline and find a support group where you can go and scream and cry and not be judged.

****Hokey Wrote:***** There is an article on this board about dealing with grief. I\'m not sure how to link to it from here, but when I went thru a loss I printed that and gave it to someone who thought I was over my daughter\'s death after a week and was asking every little detail of how it felt and how I \'got over it\' and what it felt like, and what she looked like, and all sorts of stupid, ignorant, uncaring questions! And this was from an adult who was laughing as she asked and had no inkling that she was soooo out of line. I almost got fired for that because I yelled back and began to cry and then got mad and then passed out because my blood pressure shot up so high and then bottomed out rapidly. I think the article is called \"Death: The Ultimate Loss\" Try a search for that. It\'s good to just hand to someone who is trying to do or say the right thing and keeps blundering. It has a section on what Not to say. Everyone I have given it to (with one exception) has found it helpful and apologized to me for what they said.

August 7, 2007

I don't understand how soooo much death and loss can happen to one family! I know there are many out there but why does this happen? It seems like every 6mos to a year someone else dies. I have lost my uncle(2nd dad), brother, sister, cousin, and 2 friends. I can't handle anymore! Everyone always says how strong I am but I don't understand how I had anyother choice. It is sooo hard to get out of bed everyday. I can't watch the news because it is too depressing and a few months ago, a 3year old girl i coached was killed by a drunk driver. It just keeps happening. there is no end to it. How am I supposed to heal and move on when this keeps happening and I have no way to heal?? I am soo angry all the time and no one understands. They think I shouldn't think about it so much or that I worry too much but I miss them soo much and I cant stand that they're gone. I am angry at the world and don't feel like I fit in anywhere. How do I continue living when these things keep happening and knock me down?

August 7, 2007

Guest & Hokey Religions,

Grief and loss is as unique as fingerprints. We all have them, but they are intrinsically individual. Each one of us on BI earned the unenviable right to be through the loss of someone in our lives.

Those who have lost now have a skewed life that seems so out of sync with those who have no concept of losing someone close to them.

I know what you mean - “since she died everyone keeps pretending it didn't happen. or worse, well why don't you have another one?” After I lost my son friends that had known me for many years avoided me. They were lost to what to say, and also in other ways glad that it wasn’t them suffering this loss. Some ventured out with wisdom like ‘you still have another son’ or he was 31 its not like he was a child. Well that is crap. He was my child, and yes I do have other children but part of my being died with him in January.

It hasn’t changed in many years. My first child was still born out of wedlock. Nursing Staff and family saw it as a blessing in disguise. You are young; you will be able to have others. For my family it was a blessing. No illegitimate child to embarrass the family . No thought as to the loss, the guilt, the grief that I felt losing that perfect little boy. No explanation as to why he died, it wasn’t considered necessary.

I agree with Deb. Let it out. If you want to shout scream cry do it. You are grieving. If others don’t understand its not your job to make them or to adjust your grief to fit their comfort zone.

I found such a comfort when finding a so called friend shushing people around me when the mentioned Micheals name. Her theory was she didn’t want me to become distressed. What she was doing was making herself comfortable, she didn’t know how to deal with me when I was crying or ‘grieving out loud”. Once I made it clear that Micheal was still part of my life and his name should not be forgotten she stopped being a friend.

As for GOD. He is a personal option, not mine. I find this site, the mums & dads that post more support and give more real understanding. I have also been known to head up the mountains and scream at whoever might be running the show, demanding answers and expending anger, tears and energy. It may not be the answer but it goes a long way in clearing my head and allows me to get things in perspective.

I hope your strength returns, your circle of family/friends or community afford you the privilege of grieving for your beautiful child unhindered. May you find a soft place to land when all has consumed you.

Trudi

August 13, 2007

I lost my mother back in September of 2005 and for the last two years I have been battling a severe depression. I had a lot of anger as well. I was only 18 years old at the time of her death. She died by suicide. I still have a lot of depression left. I can't hardly stand it. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past. It has been two years of complete suffering for me. Is there anyone that knows how I can fight off my depression and suicidal thoughts? My parents were also divorced for almost a year before this happened, so I was already facing a lot of depression before this. I have been taking medications for the past year. Some of the medications I was taking I believe were making my suicidal thoughts, anger, and depression even worse, so I advise you to really make sure that they are the right medications. I have since April been taking two new medications after I got off the old ones and they have been helping some but my depression is still here. I am thinking about getting off all medications after I ask my psychiatrist and see if I can do better by myself.

August 16, 2007

Protostar, you have made a great beginning in recovering from depression. You have acknowledged its existence and modified your meds. I watched my son struggle with depression after battling debiliating health problems. While he was medicated, he never seemed to find a psych that he felt comfortable with, or trusted. Stay with the meds, find that psych you can link into that will work with you and the meds to find your peace. It isn't a one day cure and sometime the journey seems never ending.

Micheal found his psych and meds in the final weeks of his life. He never got the chance to find his peace on earth, someone took that away from him.

I send you so much positive energy in your search. To have lived through some of the stuff you have managed so far is a sign that you have the inner strength.

Blessed be to the ones who search for answers and the path to recovery.

Trudi

August 23, 2007

For All~ ANGER at LIFE!!!! Plenty, plenty of the time...I am, by "nature", a very happy person.. So too, was Danny. My life has been teased and tinged with so much fear, now sadness. So too, was Danny's. His journey , however, has taken him to a place where he will NEVER know either again...No fear, no sad, and therefore NO PAIN!!! I handled the fear like a pro...Then, losing a child is a sadness, riddled with neverending fear. Then one day, for some unknown reason, it does soften, some. I truly believe, that for me, had I not worked with professionals, people that have experienced this type of loss, I have not a clue where I would be today. Each and every person here is a professional as well..They are walking in my shoes.

I am no longer angry, for Danny is no longer at risk of being bullied ever again...He has all of the respect of all of his angel buddies, and my Dad is taking great care of his wings!! He passed on 6 weeks before Danny...

I do see doctors that have handled my depression far better than I could. I stay away, emotionally, from people who think that I have "the cooties"... I have found out, that guess what?? I don't, because I never did, and they might because they may have always had...

LOVE,

mamabetsxoxoxo

September 23, 2007

hello friends! i am new here. like mamabets I am by nature a very happy person.I love to smile and give love. I used internet to forget about my illness. Im a positve thinker who doesn't like so much drama in life and for the past 2 years i can say that i gain lots of friends around the world and listen to their griefs and depression...online life gave me so much happiness. I love being with people who have problems. until one evening in one of the famous space site i met this wonderful man. We started as friends and after 4 months we decided to meet in person. we're so happy before we met. he doesn't know bout my illness . i tried to keep it from him coz i dont want him to get hurt. I was so damn wrong , i should have told him that before we met. I misjudged his understanding and love. now my life is full of tears with so much fear and sadness. tears after he told me that its better for us to have space for a while. , fear to loose him coz god knows how much i love him, sadness coz he dont understand me and why i did that. He told me last thurday why i lied to him about my health, why i let him fall inlove without saying that im not ok. I only did that for him, i thought its better fr me to keep it for us to have hapy relationship. i am so scred to tell him coz i know that he care so much and he worry so much. Is it my fault? is keeping him bout my health wrong? sometimes i wish i never met him, i feel his pain and i have no idea if he understands me. please tell me my friends... i 'm so depressed. i love him so much!

