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replacing your mother's family role?


dizzydancingway

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dizzydancingway

My mom had cancer that came and took her very quickly and she died just two months ago. I'm in my mid-twenties and feel totally devastated and cheated by fate. I am handling my own greif fairly well, though. Am going to counseling and leaning on very supportive friends. I miss her constantly, but I am really doing my best to face my feelings and embrace the loss.

What I am not managing well is, well, my family. I live fairly close to my family and, since my mom's death, have been coming home almost every other weekend to spend time with them--and as a result have ended up taking care of a lot of the sorting of my mom's stuff, organizing, making plans. I feel guilty when I don't go home, but when I do go home I feel pressured to lend emotional support to everyone. I'm the only woman left in my immediate family and, as a result, seem to have inherited my mom's role as the nurturer without any desire to hold that role. The more I try to separate from that pressure, to assert boundaries, the more horribly guilty I feel. Like I am abandoning my dad. The men in my family seem incapable of reciprocating emotional support. When I try to back away, I am plagued with guilt and images of my dad all alone in his house, depressed with nobody to talk to. I don't know why I feel so responsible--it must be that I am the only daughter--and I don't know how to make these feelings go away.

I feel, in some ways, like I lost both of my parents, that there is nobody left to take care of me, and like I am expected to replace my mom and take care of everyone else. Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this role reversal upon the death of a parent? How did you cope?

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Yes I have that experience also, my mom pasted away when I was 14 and my little brother was 9. Well from then on out I took care of him, not finically but emotionally and I was his rock. I became his mom, I swallowed all my grieve and my hurt to be strong for him. He needed me it’s a natural instinct.

My advice is taken care of yourself too, make sure you are grieving the healthiest way you can. You can be there for your dad but take time for yourself too. Sometimes when our family needs us we must step up, they may need you because you are the only girl your mom must have been the leader of the family so they look at you the same way. Stay strong and just make sure to take care of yourself too

Wish you the best, im here if you ever need to talk.

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My mom had cancer that came and took her very quickly and she died just two months ago. I'm in my mid-twenties and feel totally devastated and cheated by fate. I am handling my own greif fairly well, though. Am going to counseling and leaning on very supportive friends. I miss her constantly, but I am really doing my best to face my feelings and embrace the loss.

What I am not managing well is, well, my family. I live fairly close to my family and, since my mom's death, have been coming home almost every other weekend to spend time with them--and as a result have ended up taking care of a lot of the sorting of my mom's stuff, organizing, making plans. I feel guilty when I don't go home, but when I do go home I feel pressured to lend emotional support to everyone. I'm the only woman left in my immediate family and, as a result, seem to have inherited my mom's role as the nurturer without any desire to hold that role. The more I try to separate from that pressure, to assert boundaries, the more horribly guilty I feel. Like I am abandoning my dad. The men in my family seem incapable of reciprocating emotional support. When I try to back away, I am plagued with guilt and images of my dad all alone in his house, depressed with nobody to talk to. I don't know why I feel so responsible--it must be that I am the only daughter--and I don't know how to make these feelings go away.

I feel, in some ways, like I lost both of my parents, that there is nobody left to take care of me, and like I am expected to replace my mom and take care of everyone else. Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this role reversal upon the death of a parent? How did you cope?

Hi Dizzydancingway,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dear mother. When my father died, suddenly, my mom seemed to have changed and couldn't make decisions. My siblings and I felt like we had sort of stepped into our father's role of helping her to manage finances and other things that he usually did.

I can say, though, that my dad has been gone almost two years, and mom is starting to become her old self. Your father should start to rebound at some point within the next few months, and your brothers will start to heal, too. They may be leaning on you for support because you are the only female and you remind them all of your mother. While it may be hard on you, in some ways, I guess you could consider that a compliment of sorts.

I felt guilty when I told my mother I couldn't come visit her, and when she would call after being alone for days. Finally, she made the decision to sell our family home and move closer to my sister and I (we live about a mile apart). If you live in another town from your father, and your siblings are not any closer geographically to him, would he consider moving? Would that help?

Two months is not a long time. Things will slowly return to a new order. In the meantime, go ahead and grieve. You don't have to always be strong; you can cry your eyes out if you want to. Everyone, including your dad will understand.

We will be here if you need us,

ModKonnie

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dizzydancingway

Thank you both for your kind responses! I guess what I forget is that I probably need to give my dad time to grieve as well, to learn to depend on himself, and, well, to grow up in the ways that my brother and I are having to. I'm trying to steer clear of "replacing" my mom, but at the same time trying to manage my guilt over not serving as a replacement for her, not quelling my dad's grief, not helping more...I think what I need to realize is that we all have to feel the loss in our on ways, as a family and as individuals.

Anyhow, it really helps to talk to people who understand, who have gone through and are going through similar experiences. While I am sorry to hear that you've faced your own losses, I appreciate your insight and support.

Thank you!!

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carolynsdaughter

Your post reminded me of my situation. My mother was truly the matriarch and when she died it was sort of assumed that I would take on that role. My father was lost without my Mom and I ended up moving in with him, and lived there for 2 years. I would say that the one thing that was most important for me to do what differentiate myself from my mother. Just because Mom made my father dinner every night doesn't mean I have. (Actually, I went on a cooking strike for a few weeks to drive down that point.)

Just try to take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I'm sorry you're going though this. I've been there and it's hard. It gets better.

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dizzydancingway

You know, when I do go home to stay with my dad, he actually does the cooking...and I really appreciate this. Its one area where I feel like he's the parent, like he's taking care of me. I don't feel that much anymore. My mom did all the caring and giving, so much that it seems the rest of my family never learned how to do so themselves. I've been told its important to establish that I am not my mother and the more that I emphasize the differences, the more my dad will learn to fill his own void...but its hard to shake the guilt I feel over not...well, taking care of everything. I hope it gets easier with time.

Thanks for your support! It does feel nice to hear that someone else understands. smile.gif

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