I failed to call emergency on time, I failed my mother

[claudettechavez]

It's only been 4 weeks and i have times of great denial. I have a family, 3 children, a husband and a company to run. I am reserved am very good at stuffing the pain i feel. My mother was told she had lung cancer about 8 months ago and at age 67 was told she had 6-9 months to live. I knew she was going thru radiation but 3 days before she passed her blood pressure was very high and dr told my dad he should take her to emergency but he didnt and i stayed with her for 9 hours and never stood up and demanded we take her. I didnt want to step on my dads toes. After all he had been the one who had been caring for her for months. I feel a guilt that i cannot explain. I even told a pastor friend of mine that i could of been the one who helped extend her life. She was in pain and was so medicated that she couldnt speak for herself. She was walking and talking and out and about just days before her death. I feel responsible for not saying anything. Is there anyone that this happened to? I miss her so much. I cant breathe when i take the time to think about her. I was so busy at the funeral worrying about whether the singer was going to be liked by my dad and if the grand kids were ok that i never fully grieved. I still haven't but in know enough that i must and i need others to help me work thru this. Anyone up for the call?

[SadRN]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. I wish that I had the "fix" for the terrible pain we go through when we lose a parent, but I don't. I will say this...you loved your mother dearly and did what was best for her and your father. Could you have extended her life a few more hours/days/weeks? Who knows. No one knows this. As a nurse and nurse practitioner I see people all of the time with terrible diseases, and the physicians will say "you have 6 months to live" or some number, and the patient lives 2 weeks or 4 years. Typically people do not die because of high blood pressure. YOU did not cause your mother to die. I do not know the specifics of her cancer, but more than likely she would have died at some point. And she would have suffered and you would have hated to see that. It would have hurt her and your father even more. My father died 6 months ago and at first I was in your shoes- doing the "work" that has to be done when someone dies. Estate stuff, taking care of my son, taking care of my mother, funeral planning, thank you notes. And later it hit me like a ton of bricks. It took a while for me to really start processing what had happened. And I, too, went over and over again in my head what I could have done differently. And although I am not over it yet, per se, I do feel I have a little more perspective now looking back that his cancer was everywhere and he was going to die no matter what we did or did not do. It's tough. Really tough. We were close. With the hundreds of patients I have worked with over the past 11 years, what I hear repeatedly is that they do not want to be in pain for extended amounts of time and they do not want to suffer or cause their loved ones burden. You were there with your mother and father, you loved her, and you are a good daughter. Keep posting, it really does help. And I wish you peace during this very difficult time.

It's only been 4 weeks and i have times of great denial. I have a family, 3 children, a husband and a company to run. I am reserved am very good at stuffing the pain i feel. My mother was told she had lung cancer about 8 months ago and at age 67 was told she had 6-9 months to live. I knew she was going thru radiation but 3 days before she passed her blood pressure was very high and dr told my dad he should take her to emergency but he didnt and i stayed with her for 9 hours and never stood up and demanded we take her. I didnt want to step on my dads toes. After all he had been the one who had been caring for her for months. I feel a guilt that i cannot explain. I even told a pastor friend of mine that i could of been the one who helped extend her life. She was in pain and was so medicated that she couldnt speak for herself. She was walking and talking and out and about just days before her death. I feel responsible for not saying anything. Is there anyone that this happened to? I miss her so much. I cant breathe when i take the time to think about her. I was so busy at the funeral worrying about whether the singer was going to be liked by my dad and if the grand kids were ok that i never fully grieved. I still haven't but in know enough that i must and i need others to help me work thru this. Anyone up for the call?

[ModKonnie]

It's only been 4 weeks and i have times of great denial. I have a family, 3 children, a husband and a company to run. I am reserved am very good at stuffing the pain i feel. My mother was told she had lung cancer about 8 months ago and at age 67 was told she had 6-9 months to live. I knew she was going thru radiation but 3 days before she passed her blood pressure was very high and dr told my dad he should take her to emergency but he didnt and i stayed with her for 9 hours and never stood up and demanded we take her. I didnt want to step on my dads toes. After all he had been the one who had been caring for her for months. I feel a guilt that i cannot explain. I even told a pastor friend of mine that i could of been the one who helped extend her life. She was in pain and was so medicated that she couldnt speak for herself. She was walking and talking and out and about just days before her death. I feel responsible for not saying anything. Is there anyone that this happened to? I miss her so much. I cant breathe when i take the time to think about her. I was so busy at the funeral worrying about whether the singer was going to be liked by my dad and if the grand kids were ok that i never fully grieved. I still haven't but in know enough that i must and i need others to help me work thru this. Anyone up for the call?

