Help...Overwhelmed with Grief

[tmeredith]

I am so lost, sad, anxious and scared. My mom passed away 9 months ago after a long battle with cancer. My brother and I cared for her during her illness. I have my own family and commuted back and forth to her house from mine which is an hour away. That was tough but every day she was here was blessing. I loved her and she loved me. She was my biggest supporter and a genuine good person. The loss is just now hitting me. Before I was busy settling her estate and such but now I am left with emptiness and pain during some very hard times. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and my marriage is strained. I am facing some some very tough times and I don't have my biggest supporter. I am soooo sad. I have no-one who really cares and is there as a support. My husband says he can not be there for me right now. He has enough of his own issues. I am so alone and have no-one to talk to...except I guess you all out there. Thanks for listening.

[ModKonnie]

I am so lost, sad, anxious and scared. My mom passed away 9 months ago after a long battle with cancer. My brother and I cared for her during her illness. I have my own family and commuted back and forth to her house from mine which is an hour away. That was tough but every day she was here was blessing. I loved her and she loved me. She was my biggest supporter and a genuine good person. The loss is just now hitting me. Before I was busy settling her estate and such but now I am left with emptiness and pain during some very hard times. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and my marriage is strained. I am facing some some very tough times and I don't have my biggest supporter. I am soooo sad. I have no-one who really cares and is there as a support. My husband says he can not be there for me right now. He has enough of his own issues. I am so alone and have no-one to talk to...except I guess you all out there. Thanks for listening.

Terra,

Two years ago, my father died. On the day he died, I found out my husband had planned to leave me, so I kicked him out. I had four children to raise, and I had no way of supporting us financially. I was depressed, sick, miserable and I felt as though I was the only person in the world who was having such a terrible time.

I kept praying. I kept a journal; I talked to anyone who would listen. I exercised, and I went to counseling. I applied for job after job and I kept praying.

It was very very hard. But--two years later, I have a wonderful job, I found this site and became the community moderator, I've developed alot of true friends here, and I found out who the real me was along the way. It was a journey, I missed my dad, and I still miss him. But I survived, and I am happy.

I wish I could tell dad everything that I've been through; he'd be proud of me. I went back to school to finish my master's degree, too. At first I took a measily little job as a night clerk in a college program at the women's prison here in my town. I then became the evening supervisor, taught GED and literacy classes, and finally was offered a chance of a lifetime in teaching and counseling in a therapeutic community for substance abusers at the prison. It wouldn't have happened had one of those other life changing events not have happened.

Terra,

I am so sorry about your mother. You are probably going through some of the toughest parts--when the shock and numbness wear off and the pain sets in. However, you are strong. You are your mother's daughter. Draw your strength from the strength you got from her and you will make it. Look ahead just a little at a time. For now, concentrate on yourself as you meal around some short term goals you'd like to do. Nothing drastic--just something you've always wanted to do, like get in the habbit of walking around the block each evening, or reading that novel you've wanted to do. There are many here who will support you.

Things fall apart people spouses many times in these difficult situations. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship.

For now, we will be here for you. Come tell us all about yourself.

We look forward to hearing from you soon,

ModKonnie

[tmeredith]

Terra,

Two years ago, my father died. On the day he died, I found out my husband had planned to leave me, so I kicked him out. I had four children to raise, and I had no way of supporting us financially. I was depressed, sick, miserable and I felt as though I was the only person in the world who was having such a terrible time.

I kept praying. I kept a journal; I talked to anyone who would listen. I exercised, and I went to counseling. I applied for job after job and I kept praying.

It was very very hard. But--two years later, I have a wonderful job, I found this site and became the community moderator, I've developed alot of true friends here, and I found out who the real me was along the way. It was a journey, I missed my dad, and I still miss him. But I survived, and I am happy.

I wish I could tell dad everything that I've been through; he'd be proud of me. I went back to school to finish my master's degree, too. At first I took a measily little job as a night clerk in a college program at the women's prison here in my town. I then became the evening supervisor, taught GED and literacy classes, and finally was offered a chance of a lifetime in teaching and counseling in a therapeutic community for substance abusers at the prison. It wouldn't have happened had one of those other life changing events not have happened.

