100% Orphan

[faeriedogma]

Hi. I'm new here and am wondering if there are others like me here & if so, what their advice would be. I am, however, open to advice from everyone.

My Mom passed away Sept. 15, 1992. After 5 years of 24x7x365 supervisionary care, my Dad passed away Dec. 26, 2006. I'm a 45 year old only child, never married, no kids, have lived in this new area since Oct. 2003 & cannot move, was a CNA/HHA before taking off to look after Dad & while I got my registration reactivated June 2007, I've been doctor ordered off work until my carpal tunnel surgeries are complete & hands 100% healed. I'm living on a prayer right now. Because of looking after Dad, I know no one around here. I'm out in the country & like it here but the cost of gas keeps me homebound for the most part. Dad's brother/my uncle lives 3 states away with his family. Mom's sister-in-law/my aunt & cousins live 1.5 hours from me but cut off contact after Mom died & made it clear at Dad's funeral that the next time they want to see me is when I'm paying my respects at my aunt's funeral. It's not a great loss, as they only had time/use for us when they were getting something, like at Christmas. I worked a private home care case Feb-May 2007 but was terminated when I objected to a daughter's wish to kill off "Mom" early so she'd have more free time.

This is my first 100% all alone Total Orphan Christmas coming up upon the anniversary of Dad's death. I'm not dealing well with much of any of the above & have been seeing a therapist who I do like. In an attempt to empathize with my position, she told me she'd be an orphan this year, too, because instead of gathering with family she'd made plans with friends. I contend that she's not an orphan by any standard compared to me. My Godsister has not made any mention of including me in her family's plans and I'm not going to ask. She tried to convince me that I belong, but she was mostly boo boo kissing, if you know what I mean. At least the therapist recognizes that a church group or a hobby group or a study group or a volunteer group (not that I have any of those) isn't a substitute for a family group and that they don't impart that sense of belonging, nor would they replace a lost family or make up for being deliberately cut out of one.

I am having a really hard time of it right now and was just wondering if there were any other 100% orphans like me out there.

[chicagogina]

Yes, yes, YES!!!!!

I, too, am experiencing my FIRST 100% ORPHAN Christmas, JUST LIKE YOU ... and I have been looking for someone who could relate to how I am feeling ...

My Dad died 37 years ago, on November 29th, when I was just a kid ... 13 years old. He had liver and pancreatic cancer and it was a slow, awful death. My ANGEL Mother took care of him every day until he died ... and that was BEFORE the days of hospice care. She was one INCREDIBLE woman!

Of course, she and Dad raised me and, after Dad died, I stayed with Mom ... for the rest of my life. I never married, never had kids of my own ... ALWAYS just stayed with  Mom. We had a GREAT life together and a FANTASTIC relationship. We did EVERYTHING together ... shopping, visiting the relatives, going to plays, taking trips down to Branson, meeting up with the cousins for lunch ... You name it; we did it ... always TOGETHER!

She got sick on my 50th birthday this year ... what a way to "celebrate," eh? I took her to the hospital and she passed away only 2 1/2 months later, on September 20th of this year. Of course, that wasn't even 3 months ago so I am still in "white hot grief," as my sister calls it. She has a roommate with whom she has been for the past 40 years. My other sister is married with 5 children ... and grandkids coming out the wazoo! And then there's me ... ALL ALONE now that Mom is gone and very, VERY lonely ... especially now that the holidays are coming up.

Dear friends and family members are doing their darndest to try and help me out in this terrible situation ... and God bless them all ... But the fact of the matter is that they have NO CLUE what I'm going through right now. They aren't the ones who lived with Mom for 50 years. They aren't the ones who's life was wrapped up in her life and her life in mine. They aren't the ones who's FINANCES were tied together with Mom's and who now has to figure out not only a way to make a life and an identity of her own without Mom, but also how to survive FINANCIALLY! I love them all but they just DON'T "get it". And it sounds like YOU do!

So, that's MY story. If you want to IM me ... PLEASE do ... Maybe we can figure out life one IM at a time ??? I hope so ...

Gina

[emm1994]

You aren't alone. I'm so sorry that you're so sad. This will be my 11th "orphan Christmas." I lost both my parents when I was 29.  I'd give anything just to have one more day....anyday....with my mom or dad again. People don't understand the sadness that comes....even many years later when you're an orphan on Christmas(or Easter or your birthday,etc).

