Missing Toby

[crystalann]

Morning,

I really hate Mondays! This one doent seem as bad I think because tomorrow is the four month mark.I cant believe its been that long since I have seen Tyler.I didnt wake up crying.Maybe my heart knows tomorrow will be worse.We all sat and talked about what happened last night.I saw tears flow from Justins eyes as he said he didnt get to tell him bye.I really wish my younger two had not been there to see him like that.His friends still come and talk about him.I have a issue with hearing the stories I always start crying and go to my room.So if they stop talking it wi;l be cause they dont want to hurt me.

I had to look up my email one of the kids made it for me. Crystal32420@yahoo.com

I will also answer your texts not

much of a talker anymore but I do type away on my phone. 17752408750 Just put your name in and I will reply.

Love to you both,Crystal

[charsng1234]

morning crystal and cheryl, I did not make it to work today my sinus are so bad feel sick. I did wake up today feeling like I really need to see shane i sat in my chair and cried. I did try your email crystal it came back as mail failure. I still have shanes friends leave messages on is face book i know his password so i can keep his page up. I read the post and it makes me feel better sometimes knowing his friends love and miss him to. oh my number is 520-236-8711. I looked up in the paper again also about shane the news ppl them self were not saying mean things it was coments ppl made like e deserved to get shot. How can anyone beleive that? You know they had so much to say when they did not know anything now that the truth is out they say nothing. My sons alc level was .33 he could not even walk the man in the house stated he was walking boldly to his door. my son did not even know there was a door there. anyway I just want to tell you both your in my thoughts always. we are so close together on time wise but my friends we will do this together.. sharon. ps I also sent you a quick email cheryl

[crystalann]

Ok I looked and that isnt me email.I looked right at it and typed it wrong.

caginnv32420@yahoo.com

I almost did it again I have never used it.

Sharon I put your number in my phone so I will know its you.

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

Sorry to hear you are sick Sharon. Stuffy noses just make crying harder dont they? I had an okay day at work. I made it until 5:30 - the end of my work day and then was crying on the way to my car. I sleep pretty well and then get that sinking, hollow feeling when I remember again what has happened upon waking. It is still so hard to accept. My heart keeps waiting and wishing for my brain to wrong. Maybe I'm having a bad dream I cant wake up from? Now I truly understand the term "waking nightmare".

One of my friends lost her son about three years ago. He died in his sleep at 21 years old. I talked to her all the time about it, but I truly did not understand her pain. She passed away last summer from other health issues, but I cant believe the anti-depressants helped, especially since she drank beer all day to numb out too. I wish I had known how to help her. I am sure there are people out there thinking the same thing about us, but they just can't comprehend how truly awful and devastating this is.

I keep telling myself that mothers have lost children since the beginning of time. Some mothers lost almost every child they had to illnesses that could not be cured etcetera in older times. Can you imagine? I feel totally different thinking about all of the young men that are losing their lives overseas. How do those mothers cope? I have to believe there will be a less painful tomorrow. I keep telling myself Toby would want me to smile and enjoy life - he was a joyful person.

I am imagining a hug from him now.

(((hugs))) to you both,

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

The waking in the first few weels I would wake think it must be a nightmare Then it would sink in and it seemed to be just as new every time that pain of knowing.I hope you sleep well .

Crystal

[charsng1234]

morning Cheryl, I am a little better today did not make it to work. I also new a mom here in my town that lost her 17 yr old son some yrs ago I did not know what to say to her I did not know what she was feeling now I do. I also in the first 2 months and even now sleep and wake up to a nightmare knowing shane is gone. I will still cry and scream and beg to have my son back! I only pray that i can become some what sane again work for me is getting a little better but I still get out of work and cry all the way home. I know shane would not want me to cry and be sad he loved life also.

take care and hugs back to you..

