Lost my addict Mom

[Rage]

I lost my Mom last month to addiction; she had cirrhosis of the liver for several years. She quit drinking, but switched to pills. The relationship that we had was often unstable and filled with lots of conflict. Over the last five years, I emotionally distanced myself from her. I did not completely cut her out of my life, but I allowed myself to develop boundaries in order to save myself from being emotionally abused. Unfortunately, I'm feeling extreme guilt for distancing myself. I feel as if I could have stopped her death from happening if I maintained more contact with her. The last conversation we had was a fight where I told her that I had major issues forgiving her for the abuse that she inflicted upon me due to being an addict. One week later, I received word that she was in a coma. I went to see her, and I forgave her while she lay unconscious. I have horrible flashbacks of her in the hospital, constantly. I also remember the good times, which makes me miss her terribly. The whole family knew she wasn't doing well, but none of us thought she had such little time left. She would have had more, but she stupidly took pills, and those were too much for her system to process. I feel like my grief is complicated due to the turbulence in her life and our relationship. It's horrible to lose a parent at a young age, but it's even more horrible to lose one under such awful circumstances. I can't go out into the world without feeling like fighting someone. I can't sleep well, I don't have much of an appetite, and I spend a good amount of my day wishing I could have resolved the fight we had prior to her death. This is truly the worst thing I have ever been through, and I've been through a lot. Anyone else have an addict parent leave them in such a state?

[ModKonnie]

I lost my Mom last month to addiction; she had cirrhosis of the liver for several years. She quit drinking, but switched to pills. The relationship that we had was often unstable and filled with lots of conflict. Over the last five years, I emotionally distanced myself from her. I did not completely cut her out of my life, but I allowed myself to develop boundaries in order to save myself from being emotionally abused. Unfortunately, I'm feeling extreme guilt for distancing myself. I feel as if I could have stopped her death from happening if I maintained more contact with her. The last conversation we had was a fight where I told her that I had major issues forgiving her for the abuse that she inflicted upon me due to being an addict. One week later, I received word that she was in a coma. I went to see her, and I forgave her while she lay unconscious. I have horrible flashbacks of her in the hospital, constantly. I also remember the good times, which makes me miss her terribly. The whole family knew she wasn't doing well, but none of us thought she had such little time left. She would have had more, but she stupidly took pills, and those were too much for her system to process. I feel like my grief is complicated due to the turbulence in her life and our relationship. It's horrible to lose a parent at a young age, but it's even more horrible to lose one under such awful circumstances. I can't go out into the world without feeling like fighting someone. I can't sleep well, I don't have much of an appetite, and I spend a good amount of my day wishing I could have resolved the fight we had prior to her death. This is truly the worst thing I have ever been through, and I've been through a lot. Anyone else have an addict parent leave them in such a state?

Rage,

I am very sorry about the loss of your mother, and especially under these tough circumstances. Dealing with an addiction is tough on all sides. You cannot blame yourself for all of this. Have you ever considered talking to a counselor or therapist about your guilt and rage? Everyone does experience some anger and guilt when their loved ones die, but wanting to fight someone all the time may not be a healthy part of the healing process. Not being able to sleep, not being able to eat is normal, though.

My brothers got into a fight one night, and my oldest brother jumped in the car and drove off. He was killed minutes later. The other brother that was fighting with him experienced irrational guilt for years. No one blamed him for the death, but he blamed himself. He couldn't get past the "if only." I am happy to say that he did resolve the issue in his mind, and is now at peace with what happened.

So, I can see that you are in anguish over all of this. There may be people here that can help you. Sometimes just talking about things helps tremendously.

I wish you well, and look forward to getting to know you better.

ModKonnie