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getting back nto life


bigmikesmom

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[align=left]how do you get back into life? my son mike was killed in an auto accident when the other guy failed to stop at the stop sign. It was Thanksgiving day nov 23, 2006. He had just come home from college for the weekend. my husband, grandma and myself were in the car behind the one with my 2 sons in. i didn't see the collision but was there immediately following as we were a few yards behind. my beautiful son michael was still breathing but unconscious,he died at the scene.my other son was life flighted and is physically ok. he lost his only sibling and best friend. the trial keeps getting postponed.my husband says i am obsessed about mike. i do not want to do anything. i just want to be with mike. i am a spritual person and my faith in God is strong. He is getting me through.I also lost my job, when i went back after 6 weeks. they said i was a different person.i am not working and i am scared to go back to work. i am seeing a grief counselor and started anti-depressant med. I am so sorry for all of you because we are all going through this.does anyone have any suggestions. my family is broken. my heart is broken. it's not fair for any of us. i know we have to hold onto the hope and truth that we will see them again but that could be a long time.

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It has only been a little over a year since your loss and many things remain unresolved because of the pending trial.  I did not have to go through a trial because my son's death was an accident, but I have heard that it is hard to grieve fully until after the trial is finished.  I am sure some other moms and dads here have more experience in that. 

I am glad you have a strong faith.  That is the only thing that has helped me keep going after the most awful loss I have ever experienced.  Losing my son was something I never imagined could actually happen.  Starting to live again almost feels wrong and makes me feel guilty to make new happy memories with my other children. Joshua should be there in our Christmas pictures, Joshua would have loved to come swimming, Joshua would want to go on a camping trip with us.  But I have found for the other children and for myself that I have to do things that are fun and start to make new memories without him. That is the key word....without him.  I still hate it.  I don't want to make memories without my Josh.   We do talk about him and how much he would like something or how much he would hate it.  :)  It is still really hard.  I find I can smile some of the time now....better then in the first few months.  I also cry still.  Be gentle on yourself.  Try to be open to spending time with your living son doing some fun things and don't be afraid to remember your Heavenly boy.  The sharp grief will slowly turn into bittersweet memories that make you smile even when you feel sad missing him.  May the peace that passes all understanding envelop you and your family.

Sal

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Don't be so hard on yourself.  Each of us grieves in our own way and at a different pace.  My daughter was murdered on August 25, 2006 and there isn't a single day when I don't cry for her.  You need to take your time and find your way.  Antidepressants helped me the first few months and counseling was really helpful.  Just being able to talk to an outsider who wasn't part of the family and who listened to me was very freeing.  Also, if your local police or prosecutors office have a support group for survivors of homicide victims that is a good resource too.  Because, even though your son was in a traffic crash, his death was caused by someone else's actions and if they are being prosecuted for it, you need help getting through the trial.  Don't be worried about what other people think, just take care of yourself.  That is what your son would want.  I'm sorry that your employers weren't supportive of you.  Unfortunately, it seems that happens to a lot of us.  Good luck and God bless you.  I'll be praying for you.

 

Helen

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[align=left]Thank you so much for your kind words.My counselor told me today the same thing "I am being too hard on myself" I never even thought that. But your right I feel like I should be doing more than I am.God Bless you! I am sorry for your loss !