Terra,

I am so sorry about your mother. You are probably going through some of the toughest parts--when the shock and numbness wear off and the pain sets in. However, you are strong. You are your mother's daughter. Draw your strength from the strength you got from her and you will make it. Look ahead just a little at a time. For now, concentrate on yourself as you meal around some short term goals you'd like to do. Nothing drastic--just something you've always wanted to do, like get in the habbit of walking around the block each evening, or reading that novel you've wanted to do. There are many here who will support you.

Things fall apart people spouses many times in these difficult situations. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship.

For now, we will be here for you. Come tell us all about yourself.

We look forward to hearing from you soon,

ModKonnie

Thank you. I am humbled by how much you had to deal with and how well you handled it all so well. I know I will get through all of this some how. I just feel like such a mess right now. I like to be in control and things feel very out of control. I am grateful for my mom and the time I have and for my family. I will have to patient (which is hard for me) with myself, my grief and all the crazy things in my life right now. Take care and thanks again.

[tmeredith]

I felt better yesterday after finding this forum. I didn't feel so alone. I read and read and read. So many sad stories of loss. I am sorry that anyone has to cope with the loss of a loved one. It is good to know that what I am feeling is not totally out there. I was hoping to wake up feeling good but still the tension and anxiety and heaviness is there. I so badly want to escape these terrible feeling but I know I can not. So many brave people coping with so much. I know it will get better but it feels awful now. How do you all survive this? We lost a baby at birth and that is painful still. I think the loss of my mom has brought that back and the loss of her in my life is huge. I am having to face my weakness and give up my pride. So sad so lost and so scared. Thank you for listening and God bless.

[tmeredith]

I just read the 5 steps of grief and think I am at the depression anxiety stage. It is painful. Sorry to keep coming back to share but I have so much stuff bottled up and no-one to talk with. I am devastated. I can not believe I am putting all of this out there. If you knew me in the non-cyber world you would know this is not like me. I am pretty quiet and controlled. My family is understands that I need to grieve but quite frankly acts like it is an inconvenience to have me out of commission sometimes or wanting to talk and cry. I am so tired and feel so weak. I wish I could just take a break but life does not stop. I know I need to go on. It is just hard. It is hard to lose someone you love who really loved you. I am so sorry for the losses you all have experienced. I know it is hard. After reading through the steps of grief I am hoping that being in the depression/anxiety phase puts me closer to acceptance. I am not there yet and unfortunately I am a bit stubborn so it may take time, as much as I want to be there. Thank you for listening.

I felt better yesterday after finding this forum. I didn't feel so alone. I read and read and read. So many sad stories of loss. I am sorry that anyone has to cope with the loss of a loved one. It is good to know that what I am feeling is not totally out there. I was hoping to wake up feeling good but still the tension and anxiety and heaviness is there. I so badly want to escape these terrible feeling but I know I can not. So many brave people coping with so much. I know it will get better but it feels awful now. How do you all survive this? We lost a baby at birth and that is painful still. I think the loss of my mom has brought that back and the loss of her in my life is huge. I am having to face my weakness and give up my pride. So sad so lost and so scared. Thank you for listening and God bless.

[ModKonnie]

I just read the 5 steps of grief and think I am at the depression anxiety stage. It is painful. Sorry to keep coming back to share but I have so much stuff bottled up and no-one to talk with. I am devastated. I can not believe I am putting all of this out there. If you knew me in the non-cyber world you would know this is not like me. I am pretty quiet and controlled. My family is understands that I need to grieve but quite frankly acts like it is an inconvenience to have me out of commission sometimes or wanting to talk and cry. I am so tired and feel so weak. I wish I could just take a break but life does not stop. I know I need to go on. It is just hard. It is hard to lose someone you love who really loved you. I am so sorry for the losses you all have experienced. I know it is hard. After reading through the steps of grief I am hoping that being in the depression/anxiety phase puts me closer to acceptance. I am not there yet and unfortunately I am a bit stubborn so it may take time, as much as I want to be there. Thank you for listening.

Terra,

You may experince the five stages of grief in a cycle. They may come and go in different patterns. I know about the out of control emotions. The exhaustion may pass soon, and you will move closer to acceptance. It's going to take some time, but you are doing the right thing by getting this all out. The more you talk, the more you will begin to inch forward.

Talk as much as you want. We will listen.

