What now? What do I do?

[racheldwyer]

On October 1st my Fiance committed suicide. I have a lot of mixed emotions- confusion, sadness, pain, anger, guilt, helplessness, etc. I honestly don't know what to do. You know when you have found the right person in life. That other half. That person that can finish your sentences and knows exactly what your thinking and can make you feel happy when your sad. He always lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face. He seemed so happy. I never knew him to be unhappy. I never knew the thought of finishing his life had ever crossed his mind. We had so much happening for us. A lovely house, three wonderfull dogs, a steady income, loving families and so very much love for eachother.

But he took it all away from me. Never gave me a chance to help him. Maybe he did and I just didn't see it? But I run through everything in my head over and over again and I just cant understand. I honestly didn't see it. We had a plan...so many promises....so many trips to take and things to see....marriage...kids...just life in general and now i feel so lost.

He said he was feeling sick in the morning. I told him not to go to work if he didn't feel well and to call me when he woke up. He did...he called me at 8:00 a.m. and everything sounded fine but he said he had a sore throat and would probably not go to work. I told him I would bring him soup for his throat on my lunch break. 3 minutes later I got a text message. It said he was too tired and that he loved me and this wasn't my fault but he was too tired. He said I would find him in the car in the garage...for me not to come just call 911. I tried to make it. I called him immediately...no answer...jumped in my truck and drove as fast as i could while calling 911. I didn't know he had a firearm. I thought I could make it there on time and save him. But i was too late....I was too late. I tried to stop the bleeding. I was the first person on the scene....for five minutes at least i held my shirt against his wound to stop the bleeding. I kept screaming for him to wake up....but he was gone...everything i feel is gone. I dont know what to do. I am seeing a therapist but i still feel so lost and confused.

There is a part of me that is angry. How could he do this to me ? And his family? Was life so bad? Was I bad? Why??? It hurts...Everyday it hurts. LIke a knife through the heart. My everything is gone. I never met anyone like him and I never will.

Please help? what do i do now? Where do I go from here?

[ModKonnie]

On October 1st my Fiance committed suicide. I have a lot of mixed emotions- confusion, sadness, pain, anger, guilt, helplessness, etc. I honestly don't know what to do. You know when you have found the right person in life. That other half. That person that can finish your sentences and knows exactly what your thinking and can make you feel happy when your sad. He always lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face. He seemed so happy. I never knew him to be unhappy. I never knew the thought of finishing his life had ever crossed his mind. We had so much happening for us. A lovely house, three wonderfull dogs, a steady income, loving families and so very much love for eachother.

But he took it all away from me. Never gave me a chance to help him. Maybe he did and I just didn't see it? But I run through everything in my head over and over again and I just cant understand. I honestly didn't see it. We had a plan...so many promises....so many trips to take and things to see....marriage...kids...just life in general and now i feel so lost.

He said he was feeling sick in the morning. I told him not to go to work if he didn't feel well and to call me when he woke up. He did...he called me at 8:00 a.m. and everything sounded fine but he said he had a sore throat and would probably not go to work. I told him I would bring him soup for his throat on my lunch break. 3 minutes later I got a text message. It said he was too tired and that he loved me and this wasn't my fault but he was too tired. He said I would find him in the car in the garage...for me not to come just call 911. I tried to make it. I called him immediately...no answer...jumped in my truck and drove as fast as i could while calling 911. I didn't know he had a firearm. I thought I could make it there on time and save him. But i was too late....I was too late. I tried to stop the bleeding. I was the first person on the scene....for five minutes at least i held my shirt against his wound to stop the bleeding. I kept screaming for him to wake up....but he was gone...everything i feel is gone. I dont know what to do. I am seeing a therapist but i still feel so lost and confused.

There is a part of me that is angry. How could he do this to me ? And his family? Was life so bad? Was I bad? Why??? It hurts...Everyday it hurts. LIke a knife through the heart. My everything is gone. I never met anyone like him and I never will.

Please help? what do i do now? Where do I go from here?

Myalain,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your fiance. Suicide is so hard to understand and deal with on top of simply grieving. Of course you are angry, sick, heartbroken, stunned, shocked, horrified and you keep trying to figure it all out. Many people who commit suicide offer no warning and their loved ones left behind have no clue they would even consider it. Please do your best not to beat yourself up over why.

Instead, the very best you can do is to grieve and mourn and then in time start to rebuild your life. At this point, your grieving is so fresh and raw, you may be only able to get through each day by not thinking about the next day. That's okay, too.

Do you have a family? Does he? Are you talking to them? Do you have friends you can talk too? Don't be afraid to talk about your love together. I am sure people don't know how to react or what to say. They may be waiting for your lead in how to treat you or how to act.

Please feel free to come here and share the story of your love. Post a picture if you'd like. We will be here to support you.

ModKonnie

[jrb50]

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. and i cannot say that i understand or i know how you feel, because i dont. my husband died in a harley wreck instantly. we were married only 8 months. But, i can say this.. you have all my sympathies. I can read the words you wrote, and only imagine the pain you must be bearing. Just know that i will pray for you, for strength.. and peace.. just try to remember your life together, and not ask too many questions. Why is a question that we all ask... but most of us will never know. Dont let it consume you.. fight every day.. breathe in and out every day.. do whatever you need, and remember that all of us here are part of a club that NO ONE wants to be in,.. so if i can help you in any way.. pls let me know.

Debra (joes girl)

On October 1st my Fiance committed suicide. I have a lot of mixed emotions- confusion, sadness, pain, anger, guilt, helplessness, etc. I honestly don't know what to do. You know when you have found the right person in life. That other half. That person that can finish your sentences and knows exactly what your thinking and can make you feel happy when your sad. He always lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face. He seemed so happy. I never knew him to be unhappy. I never knew the thought of finishing his life had ever crossed his mind. We had so much happening for us. A lovely house, three wonderfull dogs, a steady income, loving families and so very much love for eachother.

But he took it all away from me. Never gave me a chance to help him. Maybe he did and I just didn't see it? But I run through everything in my head over and over again and I just cant understand. I honestly didn't see it. We had a plan...so many promises....so many trips to take and things to see....marriage...kids...just life in general and now i feel so lost.

He said he was feeling sick in the morning. I told him not to go to work if he didn't feel well and to call me when he woke up. He did...he called me at 8:00 a.m. and everything sounded fine but he said he had a sore throat and would probably not go to work. I told him I would bring him soup for his throat on my lunch break. 3 minutes later I got a text message. It said he was too tired and that he loved me and this wasn't my fault but he was too tired. He said I would find him in the car in the garage...for me not to come just call 911. I tried to make it. I called him immediately...no answer...jumped in my truck and drove as fast as i could while calling 911. I didn't know he had a firearm. I thought I could make it there on time and save him. But i was too late....I was too late. I tried to stop the bleeding. I was the first person on the scene....for five minutes at least i held my shirt against his wound to stop the bleeding. I kept screaming for him to wake up....but he was gone...everything i feel is gone. I dont know what to do. I am seeing a therapist but i still feel so lost and confused.

There is a part of me that is angry. How could he do this to me ? And his family? Was life so bad? Was I bad? Why??? It hurts...Everyday it hurts. LIke a knife through the heart. My everything is gone. I never met anyone like him and I never will.

Please help? what do i do now? Where do I go from here?