Bigmikesmom

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loveyoujustin

BIGMIKESMOM;  I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL.  I FEEL THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH MY JUSTIN, BUT I REALLY ALWAYS WAS.  HOWEVER YOU FEEL, AND WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THE DAY IS WHAT IT IS, AND YOU JUST NEED TO HELP YOURSELF.  IT TOOK ME ABOUT THREE MONTHS TO "GET OUT OF THE VERY DEEP, DARK HOLE" AND GET OUT OF BED AND FUNCTION AT ANY LEVEL, BUT I REALIZED THAT I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE, AT LEAST FOR THE SAKE OF MY OTHER TWO CHILDREN.  YOU DIDN'T MENTION YOUR CHILDREN'S AGES, BUT I READ A "SELF HELP GRIEF" BOOK, AND THEY INTERVIEWED ADULTS WHO HAD LOST SIBLINGS WHEN THEY WERE TEENAGERS, AND THEY SPOKE OF HOW THEY BECAME REALLY "MESSED" UP, MOSTLY BECAUSE OF THE TRAUMA AND REACTIONS OF THE PARENTS.  IT WAS THEN I DECIDED TO TRY TO DO THE BEST I COULD FOR MY OTHER KIDS, BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR, AND DIDN'T DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR WORLD CRASH IN FOR GOOD.  ANOTHER "REVELATION" I HAD WAS THAT THIS WAS NOT ALL ABOUT ME, AND MY BROKEN HEART, AND MY GRIEF, BUT IT WAS ABOUT MY BELOVED SON, AND HIS LIFE, AND HOW I NEEDED TO LIVE, AND HONOR HIS LIFE AND HIS MEMORY IN ANY WAY I CAN, AND MAKE SURE THAT HE WILL NEVER, EVER BE FORGOTTEN.  I KNOW DEEP IN MY SOUL, I WILL NEVER TRULY FEEL REAL HAPPINESS OR JOY AGAIN IN LIFE, BUT I CAN TRY TO HONOR JUSTIN'S LIFE, WHILE AT LEAST "GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS" FOR  THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MY OTHER TWO CHILDREN.  SORRY TO BE RAMBLING.  I DO THAT ALOT THESE DAYS.  KEEP COMING HERE.  YOU WILL FIND SUPPORT, COMPASSION, AND FRIENSHIP WITHOUT JUDGEMENT FROM THOSE WHO FEEL YOUR PAIN, AND TRULY UNDERSTAND YOUR HEARTACHE.  WISHING YOU PEACE AND LOVE.

TRISH

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That is exactly how I feel!How can I create new memories without Mike and I don't want too! I just want to stay home and be by myself and think about and hold Mike in my heart and keep him in my thoughts.I don't want to let go.I only have 1 other son and he is 23 and doesn't live at home. I feel I don't have to put on a pretense of being "OK" I give him love and attention when I see him but he works and goes to college so I don't get to see him that much.How long ago did your Josh enter eternal life? How old was he? Thanks for caring and God Bless You!

Bigmikesmom

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Thank you Trish for your reply. Your son is so handsome. He looks like such a happy person. When did he enter eternal life and how old was he? Did you end up taking any anti-depressant medication? What do you do to always keep him to be remembered. You said you ramble on. I feel that way. I can't think like I used too. I can't remember things, even from 1 minute to the next.My concentration is terrible. That is part of the reason I am afraid to go back to work. Thanks again and God Bless YOU!

Big Mikes Mom

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[user=18955]bigmikesmom[/user] wrote:

That is exactly how I feel!How can I create new memories without Mike and I don't want too! I just want to stay home and be by myself and think about and hold Mike in my heart and keep him in my thoughts.I don't want to let go.I only have 1 other son and he is 23 and doesn't live at home. I feel I don't have to put on a pretense of being "OK" I give him love and attention when I see him but he works and goes to college so I don't get to see him that much.How long ago did your Josh enter eternal life? How old was he? Thanks for caring and God Bless You!

Bigmikesmom

Joshua was almost 11 when he left his earthly body in a swimming accident last summer,  July 20, 2007.  I have had to put my 9 year old on an anti-depressant medication because he saw Joshua go down the river and couldn't save him.  He was very close and they slept in the same room.   I am reading a book to him called "90 minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper.  It has really helped him feel better about where Joshua is right now.  It has also given me alot of comfort.  I am a Christian and really believe Joshua is in Heaven, but I have found our human minds have trouble grasping what we can not sense with our own human senses.  My emotions are still all over the place.  Joshua was such an integral part of our family's daily life that we have to all adjust to a new "normal" that isn't normal or happy.  Here we go with the rambling bit....sorry.  Something about losing a child makes us all so longwinded.  Anyways, I am coping.  Some days better then others.  But I hate it.  I want him back and I cant have him.  God knows why Joshua couldn't stay longer with me, but I dont.  I am not angry with God because I really do believe that, "God works all things together for the good of those who believe according to his will."   But I am still heartbroken everyday.  I don't feel disloyal to Joshua for enjoying things, but I do feel this weird guilt feeling when I make new fun memories that don't include him.  This ache that he should be a part of this.

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dear wyoming sal, i am so so sorry. how rerribly tragic.you are so smart getting your son on anti-depressant therapy.i will pray for him. i know that we believe our sons our in heaven but we still miss them terribly. when i pray ,and i believe my prayers will be answered, i pray "please God bring mike back" and then i get scared that my prayer will be answerd and i hurry up and say "no, i don't mean it, i know he is happy in heaven with You," but i want him with me. i then pray that i will go to heaven soon. it is so wierd because how can i say that when i love my other son and husband ,see now i am rambling.i think it would be so much harder going down this road if i had younger children like you do. i am inspired by you.you are a very loving and self-less person. i will pray for you and your family.God Bless!