September 29, 2007

My name is Jacob. My wife just lost her father and she will not have anything to do with me. She will not talk to me. She throws things at me. I try to do my best to comfort her but she will not let me. She hits me in front of the kids and throws major fits. She won't even sleep in the same bed with me anymore. I work very hard to support my family and I am trying my best to understand how she feels. She will not let me be there for her. I miss my wife. Before her dad passed away we had the best relationship. She used to kiss me when I would get home from work and hug me now she does nothing but yell at me. Any advise?

Thanks,

Jacob

September 29, 2007

Dear Jacob, I'm so sorry for your situation and the loss of your father-in-law. After I lost my 24 year old son last year I withdrew from my husband emotionally. I had so much rage and anger for a time--maybe about 3 months in total before I could get my emotions in check and process in a healthier way. It's hard to describe the emotional chaos that goes on inside. It's a helplessness that doesn't seem to be eased. It's a jealousy of others that haven't had to go through this kind of loss. For example, my husband ahs 3 kids and I have 2. Having lost one of mine and he still having all of his made me resent him in some way during that time. I know it's totally irrational, but it is what it is. He couldn't comfort or pacify me at all. In time I began to open up to him and talk about what was going on inside of me, and we are very close. We were before. But I think we're even closer now, having gotten through one of the worst catastrophic events and tragedies of our lifetime. I wasn't in a place where I could get counseling, as we live in another country where I am not yet fluent in the language. My husband is a minister, and so it was burdensome for me to feel like if I did open up I would "expose" that things were not peachy between us. I did turn to God and holding onto Him who is much greater than I has been my life line. I also came here to BI and began to post and identify with others who experienced great loss and indescribeable pain. I connected, and that's what I needed to do--connect. After a time I began to see the pain of others more than my own, and it's been healing to be on the other end of the spectrum, helping others to cope through a time where I had such difficulty myself. Perhaps you can write down this website and leave it in a place for your wife to explore. She will find friends and comfort here if she is open to exploring and trying. You have to let her know that you cannot for the sake of your safety and the well being of the kids be a target for physical or verbal abuses. The potential for lasting trauma on the kids especially is a horrible monster to have to deal with. The kids need to feel secure and loved and safe. And you have to protect your marriage to the point of not entering a place, crossing lines that will create wounds too deep or difficult to overcome. I don't know what that means for you--perhaps taking the kids out more, going for weekends at grandma's or another realtive's house, or whatever. Your wife needs time. She is in a very bad emotional place right now. I don't know if she holds to faith, but it seems those of us that do find our way back much stronger than those who don't. That's just an observation I've made from being here on the site for about a year now. There is a good thread in Loss of a Parent--Father where your wife may be able to identify and walk through her emptions with others who know and can help her. Counseling is another option, or a grief support group in your area, but she would have to be ready for that and want it--not forced into it. I do hope an pray that this time of anger and resentment passes quickly for the sake f your family's well being. Again, I'm so sorry for the loss and how it is affecting your family. You are a good man to reach out and try to find ways to help her. Stick with her and let her know in however ways you can that her well being is important to you and the kids and that you love her. She'll come around... it takes time. -Claudia

September 29, 2007

Thank u for your response. I get to where I don't even want to be in the house with her because I'm scared she's going to start hitting me and I definitely do not want to hurt her physically so I just end up taking the abuse and try to stop her. I've tried to get her to go to counseling or talk with someone but she just yells at me and tells me it won't do any good and I don't understand what she is going through. I feel like as long as I'm not around then there won't be any of these issues.

September 29, 2007

Jacob, I can certainly understand how you must be feeling. Perhaps again, by telling your wife about the web site and letting her know you may not exactly understand what she is going through, there are others who know EXACTLY what she feels and is going through. She really is feeling isolated, I imagine, and is growing in that isolation even moreso by her own actions. If she could just get connected to others that she can relate to and begin opening up, she would find some relief.

Hang in there! Do what you have to for yourself, but be careful as well, as you can become very vulnerable in a situation like this. Come here to post as often as you find support and help. We care. Warm regards, Claudia

October 1, 2007

Jacob, just checking in to see how you're doing... I've been hoping that your wife will reach out to others that can relate and that she can identify with to help her in easing out of the bitterness and anger and onto a healthy path of grieving and healing... Take care, friend. -Claudia

October 6, 2007

I posted a few weeks ago on the forum dealing with the upcoming death of a loved one. Claudia, thank you for your kind words. You are an amazing woman who reaches out to so many people on different forums. Bless you. I don't know how you do it. Well, yes I do, it's your faith.

I have never been a person who has fought depression, but the past couple of weeks I am really struggling. As I posted on the other forum, my dad died on Labor Day after a long, hard-fought battle with pulmonary fibrosis. He was 79 and his death was not unexpected, so I thought I'd be able to deal with it better. What I'm finding is now that the initial relief over the end of his suffering has been replaced with the reality that he is gone. It just seems to hammer in my head, anytime I have an idle moment. I know we all hit this point and it is not new to me, as I lost my 20 year old brother and 58 year old brother within nine months of each other, a number of years ago. While I know this is part of life and I have a strong faith, I'm really struggling. When I'm at work during the day I'm okay, for the most part, but when I come home to the quiet, I find myself slipping into a deep funk, for the lack of a better description. There is such a feeling of despair over the fact that half of my family is gone now. I guess I expected that at age 53 I would be better equipped emotionally to deal with the death of a parent. I tell myself, "Come on, you know this is a part of life...many of your friends are at this same stage in their lives..." Logic doesn't hold up to emotion at times like this though, does it?

I don't really know why I'm even writing tonight because I know this is all a part of the grief process. I've been through this before and I know what to expect, but I hate it. I know, who doesn't? None of us would be here if we had a choice. I try to reason with myself, saying that if people who have lost a child can do this, then I really have nothing to despair about. I have a friend who works with families of the terminally ill and when my youngest brother died I remember her saying that she often has family members ask her why? She said the only thing she can tell them is...it's just your turn. How sad, but how very true. None of us are immune from going through loss, and yet we feel so ill-equipped when it's our turn! I've often thought that if death is a natural part of life, then God should have equipped us better to deal with it. Another friend who recently lost her last parent summed it up well. We were talking about how you get through grief and she said that you just do the next thing. How true. You keep moving, even when you don't want to or think you can. My faith is what kept me moving forward after my mom and brother's deaths, but I'm having a hard time holding onto it this time. In the early day's after their deaths I found myself wondering how people who had no faith got through the grief. Now I'm asking myself why it is so difficult for me to reach out to God this time. This time is so different. I've had people tell me that it is such a different feeling when both of your parents are gone. Maybe that's it. I just don't know, but I sure know that I didn't expect it to be like this this time.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

DianeS

October 6, 2007

Correction on my last post...

I lost my 29 year old brother and 58 year old mother within nine months of each other a number of years ago. (Typing too fast, I guess)

DianeS

October 6, 2007

I LOST MY BELOVED SON FEBRUARY 11, 2007 AND I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE WHO THINK I SHOULD GET OVER.I AM SO HURT AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING, HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE, GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES, IT WAS HIS TIME,ETC. HE WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED ON HIS JOB, WHEN THE KILLERS WERE TETALIATING AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT MY SON, SO MUCH. WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER, HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HIS MOTHER. I AM IN COUNSELING AND KNOW THAT GRIEF IS A PROCESS. THAT EVERYONE HAS TO GRIEVE IN THEIR OWN TIME. THERE IS NO SET TIME FRAME AND I WILL NOT PRETEND OR SHUT MY TEARS OFF TO PLEASE OTHERS.