[charsng1234]

morning crystal I wanted to thank you again for helping me through yesterday. I am grateful to have found this site and such caring people on here. I will be texting to to let you know I am also here for you my friend. Hope your day is better than mine..

sharon

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

Well, I had an "okay" day as days without Toby go. It was just a sad day. Not ALOT of crying, just flat, depressed. I feel like someone took all of the energy out of me. I feel like I am physically here, but spiritually missing. Maybe I am the opposite of what Toby is? Is he physically gone but spiritually here? Neither one of us whole? I wish I could dream of him. It has only happened once so far - I was there with him when he passed and was of course even crying in my dream. I wanted so much to have been able to say goodbye, I think I dreamed it up.

Well, I hope you both had better days today.

Take care,

cheryl

[charsng1234]

cheryl my day yesterday was alot of crying to I know about the numbness the feeling like your here in body only.I have had 2 dreams of shane but neither made sense to me I never got to say goodbye either I did talk to him at 10 that night and told him to be safe he was gone by 1:30 am. I am here again today with you to try to make it another day. I know how hard it is to get up in the morning and start again. We are here for you not going no were.

sharon/shanes mom.

[crystalann]

Morning you guys,

I hope our day goes better today.

I have to go to the doctor today.That should be fun.I finally got some sleep.

I know that feeling of being here but not.

Love to you both,

Crystal

[crystalann]

I was there and still didnt do the things I wish I had done.I was in such a state of shock My heart thought he was going to make it and my head knew better.So I was there with a war going on inside.His dad was on the ground next to him telling him to fight.Now looking back I wish I had gotten down on the ground and just held him.All I could do at the time was wipe the blood from getting in his eyes I stroked his hair then I lied to him and told him it will be ok.Those images never leave like they are on instant replay and it plays when ever it wants.

I have had three dreams of Tyler. The first two days later he was still in his clothes from that day and just stood there and looked at me.The second he was with my mom she was asking to borrow money.They acted like they were going on a trip he only stood there on the passenger side she was the one talking.The third was differnt He was dressed in all white still his clothes just white with this glow around him.He still didnt say anything but he had a big smile.It made me feel warm and joy all thru my body it was so strong it woke me up.I still had that warm joyful feeling when I woke up.I was able to go right back to sleep.None since the last one.

Love to you both,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

I hope your day went okay. Mine was better than most I guess - not as much crying today. I keep hoping I will dream of Toby. My husband had two dreams in a row very soon after the accident. He said both were odd, but in both it was as if Toby was trying to show him he was there. I got home from work yesterday and my husband was playing ping-pong with Luke in the backyard. It looked so NORMAL It was good to see them spending time together instead of just being home but not interacting. I think our daily routine is normalizing, but it still seems too quiet, too lonely in the evenings. I am glad to be at work most days. I am not looking forward to the weekends like I used to. I can't beleive it's only been 34 days - it feels like an eternity.

Hope you both are doing okay today. Thanks for listening.

Cheryl

[charsng1234]

Hi my friends How Aare you both doing? I have had 2 dreams of shane but it was when he was younger and it made no sense to me.I made it through work today it was ok tried to talk to shane before work was to hard today. I am going on 4 months It seems already like a life time with out my son. I pray always that shane will come to me in my dreams I miss him so much.. well hope you both are ok.

love you you my friends sharon

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Crystal & Sharon,

I am sitting here not really ready to sleep - sitting under Toby's quilt. I have attached a picture. A couple of years ago - I think Thanksgiving 2009 we were on our way to New Mexico for a vacation, and we stopped in Superior Arizona (or Miami?) and walked into an antique store. Toby saw these quilts that one of the locals was making out of denim and flannel and really liked them. They were a bit expensive - $200 if I recall correctly - and I had been working on a log cabin quilt for years... and told Toby - I can do that. Just save me all of your old jeans. Well, I decided to start on it last November 2010. I rushed to finish it - Toby teased me about how long I had worked on the last one - and finished it not long after Christmas - early January. I washed it, and he immediately took it and began to use it as his bed cover. A friend who had seen the fabric I bought to use with the denim wanted to see it, so I took a picture of it one morning while he was still half asleep. He did not want me to take his picture, so he ducked under it. You can see that he is under it. Now it gives me comfort. It is something I made for him and he used until the last night he spent in bed with us. It makes me sad sometimes, but I am glad I have something that was a part of who he was.