Big Mikes mom-patti

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i forgot to tell you that i read that book.it was helpful. the other devotional book that has helped me is called Streams in the Desert by lb cowman it is a daily devotional and relates to the bible verse but in normal everyday speech. An example from the bookis "Leave revenge to God" and then it has a page about that, in my case that helped me because it was vehicular homicide and also loosing my job. It is an awesome book and i start my day by reading it

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I lost my 21 year old daughter Verna (Pickel) October 10, 2001  she was going to work and a drunk driver ran her off the road.  She left the house a beautiful full of life young  woman and 3 miles later was an angel.  The pain is now as much a  part of the person you became the moment your Mike  became an angel as breathing or eating , time will not heal your pain but as time passes the pain will become softer.

 

how do you get back into life?

You have to find a way to live the rest of your life instead of spending the rest of your days without your Mike.

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You are so right ..how do we cope with this everlasting empty feeling?...wondering and not wanting to wonder about the future without our beloved sons...mamabet, trudi, donna I feel you in my heart everytime I log on to bi and find new postings..I missed trudi for the few days I didnt see her reassuring postings...then read about her expierience when she saw her sons pictures when visiting his girlfriend of 10 years ....my heart hurts and I feel the pain everyone is going through...for I am going through the same emptiness, aching heart, think think think....what if...why...everything is now a question...I was such a driven person...now I feel as if nothing matters....questioning god as to why I am being punished like this..sometimes I get so sad my heart hurts soo bad ..I really dont know what to do....my son was 25 years old..but for some reason all my thoughts and memories of him go back..back to when he was a little boy...as I type  these words ..I have extreme and excrutiating pain in my heart.....I can only cry and keep telling myself ...hes not here...he's not here anymore and theres nothing you can do about it..but handle all of it....remember his voice ..and laugh and how much of a happy person he was....even this (memories) ....thinking and mentioning memories...of how once upon a time I had my son...who I thought would be a part of my life till I died...and instead he died..and my heart died with him....

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Jackie - haven't quite been able to do more than read posts of late.  Sorry your brother gave you such a hard time about Micheals death.  I guess each of us in one way or another have a guilt within that makes the loss harder. Maybe he too is wondering what he could have done to change the outcome, it is hard to look within, easier to blame others sometimes......as you say though.....too late.

Its been 11 months since Micheal died and with Christmas it seems all too hard.  Melissa (Mikes sister) added music to his Memorial site.  Something technical I couldn't do.  On her page she plays Christine Agurilla song HURT.  I cried and cried when I heard it.  Each and everyone of us had contact with Micheal in his last days.  To imagine him gone was impossible....to think of a thousand things we coulda shoulda or woulda done is so easy now.....but realistically (I hate that phrase) there was nothing we could do........he is gone......my son, my browned beautiful boy.  I too remember the child who came before the man when I think of Micheal.  He may have been 31 when he died but to me he was a bundle in a bunny rug with a head of brown hair, a toddler with a cheeky grin, a proud 1st grader, basketballer, Debutaunte partner, a son, a brother, a nephew, a grandson, a lover and a father.....I miss each and every part of him each day.

I think of you on your journey and as many have said before me..... I wish I had the magic to make the pain go away.......Trudi

 

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Melissa added this to Micheals memorial along with music Micheal loved.  It resonates with me each time I hear it......thank you 'Lisa.....

"Hurt"

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss

You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that

I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

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that's lovely, trudi.

as far as how to get back into life, i do not, cannot think that far ahead. in the 2 years cait has been gone i still find much of life a chore.

i spent today sobbing for her. i want her back. it's just that simple, and without that, i have not found a way to be glad i am still alive. i love my son every bit as much as caitlin, i love my grandson...but this pain oft times makes being alive excrutiating.

i find myself remembering her sweet face and then am side swiped by the reality that she is now gone! it still happens. i just cannot believe it sometimes.

annie

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/

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I wish I had an answer for you, but am so very sorry that I don't. I lost my 22 year old son, Ray, on 10/09/03. I found out about his death at 6:30 a.m. that morning when the state police woke me and my husband. It's been 4 years, 2 months and 21 days, but I have not moved from the moment I learned of my son's death. I too think of nothing but my Ray. My only consolation is knowing that each moment that I live without him places me closer to my end, the time that we will be together again.