ModKonnie

[tmeredith]

Thank you!!! I am now realizing I am angry as well as anxious so perhaps I am not as far along as I thought. It seems that there is no-one to be angry at, just the situation. I have to be careful not take out my feelings on my family. I am just so angry at being hurt this way having my mom taken from me although I know she is in a better place and I did not want her to suffer. Life just sucks sometimes. I know I will come to acceptance but I am not there now. I have some health issues that are flaring up that I need to pay attention to. It is hard to have to go on and do all things you need to do for your family when I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I want to be there for my family but it takes a lot out of me these days but I do it because I love them. I suppose it is also a good way to honor my mom who as a single mom always took care of us. I tried talking with my MIL today about somethings but she turned to my daughter and just started singing a song??? She does not talk about her emotions and I suppose does not want to hear about others. It makes me mad. I AM MAD about what I am not quite sure but none the less I AM MAD!!!!!! That is my rant for the day. Thank you for listening.

Terra,

You may experince the five stages of grief in a cycle. They may come and go in different patterns. I know about the out of control emotions. The exhaustion may pass soon, and you will move closer to acceptance. It's going to take some time, but you are doing the right thing by getting this all out. The more you talk, the more you will begin to inch forward.

Talk as much as you want. We will listen.

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

Thank you!!! I am now realizing I am angry as well as anxious so perhaps I am not as far along as I thought. It seems that there is no-one to be angry at, just the situation. I have to be careful not take out my feelings on my family. I am just so angry at being hurt this way having my mom taken from me although I know she is in a better place and I did not want her to suffer. Life just sucks sometimes. I know I will come to acceptance but I am not there now. I have some health issues that are flaring up that I need to pay attention to. It is hard to have to go on and do all things you need to do for your family when I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I want to be there for my family but it takes a lot out of me these days but I do it because I love them. I suppose it is also a good way to honor my mom who as a single mom always took care of us. I tried talking with my MIL today about somethings but she turned to my daughter and just started singing a song??? She does not talk about her emotions and I suppose does not want to hear about others. It makes me mad. I AM MAD about what I am not quite sure but none the less I AM MAD!!!!!! That is my rant for the day. Thank you for listening.

Terra,

You rant as much as you want. Anger is okay. I am glad you have an outlet here to express how you are feeling. I had severe anxiety attacks to the point I thought I was having a heart attack when my father passed. Also, I had flair ups of aches and pains I had thought I got taken care of. Stress and grief can come out in physical symptoms.

Your mother in law is probably trying to hide from the fact that she, too, will one day pass on. That is difficult for all of us, and as we get older it starts to become a nagging thought in the back of our head far too often for many of our comfort. I think if we all talked about dying more openly, it would maybe be easier to accept? What do you think?

ModKonnie

[tmeredith]

I agree that if we as a society all talked about dying more it would be easier. I think there is so much fear of dying that people push it away and don't want to think about. It makes it so hard when there is a loss because people are not prepared and feel alone, as no-one else really feels comfortable talking about death. Really very sad. Death is part of life and happens to every soul on the planet. It is not until you lose someone that you think about these things. Thanks again, ModKonnie.

Terra,

You rant as much as you want. Anger is okay. I am glad you have an outlet here to express how you are feeling. I had severe anxiety attacks to the point I thought I was having a heart attack when my father passed. Also, I had flair ups of aches and pains I had thought I got taken care of. Stress and grief can come out in physical symptoms.

Your mother in law is probably trying to hide from the fact that she, too, will one day pass on. That is difficult for all of us, and as we get older it starts to become a nagging thought in the back of our head far too often for many of our comfort. I think if we all talked about dying more openly, it would maybe be easier to accept? What do you think?

ModKonnie

[tmeredith]

Everyday is something new...I realize that some of this tension I feel is a a result of needing to cry. Sometimes I cry so easily but lately not much. I don't know why. I guess I don't have a safe place to do it and know it makes my family uncomfortable. All of this tension just makes me so tired. I know the tears will flow eventually but as usual I am impatient. I want relief now. I hate feeling this way. I know this is part of life but it is not easy. IT IS HARD!!! I feel guilty for taking time for myself. My MIL has been here and I have been letting her watch the kids without really saying what I a doing. I am reading, writing, crying a bit and trying to cry more. Mornings are the worst for me. I feel like I have a whole day stretching ahead of me to face. At night I get relief from sleep until I wake in the early ours and toss and turn. I have this lump in the pit of my stomach that I think is from just not getting out the tears, emotions and experience of seeing my mom die. I have also come to realize that I have unfinished grief (are you every finished) from a baby we lost at birth. In some ways as I move forward it seems like there is just more and more to deal with. I started to read some of the postings on Loss of an Adult Child and I realized I missed my sweet girl but it also made me afraid that I might lose my other children...not rational I know but emotions and intellect don't always seems to match up. So now I will grieve for both of them. I feel like I want to put out at a sign that says "No More Please. I've Had Enough".