I hope you dream of your sons tonight...

Hugs - Cheryl

[charsng1234]

Hi cheryl I am glad you have the quilt I have but hats and clothes left I had a bad day/ night was no better went out with some friends for dinner than came home hurt and mad. I am so mad I know my heart is a mess right now, dont want to work but can not stay here and cry all day. Just wanted to send my love and let you know I am here,

sharon.

[Toby'sMom]

Good Morning,

Sharon: I am sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. It is incredibly tiring. I hope you have a better day today. I know I feel much more "normal" at work. It is usually on the way home or when I return home that I start feeling the paid again. I actually went in to Toby's room yesterday looking at things and wondering if there was some essence of him that would bring him closer to me. I had an okay day until then. I went through a stack of hats he had kept - some of them baseball caps from places we had vacationed, a couple of "caps" that he wore in middle school. I actually stuck my face in them and smelled them... it made me so sad. I was alone in the house - my husband was out golfing and Luke was at a friends house. So, the whole experience left me upset and drained. It was probably the most I had cried in a couple of days.

I can't bear to think that this emotional bottomless pitl I am in will last months and years. Why did this have to happen to us? Why did our sons have to leave us so soon?

Crystal? Are you okay? I worried about you when I did not see a post from you yesterday. I hope today is a good day for you

Well, I am off to drop Luke off to school, grab my cup of coffee and off to work...

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

Im still here just not feeling well.I have an ear and sinus infection. I am reading all your posts.Thanks for asking about me.JusT a very sad week.

I hope you doing better.

Love to you,Crystal

[charsng1234]

Hi cheryl I am doing ok so far I hate fridays and Saturdays I have a couple of shanes shirts and I have the hat he was wearing the night he passed. His girlfriend has most of his clothes. I asked her if she wanted me to make a baby quilt out his clothes that way is essence will always be with his son. I am getting ready to take a sleeping pill so I cab sleep through this night and I will never know why our sons were taking so young. I know myself you or crystal would trade places with our son's in a heart beat. I will be gone with no computer till sunday if you need to text me 520-236-8711

night my friend hope you sleep and rest the best you can.

hugs and love sharon. I will be texting you crystal to let you know how i am doing and vice versa..

[Toby'sMom]

I am beginning to hate weekends. There is too much time with my mind open to dwell on missing my son. I know there is nothing I can do to change things. It doesn't matter, I just keep wondering why it happened and how the outcome could have been different. How long can I go on feeling this bad? The weekends used to go too quickly - now the time drags. I wake up tired even when I go to be early. I have cried everyday since April 1st - how long can this continue? I read somewhere that the amount of sorrow/grief we experience is equal to the love we feel for our missing loved ones. Now that is a frightening thought. Will I cry everyday forever?

Well, we are going to try and take a drive out of town tomorrow - maybe it will get my mind off of the ever-present, non-solvable problem - How do I live a happy life without Toby?

I hope you both have the best Mother's Day you can tomorrow. With our without our sons, we will always be their Moms - the greatest gift and the greatest heartbreak.

Take care,

Cheryl - Toby's Mom

[charsng1234]

Morning Cheryl I hope you made it through yesterday. I was on the road we went to visit My son shanes girlfriend she is about 7 months alaong now. I did get get tickets's to see allison DuBoius if I am spelling her name right. I was one of the people that got picked. I walked away amazed at her gift. So my day was a little better. i still miss shane so much but I feel he is still with me in a different way she told me things only shane would know. Well I have to get ready for work I hopw your day is a better day.

take care sending hugs sharon.

[crystalann]

Morning,

Cheryl I too hope your day went the best it could for you yesterday.I thought about you both all day!

