Lost my beloved wife 5 months ago

[pike]

I lost the love of my life 2/9/2011, 12:37PM. I've been totally lost since! The hospital she was in released her and sent us home when she was still having these terrible pains in her stomach! They just gave her a shot of morophene and sent us out the door! The next mourning she was almost incoherent. I called 911, they took her, (still in pain) to a different hospital who after a CT scan said she had a perforated bowel and was in pretty bad shape & couldn't perform the emergency surgery she needed so they were going to send her to the hospital that released her the day before but they said it'd be better if she was at a hospital in the city that would be better equipped to handle it so they sent her there. They said that it was too late, they refused to perform the emergency surgery and the next day after praying, speaking to her normal doctor and then our pastors I let them take her off the ventilator and the dozen or so IVs & left her in Gods hands. She lasted only a minuet and was gone! We were so in love! Every day I fell deeper in love with her and she did me too! I still catch myself saying, "I can't believe it!" even now, months after I lost her I've still been falling deeper in love with her only now it has turned into such a deep, deep pain! I never was one of those (me, I, my) kind of people! I've always looked out for others and since I took care of my beloved Robin Denise which I was just so glad that she was being well taken care of, I never really took much time to think about myself! I was so happy to have such a wonderful wife in every way! Now I find myself totally alone and although I've came a long way I still miss her so much! I still cry every day. Not as long but do several times through the day! I go to the cemetery every day, sometimes twice if I feel the need to! It's kind of like a sanctuary for me! I planted her favorite (red tea rose) plant and placed a hanging basket of petunias on a shepherds hook. Some stole them!

I'm so ready for my life to end now! This world has NOTHING for me now! I'm in NO WAY suicidal or anything like that! I'm just ready now! I lay in bed after I wake up wanting to fall back to sleep. I just came to realize that was because asleep I don't have to deal with reality! ME??? Me not wanting to deal with reality??? I'm the guy who ALWAYS embraced reality nomatter what it was! Man has this changed me! My beloved Robin Denise taught me what true unconditional love is! She was such a special person! So honest, full of life and always laughing! I WAS one of those cloun around guys who was always able to get that sweet laugh out of her! Now she's gone! I don't know what God has in store for me now but I DON'T want another! I will be buried with this ring on my finger! I only hope that God doesn't make me wait too long! I could go on and on but I'm not going to! I just want this all to be over asp!

[ModKonnie]

Pike,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your soulmate. What a terribly tragic circumstance for you both. I know that you want this life to be over, but honestly, things will get better one of these days. It sounds as though you need to seek some counseling or talk to your doctor about depression. Do you have any support at home?

Your love sounds like an awesome woman. You will have to tell us all about her when you can. Feel free to post her picture, too. There are others here that have also lost their true love. They may be able to offer you some encouragement and advice.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

I lost the love of my life 2/9/2011, 12:37PM. I've been totally lost since! The hospital she was in released her and sent us home when she was still having these terrible pains in her stomach! They just gave her a shot of morophene and sent us out the door! The next mourning she was almost incoherent. I called 911, they took her, (still in pain) to a different hospital who after a CT scan said she had a perforated bowel and was in pretty bad shape & couldn't perform the emergency surgery she needed so they were going to send her to the hospital that released her the day before but they said it'd be better if she was at a hospital in the city that would be better equipped to handle it so they sent her there. They said that it was too late, they refused to perform the emergency surgery and the next day after praying, speaking to her normal doctor and then our pastors I let them take her off the ventilator and the dozen or so IVs & left her in Gods hands. She lasted only a minuet and was gone! We were so in love! Every day I fell deeper in love with her and she did me too! I still catch myself saying, "I can't believe it!" even now, months after I lost her I've still been falling deeper in love with her only now it has turned into such a deep, deep pain! I never was one of those (me, I, my) kind of people! I've always looked out for others and since I took care of my beloved Robin Denise which I was just so glad that she was being well taken care of, I never really took much time to think about myself! I was so happy to have such a wonderful wife in every way! Now I find myself totally alone and although I've came a long way I still miss her so much! I still cry every day. Not as long but do several times through the day! I go to the cemetery every day, sometimes twice if I feel the need to! It's kind of like a sanctuary for me! I planted her favorite (red tea rose) plant and placed a hanging basket of petunias on a shepherds hook. Some stole them!

