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Is it wrong not to forgive?


missngkate

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This is my question.   Is it wrong that I can't forgive the person who murdered my daughter?  Why do so many people talk about how they "forgave" and how it helped them?  It's difficult to even talk about this criminal or think of him as a real person.  He was a sexual predator who kidnapped and murdered my daughter.  He killed  himself when the TV stations showed mall surveillance video of his car and of him grabbing her.  In other words, when  he knew he was going to be caught.  He should have killed himself 20 years ago when he started down this path.  I do not forgive him.  I do not forgive the people who lived with him and knew that he was sick and let him continue to prey on young women.  I do not forgive the court system in Ohio that let  him get off 20 years ago with a slap on the wrist.  Is this wrong?  What do you think?

Helen

 

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Helen,

Of course you are angry, who wouldn't be. You have lost one of the most if not the most important person in your life.   It isn't fair, it isn't right, it is horrible.  It is sheer agony.  You have a right to be angry and feel all the emotions and feelings that your are feeling.  

 I think most of the people who are eventually able to forgive have some time between them and their loss.  Slowly they have been able to let go of the anger because when they hold onto it too long it turns to bitterness and robs them of any potential joys they could have in the future.  It doesn't hurt the person who deserves to be hurt.  It just continues to hurt  in their own soul. 

I don't know if that helps at all.  I don't think there is a right or wrong time to forgive someone.  I think if you don't feel like you can then that is ok for right now.  Take care of yourself and go easy on yourself.  Don't concern your self with right or wrong feelings. 

Sal

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i have not spoken with anyone who has lost a child that is not angry at something; i am still angry about the negligence that i know made us lose caitie too soon.

we cannot force ourselves to forgive. you are dealing with the horrendous results of another who took your girl away! as sal said, take it easy on yourself and do not expect that which is well nigh impossible right now.

i also think there is a difference between not forgiving someone who took a terrible toll on our lives and actively hating them. it is something i struggle with, but i have found, for myself, the hate only harms me. the recipient doesnt' know of it or suffer because of it...only i am hurt by it.

take care of yourself, something which many of us find difficult to do now, especially at this holiday time.

annie 

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Thank  you for your kind responses.   You are right in that hate only breeds bitterness and more despair.  I try to stay positive in my daily life and we try to keep Kate's memory alive in a good way.  We have a scholarship fund at her old high school that is awarded to a girl interested in the arts.  I need to continue keeping focused on the great kid she was and not on the horrible way she died.  Thank you.

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[user=18870]missngkate[/user] wrote:

This is my question.   Is it wrong that I can't forgive the person who murdered my daughter?  Why do so many people talk about how they "forgave" and how it helped them?  It's difficult to even talk about this criminal or think of him as a real person.  He was a sexual predator who kidnapped and murdered my daughter.  He killed  himself when the TV stations showed mall surveillance video of his car and of him grabbing her.  In other words, when  he knew he was going to be caught.  He should have killed himself 20 years ago when he started down this path.  I do not forgive him.  I do not forgive the people who lived with him and knew that he was sick and let him continue to prey on young women.  I do not forgive the court system in Ohio that let  him get off 20 years ago with a slap on the wrist.  Is this wrong?  What do you think?

Helen

 

My gosh, this is horrible situation, and such a good topic for discussion. Of course, my son's death was surrounded by much different circumstances, but still, I have many people asking me, "How could forgive Matt (the driver of the car in which David died) so quickly"? I had forgivven Matt by the end of the first day David died. (Nov. 3) In fact, there were 5 boys in the car. Matt, the driver, broke his neck and was airlifted. Tony received massive internal injuries (luckily he had his seatbelt on!!) and was aitlifted. Jeff had a head injury, hip injury, and his ear was severed, after he was ejected from the back window, along side of my David. David was trapped, alive, under the car for more than 20 minutes, until he was smothered by the weight of the car and massive chest trauma. Tyler escaped with minor injuries physically. All of these boys carry the most heavy of emotional scars.