Bless you in your time of sorrow. You will never walk the path of grief alone.

Isabelle,

Ray'sMom

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iSABELLE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY. IT MADE ME FEEL ,NOT SO QUILTY,ABOUT NOT "GETTING BACK INTO LIFE" i WILL TAKE EACH DAY,EACH HOUR AS IT COMES. I AM SO SORRY FOR YOU ALSO. GOD BLESS YOU!

pATTI-BIG MIKES MOM

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This forum is exactly what I have been feeling for the past almost three years.  Griffins Day is Jan 1, (05)-and although I thought it would be "easy", "laid back", OK?...it's not.  That last day is really different from all the others. The talk of making new memories, starting new lives, not wanting to let go, or move on, expressing (lost this whole ting trying to highlight...) childhood memories-(Griffin was 17, almost 18 at the time of the crash)-some of his friends are coming over for a candlelighting thing we do anually- it's become quite a ritual...we will see, as even that changes. Really, no one loves your kid more than you- no one misses him more, longs for them more, feels more guilt...and on and on...than his mother (and father,not in my experience yet)...and I have a three year old who was 2 months old when the crash occurred.  She misses her brother...guess that's my fault for keeping Griffin alive on our family- OH-My Bad- feeling a ramble coming on, so signing off...

Happy New Years! (Just loving the holidays, ya know?)

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GIFFINS MOM, I AM SO SO SORRY, I CAN'T SAY I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE EACH RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT, BUT I FEEL FOR YOU BECAUSE I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE SAME FEELINGS. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE??? I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR DAY -ANGEL DATE. THAT IS GOOD YOU DO THE CANDLE LIGHTING. I DID A BALLOON RELWEASE AT THE CEMETARY NOV 23,2006. I GOT MARKERS AND EVERYONE WROTE A MESSAGE ON THEIR BALLOON TO MIKE AND WE RELEASED THEM AT THE SAME TIME. I KNOW NOONES PAIN CAN BE LIKE A MOMS BUT IT DID ME GOOD TO HELP THE OTHERS WHO CAME, IN SOME WAY, EVEN WITH A HUG.GOD BLESS YOU!

PATTI

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Getting back into life? Thats a difficult concept for me, thats for sure. I am alive, although I feel dead. Its been less than 2 months since David has died, but the phone calls and visits from "friends" have long stopped. How the heck am I supposed to move on, when all I want to do is go back? I cannot imagine any of this ever getting any easier, as part of my very being is gone. I am broken in a way which cannot be fixed, so the way I see it I will only be "surviving". I just hope to have an occassional "good" day.

Have any of you also experienced the complete disappearance of people you thought cared for you? This is one of the most disturbing things...not even for Christmas. Family even!! Besides that, my father died on THIS YEARS Christmas, just 7 weeks after my son David. I don't know how much more loss I can take.

david_____.jpg

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Lisa.  I'm so sorry you are going through the abandonment of loved ones getting back to life.  We all experience it.  I learned over time that those people do still care for me and love me, including friends and family that carry on and fail to recognize my pain.  I don't think they fail to recognize...it's just that they can't possibly feel it like we do, so their response is directly associated with their own level of loss--which isn't as deep as our own.  I remember being so heartbroken and forgotten after people stopped expressing and acknowledging.  It has been 17 months since Joey's gone, but I still grieve--especially during holidays and family dinners and such when his chair at the table sits empty.  I am a missionary living abroad now, but I went home this Chistmas for a time with my family.  The first few weeks were difficult being there without Joey there.  And while it was slightly acknowledged, it was life goes on for the most part.  I could not escape the "silence" of Joey' being gone, because his absence screams loudly.  He was always the life and light in the room, making the most noise in life and having fun doing it.  It was quiet this year--very quiet.  Lat year we did not gather, so I didn't experience it as much as this year.  But even after a year and a half, and being the first family gathering, if anyone else felt his absence, it wasn't talked about much.  It was I who sparked memories out loud and said prayers including his name.  I didn't care if others were uncomfortable.  I need to remember and say his name out loud.  I NEED to do that!