I'm so ready for my life to end now! This world has NOTHING for me now! I'm in NO WAY suicidal or anything like that! I'm just ready now! I lay in bed after I wake up wanting to fall back to sleep. I just came to realize that was because asleep I don't have to deal with reality! ME??? Me not wanting to deal with reality??? I'm the guy who ALWAYS embraced reality nomatter what it was! Man has this changed me! My beloved Robin Denise taught me what true unconditional love is! She was such a special person! So honest, full of life and always laughing! I WAS one of those cloun around guys who was always able to get that sweet laugh out of her! Now she's gone! I don't know what God has in store for me now but I DON'T want another! I will be buried with this ring on my finger! I only hope that God doesn't make me wait too long! I could go on and on but I'm not going to! I just want this all to be over asp!

[shellyku]

Dear Pike - I am soooo sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. Such a tragic event in your newly married life.

I must admit I was drawn to your story because my daughter Sarah died at the age of 29 last August 18, 2010.

She married her sweetheart while in the hospital 7 months before she passed from leukemia. It breaks my

heart for her husband as it does for you. Sarah and Andy (her husband) thought they would get through her

leukemia and though they knew it would be a tough road, they would come through the other side and go

on to a long happy married life. It was not to be. I can't tell you how my heart hurts for you. Please keep posting!

The people on Loss of an Adult Child, which is the most active thread on this website, are so kind and

compassionate and will talk with you and share with you their experiences on this awful we find ourselves on:

the loss of one that we loved so much. You are in my prayers, Pike!

[ericasmom]

Pike I am so moved by your aching heart and hope that you take the advice here and join us on the most active thread, loss of adult child, while your Dear Robin was not your child, she was your deepest heart, and so why not come share with folks that are actively working on their grief and helping others through the roughest spots. Do you still have contact with Robins parents or siblings? Do your friends support you in your grief? It is hard after the initial shock is gone for those who are our friends to know how to help us. I agree, therapy is a great way to begin finding out how to proceed in your life. I feel that between this site and therapy I found my way through the absolute horror of losing my Daughter. One pitfall for many is guilt, whether it is because we do find ways to move forward or for a zillion other reasons, and all of us here will tell you that while it is a normal phase in many grief stories, it can become a way to live and that needs to be dealt with. Even though it is simplistic in nature, try to think of what your Beloved would want for you if the tables were turned. What advice would she give to someone who lost their soul-mate? Listen closely to those answers and try to be kind to yourself along the way.

[pike]

Thanks for the kind words everyone! It's been over sis months now and I still wish God would take me outa here! I feel like an alien that crashed here on this planet and now I'm stuck here! I have my moments of almost normality! I only wish they lasted longer! I'm REALLY trying to get over this but so many things still going on! I just hope it's over real soon! My aunt was burried a couple months ago, my uncle is at home dying... What's going on with all this death around me??? Why not me??? I read in the bible that earth is just a copy of heaven and copies never have all the best of the original!

[Bpfeffer73]