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and that you're not alone.

With Hugs and Understanding,

Emm

[chicagogina]

Thanks for that post, Emm. And you're right ... Try as they might, most people just don't "get it" unless they've experienced it. I had a wonderful life with both my Father, and especially with my dear, angel Mother. I would not want one more day with either one of them only because then I'd have to start this awful grieving process ALL OVER again and I'm not sure I could handle that. I am comforted in the fact that I know that families can be together forever and that, if I stay close to God, I will be together with them again some day. However, that doesn't do much for the reality of the loneliness of the "here and NOW!"

So, how have you coped? Especially in the earlier years when the pain was so raw? What did you do to get through life alone for the past 11 years?

Thanks for any suggestions you, or anyone else out there, can offer. This is EASILY the hardest thing I have EVER gone through in my life!

Blessings to you ALL, and thanks in advance,

Gina

[faeriedogma]

Thank you, Emm. I apologize for the delay in responding. I've been having log-in/reply disallowed problems and hope things have been fixed.

So, is it getting better? Being 100% alone has me feeling totally unanchored and completely adrift ~ and not in that fun-loving care-free way that youth experiences on their 1st vacation without parental supervision.

It DOES help to know I'm not alone 'coz all it takes is one hand holding on so you don't drop off the cliff.

I was 29 almost 30 when my Mom passed & one of the last things she did was write my Dad a note that said, "Don't forget Lorri's birthday." I miss her a lot. I think I'd miss Dad more if I weren't still so numb. I still have a world of grieving left to do & I think I've delayed it 'coz it's going to be a huge mess & I hate cleaning up my messes.

 

[faeriedogma]

Hi Gina & thanks for the reply. It is soooo good to know I'm not alone as I've been feeling like a species facing extinction. I apologize for the delay in my response. I've been having log-in/reply disallowed problems & am hoping that situation's been fixed once and for all.

I do like IM & email. After 5 years with Dad 24x7x365, this computer has been 99% of my contact with The Outside World. His dementia didn't allow for much socializing or changes of scenery. I've never been one to have hordes of friends anyway & when I had to take off to look after Dad, the friends I did have rather disappeared. I liken it to how once friends married off, they shied away from singles to not give their spouses second thoughts or ideas, only in this, it was because like what Dad & I went through was contagious.

Mom & I were best friends, so your story sounds familiar. I miss her a lot. We had her for 9 months from when she learned she was sick to when she passed & there's a lot of trauma in that story. A lot of anger.

One might think I'm a version of manic-depressive with how I vacillate between anger and grief.

I know how I was 3-4 months after she passed, so I can empathize with you on that. I can still remember co-workers wanting me to be my old jolly self again and saying, "C'mon, Lor! It's been 2 weeks! Get over it already." They just won't know until they go through it & then they'll regret those words, eh? I wasn't really allowed to grieve at home either so I lost myself in rented movies...This time around, I latched onto a job and threw myself into work out of sheer terror & having that job terminate the way it did threw me into what turned into a 7 week marathon of home improvement projects ~ see a pattern here? Now, I'm not working, have lots of time on my hands and head & you don't even have to hear the trains to see the wreck about to happen.

I envy you that you at least have siblings and their families. There is belonging and inclusion there, so don't underestimate the benefit of that. I don't belong anywhere and while I have relatives and a God-sister, I'm excluded for holidays & that hurts more, I think, than if they didn't exist & I were 200% alone. Another online friend told me to forget about it 'coz holiday family gatherings aren't all that warm and fuzzy to begin with, but he misses the point. It's the sense of belonging and inclusion. I appreciate my therapist's attempt to empathize with being an orphan, but her orphan status is one of choice & God love her & forgive me for saying this, but that sooooo does NOT count.

Geez. My eyes are leaking again. My secret hope is that I'm retaining tears and not fat & if I just let go & have a good cry, I'll be skinny when I'm finished.

I totally identify with you about having had lives so enmeshed that the sense of self is unclear, not to mention what to do now about finances. I have my CNA certification back, but while my hands may heal and be up to the job, my knees may fail me on physicals & then what do I do? I've been doing a 2 hour daily check-up on a private party nearby & Mr. Payroll went back on the road without squaring up with me & now I'm unsure if my end of month bills will get paid on time.