Love tou you,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

My day today was better. I don't think it was Mother's Day that made me sad as much as just being home. How sad is that? I am at work right now (should have left already) and I think because Toby was never with me at work, I dont feel his absence as acutely as I do when I am at home. At home his not being there permeates everything. His room and just the fact that he would be there playing video games with Luke or making lunch. So, today was better. When I get home, I hope to make it to the end of the evening without breaking down.

I have watched the guy on TV - Crossing Over? I was always fascinated by what some of these people do. I am a skeptic too, but if they tell you something only you and your loved one would know - what other explanation is there? I think it is fantastic that you were picked and able to have that experience. Even though we tell ourselves our sons are okay and happy, it is nice to have validation and that at some point we will see them again (for eternity - doesnt that sound great?)

My son Luke had something odd happen - I think Toby was visiting him. The night before last he was woken up by a screeching noise. He sleeps VERY soundly, so the first amazing thing is that he woke up at all. He said there was a very large owl sitting at the top of our wooden fence looking in his bedroom window. He said it just sat there staring at him - for about 10 minutes before it flew away. Now, my husband thinks the owl saw our kitten in the window, but I have never seen an owl get that close to our house, nor have I ever heard of an owl looking INTO a window. Also, I dont think the kitten normally sleeps in Luke's room anyway. I have only seen owls flying overhead or very high in a tree - never in our backyard. The other thing I think is odd is that it screeched at 3:30am - at what? Toby used to creep up to that window and try to scare Luke. I did not know that until recently. Apparently it was a running joke between them. A lady I work with said that the 3:00 o'clock hour is a very special hour in the Catholic faith - she said it is the hour when God is most open to us. I had never heard that, but she said the fact that the owl appeared during that hour gave her goosebumps. I hope it was Toby - and he is continuing on in his teenage "night-owl" fun.

I hope you both found a few minutes of peace today.

Cheryl

[charsng1234]

Cheryl that is amazing I know it was your son Toby if you search in your heart you will know!! I know that is was Shane coming through she did say stuff only he would know he also said he was ok.. And he was still joking were ever he is now. Just keep you heart and mind open he will keep giving your family signs. My husband always blows off noises and things happening as nonsense.. Well he admited to me he felt Shane 3 times so far... I wish I could feel him more but I know now he watches over us. I am with you always hope you can relax some what tonight I know how hard it is to be home and not see your son doing what he usually does. I am still there to I look at this town and a 100 memeories pop up!

night my friend sharon..

[charsng1234]

HAVE NOT HEARD FROM YOU ARE YOU OK?

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

I guess I am out of words. I have been reading the posts, I just have nothing to say that has not been said by someone.

I just miss Toby.

I am tired of crying.

I am so tired - no matter how much I sleep, I am tired.

It has been 42 days and it feels like a lifetime already. I just keep going through the days trying to move forward. Work is okay, then I come home and remember all over again how miserable I am.

The sun keeps rising without my son in the world.

I am hoping that my heart can catch up with my brain that already knows that everything is different now and there is no going back.

I hope you are doing okay - thanks for asking about me.

Cheryl

[EulogyAdvisor]

Hi, Cheryl,

After my daughter died, I remember going to work every day, and it was like your situation. I'd get home to an empty house, and then I'd walk upstairs, throw myself on the bed, and start screaming until I lost my voice. Then, exhausted, I'd lie there waiting for changes. That lasted for weeks and weeks. Eventually I stopped screaming and just cried. Then crying turned into just taking a nap. It was if I had totally fallen apart into a million pieces. Gradually over the next months and years I put the pieces back, only they went together a different way.

Your child, I believe, is ready to re-enter your heart, to live with you in a different way. He's no longer bound by space and time, but you are (as are the rest of us who are still living). I was so wracked by grief and pain physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually that the grief and raw pain owned me. There was no room for any other feelings or sensations.

And the funny thing is, they--my daughter, my parents--do stop by from time to time now. My daughter is present when I gently ask for her, and my parents show up less frequently. This is not hocus-pocus, and "conjuring" them doesn't come into it. I don't believe in the dark arts. I believe they exist simply because some people attempt to use them, but they are false practices.

