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Miss my dad.


SadRN

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My dad, age 63, died 2 weeks ago today. And my mom is very anxious and not handling the money thing well (so I'll be the executrix of the estate, manage things) and I am a nurse so everyone sees me as the strong, take charge type. And I am so very thankful he did not have to suffer and be in hospitals for months on end, but I just miss him so much. I feel myself getting tearful over the least little thing. Yesterday I was in a CPR certification renewal class and they were talking about oxygen masks and being careful not to scratch the eye, and dad had his eye scratched right before he died because of this and I just started crying. I feel like I did everything I could to help him, but I just want him here. He loved me and my son so much, and we loved him. My family (uncles, aunts, cousins) couldn't take it- taking care of him, the funeral, everything. And now they are calling and wondering about land and money and all that crap. And I just miss my dad. I think I am doing worse now that I've had some sleep and time. Help.

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EulogyAdvisor

Hi, SadRN,

I'm so sorry your dad died, and I understand how it feels when you're expected to be "the strong one." As the eldest of four adult children, I ended up in charge of much of my parents' care in the last couple of years of their lives. I didn't mind doing it, but it wasn't always easy. I gradually realized I had to learn how to take care of myself, because if I became too drained, I couldn't take care of them.

I went through similar things as you after my daughter died. She always loved for me to sing "Rock-a-Bye-Baby" to her when she was little, and I did it for years and years. A few weeks after she died, I remember going to an art exhibit at the National Art Gallery to try to get my mind off grief, even for a short time. The line to see the show was really long and it was the last day. It was a collection of works from Italy by the great master Titian, so if I wasn't willing to wait I wouldn't see them at all. There was a little boy, about three or four years old, standing with his mother, and he began to sing "Rock-a-Bye-Baby" over and over. Well, you can imagine how I felt, because it sounds like you went through something similar at your CPR class with the memory of the oxygen mask scratching your Dad's eye.

Please don't be surprised if things like this happen a lot, at least at first. When I was in the CVS one time, for gosh sakes, I just wept when "In the Arms of An Angel" came on the store music. Even today if at all possible, I think it is best to allow the feelings to wash over me, to just let them happen, rather than try to push them back in or pretend they're not there.

Regarding the land and money phone calls: Settling a will takes its own time, and calling you for information won't hurry things up for your relatives.

Did your dad have a lawyer or other professional person who set up his will and estate plan for him? Get advice from this person about what to say to the relatives. In fact, if there's a way you can refer them to the lawyer who's handling the estate when they call you, that would be good. Even if this person's services in this regard cost a little extra, believe me, you have earned a little relief. After my dad died I relied heavily on the lawyer who set up his will to help with handling executrix duties. He helped me through the steps and made all the legal stuff understandable.

Think of this this way: basically, you're an RN, right? A professional. And I bet you're really good at it. As executrix of your dad's estate, you have specific legal responsibilities, but they are not part of your profession as an RN. So, as a novice in this area, you need another professional--maybe your Dad's lawyer--to help you out.

And of course you feel bad. I remember being Superwoman when my daughter was sick and dying. Her dad fell apart, and I could handle lots things he couldn't. But inside I knew that I would grieve--hard--later. So when my husband began to pull himself together a little, I fell totally apart. Pay now or pay later, grief always takes its price, and to me it seems larger when you pay later (almost like interest on a credit card :(

You need even more rest, SadRN, but especially you need peace and you need time to grieve your Dad. You gave everything you had, and you were a pro. Now as executrix you need to give yet a little more, and for that I gently suggest it may be time to call in the pros from a new field of experts.

Loved once, loved forever .....

Fran

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Thank you, Fran, for your kind words and great advice! I appreciate the support. Our family had a nice night at our son's first baseball game. I am trying to enjoy the little things more. I have contacted my dad's attorney and also am using my attorney for the estate. The only will we are finding is something from when I was 4, so it is very vague but does give us something to go by. My mom seems a little better today. I think about him all the time, no matter what is going on. I wish he could have seen the ballgame last night. I appreciate you sharing your experiences- I don't know how you did it. I cannot imagine losing a child. But I guess we live each day and get through it and life goes on. Thank you again. And God bless you.

Hi, SadRN,

I'm so sorry your dad died, and I understand how it feels when you're expected to be "the strong one." As the eldest of four adult children, I ended up in charge of much of my parents' care in the last couple of years of their lives. I didn't mind doing it, but it wasn't always easy. I gradually realized I had to learn how to take care of myself, because if I became too drained, I couldn't take care of them.