I lost the love of my life 2/9/2011, 12:37PM. I've been totally lost since! The hospital she was in released her and sent us home when she was still having these terrible pains in her stomach! They just gave her a shot of morophene and sent us out the door! The next mourning she was almost incoherent. I called 911, they took her, (still in pain) to a different hospital who after a CT scan said she had a perforated bowel and was in pretty bad shape & couldn't perform the emergency surgery she needed so they were going to send her to the hospital that released her the day before but they said it'd be better if she was at a hospital in the city that would be better equipped to handle it so they sent her there. They said that it was too late, they refused to perform the emergency surgery and the next day after praying, speaking to her normal doctor and then our pastors I let them take her off the ventilator and the dozen or so IVs & left her in Gods hands. She lasted only a minuet and was gone! We were so in love! Every day I fell deeper in love with her and she did me too! I still catch myself saying, "I can't believe it!" even now, months after I lost her I've still been falling deeper in love with her only now it has turned into such a deep, deep pain! I never was one of those (me, I, my) kind of people! I've always looked out for others and since I took care of my beloved Robin Denise which I was just so glad that she was being well taken care of, I never really took much time to think about myself! I was so happy to have such a wonderful wife in every way! Now I find myself totally alone and although I've came a long way I still miss her so much! I still cry every day. Not as long but do several times through the day! I go to the cemetery every day, sometimes twice if I feel the need to! It's kind of like a sanctuary for me! I planted her favorite (red tea rose) plant and placed a hanging basket of petunias on a shepherds hook. Some stole them!

I'm so ready for my life to end now! This world has NOTHING for me now! I'm in NO WAY suicidal or anything like that! I'm just ready now! I lay in bed after I wake up wanting to fall back to sleep. I just came to realize that was because asleep I don't have to deal with reality! ME??? Me not wanting to deal with reality??? I'm the guy who ALWAYS embraced reality nomatter what it was! Man has this changed me! My beloved Robin Denise taught me what true unconditional love is! She was such a special person! So honest, full of life and always laughing! I WAS one of those cloun around guys who was always able to get that sweet laugh out of her! Now she's gone! I don't know what God has in store for me now but I DON'T want another! I will be buried with this ring on my finger! I only hope that God doesn't make me wait too long! I could go on and on but I'm not going to! I just want this all to be over asp!

I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. On August 2, 2011 at 4:21 pm, I watched the love of my life take his last breath. He was 38, same as me. He had an infection on his heart valve and had open heart surgery in January. That one went well. Then they don't know if it came back or if they didn't get it all the first time and he had to have another surgery on July 21. He didn't make it out of this one being so soon after the first one. He was put on an ECMO life support machine in an induced coma in hopes that his heart would strengthen with rest. But it didn't, instead we watched him slip further away from us untill his whole body started shutting down. 12 terrifying days of this untill Aug 2nd when he took his last breath. I have nightmares about that and seeing him in the funeral home. They keep me up at night. I feel like I'm gonna go crazy wanting him back, knowing that isn't possible. We were so happy together. We were so close, closer then close. Doesn't it make you want to scream because you want then to hold you so bad to take the pain away and of course they can't. And no one else's hugs will do, only their hugs and love and strength and smell and just the feel of them in your arms. And so because they are not here you don't get any hugs, you hug their pillow instead and dare someone to call you crazy. I go to work, I have conversations with people and I have made plans for outings with my family and even his family but the whole time you're doing this you want to scream that you hate this part, hate the pretending. I would rather be at home cuddled up to my love watching a movie. I feel like I'm always one step behind with my thoughts, my grief. Like I'm standing on the outside of myself watching myself trying to "live" and feeling so empty and so broken inside. I hate breathing. He called me his Babydoll and treated me like one..always. We promised eachother always. It's like I guess he did give me his always, but what am I supposed to do with my always now, it was meant for him. I was Mike's girl, so who am I now? I still just want to be Mike's girl. It all just hurts too much, I hate waking up in the morning. I go to a grief support group, it helps, but nothing will take away our loss and pain. Again, I'm sorry for your loss, I know only too well how crippling the loss of the love of your life can be

[Bpfeffer73]