I've ordered a specially smoked ham for Christmas & hope to have the ambition to bake up a small batch of my gingerbread muffins. Beyond that, I'm thinking of spending Christmas Eve volunteering at the Salvation Army's soup kitchen serving up holiday dinners for the truly needy & then going to church to ask God's forgiveness for being so selfish as to think I'm needy, too.

Lorri G. 

 

 

 

[sheela]

i am a orphan to i have no family left all of mine are dead and the few that remain dont care if i live or die ... pretty much ..

 

my mom died on June 6th of this year ...

 

she was all the i had, i have no BF's, or any  children at all

 

i have never really had a BF at all i have just spent most of my time caring for my mom my whole life

 

i live in down town denver in a sec 8 nightmare dump.. i am on disability and have no degree in anything and cant work bc i also have terriable migraines and allergies etc

 

i just want to move on and meet a nice guy so badly .... hugs and prayers

[faeriedogma]

Hi Sheela.

I'm not in section 8 but could be & might as well be, so I understand.

I know your loneliness and how hard this all is.

I once thought that I'd like to "meet a nice guy and move on" but realized that I have to get right with myself & life first or else I'd just be swinging from vine to vine & disaster would result ~ disaster plus another heartache I'd rather avoid. Plus, the couple real world women I know who have "nice husbands" have shown me that life without a man is not so bad.

[chicagogina]

How are you all doing now that the holidays are getting closer? Friends have been SOOO NICE!!! Seems like it's my FAMILY that doesn't have A CLUE!!! Like they're trying to avoid the fact that Mom is gone, maybe hoping to avoid any sadness on the holidays. Hey ... reality is reality ... SHE IS GONE and we all miss her ... ME, more than anyone since we lived together my ENTIRE LIFE!!! I think it's best to ADMIT it and TALK about it ... NOT live in denial!!!

 

Gina

 

P.S.  Here's my fave pic of Mom with Santa. It was taken in Branson two years ago.

[emm1994]

Gina ~

I wish there was some magic formula to make getting thru the lst holiday easier. If it exists, I don't know what it is. My first holidays without my parents is kind of a blur now. My siblings and I kept up with some of the traditions we had done with my parents over the years. We continue those to this day. That brings a small part of them to us on those days. I want you to know that it does get "easier" with more time. Easier in that the pain is not unbearable....but certainly the void is never filled.

Thinking of you during these tough days.

Emm

[chicagogina]

Thanks, Emm ... Christmas Eve was AWFUL ... My sister got sick so she canceled our plans ... and Mom and I ALWAYS spent Christmas Eve with her ... So, there I was ... ALONE and with nothing to do. I basically cried all night. It was the worst Christmas Eve of my life so far.

THANK HEAVENS I still had Christmas Day ... That was at my OTHER sister's house ... with her hubby and 4 of her 6 children and all 5 of her grandchildren. We ate our traditional homemade ravioli that we used to make every year with Mom ... Mom started the tradition and I am SO PROUD of Diane and her grandson Eric for continuing it. Sometimes the good, old tried and true, familiar traditions are the best! They just make everything seem a bit more "normal" and like EVERYTHING isn't lost because Mom is gone. I spent the night at Diane's and we had a lovely breakfast together the following morning ... just the two of us with lots of time to share our memories ... That was the "nice" part of the holidays this year ... But I just wonder sometimes when all the tears and the pain and the hurt and the agony will end ??? I just miss her EVERY DAY of my life!!!

[faeriedogma]

I can relate.

I tried to make plans seeing as I had no family telling me not to & I recognize that this is a habit of mine, i.e. "if only to just keep busy & keep my mind off things (don't have to deal with them)", but they didn't pan out. Christmas Eve was the bigger of the 2 days in our house, so I tried to fill up Christmas Eve and have my ham dinner on Christmas Day instead.