October 6, 2007

Dear Guest, I am so sorry for your loss, and so very sorry for the brutal circumstances that have brought you here. Please know that my deepest condolensces and prayers are with you.

People say such ridiculous things, cliche sayings that they have no idea are insensitive. They truly are uncomfortable with death and loss hitting them so close to home when someone they know experiences it, and in such an awful manner that your son died. It's the way of the world for people to run from pain and hide behind stupid suggestions that we just get over it and move on. They don;t realize just how stupid and insensitive it is, truly. But that doesn;t make it any easier for us that experience the loss. We just want to know people care. We want to feel not so alone in our pain. But most of the time there is no relief, and the things people say only compound the pain by adding frsutration and resentment. I'm so sorry you are feeling all of that. But you have to release and grieve in your own way, and just shut out what people say that just don't know any better. You don't have to hide to make others comfortable. be true to yourself and take care of yourself. And come here for connections with others who can relate and give you comfort in the way you need to receive it. We all care when someone else is hurting...

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope and pray that justice will come for the wrong that has been done. It certainly will never bring back what has been lost, so it could never truly be enough. But please know you are in my thoughts and prayers through this very difficult time. Hugs, Claudia

October 6, 2007

DianeS, your post touched base with me. My husband died 2 years ago, suicide. I have gone on even when I thought it was impossible. But, I have a feeling of dread of losing anyone else. It is always there in my mind, but I do my best to ignore it. I worry about how I will handle my parents death. I really almost didn't make it when my husband died, it was my boys and God that carried me through. I keep telling myself that I have been through the worst, but I don't really know if that is true. Also, I plan to marry soon a man I love so very much. He is so good to me and I thank God everyday He allowed me to experience happiness again. But, to think I could lose him like I lost Jeff is almost too much to bear. There are no sure things in this life, not one. I know that, all too well. I will continue to try to live each day fully, not think about the future, because today is all I really am sure about. Thank you for your post. It always helps to get this stuff out in the open.

October 6, 2007

DianeS, I am so gald Sidvis posted. I almost missed your post from the wee hours of this morning. Thanks Sidvis! Your timing is beautiful.

I think when we encounter loss upon loss, even when some of the losses are older and much time had passed and we seemingly coped through them, we sort of go through a mourning those losses all over again when we enocunter another one. I don't know, but it seems like since wounds leave scars, even though healed to a good degree, those scars open up like fresh wounds when we are hurt again. I can understand how faith can waiver as we face these trials and scream out to God with our whys and hows. How can he let this happen again? Why so much in one lifetime? Why do we not feel better equipped? How are we supposed to cope through yet another loss. And the lonliness... ugh. I know. It's the quiet after the day is complete when we are left to wrestle with our own thoughts, fears and emotions. I remember my husband had to go to the States (we live abroad in missions work) and acquire our visas to be here long term. It had been only 3 months since Joey had died, and I was left to be here alone. We live in a very isolated place, and I was without a car. So I really was left to my thoughts. That was a very painful and difficult time for me. I had 2 weeks of isolation and lonliness, almost too much to bear. I thought I would go mad or not live through it. I had hoped in that time that I could be intimate with God and feel His presence, but I was numb and I couldn't feel anything but alone. Hindsight now shows me that he was with me. I had to learn how to seek harder after Him. But to do so I had to step farther outside of my emotions and fears. God I was so afraid. I feared my husband wouldn't return, that there would be some horrible accident. I was in constant panic. But he did return. This year at the end of August he had to go back for a month to deal with some family crises. I again had to remain here and was very isolated. But it was different this time. I did have more peace and more intimacy with God, and I actually enjoyed my time of solitude, at least somewhat. I was still lonely, but it was different, better this time. I guess in what I am saying is that even our relationship with God is a work in progress. Much of it has to do with how much we are turning to him in our need and how much we are willing to trust him with our lives and circumstances. It isn't easy. And I find myself very often praying and asking him to reveal more of himself and his will for me, because I just can't find it when I am overraught by emotion. It is a constant effort to seek him, but it is one worth making, because it is all the difference in how we mature in our faith and our relationship with him. he is always with us, even when we aren't looking for him. But we can feel his presence more when we are seeking him.

I can think it's true when I say losing a child is the worst... But I know that all loss of someone very near and dear is devastating, and rightfully I cannot say that losing my child is worse than someone who has lost a parent or a spouse, or a very best friend. I can only think that it's worse, because it hurts so much. Loss is so painful because we love so much and we are left behind to muddle through without those who have gone before us. It stinks really. I admit that I absolutely hate that my son is not where I can tangibly hug him and hear his voice. But I can't hate where he is now. I can't hate God for giving Joey such a beautiful eternity. It's just my own mysery of still being in this world without my Joey that is so hard to bear. And though I am certain to not understand portions of the whys and hows in this lifetime, I do trust and know that in time God will reveal to me profound goodness and mercy, and grace to get me through it, because he loves me that much. I just have to "be still and know he is God". That's the hard part, isn't it? Besides the missing of course. Oh God how I miss my son. But I do know there isn't a day that goes by that my God doesn't ache for my pain and suffering. He weeps with me. I know this. He didn't cause my pain, but sometimes I wonder why doesn't he prevent it? And then I have to remind myself that his promise of deliverance isn't from the pain of the world. His promise is for what is beyond this world. I believe our treasure, what we can find joy in is found in what we fill our hearts with. And while our hearts are so full of sorrow, if we can continually add more of Christ, and let our love for him grow, the treasure of our hearts becomes something way more than we ever expected or imagined. He begins to fill the places of pain with himself. And while we will always have the missing, we also have the anticipation of knowing his promises are true, he is with us, and He can be our treasurem our peace, our comfort and our friend. We truly are never alone.

I so wish there were instant relief from pain like this. But if there were, would I change? Would I appreciate what I had? Would I appreciate what there is yet to obtain? How would I ever turn my heart more toward God if I could fix my own grief? These are now my questions of hows and whys that are continually growing me toward looking for God's purpose in "my" life. There has to be more than just the pain. There has to be something that comes through from the other side of this pain that will tell me that I would do it all over again, despite the sorrow. And I guess when my time comes I will know the answers more clearly, and he will once and for all wipe away my tears. But until then I will continue on seeking Him with Hope and determination to not let my life be a waste in the darkness of despair and grief. Even that takes work... Some days I'm just so tired. But again, I know he is my strength because I never could have gotten to this point without him...never. I suppose now I am rambling a bit... but please knoe I so understand where you are Diane. I so know those emotions and the pain, and the lonliness. I am praying for you... And please write more as you feel like it. It does help to release and know others understand and care... HUGS, Claudia

October 8, 2007

Thanks to those who responded to my post. I appreciate the support here so very much. Claudia, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that new losses open the healed wounds of older losses. How true that is.

I have not really experienced the "why" with my dad's death. As difficult as it is to lose him, this death is at least the "normal" progression of how life is to be, if that makes sense. With my mom and brother's death, there were (sometimes still are) many why's. They were young and it was sudden. It seemed so absolutely senseless. I had my dad 18 years longer and feel so blessed to have had him as long as we did, especially considering that he outlived the life expectancy of that particular disease by more than a year.