I went through similar things as you after my daughter died. She always loved for me to sing "Rock-a-Bye-Baby" to her when she was little, and I did it for years and years. A few weeks after she died, I remember going to an art exhibit at the National Art Gallery to try to get my mind off grief, even for a short time. The line to see the show was really long and it was the last day. It was a collection of works from Italy by the great master Titian, so if I wasn't willing to wait I wouldn't see them at all. There was a little boy, about three or four years old, standing with his mother, and he began to sing "Rock-a-Bye-Baby" over and over. Well, you can imagine how I felt, because it sounds like you went through something similar at your CPR class with the memory of the oxygen mask scratching your Dad's eye.

Please don't be surprised if things like this happen a lot, at least at first. When I was in the CVS one time, for gosh sakes, I just wept when "In the Arms of An Angel" came on the store music. Even today if at all possible, I think it is best to allow the feelings to wash over me, to just let them happen, rather than try to push them back in or pretend they're not there.

Regarding the land and money phone calls: Settling a will takes its own time, and calling you for information won't hurry things up for your relatives.

Did your dad have a lawyer or other professional person who set up his will and estate plan for him? Get advice from this person about what to say to the relatives. In fact, if there's a way you can refer them to the lawyer who's handling the estate when they call you, that would be good. Even if this person's services in this regard cost a little extra, believe me, you have earned a little relief. After my dad died I relied heavily on the lawyer who set up his will to help with handling executrix duties. He helped me through the steps and made all the legal stuff understandable.

Think of this this way: basically, you're an RN, right? A professional. And I bet you're really good at it. As executrix of your dad's estate, you have specific legal responsibilities, but they are not part of your profession as an RN. So, as a novice in this area, you need another professional--maybe your Dad's lawyer--to help you out.

And of course you feel bad. I remember being Superwoman when my daughter was sick and dying. Her dad fell apart, and I could handle lots things he couldn't. But inside I knew that I would grieve--hard--later. So when my husband began to pull himself together a little, I fell totally apart. Pay now or pay later, grief always takes its price, and to me it seems larger when you pay later (almost like interest on a credit card :(

You need even more rest, SadRN, but especially you need peace and you need time to grieve your Dad. You gave everything you had, and you were a pro. Now as executrix you need to give yet a little more, and for that I gently suggest it may be time to call in the pros from a new field of experts.

Loved once, loved forever .....

Fran

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My dad, age 63, died 2 weeks ago today. And my mom is very anxious and not handling the money thing well (so I'll be the executrix of the estate, manage things) and I am a nurse so everyone sees me as the strong, take charge type. And I am so very thankful he did not have to suffer and be in hospitals for months on end, but I just miss him so much. I feel myself getting tearful over the least little thing. Yesterday I was in a CPR certification renewal class and they were talking about oxygen masks and being careful not to scratch the eye, and dad had his eye scratched right before he died because of this and I just started crying. I feel like I did everything I could to help him, but I just want him here. He loved me and my son so much, and we loved him. My family (uncles, aunts, cousins) couldn't take it- taking care of him, the funeral, everything. And now they are calling and wondering about land and money and all that crap. And I just miss my dad. I think I am doing worse now that I've had some sleep and time. Help.

Sad RN,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. My father passed away in August 2009. I can see how distraught you are right now. I am sure the people in your CPR class were very understanding. I broke down and cried at work several times. I couldn't help it.

Unfortunately, the wolves always start circling after a tragedy. It's so unfair and cold.

You are experiencing normal emotions. Some of the shock and numbness has probably worn off at this point, which is why you may feel worse, but in time, things will get better. It's just going to take a while. My mother still has problems handling all the financial matters, but she is getting better.

So was your father ill?

We would love to hear his story when you are able. He sounds like a wonderful man.

ModKonnie

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My father had been tired for a while and started having some back pain in February which he thought was a bad muscle strain. Then at the first of April he thought he had the flu or pneumonia. He also developed double vision and he went to the doctor. Turns out he had plasmacytoma (which we didn't get the biopsy reports back until the Monday after he died). He went into the hospital and was there 2 weeks, came home and had a few days and then got really sick. I stayed at his house the night he got worse and he almost fell so we called the ambulance. He died the next day surrounded by his family with multisystem organ failure. It was tough. 2 1/2 weeks after we was diagnosed with cancer he died. And the things that keep going through my mind are: when they told him he had cancer he cried and told me "I thought I'd outlive my daddy", and he wanted to take my son fishing one more time. He was such a kind man. Man, I miss him. Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement.

Sad RN,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. My father passed away in August 2009. I can see how distraught you are right now. I am sure the people in your CPR class were very understanding. I broke down and cried at work several times. I couldn't help it.

Unfortunately, the wolves always start circling after a tragedy. It's so unfair and cold.

