Loss of Mother-in-Law, Wife not sleeping, defensive

[concernedhubby]

My MIL recently passed after being in a long battle with several illnesses, heart failure, copd, etc. She was a hospice and we were prepared.

My concern is that my wife is not coping in a healthy manner, specifically; not sleeping, eating poorly, and acting very defensive when I tell her that I am concerned. She is telling me that I am trying to control her when I really just want her to rest and act healthy. I am trying to be sensitive and careful with my tone and words. Her response is that she is an adult, she can cope how she wants/needs, and she doesn't tell me how to act when I am acting in a way she doesn't like.

I obviously am being very lenient. I love my wife and feel for her. However, I also cannot allow her self-destructive behavior to continue and not say anything about it. I am not tryign to control her, as I have said, but I am concerned. How long should I allow htis? How can I get her to get some help without her feeling like I am telling her what to do? She is agitated easily and her demeanor has changed from a listener, to not listening and interupting? Her family is not helping either. They are all armchair psychologists.

[Angela1001]

My MIL recently passed after being in a long battle with several illnesses, heart failure, copd, etc. She was a hospice and we were prepared.

My concern is that my wife is not coping in a healthy manner, specifically; not sleeping, eating poorly, and acting very defensive when I tell her that I am concerned. She is telling me that I am trying to control her when I really just want her to rest and act healthy. I am trying to be sensitive and careful with my tone and words. Her response is that she is an adult, she can cope how she wants/needs, and she doesn't tell me how to act when I am acting in a way she doesn't like.

I obviously am being very lenient. I love my wife and feel for her. However, I also cannot allow her self-destructive behavior to continue and not say anything about it. I am not tryign to control her, as I have said, but I am concerned. How long should I allow htis? How can I get her to get some help without her feeling like I am telling her what to do? She is agitated easily and her demeanor has changed from a listener, to not listening and interupting? Her family is not helping either. They are all armchair psychologists.

I'm sorry for your loss. And no matter who was involved, you're prepared for the death, you know it's coming, at I was ( hospice was coming to the house for my father), but you can't prepare for how it hits you personally. I know in my case, I pulled away from my husband and friends and family for about a month. I stil don't go to anyone with my true feelings, and honestly I dont have a good reason why I dont. I guess I dont feel anyone truly understands how I feel and why I feel the way that I do. It's been about 10 months since my father passde and I function fine now, but I break down emotionally almost everyday. I never did the grievance groups that hos[ice offered. It might have helped, cause I just started on here and I see that people are saying what I feel. I dont know your wife or the relationship she had with her mother, but I know for me i didnt care about what was around me at that time. i only wanted my father. Either him with me or me with him. Maybe get ahold of hospice and seee if someone could talk to her. get into a group or even this online. online works best for me because I cant fully break down in front of people for some reason. behind the computer I can cry .

[tmeredith]

I am sorry for your loss. Losing someone in your family is very hard. You sound like a kind husband who is very worried about your wife. I lost my mom 9 months ago and it is just now hitting me. I am anxious, irritable and having trouble eating. I am no expert at this but have been told told that what I am experiencing is normal. Your wife has a huge hole in her life right now. It doesn't matter how much advanced warning you have, nothing can prepare you for the huge loss you face once the person is actually gone. Sometimes a parent being ill causes an adult child to become even more involved in their life which makes the absence once they are gone even starker. Things are not normal for her and won't be for awhile. She need to adjust to this huge change. You may want to read some of the things on the 5 steps of grief which provides a framework of some of the general steps people go through while adjusting loss. Things won't be as usual for awhile. Hospice maybe able to help. Generally they have grief support groups. Perhaps you can call them and ask them to reach out to your wife. She is probably doing the best she can. I know I tell my husband I am doing the best I can and that I require patience right now but I know it is hard to see someone suffering and grieving. My husband want to "fix" things which he can't and only makes me feel more upset. I just want him to listen, care and be supportive as that is what I believe is most helpful to me. Your wife is lucky to have someone to care. Hospice may also be able to help you best support her and with any issues you may have. Grief is a difficult journey for all involved. I just recently discovered this board but have found caring people who will listen and share their experience. Please feel free to share anytime you like.