I also believe that every human being, dead or alive or even not yet born, retains free will. So the occasional presence of a loving spirit is a gift to be grateful for. But their presence is so elusive, so barely perceptible, that they'd be easy to miss if you're stricken over their loss.

Take pleasure, if you can, in the possibility that Toby visited Luke. Write down the details (or save the post you made here). If you dream about Toby, write about it when you wake up. But don't seek him out. Don't do anything active or try to make anything happen. As you gradually learn to accept his death on every level (and once again, this goes at its own pace), you may also learn to accept his life on every level.

I hope that's the case for your sake. It helped me in dealing with the death of my daughter and later on with the deaths of my parents.

Thanks for responding when people were asking about you. There may not be much more to say this minute, but I'm glad you did.

Fran

Hello,

I guess I am out of words. I have been reading the posts, I just have nothing to say that has not been said by someone.

I just miss Toby.

I am tired of crying.

I am so tired - no matter how much I sleep, I am tired.

It has been 42 days and it feels like a lifetime already. I just keep going through the days trying to move forward. Work is okay, then I come home and remember all over again how miserable I am.

The sun keeps rising without my son in the world.

I am hoping that my heart can catch up with my brain that already knows that everything is different now and there is no going back.

I hope you are doing okay - thanks for asking about me.

Cheryl

[westleysmom]

Cheryl-I can so sympathize with you saying that at work you don't feel his absence as much because he usually wasn't there anyway. That is exactly how I feel and still sometimes don't want to go home at the end of the workday. Where the absence waits. It has gotten better in the 16 months since he died, today is the 13th and he left us on January 13, 2010. I just thought of it and its nearly quitting time. I hope it gets better for you and I believe it will a little at a time. Hugs to you.

[charsng1234]

cheryl I been in the same hell your in now! I remember thinking I can not do this I would drive to work see all the people going on there way and thinking what the hell STOP i am not living my world ended but life kept going. I was so sad that time did not stop for me! I still do not know days I only know months I know that my heart hurt it was like a weight that would be with me from the moment I woke till I went to bed. I know that no one could help me I had to walk this path some what alone I say somewhat alone because everyone 's pain and healing are all up to us ... We all deal with this in our own way But there are people here and others that can walk beside you and be a silent helper kinda guide's to let you know you will make it even though your heart is telling you different. I know how it hurts cheryl I know sometime there is nothing left inside you but don't give up we are all here for you just post even if it is one word you say.. I send my love to you cheryl and I will always be here for you..

sharon/ shane mom

[Toby'sMom]

Sharon, Fran, Westley's Mom, Crystal - thanks for being there to listen - no one else really understands.

I keep telling myself that Toby would not want me to be this sad - that it would break his heart. But, I can be okay one minute and then overwhelmed with sadness the next moment and tears just fall and fall. I know I have to keep moving forward, and some things are okay. I never know when something is going to upset me. We went out to dinner yesterday and the server who has seen us as a family for a number of years asked "Where's your other son?" My husband paused while I held my breath. My son Luke just watched us. Brett (my husband) finally managed to say "He is no longer with us." The server's reply was then, "Did he move out on his own?" Brett then had to say that Toby was no longer with us in the world - that he had an accident in his car. I managed not to break-down, but I could hear my blood pounding in my ear. I managed to order food, eat and have a normal discussion with my family. I thought I managed it fairly well until I got into the car and cried all the way home.

I saw an article in the local paper this morning at work... a 20 year old riding his bike in the morning on his way to the community college to take a final was hit by a drunk driver and killed. I started to cry just thinking about what that poor family was dealing with today. It seems so random and unfair.

I know it will get a little bit better just a little bit at a time, but it is unbelievably devastating. I dont think my husband and son Luke are as upset as I am. I dont know if that is just personality, or if a mother's grief is different or a little of both. I find myself trying to go out of the room when I get upset so they don't see me upset all of the time.