You are experiencing normal emotions. Some of the shock and numbness has probably worn off at this point, which is why you may feel worse, but in time, things will get better. It's just going to take a while. My mother still has problems handling all the financial matters, but she is getting better.

So was your father ill?

We would love to hear his story when you are able. He sounds like a wonderful man.

ModKonnie

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EulogyAdvisor

Oh, gosh, SadRN, I'm sorry you lost him so quickly. 2 1/2 weeks is an awfully short time. My mother had multiple myeloma for 10 years, and my daughter had brain cancer for 6 months.

But I guess the amount of time our loved ones are ill doesn't really matter when they're gone, when figuring out how to live without them is so hard.

I'm glad your son got at least some time fishing with his grandpa. There's nothing like a couple of generations fishing together and the quiet exchange of information that goes on while the lines are in the water (don't want to scare off those fish :) --or if they did surf-casting, they got to holler and laugh a lot louder--together!

The kindness you describe in your dad doesn't just disappear. I'm sure your son will treasure those memories as he grows into a man his grandfather would be proud of.

Fran

My father had been tired for a while and started having some back pain in February which he thought was a bad muscle strain. Then at the first of April he thought he had the flu or pneumonia. He also developed double vision and he went to the doctor. Turns out he had plasmacytoma (which we didn't get the biopsy reports back until the Monday after he died). He went into the hospital and was there 2 weeks, came home and had a few days and then got really sick. I stayed at his house the night he got worse and he almost fell so we called the ambulance. He died the next day surrounded by his family with multisystem organ failure. It was tough. 2 1/2 weeks after we was diagnosed with cancer he died. And the things that keep going through my mind are: when they told him he had cancer he cried and told me "I thought I'd outlive my daddy", and he wanted to take my son fishing one more time. He was such a kind man. Man, I miss him. Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement.

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My father had been tired for a while and started having some back pain in February which he thought was a bad muscle strain. Then at the first of April he thought he had the flu or pneumonia. He also developed double vision and he went to the doctor. Turns out he had plasmacytoma (which we didn't get the biopsy reports back until the Monday after he died). He went into the hospital and was there 2 weeks, came home and had a few days and then got really sick. I stayed at his house the night he got worse and he almost fell so we called the ambulance. He died the next day surrounded by his family with multisystem organ failure. It was tough. 2 1/2 weeks after we was diagnosed with cancer he died. And the things that keep going through my mind are: when they told him he had cancer he cried and told me "I thought I'd outlive my daddy", and he wanted to take my son fishing one more time. He was such a kind man. Man, I miss him. Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement.

SadRn,

My father cried and it nearly destroyed me when he was told we were taking him home with Hospice. His face still haunts me, but I try to push it out of my mind and concentrate instead on happier memories. Even though he may not be here physically, when your son goes fishing again, he will always think of grandpa and feel that special warmth and love that his grandpa gave him on those trips. My children will always remember the love my father showed them. They talk about him with pride and happiness.

He sounds like a kind man. I know you miss him. You always will, but it will get easier.

How is your son handling all of this?

ModKonnie

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My son (6) cried a little at first and then was pretty quiet for 2 weeks. This past Sunday (exactly 2 weeks after dad died) we were at the pool and he started crying and talking about how much he missed his poppy and how he was glad he was happy in heaven but he missed him. It was so sad. I know it was good for him to get this out, but it broke my heart. We sat and cried and talked for about 20 minutes. He decided he wanted to make a book about poppy- and I think that's just a great idea.

SadRn,

My father cried and it nearly destroyed me when he was told we were taking him home with Hospice. His face still haunts me, but I try to push it out of my mind and concentrate instead on happier memories. Even though he may not be here physically, when your son goes fishing again, he will always think of grandpa and feel that special warmth and love that his grandpa gave him on those trips. My children will always remember the love my father showed them. They talk about him with pride and happiness.

He sounds like a kind man. I know you miss him. You always will, but it will get easier.

How is your son handling all of this?

ModKonnie

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My son (6) cried a little at first and then was pretty quiet for 2 weeks. This past Sunday (exactly 2 weeks after dad died) we were at the pool and he started crying and talking about how much he missed his poppy and how he was glad he was happy in heaven but he missed him. It was so sad. I know it was good for him to get this out, but it broke my heart. We sat and cried and talked for about 20 minutes. He decided he wanted to make a book about poppy- and I think that's just a great idea.

Awww. I am glad you both got the chance to talk and cry together. The book sounds like such a good idea. Are you able to look at pictures of your dad? I know it was terribly difficult at first for me to look at pictures of my father. Now, I can laugh and smile at them.

ModKonnie

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