Claudia, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been when you found yourself alone only three months after Joey's death. I admire your faith. I know it does not always come easy. The one scripture that I held on to for some time when I felt such despair after losing my mom and brother was, "They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength." I would go to church and receive nothing. It felt like my heart was a cold stone. One day I was walking and I cried out to the Lord and basically said that I couldn't do it anymore. I was so tired and so hurt and just did not have the strength to keep trying. When that verse spoke to my heart it was like a huge weight lifted and I said, "I can do that. I can wait." And I did. And in time my heart began to soften again. And then the healing really began. All God asked me to do was to wait. As tired as I was, I knew that was something I could do and it was such a relief.

I read your post on the forum for those who have lost a child before I came here tonight. Your response to the mom about sharing your faith on the forum was so good. There are posts that we all pass over when we don't agree with them. I hope you will always feel free to share how your faith gets you through. I know many people have received much comfort from what you've written.

DianeS

October 8, 2007

Diane,

:-)

Bless you!

October 31, 2007

Dianne, read your post about losing your parents and how at 52 you thought you might have been better equipped. I had the same thoughts when I lost my mum 2 yrs ago. Dad had died 25yrs before. The grief and devestation of his death though lesser is with me now. He was the parent I connected with the most. Mum was 80 when age and alzheimers saw her join him May 05. My younger brother and I sat with her each day before she died and then for hrs after she passed.

The death I guess was expected. We went through funerals and tidying up her things. It wasn't until a week later that it hit me. I was an orphan. It seemed funny at first, but then the reality hit me. No longer did I have the parents that raised me and saw me through the early days of my development. I had become the 'parent' to my aged mother, but now I was the child who literally cried for her mummy.

A significant part of who I am and who I will become had died and taken with it part of me.

It wasn't just the aged frail lady who passed, it was the vivacious dark haired woman who dance with my father and sat with me when I was 2 having survived life threatening illness. It was the woman who gave birth and struggled with the idea of being a mum. It was someone who had known me all my life who now was no longer there to give me insight and recollection of my life.

I am yet to find an age that isn't vunerable to the raw and unpredictable emotions of grief.

My heart and thoughts are with you and those who come to BI to think out loud, and speak from the heart of loss and pain.

Blessed be

Trudi

October 31, 2007

hi everyone. it has been a while since i've been here, the whole site is changed. i think i just need to vent to someone who is not directly involved in my situation. my father-in-law is in stage 4 cancer; lung and bone. just the other day he had a special radiation treatment for the bone cancer. today he was taken to a hospice house for a temporary stay of 5 days. my mother-in-law is in denial. she feels that if we can just get his strength back then he can fight this.........................he is fighting. my husband sometimes tells me info but gets mad at me when i say something that disagrees with what his mom says. ok. he is defending his mom................who is not realistic at this moment. i lost my mom in 2004 and i was the caregiver. i understand that type of stress, pressures, demamds, confusion, hurt, anger, denial, ect. ect. my husband was not there for me in any possible way when my mom was sick. he is barely there for his mom. i just want to scream!!! how do i continue to handle all this without going crazy??? i must say this........my first response to any situation of this nature is anger. i don't know why but it has always been that way. when i'm done being angry, i come across as abrasive. any other time i am the total opposite. so, i guess just saying these things is helpful but it is good to hear other people's views on this. thanks.

November 1, 2007

hmtod73, You are definitely under a lot of stress right now. I, too, am one to find the anger emotion upon me rapidly when I am under fire like that. It's always been that way for me too--a defense mechanism, I suppose. Having been in a situation of losing a parent, you understand more keenly what is happening, and in a way that's a huge blessing. Your husband seems detached from what you say. He's probably hurting deeply, but has his own way of dealing with it, which is to detach. Your mother in law's denial is not uncommon. She probably cannot even begin to imagine her world without her life partner, even though she probably knows in her heart that the end is near. Everyone is dealing with pain so differently. You are seeing things very clearly, and in your way of coping, it sounds like you would like to "fix" things--correct the denial your mother in law is expressing so she can open up to reality of the situation, correct you rhusband's detachment so he can be a support to his mom and you, etc. I believe as difficult as it is for everyone involved, because you've been there, and knowing from your very own experience that people have to come through loss and grief in the best way they can internally, a certain degree of patience, trial and error, empathy without action to go and fix things, and so on is probably the best course in this moment. It may seem like it is most difficult for you, because you are "the together one" in the situation. But I'm sure everyone is hearing the voice of reality inside of them loud and clear. It's that voice of reason that they are trying to escape in their own way. And it's hard for them to find that "safe house" in their heart when your voice of reason is chasing after them as well. Denial and Distance are not good, but sometimes its the only way we can live through the moment without dying ourselves. Just as we are quick to anger in survival mode, others kick into survival mode in their fashions. I'm sure it's easier said than done, but if you can just be a support with silence, empathetic and present yet forgiving for what is wrong in the picture, patient and at peace that time will correct the fogginess and bring reality to the surface, then you may find less pressure on yourself. Just your bodily presence (without words) is sufficient to let them know you care. You need do no more than just to "be there". Unless you are in a role of making medical decisions, anything more you do than to just "be there" is of your choosing, and you may be the ultimate one adding more pressure on yourself. I know. It's a horrible Catch 22 in our minds when we want to fix things. Patience is not my strongest virtue. But I do believe you can be at more peace if you can find a way not to feel so responsible to fix what's wrong with how everyone is grieving their approaching loss and just let go so that each one can find their way in their appropriate manner and time. I do hope and pray you can find comfort and peace, and that your father in law will not have to experience longsuffering. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. -Claudia

November 1, 2007

claudia, thank you for responding to my post. all i can say is i know, i know, i know. everything you have said makes total sence and i do know that. at the moment that i wrote i had so many emotions running thru me i didn't know what to do or who to talk to. here is the odd thing, i am actually going to school to be a bereavement counselor. yes, i have a long way to go and by going thru this and going to school i am made aware that i need to work on my way of handling things and reacting to things. i'm sure i was not the most pleasent person to be around when my mom was sick. on an everyday routine basis i am just fine. calm, smiling, relaxed, go with the flow, helpful, giving. then when this happens i turn into a monster. i know that i have to learn to control that and find a happy medium. i am now faced with telling my kids about their grandfather and i will eventually have to tell them even worse news. i am very open and honest with my kids, with all topics. i guess i am dredding this situation even more because they are older and are able to understand more than at the time of my mom's death. i am so glad that you responded to my post. it really helps to hear what others say.............it sort of grounds me and makes me stop and regroup. i have been here for several years and i always find it helpful when i post. thanks again. heather

November 1, 2007

Heather, I think its wonderful that you are eductaing to become a bereavement counselor. It's something I have a soft spot for now too, although my work is in the mission field. Here I also find many opportunities to counsel the bereaved, as well as sharing on BI, which grows my heart in this area. It's not a coincidence that you are struggling in the area of bereavement with your father and law and family. It's a sign of growing. I have often thought counselors are a plenty that can go by the book, but to have deeply personal experience for growth is priceless. I believe in the areas we are called to minister or counsel, we are continually on a training ground. It is a bittersweet process, but we learn so much when we are on the frontlines of battle. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, and I wish for you strength and the right words of comfort as you approach in sharing with your children. It is not an envious task, but i am certain that you will know how to lead when the time comes. Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

November 21, 2007

I feel a whole range of emotions today , but mostly sadness and resentment - I only have one sibling and she was been estanged since the death of my parents. I sincerely believe that she feels guilty that she did not spend a great deal of time with my parents and she knows that I had a particularly close relationship with them. I have offered the olive branch and asked her and her family to join us for Christmas lunch - It was to be a lunch with both my parents and her family. She has emailed me that she wont be coming and that later she and her husband may see us somewhere else and have a chat. How sad that the lines have been drawn, I know that I have tried hard to make peace with no avail. I need peace from her and her bitter husband. I now feel that I have not only lost my parents but now my only sibling. at least I know where I stand. You may be thinking - but she is grieving also - I do accept that she may also be in deep pain, however, for now - I cannot find any acceptance of her actions in any positive light. She just adds to my grief. How do you deal with siblings who are like this?