I am going on a business trip to Atlanta GA next week, so I will be traveling on Monday and coming back Thursday. I am hoping that the complete change of scenery will give me a little break from the constancy of this painful existence.

It is helpful to listen to you all that our out in front of me with a little more time having passed. I see that you are coping and moving ahead. I know I can too given more time. It has only been 43 days - but who's counting?

Peace to you all,

Cheryl - Toby's Mom forever

[crystalann]

Morning Cheryl,

I hope you feel better today.I too am tired of being tired.I think I sleep better in the day than I do at night.

My husband and I went to Tahoe for the night Friday.It was good to get away.I did start crying at dinner I was telling my husband sorry he just said it was fine.When we got to the car we both were crying.It is hard not knowing when the tears will hit.

I am trying to get my mind on something else.When I do I seem fine.Then I have this OMG moment and it all seems new.So Im not sure what is better just remembering all day or forgetting for a moment and having it hit me again.

Love to you Cheryl be kind to yourself,

Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Good Morning,

I too am trying to focus on other things, but it is so hard not to dwell on things. I thought this morning was going okay and then I walked into Toby's room and was just standing in a patch of morning sunlight, looking out of the window where he would have looked a million times. I turned and looked at his baby blanket and a stack of white T-Shirts of his and just starting sobbing. My son Luke found me standing there crying and gave me a hug. All of the crying then brought my husband into the room where the three of us stood and cried. I don't know what can be harder than what we are going through. It's only day 45.

I would like to rent my house and move. I think my husband and son are thinking it might be good too - we had been looking at doing this prior to Toby's passing - in fact we had signed a 2nd counter-offer the day of his accident and then backed out of it. Now, for different reasons, I think it would be good for us to move - even it was just into the next community so the images weren't quite so sharp.

Well, as often happens for me, a good cry leads to a calming period.

Peace and hugs to you Crystal,

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

The counting just ate me up. I made it to 58 Days.I had to stop then the weeks got counted got to 12 and felt so bad I lost track.Then again with the weeks to 16.Then I noticed everyone has the weeks mark the day before the 4 month mark. All I could do that week was cry that was last week.How cruel is that? I always no that Monday is here but now I try to not count.I will only count the months for now.Either way our hearts know what day it is.

Crystal

[charsng1234]

hi cheryl how are you holding up? My 4 month mark was yesterday it was bad I am still not doing good today either. I put a picture of shane outside my home so ppl could leave candles I found 4 candles out there that helped knowing how ppl felt about him.I don't know what to do today I am hating life just a little bit wanting to see my son. I am sorry I have not got on in a few day's but your always in my thoughts...

love sharon

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Sharon,

I am sorry to hear you have had a rough couple of days. I hope you had a better day today? Toby's birthday will be 4 days after the 4 month mark. I am already thinking it is going to be a terribly sad day for me.

I flew out to Atlanta on Monday for work, which of course with the time change, took up much of the day. I got through the day with only a few silent tears durijng the flight. Today, I was attending our annual management conference, so I was too busy to dwell on missing Toby. A few people that I dont see often in person came and gave m e a hug and told me how sorry they were to hear of my loss, but because it is a somewhat formal environment I managed to not cry. It was not until I got back to my room and logged on here and started to read eveyone's posts that I really started to cry today. I have the last picture I took of Toby - it was done on my new cellphone. I decided to make it my wallpaper picgture. Everytime I check for messages I see him smiling at me as I was taking the picture. I cant beleive his face will never change - he wont grow any older. When I start to think of him, I have been trying to say "I love you Toby" to acknowledge his presence in my mind. Sometimes it helps, and I dont cry.

Hi Crystal,

How are you doing? I hope you are finding some peaceful days or even a peaceful afternoon or morning. These days away from home have kept my mind focused on something else besides by sadness. I hope you have been able to find a day that is a "better" day than most.