[tmeredith]

I am just so angry... GRRRR the loss of my mom as well as few other things that are not going right. I feel like there is no-one I can depend on for very important things. I am worried about the future. I am so sad and so alone. If my mom was here I would be at her house trying to sort all of this out with her as a sounding board or at least a quiet support. She would be there for me. I miss her so much. I have read other posts here on the board which talks about thinking you could count on certain people to be there for you only to find out you can't. I am finding that to be true. I rarely reach out to others for help so I was hoping when I did they would be there. It is soooo disappointing. Makes me feel even more alone. THIS JUST SUCKS!!!!! Once again, thanks for listening.

[tmeredith]

I am not doing well this morning however I did have a few moments yesterday evening where I felt like things would get better...actually the thought in my head was "Everything is going to be all right." It was wonderful to feel that way. It gave me hope. I don't feel that way right now but I believe I can and am willing to work towards it. If you are reading this I am sorry for your loss and thank you for listening. I will be happy to listen as well if you think posting is helpful. Take care.

[letters2mary]

I am not doing well this morning however I did have a few moments yesterday evening where I felt like things would get better...actually the thought in my head was "Everything is going to be all right." It was wonderful to feel that way. It gave me hope. I don't feel that way right now but I believe I can and am willing to work towards it. If you are reading this I am sorry for your loss and thank you for listening. I will be happy to listen as well if you think posting is helpful. Take care.

Difficult to wonder when the carousel will stop long enough for us to get our bearings. The ups and downs are themselves exhausting. Remember that all feelings are OK, although some are more easy to tolerate than others. If you have a meditation practice, maybe this would be a good time to double up or to double up on any forms of self care that work for you. Meanwhile, it is good and healthy for you to express what is going on here, because it helps others to feel not so alone.

[stillfighting431]

Terra,

Thank you for the kind words you wrote in reply to my post.I'm so sorry for both of your losses.Since I don't have children of my own,I can't imagine your grief over losing your daughter,must be so hard losing a part of yourself. I do know the pain of losing a wonderful mom.

Your mom sounds just like mine,selfless,generous,kind,compassionate, with a smile that could wash all your sadness away.It'd always been my mom,dad,my elder sister & I,just the 4 of us always together.But it was my mom who who held it all together,the heart & soul of our world.She was more than just a mother to my sister & I,she was our best friend,our counsellor,teacher & guide.

It's been over 2 months now,I too feel like I just can't cry anymore.Though I keep myself busy,I still have this feeling of dread,like I'm forgetting something very important,like I've suffered an unthinkable loss,but I cry less & less.I feel so empty inside ,like I've got no more tears left to cry.My sister still cries a lot everyday.She tells me she feels guilty if she doesn't remember her or talk about her ,like she's leaving her behind.

We too are both angry,we feel cheated 'cause till the end we were given hope and told that she's getting better day by day.My sister is even more angry than me.She was mom's nurse,incharge of her meds,physiotherapy & all other needs.She was her constant shadow,had dedicated her heart ,soul & all for the past 2 years to making her well again.Now that mom's gone she feels so lost,like she's lost a battle by unfair means & can't bring herself to admit defeat.That just isn't an option,a do or die kinda attitude.

I too feel when you're really down that's when you realise who your friends truly are.I'm lucky I've my sister who has gone through all of it with me.Although she is barely 2 years older than me,yet she's always telling me,"think of me as your second mom" & I do.I wish you too had someone so close to you with whom you talk to anytime day or night.For what it's worth I'm here if you ever wanna talk,use the personal messenger provided by the site.

My mom was only sick for about year & a half before she passed away,but you battled alongside your mom for 8 years.It must have taken a heavy toll on you physically & emotionally.I know how hard it is just to make it from one day to the next.

I hope you feel better.

[tmeredith]

You are very welcome, Stillfighting. I am glad it helped. Thank you for your kind words as well. It always helps to know you are not alone. I am still fighting anxiety but am making progress. Such a hard thing to have to adjust to. I have so much else going on in my life that it all seems to stack up on top of each other. I hope you are having a good day and I'll do my best to do the same. Take care.