Lynn,

Many people experience guilt over the death of their loved one. "What if I had done this...." or "If only I had done ....." or "I should have said ...." But the reality is that there are many levels to this situation. Perhaps your mom had talked to your dad about what to do if something happened. Perhaps God decided he didn't want her to suffer any longer and this was her time to go; or perhaps she would have gone to the hospital and she still didn't make it? There are some things that are out of our control, and we learn to accept them as they are. You sound like such a good daughter, and of course you miss your mom.

It is okay to grieve right now. Go somewhere comfy and quiet, have a talk with your mother, and let yourself cry and mourn. Tell her you feel guilty over it all; and I think if she were here, she'd comfort you and tell you that nothing was your fault because you were the best she could ever hope for.

ModKonnie

[kali shey]

Lynn,

Many people experience guilt over the death of their loved one. "What if I had done this...." or "If only I had done ....." or "I should have said ...." But the reality is that there are many levels to this situation. Perhaps your mom had talked to your dad about what to do if something happened. Perhaps God decided he didn't want her to suffer any longer and this was her time to go; or perhaps she would have gone to the hospital and she still didn't make it? There are some things that are out of our control, and we learn to accept them as they are. You sound like such a good daughter, and of course you miss your mom.

It is okay to grieve right now. Go somewhere comfy and quiet, have a talk with your mother, and let yourself cry and mourn. Tell her you feel guilty over it all; and I think if she were here, she'd comfort you and tell you that nothing was your fault because you were the best she could ever hope for.

ModKonnie

I experienced this, too, but in a very different way. My Dad was killed in a car accident on his way home from my house. That particular day, I walked to the car with him to sit and talk and play with his dog that he brought with him everywhere. I never did that - I never walked him to the car or sat with him, but that day I did and if I hadn't he probably would not have been in the wrong place at the wrong time that day to be struck by that other vehicle. I agonized over that.. why that day? I hated myself for it, for the longest time.

I did talk to him on the phone, after he'd left, before the accident. He'd forgotten some tax paperwork I'd meant to give him because he was taking it to his accountant to see if she could give me some advice. He said he'd come get it in a few days, we said 'love you' and hung up. I was the last person to talk to him, and I never spoke to him again after that conversation. With the time line, it was probably only 10-15 minutes before the accident. I hated myself for not warning him (of something I couldn't possibly have known would happen)... I hated myself for not asking him to stay longer or getting him to leave sooner, so he wouldn't be in the path of that truck... I agonized over minutes here, wishing we had argued about something or that I'd shown him something on the computer that I was working on that would have delayed him. Then, I met the man who was in the car behind him that day (who probably would have been killed had my father not been there).

It was weeks after the accident. He wanted to pay his respects. He was from the same small town where my parents lived. He was younger, in his 30's, with two small children. He was visibly shaken and upset when he spoke about it. He was the first one to call emergency services. He said he had gone over to my Dad's van... he was the first one to realize he was dead. As I watched this man cry over my father, a man he never knew, as he reassured us that he had not suffered, I began to imagine what his family would be feeling now if it had been this man instead, their son or husband, their father instead of mine. I realized that it was better this way, my Dad was 62, he had grown children, he had lived a full life and we had many wonderful years with him. I would not have been able to say the same for this man's children, they were so young. I let go of that guilt then, thanked him for his time and his compassion and wished his family well. I knew that my Dad would have wanted it this way, to be him instead of this young man and his family.

[sadbeyondwords]

It's only been 4 weeks and i have times of great denial. I have a family, 3 children, a husband and a company to run. I am reserved am very good at stuffing the pain i feel. My mother was told she had lung cancer about 8 months ago and at age 67 was told she had 6-9 months to live. I knew she was going thru radiation but 3 days before she passed her blood pressure was very high and dr told my dad he should take her to emergency but he didnt and i stayed with her for 9 hours and never stood up and demanded we take her. I didnt want to step on my dads toes. After all he had been the one who had been caring for her for months. I feel a guilt that i cannot explain. I even told a pastor friend of mine that i could of been the one who helped extend her life. She was in pain and was so medicated that she couldnt speak for herself. She was walking and talking and out and about just days before her death. I feel responsible for not saying anything. Is there anyone that this happened to? I miss her so much. I cant breathe when i take the time to think about her. I was so busy at the funeral worrying about whether the singer was going to be liked by my dad and if the grand kids were ok that i never fully grieved. I still haven't but in know enough that i must and i need others to help me work thru this. Anyone up for the call?