November 21, 2007

Solemate, I have a somewhat estranged relationship with my only sibling as well, my brother. He was the one to call and tell me when my son died. And for the week he was with me during the memorial, I had his attention. But basically he is not much if a family guy and has not been close to me or my kids for some years now. It makes me really sad. Just the other day my surviving son asked if Uncle Steve was coming for the holidays and I answered that I wasn't sure, perhaps for Christmas. And he responded with telling me he doesn't really have a relationship with him anyway, so it doesn't matter so much. I felt very sad--not only for me, my son and others in my family who wish there was more depth to our relationship with Steve, but also for Steve, because at the end of his road he will have regrets where family relations are concerned, or so I imagine. I have learned to pray for him but have resigned to let go and not feel responsible, guilty, or anything else pertaining to Steve's choices. As long as I can look back on my life and say that I've done the best I could as I grew older and wiser, then I will have no regrets. I'll be sad for him, but I can't make my life about him and the way he chooses to be. It's hard sometimes, especially when I am faced with hard times or hearing my son or others express the void of relationship with him, but we can't force them to live the ideal. You know? I'm sorry your sister turned down the Christmas lunch invitation. I know that must hurt. I wish you much love and blessing, and I will be thinking of you as you face your firsts without your folks. HUGS, Claudia

November 21, 2007

Solemate - I know from reading your post that you simply can't accept your sisters actions in not coming for lunch - but please try to realize that she at least mentioned trying to meet some other time....it may mean that she remembers that the lunch was suppose to be with your parents as well and that she simply can't deal with them not being a part of the day. I do hope that she will truly reach out to meet with you on another day and if not, like Claudia says, you have done what you can to mend ways....and your parents will understand. May all who are on these boards have the ability to endure the holidays and may you all find some peace. Take care!

November 24, 2007

Thanks for the support 4 everyjoeysmum and mofirefly - I received some sad news today that a good friend's father passed away. I will be telling her about this board and the wonderful people that have the courage to post notes and give encouragement to all those who have suffered. Thanks to all and take care - Gayle:D

November 28, 2007

[user=0]Guest[/user] wrote:

I LOST MY BELOVED SON FEBRUARY 11, 2007 AND I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE WHO THINK I SHOULD GET OVER.I AM SO HURT AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING, HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE, GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES, IT WAS HIS TIME,ETC. HE WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED ON HIS JOB, WHEN THE KILLERS WERE TETALIATING AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT MY SON, SO MUCH. WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER, HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HIS MOTHER. I AM IN COUNSELING AND KNOW THAT GRIEF IS A PROCESS. THAT EVERYONE HAS TO GRIEVE IN THEIR OWN TIME. THERE IS NO SET TIME FRAME AND I WILL NOT PRETEND OR SHUT MY TEARS OFF TO PLEASE OTHERS.

My son was killed by a drunk driver on 10/20/07. I know how you feel. I never got to that real anger phase (yet, anything can happen in grief) Each person grieves differently. You have the right to do grieve any way you feel you need to. I have not been to counseling yet but I have an appointment next week. I don't know you but I admire you for taking the steps to get help and to grieve forward!

December 12, 2007

hello everyone. i need some advise. about 1 & 1/2 yrs ago my mother-in-law and i did not see eye to eye on a subject and i called her on it and i know she didn't like it. ever since that time we only talk when necessary and there is definately tension. so, here it is: SHE MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!! i have such a feeling of instant hate when it comes to her and the things she does. i really do not like to have that feeling, i just don't know what to do to help control it or somewhat change it. when i get that mad, i feel terrible inside and it effects others around me. here are some of the things that upset me that she does. i have 2 girls ages 5 and 7. she allows them to go to the bathroom by themselves in a restaurant. i do NOT agree with that. there are too many weird and bad people and i will not let my children be one of those statistics. i go with them to the bathroom. i told her this 3 times and her response is they know where the bathroom is and they'll come right back. another thing that makes me angry is her newspaper person was asked (by her) to place the paper in front of her front door instead of at the end of the driveway. now, she wants the paper carrier to place the paper one foot to the left instead of directly in front of the door so that she does not have to step one foot out of the house to get the paper....just her hand. that infuriates me. i know i should not care about that. i should and do care about the bathroom thing, i won't give that one up. she told me flat out that she wants to be treated like a queen. well this is not hollywood. we live in a small town in pa. nothing fancy but friendly and homey. i could just scream. this is just a small sample of what upsets me. i just don't know how to handle it as far as me not getting so upset. advise from you all would probably shed some light on this, however i would like to ask if you could refrain from suggesting that praying and church are the answer. i can not go that route. thanks again.

December 12, 2007

hello again, i'm sorry i forgot to put in the post that my father-in-law passed on nov 10, 2007. so i do understand that there is a large adjustment period. i am not beating up on my m-i-l because of this situation. it has gone on for 14 yrs and i just can't handle it anymore. this is just my breaking point. anger has always been a big issue for me and i thought that as i got older i was able to calm the anger.....and i think i did with some things but this one is a biggy and am just done.

December 13, 2007

them stupid cliche sayings and quotes...dont they just make you sick!!!!

December 15, 2007

Hmtod73 - Wow, and I thought maybe I was the only one who can't stand to be around my mother-in-law. I've had to deal with mine for almost 40 years and for most of that time I tried and tried and tried to figure out ways of getting along with her - guess what - there is no way. Sometimes two people just can't blend with each other - and that would be ok if it was someone you didn't have to see very often, but when you have to spend time with them on a regular basis because they are the mother of your husband - ugh!!!! My only recent solution is that whenever she and I are in the same place - I do not respond to anything she says or does - I try to look outside or think of other places - as it's the only way I can try to keep quiet (as past outbursts have not been good). I agree with you on the issue of your children going to the bathroom by themselves and my only thought is try your best to see that the girls have gone to the bathroom before they go anywhere with her. The newspaper issue is just absurd. But the anger you are feeling, tho it is a true and somewhat justified anger, isn't helping the situation either and as I've heard, being angry at someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to feel bad....anger mainly hurts the one who is angry. For me - taking a very deep breathe right before I know I'm going to be near this woman and reminding myself that she is the person who brought my husband into the world and also reminding myself that when I get upset - it only hurts me are what helps me deal with her...and after 40 years of trying to please this person - I have stopped - I no longer offer to help her or anything else as it has become quite apparent that she cannot be pleased and will never be happy. Boy, am I carrying on - sorry - but when I read you post, it's the first time I felt there was someone else out there who would admit to not being able to connect with someone you hoped you could connect with. I'll try to stop now. Take care!