Matt has been charged in Davids death, as well as 4 counts of causing great bodily harm by intoxicated use of a motor vehicle. ALL of the boys, except Tony, were drinking. (for less than an hour) ALL of the boys were under legal drinking age, from 15 to 18. Matt took a chance, got behind the wheel, and his careless actions, and those of all of the boys, led to Davids death. Matt is facing up to 65 years in prison. He has been recovering from his injuries and is in jail awaiting trial.  The majority of people I know what Matt to pay for this. I forgave him almost immediately, and support him. I am very angry with him, as I am with all of the boys, including David. But, what I am most angry about is the fact that these boys were given alcohol by an adult man they know, and thus far, he has not even been given a citation. HE is one who is MOST responsible in my eyes.

Now, back to your situation, your pain is your own private hell. I cannot imagine living with the thoughts that you must think every day. (I have my own) The fact that this man was known to be a demon, and could have been stopped makes it all the worse.  I would be very angry too. But, anger is one thing, and forgiveness is another. For me, forgiving is a natual part of my being. Its part of what makes me, me. It doesn;t mean I think I am better, or that you are wrong. If I were to be unable to forgive those who have done any kind of wrong against me, I would be a complete basket case, angry at the world. I would be too full of anger to deal with anything. If I am able to keep my anger in check, and use my grief over the loss of David as a tool for change, thats what I have to do. Hatred of those responsible for his death would interfer with that.

But, you have to do what you are comfortable with, and what your faith teaches you. Its a very personal relationship, yours and God, and I can only pray you have one, if not, accept my apology for mentioning it. You see, my Faith is ALL I have which I know is real, everlasting, and eternal. It is the only Truth I know. Without it, I would have gone insane long ago.....You have to do whats right for YOU, whats in YOUR heart, and although talking about it with other will give different perspectives, its an action that only YOU can do. It may take a long while, and it may never happen. (but, in the meantime, I will pray your heart is softened, and it is filled with love of the memories of your dear daughter)

looking back at my rambling (hey, I am a grieving mama!) I am not sure if I even addressed your question, but I sure got a lot of my chest.

Lisa

David's mama

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[user=18870]missngkate[/user] - Helen, I am truly sorry for not only the loss of your beautiful child, but the circumstances that lead to her being taken away. 

While I grieve the loss of my son Micheal their are many things I have to be thankful for.  Micheal lived to be 31 yrs old.  He died a peaceful death, although the cause is still under investigation.  To lose my child in such horrendous circumstances would sorely test any belief or faith I might have ever had.

Anger at the loss of a child seems to be normal  (?), albiet personally destructive.  As time passes, I find my anger subsiding and my focus on my life with my son and my remaining family.

 To forgive, now that is something I find harder.  In your post I hear your anger and frustration.  If someone had only.......If he had taken his own life earlier.......If people had noticed.......bottom line if they had you would have your child.......My heart breaks with each word I read, I too have similar if onlys.....If only Micheal had stayed with us through the first weeks of the new year....If only Micheal saw his partner in the cold hard light of day...................If only he came home and not returned to her.........If he had never met her and let her into his life........I would have my child.....

Anger, forgiveness, acceptance are all things achievable, but they are personal and dependant on the individual. 

I found to allow my anger and hatred of Mikes partner, yes I hated hard in the first months, only served to give acknowledgement to a person of no real value in my life or that of my family. 

My anger towards Micheals partner has subsided but will I ever forgive her for the part she played in his death, I really can't see it happening. 

Since being interviewed by the Police in relation to his death, twice, she has taken out an order through the court to prevent us from seeing Micheals daughter.  She says she wants nothing to do with his family.....She is not missed.

Not seeing my granddaugter is the hardest part....but with Memory Journals and a bracelet with charms for each year of her birth and others that reflect her dad makes it a little easier.  I believe one day she will come of her own free will to seek the family of her dad.  That maybe a time when the hatred of her mother may lessen, but forgiveness-again it is something I find hard to see happening.

Soon I hope your happier memories allow you some peace making room in the memories that now haunt your days and nights.  

 

I have no faith as such.  My strengths come from within.  Even when I am at my lowest, with nothing to hold onto I come here, where none of us  travels alone.

Blessed be - Trudi

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Helen,

You do not have to forgive such a horrible, horrible act against your child.

You are NOT God. In my mind, only God can forgive such an act, and then maybe he can't either. Hopefully, we will all know in a future life.

Isabelle,

Ray'sMom

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