This year I spent Christmas mostly with my son patrick, but we visited my mom and dad both on Christmas Eve.  There had been a meltdown of emotions at my mom's earlier in the week, which I still cannot really understand, but it led her husband to purposely not speak one word to me during our visit there on Christmas, no matter how hard I tried to address him or engage in a conversation.  Talk about uncomfortable and feeling super-rejected.  I felt very lonely there and very lost.  I missed Joey so much, but no one really seemed to care how I might be feeling on that evening.  My brother and his wife had been visiting from Florida, and at my mom's was the only place (besides a Christmas Eve church service) where I could see him.  The social air toward me at mom's was so weird, I didn't really relax enough to enjoy the short visit.  AT church I was invoted to sit with my brother and his wife--but i guess it turned into me holding their seats while they ran around visiting with everyone else before the service.  SUPER-rejected again.  I went and sat with my son and left them to their social affairs.  I cried silently and my son comforted me, felling badly for what he was seeing me experience on a day that should have been full of love and compassion for one another.  Here I was feeling so rejected, because I was rejected by people who "love me", and on Christmas no less.  The time with my dad was nice, and a lot of love was felt.  Still no one really knew my pain on that day.  It's really sad.  isn't it?

My point is that we all feel rejected and abandoned after we experience a loss that no one else can relate to, much less understand the dpeth of what we feel.  I'm so sorry for you that it has you feeling so alone and lonely.  But please know that good firends here who do understand and can relate will stand in the gap of our lonliness with compassion and understanding when no one else can or will.  I love my family and friends dearly, and I carry on in relationships with them trying to cut slack because how could they possibly feel what I do?  But it hurts nonetheless.  My thoughts and prayers are with you this day as you journey onward.  I pray your lonliness will subside as you become more involved here with others who know and care.  God bless you and keep you, always, Claudia   

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Thank you Claudia...Looking back over my posts here just in a few short days, I sure have done some unloading. I hope everyone understands. (I am sure they do) but I hope I didn't do any triggering. I guess I have been feeling even more unusually vulnerable the past week, over the Holidays...I am so glad to have found this forum, all ready I see it will be a place of kindness, support, and understanding. I have needed this for awhile now. All of my thoughts are with David, and although I may look like I am "sailing" on the outside, to community members who don't know me wekk, even to some family, I am dying inside and need to share these feelings. Thank you again.

Love

Lisa

Davids mom

MINEFOREVER.jpg

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griffinsmom

OK

I went to a Victim Impact Panel talk given by 2 people- one whose teenage daughter was killed in a car accident by another teen- underage drinking-they were not related, she was with her familyin a separate car at the time......and a sherrif who lost both his legs doing a roadside thing when a drunk driver slammed into him.  As I listened to the story of Sarah- I just couldn't keep it together.  Really, I can usually keep it together- but I just had my head in my hands crying uncontrollably, feeling what she was saying.  Then, I gave the same attention to Don's story, as he sat in his wheelchair, no legs at all, and I found that I felt bad, wanted to give him all kinds of advice of things to do- but really, I could not really and truly feel his pain=because I have both my legs, and simply cannot imagine what he goes through every day.

I guess I had an "epiphany".  I understood my friends, or lack of them- or their dissappearance from my life.....they just cannot relate for real.  They cannot really feel our pain- the real deal of our loss.  They have their children. They think of me like I think of Don. I feel really bad...maybe he should try kayaking....How ignorant of me.  Am I making sense? So, I try not to let my friends reactinos, comments or lack there of affect the way I choose to live or how I choose to keep Griffin close as possible. It's not their fault- they really just don't know.

Just my 2 cents worth.  Hey...Get ready for Mothers Day! :cool: Wow.

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[user=19011]lisaloring[/user] wrote:

Getting back into life? Thats a difficult concept for me, thats for sure. I am alive, although I feel dead. Its been less than 2 months since David has died, but the phone calls and visits from "friends" have long stopped. How the heck am I supposed to move on, when all I want to do is go back? I cannot imagine any of this ever getting any easier, as part of my very being is gone. I am broken in a way which cannot be fixed, so the way I see it I will only be "surviving". I just hope to have an occassional "good" day.