I am thinking of you both, and hope you have sweet, peaceful dreams,

Cheryl

[charsng1234]

hi cheryl, I am doing better just so busy I work and so tired all the time just trying to keep my mind going. But that does not always work. So how was your trip? I am glad your staying busy to its the down time that sucks.I am still fighting for justice for my son promised I would not give up!!!My days seem so long even at work I still cry on the way home from work I wonder how long that will be? Not much is happening in my life spending time with my other kids and grandkids getting eady for my son's girlfriends baby shower we are having it on june 5th. I will try to take picture and show you. Well tired wanted to say hi and sending my love,

sharon

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

I definitely think keeping busy helps. I just got back from Atlanta. It was a good trip. I think I actually got through one day without an actual tear falling (although I got close a time or two). This was the first time I got through the day without having to wipe my eyes or get tissue - day 49...

I am so fortunate to work with a really nice group of people. Everyone has been so supportive. I spoke about Toby with two different co-workers in the last day or so, and was able to talk about it without getting really overwhelmed. But, I had to answer the question I have been dreading - I mentioned my son Luke, and my co-worker asked "So, is Luke your only son?" I just nodded - I could not say yes and I did not want to say more - I knew I'd cry and make her uncomfortable. On the plane on my way back the woman sitting next to me was telling me that she was coming to CA to see her grandchildren but they were actually her step-grandchildren because she did not have children anymore and these were grandchildren from her second marriage . I asked if she had lost them, and she told me that she had two pass in an auto accident and a 3rd die at 39 from a heart defect that he was not supposed to have survived as a child. She said she could not erase the image from her mind - she found him. I then told her I had just lost my son and of course I cried. She said that she was sorry for making me sad, and that no matter what people say you are never "better" just because time passes. I am hoping that I can at least stop crying daily - it is so tiring.

I am sure the baby shower will be bittersweet, but having a new family member will be a joy - no doubt. I would love to see a picture! I tried to upload a picture of Toby, but the image was too large, and I got frustrated.

I still cant believe this has happened to our family. Not to my Toby. More tears.

Well, with the time change, I am quite tired- going to sleep now and forget for a few hours.

Hugs,

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

How are you doing?

Sorry it has been so long I have been down in the pit trying to get out.

Love and hugs to you,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Crystal,

I guess about the same. Some days are better than others. Just sadder than sad. I still have a hard time believing this has happened. We got the police report back a few days ago and it confirmed that he had been drinking and that the kid that he dropped off right before he came home told him he shouldnt drive, but did not stop him. I am sure the kids parent were home too - none of these kids live on their own. It just breaks my heart to think that his "friends" did not love him enough to stop him. It was just 4 kids hanging out - not some raging party where he was not noticed. And, while I know it was not my "fault" I still feel like I failed him in some fundamental way. How could he have done this? I know if he could feel the pain we are all in he would never have done it. I just dont understand why it happened to him. He was not the big party-going kid - he was home most evenings by 11:00. Why, why and why?

We are planning a celebration of life in two weeks, so I have been busy getting the details planned. I put together a video from his pictures. That was tougher than I thought it would be.

It's been a little over 2 months now and I still feel like the all of the color has been removed from my life. My "purpose" removed even though I have a younger son that needs me (not to mention a husband who is grieving as well). I have no energy to do anything beyond what I have to do each day. I know everyone says it gets better over time.... so, a little less miserable daily for years? I read some of the posts from people that say they lost their child years ago and they still sound miserable. It scares me.

I hope you have some good days, or "better than most" days ahead.

Peace,

Cheryl

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

Sharon - are you okay? I just realized that Sierra Vista is really close to the fires in AZ. I hope you did not have to evacuate and that you are safe.

Crystal - I hope you are doing better. I am having a bit of a rough week. My son's memorial is Saturday - I am taking the day off tomorrow to get prepared. I was trying for "light and uplifting" but I dont know how I will do. We are expecting close to 100 friends and family for a luncheon, with a video and a balloon launch. I have a feeling I will be a complete wreck by that evening if my current state of mind is any indication. I cant beleive I am preparing any of this.

I still find it all too hard to beleive. I can still hear his voice and see his smile.