However, the Salvation Army's Christmas dinner was on the 21st instead. I did go up and help out, but that still left a gap in the 24th. I figured the nursing homes or hospital might be short handed & called to ask if they could use some volunteer hands only to find out that accepting volunteer help would violate their contracts with the pool agencies, so, then, that was off the docket. A few other people I spoke with said they'd ask around to see if anything for me to do somewhere in town, but nothing panned out. I didn't have it in me to make a trek all the way in to town for late services when I knew no one. So, my Christmas Eve was just me, the 3 dogs & the cat, same as every other day & night, except that I put up two 7' trees...cat trees. Now, Percy's climbing them instead of the curtains & we're both much happier for it.

I earlier alluded to the relatives I have nearby who cut us out of their lives after Mom died. I last saw them at Dad's funeral last December & it seemed clear that they had no intention of staying in touch. That was before we all found out that my cousin worked at the same place as my Godsister's daughter. Well, when I got home on the 21st, there was a message on my machine, my cousin calling to say, "Hi. I've been thinking about you & want to extend an invitation to join us for Christmas even though I'm sure you already have plans and if you do, we totally understand." How would you have felt? I bounced it off 2 different people & got 2 different responses. One was, "It could be a matter of perception and they really do want you to join them and don't know your plans if you haven't been in touch," and the other echoed my initial thought, "A late invitation hoping you had plans so you won't come," i.e. a slap in the face & a reminder that I'm really not wanted. I called her back to say I'd come on Christmas Day & she offered me every out she could think of & I didn't take one of them. What do they say about how negative attention is better than no attention? I decided to bring gingerbread muffins as a consolation prize + had something here of hers from 50 years back I'd refound & could hand back up. Pretty pathetic, eh? So desperate for a sense of belonging and inclusion that I'd let the obvious insults roll off like water on a duck's back.

That's when the tears really started and I was a mess pretty much right up until I left here for the hour's drive to the farm. I haven't seen my little cousins in 12 years. They're not so little anymore. Two are married and one's engaged & the other had her German exchange student roommate + the German boyfriend there & now there's a 3rd generation toddling about. It was so disorienting. Most everyone was really nice, nice enough to make me wonder if my perceptions were off. It was my aunt who started up where she'd left off at the lunch after Dad's funeral, going on & on about how Mom never should've married him, how she & Grandma told Mom not to marry him, how she & Grandma later encouraged Mom to leave him...and then she started in on me personally (as if having already indirectly said I shouldn't have been born or exist wasn't enough) & all this was early enough in the day that it colored the tone of the rest of the day.

I don't know what to think or what to feel anymore. I'm flip-flopping more than politicians are accused of doing. All I really know is that I'm miserable.  It's too bad that you & I didn't know we were both all alone Christmas Eve or maybe we could've IM'd our way through it.

{{{HUGZZZ}}}

[chicagogina]

Hospice is doing a Memorial Serviced for my Mom ... the unit where she died. It will be on January 12th. I don't want to go alone and my sister, the one who has always been closest to me, informed me tonight that she doesn't want to go with me. I was just HEARTBROKEN. She's also the sister who canceled Christmas Eve on me this year (my FIRST one without Mom) because she got sick! I already have to come back to this lonely house EVERY DAY ALL ALONE ... the house I shared with Mom for 50 years ... Now, it seems I'm having to do EVERYTHING ELSE all ALONE, too ... Although, WHY, I have NO IDEA since I DO have family right here and we have ALWAYS been close! I have NO IDEA why this is happening to me now ...

[faeriedogma]

{{{HUGZZZ}}}

I can only venture a guess, but I'd say your sister's having a lot of trouble dealing with your Mom's passing ~ trouble in acceptance, perhaps troubles with guilt ~ and I can feel the pain of how it's affecting you. I feel very bad for you.

I just found out that the cat knocked a chocolate off my desk & am wondering which dog ate it and may die from it. I do so not need worries like this atop everything else right now. Last week I found out that instead of being put back on the state registry for passing the tests I shelled out $200+ to take, the school instead reported me as absent ~ try straightening that out during the holidays, eh? Good grief...

I know what it's like to be all alone. I wish I could be there with you & for you & attend the service with you. Hospice here included my Mom in a memorial service, too, but we didn't attend because Mom had only been in Hospice for 2 hours. How are you doing financially? I still haven't gotten the dates put on Dad's side of their headstone, nor been able to pay the cemetery to install the marker the VA provided. I think it's obscene that the cemetery charges $400 to open & close a grave and wants $218.00 to set a 9x15x2 stone. I haven't had confirmation one way or another whether or not I've been approved for energy assistance this year. My dogs (& maybe the cat) are all I have & I can so not handle losing one of them.