I understand your concerns. But you did the right thing. Your father had a reason not to bring her. I can tell you that bringing someone to the hospital is no picnic. they would be poking and prodding her, causing more pain and discomfort and likely to no avail. Just suffering on her part in a lousy hospital. It is horrible watching someone die in the hospital. I watched this in my dad and mom. it is horrific. I wished that things had been different. that they didnt make my dad and mom suffer more with interventions that were completely worthless and these idiot doctors make a lot of mistakes. you did the right thing. she was at home and as in peace. this is the right way to go, not in a cold horribe hospital surrounded by uncaring doctors.

[claudettechavez]

thank you for your reply:)

I understand your concerns. But you did the right thing. Your father had a reason not to bring her. I can tell you that bringing someone to the hospital is no picnic. they would be poking and prodding her, causing more pain and discomfort and likely to no avail. Just suffering on her part in a lousy hospital. It is horrible watching someone die in the hospital. I watched this in my dad and mom. it is horrific. I wished that things had been different. that they didnt make my dad and mom suffer more with interventions that were completely worthless and these idiot doctors make a lot of mistakes. you did the right thing. she was at home and as in peace. this is the right way to go, not in a cold horribe hospital surrounded by uncaring doctors.

[claudettechavez]

Thank You so much for your reply. you'll never know what hearing your story did for me in my time of pain. thank you so much!!!

I experienced this, too, but in a very different way. My Dad was killed in a car accident on his way home from my house. That particular day, I walked to the car with him to sit and talk and play with his dog that he brought with him everywhere. I never did that - I never walked him to the car or sat with him, but that day I did and if I hadn't he probably would not have been in the wrong place at the wrong time that day to be struck by that other vehicle. I agonized over that.. why that day? I hated myself for it, for the longest time.

I did talk to him on the phone, after he'd left, before the accident. He'd forgotten some tax paperwork I'd meant to give him because he was taking it to his accountant to see if she could give me some advice. He said he'd come get it in a few days, we said 'love you' and hung up. I was the last person to talk to him, and I never spoke to him again after that conversation. With the time line, it was probably only 10-15 minutes before the accident. I hated myself for not warning him (of something I couldn't possibly have known would happen)... I hated myself for not asking him to stay longer or getting him to leave sooner, so he wouldn't be in the path of that truck... I agonized over minutes here, wishing we had argued about something or that I'd shown him something on the computer that I was working on that would have delayed him. Then, I met the man who was in the car behind him that day (who probably would have been killed had my father not been there).

It was weeks after the accident. He wanted to pay his respects. He was from the same small town where my parents lived. He was younger, in his 30's, with two small children. He was visibly shaken and upset when he spoke about it. He was the first one to call emergency services. He said he had gone over to my Dad's van... he was the first one to realize he was dead. As I watched this man cry over my father, a man he never knew, as he reassured us that he had not suffered, I began to imagine what his family would be feeling now if it had been this man instead, their son or husband, their father instead of mine. I realized that it was better this way, my Dad was 62, he had grown children, he had lived a full life and we had many wonderful years with him. I would not have been able to say the same for this man's children, they were so young. I let go of that guilt then, thanked him for his time and his compassion and wished his family well. I knew that my Dad would have wanted it this way, to be him instead of this young man and his family.

[V-teach]

It's only been 4 weeks and i have times of great denial. I have a family, 3 children, a husband and a company to run. I am reserved am very good at stuffing the pain i feel. My mother was told she had lung cancer about 8 months ago and at age 67 was told she had 6-9 months to live. I knew she was going thru radiation but 3 days before she passed her blood pressure was very high and dr told my dad he should take her to emergency but he didnt and i stayed with her for 9 hours and never stood up and demanded we take her. I didnt want to step on my dads toes. After all he had been the one who had been caring for her for months. I feel a guilt that i cannot explain. I even told a pastor friend of mine that i could of been the one who helped extend her life. She was in pain and was so medicated that she couldnt speak for herself. She was walking and talking and out and about just days before her death. I feel responsible for not saying anything. Is there anyone that this happened to? I miss her so much. I cant breathe when i take the time to think about her. I was so busy at the funeral worrying about whether the singer was going to be liked by my dad and if the grand kids were ok that i never fully grieved. I still haven't but in know enough that i must and i need others to help me work thru this. Anyone up for the call?