Have any of you also experienced the complete disappearance of people you thought cared for you? This is one of the most disturbing things...not even for Christmas. Family even!! Besides that, my father died on THIS YEARS Christmas, just 7 weeks after my son David. I don't know how much more loss I can take.

we experienced the exact same disapeance of friends, both when Rebecca was born disabled and again when she died at age 14 1/2 yrs. I dont know what it is with people, but they just cant deal with it, ( and we lost people I felt were good friends)

Susan

david_____.jpg

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[user=19011]lisaloring[/user] wrote:

Getting back into life? Thats a difficult concept for me, thats for sure. I am alive, although I feel dead. Its been less than 2 months since David has died, but the phone calls and visits from "friends" have long stopped. How the heck am I supposed to move on, when all I want to do is go back? I cannot imagine any of this ever getting any easier, as part of my very being is gone. I am broken in a way which cannot be fixed, so the way I see it I will only be "surviving". I just hope to have an occassional "good" day.

Have any of you also experienced the complete disappearance of people you thought cared for you? This is one of the most disturbing things...not even for Christmas. Family even!! Besides that, my father died on THIS YEARS Christmas, just 7 weeks after my son David. I don't know how much more loss I can take.

i have seen my sister who lives about 40 min away about 4 times since my daugher died 2 1/4 yrs ago, the first time was when I envited her and her family to dinner 10 months after Rebecca died  (  for Chrstmas ) then I ran into her at a craft store,  the next time was when she stopped in on the floor I work on when our mother was in hospital.  oh and she poped by on new years eve. can you believe my mother tells me my sister feels I fail to work at our relationship ?!  HELLO MY KID DIED!!  why am I the one who needs to work at the relationship?  but hey, thats my sister

david_____.jpg

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shellbellsmom

lisaloring,

Yes I too experienced the disappearing friends and family from my life shortly after my daughter’s death...Then they started calling once again.  I asked why and they said they were giving me my space to grieve...I think they just didn't know what to say, and they definitely didn't know how gut-wrenching the pain actually was.  There were times I didn’t get invited to something (I probably wouldn’t have felt like going anyways) and later found out and they said they figured that I wasn’t up for it….without even asking me.  That hurt.  Grief is very lonely…and there are times I don’t pick up the phone because I am not in the mood to talk…but other times wish someone would drop me a email, or give me a call just to say Hi.  I don’t know what the answer is…I just know this new life is sometimes too hard to deal with or understand.  Take Care.  Sue

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survivor22

Hi there, I can relate to feeling dead inside and simply going through the motions.....like auto pilot.....I lost my Mother Nov 11 2004, then in 2005 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and fought that year and survived, then I lost my son Paul, who was 26 and a twin,to suicide on June 2nd 2006, I then lost my friend Tammy to cancer Jan 1 2007, then my aunt in May and i lost my youngest son Scott on Oct 10 2007, he was 18 ,to a accidental drug overdose. I struggle to stay positive everyday and I try to keep an attitude of gratitude and most days I can do it......but I have days where the pain is so heavy I am not sure how to handle it. I feel like people avoid me because they no longer know what to say and I also feel at a loss for counseling as most counselors, although sympathetic, cannot not relate to what I have experienced. I know there has to be other people out there who can so I am reaching out.

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4everjoeysmom

Survivor, I'm so sorry for all of the loss you have had in your life over the past couple of years--seemingly more than one person can or should bear.  People who have not experienced one catastrophic loss no doubt cannot possibly relate to what you are experiencing having come through so many and in such a short time.  I think one common theme for most of us who have had friends fall by the wayside is that they expect us to somehow, in some way, come back into that friend and person they've always known.  The fact is that we are forever changed after a loss.  I cannot even begin to say I can understand the depths of how much with as many losses as you've incurred.  I do know there are others here who are surviving the death of multiple children, only children and parents, and so on, and I always feel encouraged that somehow we are able to come out of the shadows of death long enough to encourage one another, perhaps bring hope to those that have little or none, and network together as new friends and family that do understand one another, care, and have the love and compassion for one another that we so need from others as we journey through the emptiness and loneliness that such loss brings.