I lost the love of my life 2/9/2011, 12:37PM. I've been totally lost since! The hospital she was in released her and sent us home when she was still having these terrible pains in her stomach! They just gave her a shot of morophene and sent us out the door! The next mourning she was almost incoherent. I called 911, they took her, (still in pain) to a different hospital who after a CT scan said she had a perforated bowel and was in pretty bad shape & couldn't perform the emergency surgery she needed so they were going to send her to the hospital that released her the day before but they said it'd be better if she was at a hospital in the city that would be better equipped to handle it so they sent her there. They said that it was too late, they refused to perform the emergency surgery and the next day after praying, speaking to her normal doctor and then our pastors I let them take her off the ventilator and the dozen or so IVs & left her in Gods hands. She lasted only a minuet and was gone! We were so in love! Every day I fell deeper in love with her and she did me too! I still catch myself saying, "I can't believe it!" even now, months after I lost her I've still been falling deeper in love with her only now it has turned into such a deep, deep pain! I never was one of those (me, I, my) kind of people! I've always looked out for others and since I took care of my beloved Robin Denise which I was just so glad that she was being well taken care of, I never really took much time to think about myself! I was so happy to have such a wonderful wife in every way! Now I find myself totally alone and although I've came a long way I still miss her so much! I still cry every day. Not as long but do several times through the day! I go to the cemetery every day, sometimes twice if I feel the need to! It's kind of like a sanctuary for me! I planted her favorite (red tea rose) plant and placed a hanging basket of petunias on a shepherds hook. Some stole them!

I'm so ready for my life to end now! This world has NOTHING for me now! I'm in NO WAY suicidal or anything like that! I'm just ready now! I lay in bed after I wake up wanting to fall back to sleep. I just came to realize that was because asleep I don't have to deal with reality! ME??? Me not wanting to deal with reality??? I'm the guy who ALWAYS embraced reality nomatter what it was! Man has this changed me! My beloved Robin Denise taught me what true unconditional love is! She was such a special person! So honest, full of life and always laughing! I WAS one of those cloun around guys who was always able to get that sweet laugh out of her! Now she's gone! I don't know what God has in store for me now but I DON'T want another! I will be buried with this ring on my finger! I only hope that God doesn't make me wait too long! I could go on and on but I'm not going to! I just want this all to be over asp!

I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. On August 2, 2011 at 4:21 pm, I watched the love of my life take his last breath. He was 38, same as me. He had an infection on his heart valve and had open heart surgery in January. That one went well. Then they don't know if it came back or if they didn't get it all the first time and he had to have another surgery on July 21. He didn't make it out of this one being so soon after the first one. He was put on an ECMO life support machine in an induced coma in hopes that his heart would strengthen with rest. But it didn't, instead we watched him slip further away from us untill his whole body started shutting down. 12 terrifying days of this untill Aug 2nd when he took his last breath. I have nightmares about that and seeing him in the funeral home. They keep me up at night. I feel like I'm gonna go crazy wanting him back, knowing that isn't possible. We were so happy together. We were so close, closer then close. Doesn't it make you want to scream because you want then to hold you so bad to take the pain away and of course they can't. And no one else's hugs will do, only their hugs and love and strength and smell and just the feel of them in your arms. And so because they are not here you don't get any hugs, you hug their pillow instead and dare someone to call you crazy. I go to work, I have conversations with people and I have made plans for outings with my family and even his family but the whole time you're doing this you want to scream that you hate this part, hate the pretending. I would rather be at home cuddled up to my love watching a movie. I feel like I'm always one step behind with my thoughts, my grief. Like I'm standing on the outside of myself watching myself trying to "live" and feeling so empty and so broken inside. I hate breathing. He called me his Babydoll and treated me like one..always. We promised eachother always. It's like I guess he did give me his always, but what am I supposed to do with my always now, it was meant for him. I was Mike's girl, so who am I now? I still just want to be Mike's girl. It all just hurts too much, I hate waking up in the morning. I go to a grief support group, it helps, but nothing will take away our loss and pain. Again, I'm sorry for your loss, I know only too well how crippling the loss of the love of your life can be

[Sole-Mate]