[chicagogina]

So, where exactly ARE you in the good, old U.S. of A? Too bad we don't live closer!

I just spoke with my OTHER sis ... Today is her birthday so I called to wish her a happy birthday ... And she said, as long as the weather holds and she stays healthy enough, that she WILL come to the house and go with me to Mom's Memorial Service next week -- HALLELUJAH!!! Now, let's just PRAY for GOOD weather AND her health!

Not sure WHAT is going on with my other sister ... just that her behavior lately is very UNcharacteristic of her, so ???

Financially, it's ONE day at a time ... VERY SCAREY being ALL on my OWN, especially after splitting ALL the expenses with Mom for most of my life. I work for a Church so I don't make a whole lot of money. Thank heavens the house is paid for but the property taxes will be HORRENDOUS after I lose Mom's senior discounts in 2009. At least I have a year to decide whether to sell the house and downsize, take in a roommate, get a part-time job ... LOTS of decisions to make in 2008 ... NONE of which I want to face right now! UGH ... I hate this ...

[DianeS]

I just read your post that was written in Dec.  I'm sorry for the loss of your parents.  I am 53 and lost my dad on Sept. 4th.  My mom died about 18 years ago.  My youngest brother died 9 months before my mom's death.  He was killed in an Air Force plane crash.  I have two surviving brothers and we're very close, so I do not know what it must feel like to be so alone.  I do know though, that losing my dad has resulted in feelings that I never really expected.  I don't really even know how to put it.  I guess for me, it's felt like the connection that I had to everything in my past, particlarly my childhood, is gone.  As long as you have parents you still have that anchor that we all long for.  It doesn't matter how old you are, how many children and grandchildren you have, or even if you have siblings.  When you are no longer anyone's child there is an emptiness.  I still can't really believe they are both gone from this earth forever.  I believe that I will be reunited with them and my brother one day, but for now, there is such a hole that no one else can ever fill.  I have friends who have lost both parents and I find that they all feel the same.  It's very difficult to put into words, but very real in your heart and mind.

DianeS 

[faeriedogma]

{{{HUGZZZ}}} ('Coz everybody needs a hug)

I'm up in Northern Minnesota on the Iron Range, who the locals call a Packsacker on account of because I wasn't born in the area. Dad & I moved here Oct. '03. Folks ask if I know many around here & I say "No" & they nod and say, "Yeah, it's hard to get to know people around here. Here, it's all about family & who you know."

I am glad for you that your sis will be coming to your Mom's memorial service...oops: I just checked the dates on these posts & see I'm quite behind, soooo...I hope your weather held and your sis was able to attend the memorial service!

Your other sis? Everybody handles death and dying differently, so I'd say to not make much of it (yet). Keep in touch, keep the lines of communication open, make inquiries if your inner voice tells you to. A lot of odd things happen in the first year after a loved one dies.

I know I was terrified being all on my own after Dad died, so I can empathize. It gets better. I'm not as scared now (although that may be denial. I'll keep you posted.) I'm not employed yet & won't be for at least a few more weeks. Trust me when I say you're financially sitting much better than I am right now, especially when it comes to the housing situation. You could have it much worse. Not only is this place not paid for, it should be, yet I'm paying rent I shouldn't have to pay & am involved in a legal battle over the title. Count your blessings, m'dear, count your blessings.

Lorri G.

 

[faeriedogma]

Thank you. Every word helps.

Your mentioning that "anchor" brought to mind another term I heard somewhere in the past, about how this is how it feels when The Umbrella Generation is gone. My umbrellas are gone.

You're so very right about the surfacing of feelings coming to the fore. I was much closer to my Mom than my Dad, but in Dad's passing & its now just being me & my head & my life...Wow & ow... I have so much to deal with and work through in fully realizing just how handicapped I am by their having made & kept me so dependent upon them. These are ugly times.

Lorri G.