Hi Lynn,

I have guilt, but not in the same way. I respected my Dad's wishes by Not going over. We all thought we had more time. It ended up being almost 2 months exactly from discovering the cancer to his death. I am still not sure I should have listened. But if I had gone against his wishes, it would have hurt him. So, now I live with the guilt that I should have gone over anyway and didn't - but I respected my Dad's wishes. You had a tough choice. When you come right down to it, it was your Dad's call, he was competent and able. Do not blame him either, it will hurt more if you do. Sit and watch a movie that you and your Mom watched together. It will help ease that weight. Allow it to do so.

Take care.

[ada33r]

Hi Lynn,

How have you been? We haven't heard back from you. Are you doing ok? I think that now it has been about 2 months since the passing of your mom, everything is still so new and I was just wondering about you.

I found some nice information in an article and I thought I might share it with you because its very close to your situation.

Death affects each person differently. Indeed, the Bible says that “each one” has “his own plague and his own pain.” (2 Chronicles 6:29) With that in mind, take a moment to think about how your parent’s death has affected you. Below, describe (1) how you felt when you first found out about your parent’s death and (2) how you feel now.

(1) …………………………

(2) …………………………

Perhaps your answers reveal that your emotions are, at least to a degree, leveling off. This is normal. It does not mean that you have forgotten your parent. On the other hand, you may find that your emotions are still the same or are even more intense. Maybe your grief comes in waves that seem to ebb and flow and then “crash ashore” at unexpected moments. This too is normal-even if it occurs years after your parent’s death. The question is, How can you cope with your grief—whatever form it takes?

There are many ways to cope with our grief, after all losing a parent is such an intense loss. Here are some good suggestions:

• Don't hold back the tears! Crying helps ease the pain of grief. Jesus Christ was a perfect man who had strong faith in God, yet, he "gave way to tears" over the death of his dear friend Lazarus. (John 11:35) So don't be afraid to let your tears flow.
• Address feelings of guilt. Perhaps you still feel a measure of guilt for how things happened with your mom over the things you neglected to do. You might even torture yourself with "if onlys" as you mentioned in your post. But Lynn, remember this: It's normal to feel regret over things you wish you had done differently. The fact is, you would have done things differently had you know what would happen. But you did not know, therefore guilt is inappropriate. You are not responsible for your mom's death.
• Communicate your feelings. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside may make it difficult to deal with your grief. On the other hand, discussing your feelings with someone you trust will open the way for you to receive kind words of encouragement when you need them the most. Talk to your dad, let him know how you feel. Talk to close friends. The Bible says that true companions are "born for when there is distress" (Proverbs 17:17) Talk to God. Likely, you will feel much better after you "pour out your heart" to Jehovah God in prayer. (Psalm 62:8) This is not simply a feel-good therapy. In prayer, you are appealing to "the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation." (2 Corinthians 1:3,4) He can provide us with holy spirit that can infuse you with "power beyond what is normal", so that you can endure the pain of grief.

Lynn, I hope these suggestions help. Remember that grieving is not an overnight process and that there is no set time in which you should think you should feel better. Please let me know how you are doing. Hope to hear back from you.

Many hugs,

Ada

[debbie880]

I have some guilt. I am single which is hard, kids are grown and gone. My mother was everything to me. Life is cold without her and i know how she loved me so much like no other. I put her in a nursing home and they did not feed and take care of her properly so i tried to take her back home and they refused saying she should stay in there. So i cry a couple of times a day it has only been 3 weeks. She died of pneumonia complications in october and i told them to put her in the hospital in late august.

I have good memories of me and her and i miss her terriby. I hope to god it gets better. I will pray for you Lynn I had to come to peace with my situation and you will too, but wondering if this and if that is a normal part of losing someone or so i hear. We wonder if we should have did this or that. I had lived out of state now i feel guilty even for that, thinking i could have protected her somehow.

Prayers for us all for peace and some form of contentment. Debbie May the lord watch over all of us.

Hi Lynn,

I have guilt, but not in the same way. I respected my Dad's wishes by Not going over. We all thought we had more time. It ended up being almost 2 months exactly from discovering the cancer to his death. I am still not sure I should have listened. But if I had gone against his wishes, it would have hurt him. So, now I live with the guilt that I should have gone over anyway and didn't - but I respected my Dad's wishes. You had a tough choice. When you come right down to it, it was your Dad's call, he was competent and able. Do not blame him either, it will hurt more if you do. Sit and watch a movie that you and your Mom watched together. It will help ease that weight. Allow it to do so.

Take care.