Terra,

Thank you for the kind words you wrote in reply to my post.I'm so sorry for both of your losses.Since I don't have children of my own,I can't imagine your grief over losing your daughter,must be so hard losing a part of yourself. I do know the pain of losing a wonderful mom.

Your mom sounds just like mine,selfless,generous,kind,compassionate, with a smile that could wash all your sadness away.It'd always been my mom,dad,my elder sister & I,just the 4 of us always together.But it was my mom who who held it all together,the heart & soul of our world.She was more than just a mother to my sister & I,she was our best friend,our counsellor,teacher & guide.

It's been over 2 months now,I too feel like I just can't cry anymore.Though I keep myself busy,I still have this feeling of dread,like I'm forgetting something very important,like I've suffered an unthinkable loss,but I cry less & less.I feel so empty inside ,like I've got no more tears left to cry.My sister still cries a lot everyday.She tells me she feels guilty if she doesn't remember her or talk about her ,like she's leaving her behind.

We too are both angry,we feel cheated 'cause till the end we were given hope and told that she's getting better day by day.My sister is even more angry than me.She was mom's nurse,incharge of her meds,physiotherapy & all other needs.She was her constant shadow,had dedicated her heart ,soul & all for the past 2 years to making her well again.Now that mom's gone she feels so lost,like she's lost a battle by unfair means & can't bring herself to admit defeat.That just isn't an option,a do or die kinda attitude.

I too feel when you're really down that's when you realise who your friends truly are.I'm lucky I've my sister who has gone through all of it with me.Although she is barely 2 years older than me,yet she's always telling me,"think of me as your second mom" & I do.I wish you too had someone so close to you with whom you talk to anytime day or night.For what it's worth I'm here if you ever wanna talk,use the personal messenger provided by the site.

My mom was only sick for about year & a half before she passed away,but you battled alongside your mom for 8 years.It must have taken a heavy toll on you physically & emotionally.I know how hard it is just to make it from one day to the next.

I hope you feel better.

[tmeredith]

Having some reasonably good days. Getting stuff done and enjoying some of my kid's activities. Still don't feel 100% but for anyone out there having mostly bad days please know there are likely some good days ahead at some point. Almost didn't post today but wanted to share the good along with the bad. Take care and hope everyone has a good night and sleeps well, which I know is not always easy.

[tmeredith]

Hope everyone out there is doing okay although I know sometimes that is a tall order. Life takes on so many difficult paths. They saying losing a parent is one of the hardest things people face and I believe that is true. Losing the ones you have known longer and in most cases better than almost anyone else is a big deal. Just because most everyone has to face it does not make it easier. As ModKonnie said out society does not talk about death much and that makes it all the more difficult. People just hope you will "get over it" quickly". Often they don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable talking about it. The people who experience a loss and seemingly carry on as if nothing has happened are viewed as handling the situation well when in reality they are probably either not dealing with their grief or hiding it from public view because they feel uncomfortable sharing it. I wish grief were more accepted and openly discussed in out society so when people do face losses they would have more support and be more prepared....just my humble opinion. You may see it differently. Please feel free to share your thoughts here if you do (or if you don't) Take care and thanks for listening.

[ModKonnie]

Hope everyone out there is doing okay although I know sometimes that is a tall order. Life takes on so many difficult paths. They saying losing a parent is one of the hardest things people face and I believe that is true. Losing the ones you have known longer and in most cases better than almost anyone else is a big deal. Just because most everyone has to face it does not make it easier. As ModKonnie said out society does not talk about death much and that makes it all the more difficult. People just hope you will "get over it" quickly". Often they don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable talking about it. The people who experience a loss and seemingly carry on as if nothing has happened are viewed as handling the situation well when in reality they are probably either not dealing with their grief or hiding it from public view because they feel uncomfortable sharing it. I wish grief were more accepted and openly discussed in out society so when people do face losses they would have more support and be more prepared....just my humble opinion. You may see it differently. Please feel free to share your thoughts here if you do (or if you don't) Take care and thanks for listening.

Hi Terra,

I am a substance abuse counselor at a prison, in addition to my work here. I can tell you that about one-third of the women in my program have grief and loss issues that they hid, masked and did not deal with. So, I completely agree that we should get grief and loss out in the open and make it "Okay" for people to grieve openly.

ModKonnie