Numb... just not over it

[mburke]

lost my dad almost 3 months ago. this is my second post. I feel like im waiting for that magical moment when i feel better. when i feel like he will walk through the door again and i will see him one last time. That my little girl will see her grandpa one last time. My daughter is almost 4 and im so thankful she knew her grandpa and that i can keep the memories alive with her. i hurt so much over loosing my dad still. i feel like it will never get better. there are days when i dont think about it then suddenly ill brake down and cry. I honestly believe we become numb. we dont get over it and it doesnt get better we just learn to deal with it. ill find myself drifting off in memories of my father often. i feel like my dad was taken away from me way to soon. why me ?? why my dad.

I will never forget the day that i found out my dad had died.

It was an early friday morning about 9am i get a call from my moms neighbor telling me i needed to come to my moms that she needed me something had happened. i live only 3 minutes away from my moms. i put my daughter in the car and i knew something was wrong. i drove so fast. while driving there i called my husband and told him somethings wrong. i pulled up to 3 highway patrol cars and a county sheriff. i knew something aweful had happend. i thought it was my liittle brother because my dads car was there. i walked in and i just couldnt even think straight. i was still on the phone with my husband and my mom was crying and crying finally they told me that my dad was hit by a 17 year old teenager while he was riding his motorcycle to work that morning. The teenager was driving his family van to band practice and was running late and wasnt paying attention and raced out in front of traffic and my dad hit his front tire flew 8 feet in the air and landed on the hood then ended up under the van. i was crushed i was screaming NO not my dad your lieing i didnt want to believe anyone but it was true. i wanted to see my dad i didnt believe it.

After a couple hours i went and seen my dads motorcycle. i still didnt want to except it. that next day i went and seen his body at the mortuary. it was in good shape better then i had thought and im thankful i went and said goodbye. he has broke both of his legs his wrists ribs and what actually killed him was he snapped his spinal cord. my dad wasnt wearing a helmet that day but i didnt find out from the medical examiner that he wouldnt have made it either way. im glad they told me that or i would have been so angry with him. it upset me when the paper posted that he died on impact and didnt have a helemt. people are so fast to judge but i know the truth.

the kid that hit my dad has recieved a $90 failure to yield ticket for my dads life. i want more i think he should loose his license at the least. he took my father away from me!

the kid has sense then gone to court and he pled not guilty and his family has hired an attorny and asked for all charges to be dropped. i honestly can say i wish he would just except his ticket and move on. i havent seen this kid face to face but i will at the pre-trial for his ticket to see if he is going to pled guilty or not. i definitly direct alot of my anger towards this kid. he took my dads life he is completly at fault. he was turning left on to the highway and had a stop sign. my father didnt have a stop sign.

i wonder all the time what my dad was thinking in those last moments. after reading witness statements from the scene i can see the whole accident replaying in my head and i hate it. i think of him so often it kills me i go by the cemetary as often as possible and i sit there and cry and just hope that this is all a bad dream and it will be over... but it wont this is reality.

im thankful i have joined this site and can share my feelings its nice to vent. thanks for listening

[dizzydancingway]

I'm sorry about your loss. I can understand your anger over the situation...on top of all that, anger is supposed to be one of the earliest reactions to loss. I went through a lot of moments of panic when I lost my mom, especially in thinking how my family would change without her, but its been four months and I'm slowly getting used to my new reality. You're right to be thankful that your daughter met her grandpa. I'm only 27 and I have a hard time knowing my mom will never see me have kids. She was a teacher and really really loved kids.

It does initially feel like we're being robbed, deprived of something that everyone else gets to keep, but things get easier. You adjust to your new life and learn to remember the positive. You're very lucky you had such a great dad and I bet he's one reason you're such a good parent yourself.

[AmberLynn89]

Awe I am so sorry about the loss of your father I know it must be so hard. The circumstances seem so unfair and I know that must be making it a lot worse too. I think that the kid definitely should have gotten AT LEAST his license taken away. I'm sure that he's really sad that he hit your father too though, especially since he knows so many people loved your dad.. he obviously had a daughter and grand daughter that loved him a lot. I'm so sorry. People have told me that the grieving doesn't get better but it gets different. There will be a time you can look back and see just the good times and smile instead of cry.. you know? But you have to sortof go through a storm first I hope things get more easy for you.

[laurenvibezz]

These posts made me cry. But here's a little piece of my journal that kind of describes the 'numbness' you feel or the shock in other words.

"My initial reaction with my Dad’s death was shock and grief. But the shock. That was most there. Not just bodily shock or grief shock, but astonishment kind of shock. Greater awareness type shock. Scared shocked. Dark, bleek shock. Bodily shockwaves. Blows to the brain. Numbness. Distress! Disbelief, astonishment..devastation. I loved my Dad so much."

A little more info: My dad got shot to death at the age of 46, leaving behind a crumbling family which he was the foundation of.