December 16, 2007

mofirefly. thank you for responding. for 14 yrs i have tried to adjust and accept the way my MIL does things. i am at my breaking point. plus, something else that adds to the problem is that my husband and i do not get along well and are becoming futher and further apart as the yrs go by. he thinks and acts just like her. we seldom see eye to eye. so, my MIL lives 4 miles from us and we see her regularly. my husband, a mirror image of the MIL, lives under the same roof and i feel like i can't escape. i know that i have to find something to help me cope. you are right, the anger, hatred and resentment only hurt me. my mom has told me the same thing. and i do know that but at this time i seem to be stuck in a rut. thank you for listening and responding. sometimes getting it out helps too. i wish you peace. heather

January 15, 2008

Heather, I just wanted to respond to your MIL issue. Although I don't have a MIL, you're situation reminds me of many people I have to interact with. There are many times that I try to bite my tongue to prevent arguments but unfortunately I'm not good at it. I see that you try to do the most respectful thing by preventing an argument but it just hurts you in the long run. As for your MIL and her newspaper, wow, that is a direct result of so many people not challenging her that she feels she can tell anyone or expect everyone to do as she pleases. Honestly that shouldn't mean anything to you or me or anyone else (except the newspaper guy!).

But this probably bothers you because there are things that she does directly to you that get you mad. So anything she says or does to anyone will get under your skin.

Once you have a better understanding of her ways, you will be able to deal with her.

BUT there is one thing that needs to be addressed. YOUR CHILDREN. You are the Mom and you have rules. They need to be honored. Regardless of who she is, she needs to respect your wishes. You can get that across to her in a very polite way. You may not have a problem telling her as much as you think. You just may be a little afraid to take her on because you see how she is to other people. You need to build more confidence in yourself to just tell her, ("MIL" I know that you may not see this as a big deal but I prefer that the children do not go to the bathroom unattended). Regardless of what she says to you, just hold your ground, these are your wishes and she needs to respect that.

Heather if you don't stand up and demand your respect that you deserve, it will get worse. And most of all you want to do this while your calm and not in an argument with her.

Martin Luther King said......

"Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' Vanity asks the question, 'Is it popular?' But, conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because one's conscience tells one that it is right."

Good Luck to you

Joe

March 1, 2008

It's been a little over a month since my brother of 29 years passed away. I have mixed emotions about it all the time and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I'll just be angry, get quiet, or breakdown; but anger is my dominant emotion. He had been hanging out with the wrong crowd since his early teen years and got involved in drugs and alcohol. Overtime, he was able to let go of the drugs, but not the alcohol. There isn't a memory in my early childhood that i have of him being sober. Omar was 12 years older than me, but i was the one always taking care of him. Whenever he was drunk and passed out, my mother would sometimes have me keep an eye on him and put my finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing in case he choked on his vomit. When he would get fired from a job for being drunk, my parents and I would go pick him up, and I remember helping to carry him into the car, because he would be unconscious on the parking lot ground. Then when he got his wife got pregnant 7 years ago, I would be the one watching over their son, Sean, because his wife would be working, and he wouldn't be sober enough to do it or was passed out again. It got to the point where his son was calling me "mama", because I was with him so much he thought I was his mother. My parents were either working or trying to keep things hushed up, but they've been like that since the beginning, so I just kept quiet. I was never close to them, but extremely close to Omar which is why I put up everything until 3 years ago when I was 14 years old. That was when I told him that I couldn't keep going on like that and couldn't have a healthy relationship with him until he cleaned up his act. His response was, "You'll see when I'm dead". Well, he's dead now, and I'm still trying to figure out what I was supposed to "see" from it. If somebody understands, please say something. I feel so lost.

March 2, 2008

AlwaysConfused, I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. What you are feeling are all part of grief feelings that we all go through, no mater how we lost our loved one--the what if's, the guilt, the wondering what it is we didn't do to help prevent the death, and so on. Your brother had an illness, alcoholism. It overtook his ability to be rational, to think clearly, or to make sound choices, among other things. It appears that you sacrificed so much of your own life and the good things you could or should have experienced in growing up because you were always taking care of him. You did everything and more than a good, strong sister could or should. DO NOT feel guilty or beat yourself up in thinking any of this is your responsibility, your fault, your shame, yours to own, etc. Your brother was who he was, and he could have done a lot that he didn't do, and he did a lot that he shouldn't have done. That is not your fault, nor could you have changed it. His addiction gripped him far too tightly. As much as we want to rescue our loved ones in trouble, it must matter to them first to get well. Nohting we say or do will matter to them if they don't matter enough to themselves. I don't believe there is anything to "SEE" by losing your brother other than perhaps alcoholism is a terrible disease, a thief and a murderer. Perhaps finding a place in advocating against alcoholism, teaching young people about the dangers, or something along those lines can help you to seek and find the difference that you tried so hard to make in your brother's life. No matter what you do in life as you journey forward through your loss and grief, I pray that you can know and understand that nowhere no how was any of this your fault. Bless you, Claudia (Joey's Mom)

March 2, 2008

AlwaysandConfused,

I will always be your shoulder to lean on!

Love you

Steph

March 2, 2008

AlwaysandConfused,

I will always be your shoulder to lean on!

Love you

Steph

March 2, 2008

AlwaysandConfused,

I will always be your shoulder to lean on!

Love you

Steph

March 2, 2008

Thanks for responding Claudia, it's nice to know someone understands or takes an interest. It's still hard to accept that he's gone, because even though he caused my family a whole lot of pain, I wouldn't mind going through it a little longer again if it meant that it was possible to have found a solution to his problems, but I know it probably wouldn't have done much good. I feel like this is a dream, and I'm waiting to wake up, because I don't completely believe it yet. My problem is that I never liked to talk about personal problems or other issues going on at home, and I just got used to bottling it all up inside. That was my way of coping with everything, or just pretending that if I looked away things would get better when I looked back. I was naive and stupid, but I know how things work now. It's so hard for me to sleep these days and to be perfectly honest I haven't slept 2 hours straight since he died. I'm falling behind in my classes, but I try to keep up, and I get terribly drowzy throughout the day. I feel like I'm falling to pieces, and even though I know I shouldn't feel guilty I'm not totally sure that's the only cause of all this. The truth is, aside from the loss of my brother, it seemed to set other things back into motion, like a catalyst. I've never had any kind of relaitonship with my mother, except for when we were fighting over any little thing and more recently over my brother. Since I was a little girl, she always spoke coldly to me, and would make me feel nferior, so I always kind of had a complex. As I got older, she got worse and would say things like, "You're the reason I'm going to die!" when I would suggest ways to help my brother like rehab for his alcoholism. I guess I was and still am like her outlet, because she couldn't release her anger to anyone else. Her and my father were close to splittng up many times, but I think the only reason my father stayed was because of me (at least that's what my older sister told me). While my brother was around, all the attention was kind of shifted off those areas and put on him, so they were also kind of put to the side for later. Now that he's gone, they're still here and that much more visible. My mother is the one who is in the worst condition now, and I understand that she lost her son, but I also think, she isn't ready to face the other problems that lied dormant while my brother was here to keep her distracted. I know she finds her life unsatisfying with my father and just in general. They don't love each other and both told me so on separate occasions, so it's no secret, and I knew that since i was still in grammar school without them ever having to say anything to me. I'll be graduating this year and hopefully college will help me get a fresh start on life, because I'm tired of pretending to be fine and putting on a show for the world to see, I just want to get out of this house for starters (soon I hope) and be on my own for a while. I want to live a "normal" life for once, and I want to know what being happy feels like. (Michelle)