Hugs to you,

Cheryl

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

Still missing Toby....

We had our celebration of life last Saturday and it turned out very nice. The sun popped through the clouds about Noon when we started our luncheon. The balloons looked beautiful lifting up into the sky with the glittering ocean in the background. I was feeling okay that day - but I think I hold the grief back when I am around alot of people. Everyone commented on how they left the event feeling pretty good.

It is worst when I am alone thinking about the tremendous, unbeleivealbe loss that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. It is just so unfair. I want to tell the boys that were with him how angry I am with them for letting him drive home. For letting him down. For not loving him enough to do the right thing. None of the 3 boys that were with him the night of the accident even bothered to show up for the Memorial. It's as if they just dont care. It breaks my heart again and again to think about it. I try not to, but how can I not?

I am sorry to be so negative - I just dont know what to do with myself and this pain. It is my birthday today and when people said "Happy Birthday" today I want to say, "really - is it really a happy day?" No, it really is not. I am sitting at my desk at work sobbing and now I have to go home and act normal for my husband and son so they dont feel worse than they do. It has only been 83 days and it is still miserable.

I hope you are doing better than I am today.

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Cheryl, Sorry it has been so long! This journey takes so much out of us. The service sounds nice. The friends that didnt show up must not have been true friends. Tylers birthday is the forth of July he will be 19. I have no idea how to deal with that day.The six month mark is the day before. I guess I will be at his cross with family and let of ballons. It just doesnt seem right he should be here.

Love and Hugs, Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Crystal,

I am glad that you are okay and so very sad that you will have to face Tyler's birthday without his physical presence. Toby's birthday is August 5th. He also would have been 19. So young. Our boys were very close in age. I dont know what I will do that day. It also falls on a Friday which is the day of the week he died as well. Tomorrow is the 1st again - the 3 month mark, also a Friday and a night with no moon, just like the horrible night of April 1st that changed my life forever. I laid on his bed this morning and cried before going to work. So much sadness. So much time.

I was reading stories about people who have had near death experiences and so many of them said they just felt an overwhelming sense of peace and love. I hope that is where Toby and Tyler are right now - no worries, just peace.

Have you heard from Sharon? She is from the town that had all of the fire issues in AZ. I think they evacuated parts of that town... I think the fire is out now, but what more can a person deal with? I hope she is okay.

Take care,

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

How are you doing today?

Well I made it through the weekend.It took three trips up to the forest so I could hike.Something about the woods makes me feel better.

Over twenty of us went to the cross and let off 19 ballons It was very hard the sixth month mark the day before and his birthday being on a monday the day he was taken. It was almost to much.But I can only keep going nothing else to do.

Love and Hugs to you,

Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Crystal,

Yesterday and today have been okay days. The three month mark was difficult though- lots of tears, heartache and even a bit of anger. I miss him so much. I keep checking his face book page for updates - slowly but surely his friends have less and less to say. It is so sad. We had balloons for Toby's memorial - 100 of them! We wrote messages and let them go. It was a difficult thing to do as well. My husband wrote "I miss you son" which just broke my heart. I know we have to keep moving forward, and our boys would want us to smile, but it sure is hard some days.

I also like the peacefulness of the outdoors. We are going to spend a few days in Lone Pine in a few weeks to get away - you are probably familiar being from CA..... little town. My husband has two cousins who live in Bishop - so we'll get a little of the outdoors soon. We are waiting for my son Luke to finish summer school - he failed PE believe it or not! I am trying to be as positive as I can for him - he needs us more than ever now. I am dreading Toby's birthday coming up on 08/05 - also a Friday which was also the day of the week he died.... so many sad dates now.

Anyway, I am on my way back to the office - needed to pick up Luke from summer school today so I checked email etc.

Take care,

Cheryl

PS - I was glad to see your post about the kid's sentencing. There is not enough punishment in the world to repay the loss, but at least he plead guilty. My son's "friends" that were with him the night of his accident didnt even bother to show up to his memorial. ....