I promised my Wife that I would be by her side when she was ready to move on. She did not want to be on life support and I was to be there and prepare the way for her passing. She was ill for the most part of our 19 years together and in that time I learned about Love and Grace and Dignity as she never complained and people did not know how bad she was until she passed away. I did everything I could to help obtain her goals in Life and you always knew but not really knew that she was only a heartbeat away from the end. But, it was not in front of us, but it was always there in the air. She was happy and such a ball of fire and her motto to me from the first day that I met her was "It's not dress reheasral, you only go around once in Life!" And she lived her life like there was no tomorrow. To have that type of sense about oneself; to have that outlook; and to be around such a person it makes you feel the loss in everyday matters all of the time. She supported me in everything and I supported her in everything; we talked everyday for 19 years even when I was overseas and traveling; one day she is here, then the next day she is gone. The emptiness begins and continues but I do talk to her everyday and write her letters often, but I do not sign the letters since it would seem to me that I am acknowledging her absence. She passed away into a new part of this Life; I do miss her being here with me all of the time, and it is hard to be human without that "Best Friend" beside you....we need that attachement and human interaction. I too feel that I am ready and wanting to move on....You find your truist friend and they have departed. I am the last one to tell anybody what to do or feel, but I am just expressing my experiences and the only thing that keeps me going on is that I take care of Debra's White Husky, Bear. I could never fathom leaving him alone and letting him fall into the hands of someone else to determine his fate. So, he is sort of my cataylst and he energizes me and I am able to keep moving forward or at least I try to make my way forward...Take care of yourself and we will all be with our Best Friends in due time...We just need to honor them by living the best and fullest lives that we can while we are preparing ourselves...

[Attaining Peace]

I'm sure you are right in honoring them and your self by living life to the fullest that you can while we are preparing ourselves for the next logical step of joy into the re-emergence into the nonphysical form from which we came. Life to me isn't about avoiding the inevitable but enjoying the inevitable as it is. (not to sure about the purpose of life my self but I'm sure we lived before and live after) One saying I hang onto about the purpose is "to what degree have we learned to love". To that I send my love and support to you.

I promised my Wife that I would be by her side when she was ready to move on. She did not want to be on life support and I was to be there and prepare the way for her passing. She was ill for the most part of our 19 years together and in that time I learned about Love and Grace and Dignity as she never complained and people did not know how bad she was until she passed away. I did everything I could to help obtain her goals in Life and you always knew but not really knew that she was only a heartbeat away from the end. But, it was not in front of us, but it was always there in the air. She was happy and such a ball of fire and her motto to me from the first day that I met her was "It's not dress reheasral, you only go around once in Life!" And she lived her life like there was no tomorrow. To have that type of sense about oneself; to have that outlook; and to be around such a person it makes you feel the loss in everyday matters all of the time. She supported me in everything and I supported her in everything; we talked everyday for 19 years even when I was overseas and traveling; one day she is here, then the next day she is gone. The emptiness begins and continues but I do talk to her everyday and write her letters often, but I do not sign the letters since it would seem to me that I am acknowledging her absence. She passed away into a new part of this Life; I do miss her being here with me all of the time, and it is hard to be human without that "Best Friend" beside you....we need that attachement and human interaction. I too feel that I am ready and wanting to move on....You find your truist friend and they have departed. I am the last one to tell anybody what to do or feel, but I am just expressing my experiences and the only thing that keeps me going on is that I take care of Debra's White Husky, Bear. I could never fathom leaving him alone and letting him fall into the hands of someone else to determine his fate. So, he is sort of my cataylst and he energizes me and I am able to keep moving forward or at least I try to make my way forward...Take care of yourself and we will all be with our Best Friends in due time...We just need to honor them by living the best and fullest lives that we can while we are preparing ourselves...

[Forsaken1]

Pike, I am so sorry for your loss, man. I know exactly what you are going through because my wife died on Dec 10th of last year. I dont have a reason to go on either. Like you, I am not suicidal but I hope God takes me from this place before long because living with this kind of loss is nearly unbearable. Our wives would want us to go on and try to make life happy for us again. I'm not sure how to do that but I guess we gotta try. I lost my wife just before Christmas so this time of year is hard. I'm angry and sad at the same time and I know you must feel the same way. If you ever want to chat personally, please feel free to send me a private message or I can give you my email address. Might do us both some good to talk, vent, and figure a way to regain some sort of normal life.

Take care, Pike.