March 3, 2008

Hi Michelle,

I feel for you so much. I can relate to how you feeland what you must be going through emotionally, because I too had a very tumultuous (sp?) relationship with my folks as I was growing up. There were all kinds of issues that factored in, but th ebottom line was we were so dysfunctional as a unit, I couldn't wait to get out. I moved out, married and had 2 kids before I was 20 years old. I crashed, hit rock bottom emotionally between 25 and 30 years old. I thought getting out would solve all of my problems, but reality told me I couldn't run away from the backlash of issues--only pacify them temporarily with various distractions. I should have sought counseling, but it was not as widely acceptable as it is these days. That was 20-something years ago for me. Have you thought about looking for a counselor to help you sort through your emotions and challenges? You have so much going on--loss of your brother, school, issues with your folks, and so on. It's no wonder that you feel like you are falling apart. From experience I do truly care and caution you of the dangers of "stuffing" the feelings and hoping they will all go away if you could just move out. There is a lot of stuff that sticks to us when we don;t work through our issues. For me, I learned so much the very hard way and I suffered for years and years as a result. I am not an expert by any stretch, but I have learned a lot along the way. I have dedicated my life to ministering and counseling through full service missionary efforts in another country from where I was raised. I am not near my family, although I miss them tremendously and we are much, much closer than we were when I was younger. I lost a son a year and a half ago at his young age of almost-24. I value life and treasure opportunities to identify with people and share that there is and always will be HOPE. Don't ever give up that you can feel "normal"--however we define normal. It's kind of difficult to even figure out what normal is these days, isn't it? It seems like everyone marches to a different beat anymore. But my point in all of this is to say that there is hope that you will get through all of this, and it's important not to sweep it all away in an effort to think it won;t come back. Address your needs and seek counsel if you can. Your school may offer some insight or a good lead if you are unsure where to begin. I am very sorry your folks are not giving you support or fulfillment to help you get throughthis difficult and tragic loss in your life. No matter what, it is NOT your fault. If that's you in the photo, you are a beautiful young woman. Hang on tight, because grieving the loss of someone so very close to you is a bumpy ride. But you can and will make it through...yes? BIG HUGS, Claudia

March 3, 2008

Hi Claudia, I'm glad that you can understand a lot of the things I'm going through, because it's hard for me to ever want to even bring it up to others since I don't like the idea of making them uncomfortable for not knowing what to say or do. I want to thank you for all your kind words and advice and tell you that I actually am going to start seeing a psychiatrist soon. I've mentioned some of my problems like not being able to sleep since my brother passed away to my sister, so she started making some calls and is looking for a specialist that could help me. One of my best friends, Stephanie, is actually the one who recommended this site to me, and I'm glad that she did, because I probably would have never gotten the chance to speak with you, and now I'm glad that I joined up. I have been trying to run from my problems for the longest time, and they are definately catching up to me these days, so I know it's time to confront them or risk things getting worse. I don't expect things to improve overnight, that only happens in fairytales, but I hope that they will get better one day. I'm sorry for your loss as well, I can't imagine what you must be going through, but if it helps, you definately made me feel so much better tonight. I wish my mother could have spoken to me the way you do just once so that I could remember feeling a little bit of love from her. I'm sending you huge hugs and kisses, and thank you again for your kindness. (I suppose there are people out there worth meeting or getting to know.)

March 4, 2008

Michelle and Steph,

Sending you both BIG HUGS. I have a couple of super hectic days here, but will very soon give you each a PM and keep the contact going. I enjoy posting with you both, and do want to share so much more. Until then please know I am thinking of you both, and I am praying for you as well. Love, Claudia

March 10, 2008

Stephy, I got your PM, but I have been running in and out so much the past week (with a visitor here from the States) so I have been unable to spend any significant time online. I feel bad that I couldn't sit and write, and I know you were feeling quite desperate when you posted the PM. Several days have passed since then. What's going on? Can you elaborate here or PM me with nore details. I promise I'll wrote back. I'm checking several times a day again now. HUGS, Claudia

Michelle, How is the week starting out for you?

March 10, 2008

Hi Claudia, the week hasn't started off too great, but thanks for your caring and concern. Tomorrow, after my psychiatrist appointment, my sister is going to take me to get a job application, so I can start working as soon as possible. The problem is that my parents are in a lot of debt right now and don't make a lot of money as it is, but the costs of the funeral and my mother's current lack of motivation is making things harder on my father. He is a custodian and my mother is an LNR nurse, but she has been out of work for a while because of eye surgery, and the only reason she is out of work now is because of her depression. My father has tried talking to her about going out to find a job, but she verbally attacks him thinking that he's only concerned about the money and over the death of his son, but that is so far from the truth. My father has been paying the bills with credit card checks which have about 20-30% interest on them, so they owe so much money now. All my mother does is cry, says nobody loves her, and that she doesn't want to live anymore. It pisses me off so much, because she acts like she doesn't have any other children or family members to think about. I think she's being very selfish, and expects that we all should be locked up at home crying our brains out every night like she does. The truth is I want to start living and I'm sure everyone else does to, I'm not saying that we will forget my brother, because that could never happen even if we wanted it to, but we all have to be strong and try to get passed it. She refuses to do that. So when I get a job, I'm going to start giving my paychecks to my father to try to help him out financially although it won't be much, because how much could a 17 year old possibly earn that would make a big difference? And since my mother won't do anything to help and doesn't seem to care, I'm going to have to take her place and help out with the money problems. To stray off the topic, I honestly don't think I love my mother...I don't hate her, I just don't love her, and I have felt that way for years. I wish I could have at least had some truly happy childhood memories that could cheer me up, even if it were only for a few minutes, but I'm used to things being rough, and I'll just manage like I always do. I know that I don't have the worst life, but that still doesn't make me feel any better about the way it's been going for 17 years. It's not fair, but maybe I'm thinking immaturely about all this...I don't know anymore. HELP!!!!

March 11, 2008

Michelle, You pose many interesting points from the perspective of a surviving sibling and the issues you face, not only with your own grieving, but with your parents' way of grief as well. The things you have described about your mother, the way she is and isn't responding, these things have been discussed over and over again among women in the forums I attend often, Loss of a Child. Many, if not all of the women I have encountered in these threads have struggled with severe grief to the point of debilitating depression, inability to function and feel motivated, overwhelming thoughts of the lost child that cloud the ability to feel and think abiut the surviving child, inability to face the public or go back to work, inability to feel anything outside of the inner pain, fear, anxiety, moodiness, inability to relate to a spouse, loneliness, and the list goes on and on and on. I suffered from many of these things as well for a time. Truthfully the only thing that pulled me out of it and began my healing process was my faith. I am Christian.