There are many "types" of loss threads here at BI, and some of us post on all or several, and others on just one.  I find that I have made friends on many threads, and each group is unique in its own fashion.  In each I have learned much and have found healing in different degrees, in different environments.  If you are up to it, try searching through some of the posts on the different threads to see if you find anything that speaks to you personally in a way that is helpful, encouraging, uplifting, calming, supportive--whatever.  It may take a little while to find a place that you feel comfortable.  But when you do, if you are able, I think you will like meeting new friends that can share insights and compassion.  I lost my oldest of two children in July 2006 and I have been here at BI since just a few months after.  It has been the best of counseling/therapy for me, and I've learned so much about myself and my life in grief in the process.  In time perhaps you can share your own insights that will help others.  It seems many of us find our path to healing when we find the strength and light to encourage others.  You have so much to sort through, and I am amazed at reading your post that most days you are managing.  Already I can say that I don't know that I could withstand all you have been through in the short time all has taken place.  My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you find in these web boards comfort and strength for the journey.  ~Claudia (4everJoey'sMom)   

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survivor22

I agree that reaching out to others helps us to heal. I already feel better knowing that you truly understand what it feels like to lose a child and I am not the only one going through this. Thank you!:)

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4everjoeysmom

Survivor, If and when you feel up to it, I know many others on the child loss board would love to meet Paul and Scott via your journey, photos, etc.  And there are those on the parent loss thread, and friend loss that can relate to other parts of your journey as well.  Essentially this is a wonderful outlet for being able to remember and share, where no one ever gets tired of hearing about the ones we love.  That's such good medicine...   Bless you, Claudia

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Survivor22 - I read your thread and as Claudia says, it seems that you have experienced on overabundance of loss in your life.  To come through a personal journey of cancer can many times bring strength, but to lose two sons is something I think has the potential to strip of us so much. 

Parents, friends, all those we come to know, love are a very large part of who we are and with each loss, a part of us is lost too.

If you are able, please seek external support.   This journey, especially with such losses is not one you should travel alone.  Also, come often and browse the threads within this site.  There are many that speak directly to your losses. 

I came here in around April 07 after losing my eldest son in the Jan.  I was truly lost at sea.........my parents gone, my heart body and soul broken beyond repair.  I was looking for a safe place to share my fears, my anger, my fragility and the pain I carried after Mike died.  I only hope while here you find that soft place to land, to recoup to be supported and understood.

This thread is called Loss of Child - Getting back into life.......The hardest thing is realising that the life we now have has changed forever......but it is still a life.....and that is something that takes time to understand.....

Most of all - Take Care of yourself...............Trudi

 

 

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survivor22

I thank you for your words of encouragement. I am very grateful that I still have two other children ( although I will always have 4- just 2 in spirit) and a wonderful granddaughter that gives me the strength to get up and keep going. I believe that you never truly die and that my boys are helping me from the other side. I know that healing takes time and my life is forever changed. I wrote this i yr after I lost Paul and ironically 4mths before losing Scott.......I tell my granddaughter when I have a sad day that "I 'm just having a miss you day!"

Just having a "miss you" day!

Your little girl has just turned eight,

She looks just like you and she hates to wait,

She says she sees you and that she has no fear,

And that she asks you things because you are still here!

It has been a year since you went away,

It is not supposed to be this way,

Moms are supposed to leave and sons are supposed to stay,

I'm just having a "miss you" day!

She's my strength now when I am sad,

She says that now your her "Angel Dad"

She has her times when she sheds tears,

But she has wisdom beyond her years!

It has been a year since you went away,

It's not supposed to be this way,

Moms are supposed to leave and sons are supposed to stay,

I am just having a "miss you" day!

I miss you most on Sundays,

The day I need God's grace,

And you know I would give anything,

To see your smiling face!

It has been a year since you went away,

It is not supposed to be this way,

Moms are supposed to leave and sons are supposed to stay,

I'm just having a "miss you" day!

I thank you again for your kind words

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4everjoeysmom

Survivor, Your poetic tribute to your son is beautiful.  It reflects so much love and connection between souls--three generations.  Thank you so much for sharing that sweet, intimatcy--part of you, your son, and your granddaughter, intertwined.  Bless you, Claudia 

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survivor22 -

It is not supposed to be this way, Moms are supposed to leave and sons are supposed to stay,

Such a heartfelt sentiment.  Your expression through words tells such a story with so many similarities. 

I have a grandbaby, not Mikes daughter,  she is 17 months old....she giggles at what seems nothing and points at Mikes picture on the wall and giggles again. She sees him! 

I have two earth bound children, both younger than Mike.  I always answer the question on how many children with the number 3.  I do have three, its a question of terrestrial geography that keeps us apart......

I am so glad you are finding support here......with the many times that descend without warning.....it helps to know someone is here......Take Care Trudi

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survivor22

I feel the same way the boys leave me signs especially on difficult days.......I had a hard day at work today and when I got there I found a dime on the floor and I knew they were with me. I try to focus on what I am grateful for and I am always grateful for the signs!

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