I have a 24 year old surviving son. He is very wise, and he and I have had some really good discussions in the past year and a half. I know he grieves the loss of his brother as well. But he, like you, is young and was ready to continue his own living much sooner than I was prepared to do so. I think it is commonplace with younger folks to "bounce back' into living, so to speak, more rapidly. I don't mean all young people, though. There are some that deeply grieve for a very long time. But I have also seen many young people move forward healthily despite their hurt and loss. It would be an interesting study--older versus young grief. Anyway, I can definitely respect your perspective and how this is affecting you. Your father sounds like a "take charge" kind of guy, and he seems to be doing all that is necessary to hold the family and finances in order. But I will say that the situation with your mother is not unique to your family. I feel very deep compassion for what she is going through emotionally. It is torture at best and despairing at worst. I think losing a child is horrendous for a mother. It's horrible for a father as well. But the child began it's life inside his mother. She literally carried him close to her heart for months before birth. She felt every move and measured his growth inside of her. After he was born she nursed and nurtured him. She made sure he was safe and she watched him as he played and slept. She adopted dreams for her child, and she lived out every fantasy and dream that child ever had, hoping and praying for the best of everything for that child. In the case of your brother, he had a severe addiction. I can almost say with certainty that your mother carries a lot of guilt and despair, thinking secretly that she should have done something or could have to prevent what happened. There are so many minute factors that come together into one huge overwhelming torrent of grief. In addition it has not been very long since your brother passed away. She will have deep mourning for a significant time. Every mother who has lost goes through that. I speak to mothers who have lost children that after a year or more they are unable to go back to work. Some change jobs and career paths after they wake from their grieving slumber, because they cannot go back to where they were for various emotional and physical reasons. Many women cannot face the public eye and the thoughts of having to break down and be vegetables when others expect conversation and functionality. Many women feel isolated and alone, like they are the only ones experiencing such deep pain, because other family members seem to be getting on and doing better, are stronger in their recovery. In some strange way, many mothers feel that if they can hold onto their suffering, they can hold on longer to their child who has gone. In some ways many mothers feel guilt if they move forward, like if they stop grieving, they will not be honoring that child. For most mothers who have lost children life becomes meaningless and more complex, even though they have surviving children. It is a deception, like a shroud or blindfold that covers the eyes and heart of the grieving mother. She probably has very little control over her emotions and her pain. All of this, believe it or not, is the normal cycle of grief. True, some women bounce back quicker. But some women grieve for many years. Counseling is a good option. Support groups may be good. Finding her way to post here on BI in the Loss of a Child may help her to identify with other women who have gone through or are going through all of what she is experiencing. It's difficult for me to pose the request to try and not be so hard on your mom, because this obviously is affecting you in a very powerful and crushing way. It affects your spirit and your feelings of worth to your mother. You are seeing your dad and your whole family suffer as a result. Grief like this is a monster, a destructive one. My marriage struggled for a time through my grief and loss, because I felt like my husband could not grieve with me or understand my need to grieve in my way. It made me feel isolated and like my marriage was not strong or valuable anymore. It was horrible. I don't mean to sound as if I am taking the side of your mom. That is not my intent here. I merely want to describe and explain that what she is going through is crippling and it is common among mothers who lose a child. Unfortunately it affects the whole household, and especially the surviving children when the mother is in a fog of crippling grief. It sounds like she cannot even begin to sort out her emotions and feelings at this point, and it is a terrible place to be. I remember it very well myself.

I do hope that you feel good about whatever it is that you find yourself doing to contribute to the finances and well-being of the family. I'm sure there are moments of resentment for feeling forced to "step in" to your mom's place of providing supplemental income. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same if I were you. I am really sorry to read your words about not being certain you love your mother. I'm sure there are many feelings that come with the turbulant years that have made your more emotionally distant as the years have passed, and this recent family tragedy is like the straw that broke the camel's back. You've had enough! Honestly, if my surviving son would have told me there was a time he did not love me, I think I would have thrown in the towel on living. I cannot even imagine the horrible pain if I died and he was left with those as his last feelings toward me--how awful that would be for him. I can only imagine the hurt and confusion inside of you to make you feel so extreme. I ache for you and wish I could give you a HUGE HUG right now. You are in the midst of a terrible battle with your self, and also with your family connection. It is all in the name of grief right now, and that makes it so difficult and seemingly impossible to conquer. I wish I had some anecdote to give you that would assure you of peace to come. Time generally is needed for clouds to take on different shapes. Your mom's cloud cover is thick right now, and there is no differentiation between clouds, thus no new shapes can be revealed in the moment. She could use some strong support and help, but it sounds like she is isolating herself more, which also is alienating the family..... and you.

My Dear Michelle, do keep writing here and expressing yourself if you find that it helps some. There is no magic cure for the turmoil inside of you or that within your mom and family/home life. If your family has faith, hold onto it and work through it "together" as much as possible. Maybe as you learn and grow more through the trials of this terrible family tragedy, you will be awakened to new feelings, perhaps some insights you've never had before, and even healing along the way. Just because your mom is stuck where she is does not mean you have to be emotionally crippled by it as well. It presents a huge challenge for you, no doubt--one I cannot admire. But the way you come through the challenge will mark your integrity for a lifetime. Who knows? Maybe you will become one of the great philosophers or psychologists of the century as a result. I don't mean that to sound "nutty" or cliche. It's just that each one of us comes to a crossroads in life where we have to decide in which direction we will travel. You are being forced to grow up faster than is comfortable, and that truly is a shame. BUT it is what it is, and it sounds like you have little to no control over that as well. So you have to find a way to manage through it and choose your own path to wellness and well-being. Just know that having a support system for encouragement is very important, and you have begun one here. As you journey forward, I pray for you that more and more people will cross your path along your journey to be the help, the support, and the friends and "family" you need to grow forward and healthy, in love, strength, compassion and healing. I am praying for you...

Love & Hugs, Claudia

March 11, 2008

Hi Claudia,

You don't have to apologize for not answering right away I understand. I am deseperate, and tired of pretending...putting on this front for the whole world to see where deep down im sad very very sad. I miss my mom so much. Everyone thinks i should just be able to move on and forget that she died but thats so hard to do when you need her to get through your life. i know eventually i'll be fine and successful but i know it will be one heck of a struggle. its so tough, the undergoing pain i feel when someone is even talking to their mom.. because it hurts, i wish that i could talk to her one more just once. i wish people would just understand that im hurting and not judge they dont know the pain we feel from losing a loved one. its a terrible feeling, that i tend to feel everyday. Even when im laughing and having fun im still hurting. Its so tough to hear "hey mom" i love you mom" when my friends are talking to their moms i love her and cant even say it.. its just not fair. I miss being able to wrap my arms around her and tellingher that i loved her so much. She told me that would kick cancers butt and she did for a long time but not loong enough

why does life have to be like this? im just trying so hard to be happy, and people know i try i try to get through my everyday and im doing fine i really am however deep down its all a show. im not serverly depressed at all but I'm not exactly happy either or even okay. I have a counseling appt tomorrow ive been going for about 2 years now and i love it so much so maybee that will help a little, but i feel horrible

Hope you are ok. im glad your here for me and michelle! thanks!

Steph <333333333333

March 12, 2008

Hey Steph, I hope your appointment today with your counselor went well. I wish I had good answers for you. It's a tragedy that you should live with so much hidden sadness and that you cannot reach out to your mom in a tangible way. It intensifies your need so much, I'm sure. I think when you are with friends who are expressing love to their moms. you should just look to the heavens and say out loud, "I LOVE YOU TOO, MOM!" Who cares if people think you're not moving forward fast enough. This is YOUR loss and pain, and just because they can't feel it doesn't mean it's not there. You could simply say just that in response to anyone who suggests you should just get over it. This is something that will affect you for the rest of your lifetime. You're right that in time you may not feel so deeply grieved 100% of the time, but you will always miss your mom. For that I am so very sad for you as well, and I wish there was anything I could say or do to make it better. My heart aches for you, dear Steph. I do hope your session today was uplifting... keep writing... Love, Claudia

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