[DianeS]

Ugly times... Or maybe, just maybe it can be the start of a new, a different life for you.  Once you work through the grief and other things that come along with losing those we love, maybe you will begin to see things in a different light and start doing some of the things you've never done before.  I don't know what you mean exactly when you say they kept you very dependent, but now is the chance for you to find your independence if you want to.  Try new things.  Meet new people.  Take up a hobby or two.  It's never too late to learn and try new things.  Hopefully this will become a time in your life when you experience a new-found freedom and begin to take care of yourself after taking care of others for so long.   You deserve it.  It's a new chapter in your life and you are free to make it whatever you want now.  It does not diminish the love you had for your parents.  It just means that now it is time for you.

DianeS

[chicagogina]

Lorri -- Well, I am in the Chicago area so I guess we really aren't THAT far away from each other. And I think DianeS is right, hard as that is to admit ...  I am like you, Lorri ... I lived with my parents my ENTIRE life. Daddy died when I was only 13 and Mom always took care of me. Even when I was taking care of her the last few years of her life; she was always there for me. When I got home from work she was there with a ready smile and a hug and a "How was your day, honey?" We shopped together and went to dinner together and visited relatives together and just hung around the house and watched TV and laughed together. Oh, how I miss those hugs and that smile and that huge, hearty "belly laugh". Her belly used to shake when she laughed really hard and that just made me laugh more. It has been SO LONG since I even SMILED let alone LAUGHED. And I wonder if that day will ever come again. I just miss her so very VERY much. In fact, I'm sitting here sobbing as I'm typing this.

The Memorial Service provided by the hospice center was lovely. There was a harpist. Poems were read. Memories were shared. We each got a pink rose in memory of our loved one. I took mine to the cemetery to lay on Mom's grave and found that someone had been there (not sure WHO?) and laid a Christmas wreath on her grave, and one between my Dad's and brother's graves. It was nice to see that someone else had been thinking of them, too, not just me.

I am VERY THANKFUL that Mom left me in such good shape. She was one INCREDIBLE lady. She lived through the Great Depression and could rub 2 pennies together and get a nickel from them better than ANYONE I've ever known! I know I will SOMEHOW survive all this pain. She lost her Mother and Father, 2 husbands, a son and a grandson and somehow SHE survived. I asked her many times HOW she endured all that and she always said, "I had my children to live for, honey." Well, I have NO ONE so I wonder sometimes if and how I'm going to get through the rest of my life without her. All I can do is PRAY for courage and strength EVERY day and pray that SOMEHOW I'll be able to find my smile again and figure out who I am in this big, cold world without the light of my life ...

[ocprincess]

i do not know where to start. i am my mom's first born. my mom died on sept. 22, 2007 at the age of 70. she had both lung and brain cancer. from the time she began to have issues until the time she passed, was only 3 months. i will say more later. all i know is that i feel like i am going to have a meltdown, and don't know what to do. help!!!

[DianeS]

ocprincess,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I also lost my mother to lung cancer.  From diagnosis to death was less than six months.  She had never smoked a cigarette in her life, so it was such a shock for us.  She was my best friend and although it has been 18 years already (seems impossible), I think of her many times each day.  I miss her dearly.  You do get through it though.  I know it sounds impossible right now, but you do.  Someone in the post prior to yours mentioned that she wondered if she'd ever laugh again.  I remember standing in the shower weeping (that was my place to really let go because I had young children), wondering if there would ever be a day without tears.  One day I realized that that day had come.  It just takes time.  You never stop missing your mom, but you do learn to adjust to life without them at some point.  I still hate the fact that she is gone, but how I cherish the memories now.  Those memories hurt so much at first.  Now they are a comfort.  Hang in there.  I know it is really hard.

DianeS

[DianeS]

Correction to my previous post... From diagnosis until my mom's death it was six weeks, not six months.

DianeS

[faeriedogma]

{{{HUGZZZ}}}

My Mom was 72 when she passed, just before my 30th birthday, and 9 months from her diagnosis, so my heart goes out to you in understanding your pain and knowing that feeling of an impending meltdown...I've always kept my meltdowns at bay & I'm not entirely sure that was the wise thing to do. It may have led to always feeling I'm on the brink of a meltdown & leaves one feeling stuck, so, as messy as a meltdown can be, perhaps it's the best thing to do (& yes, this is easier said than done).

Lorri G.

[faeriedogma]

Thank you, Diane.

I know what you're saying & it's good & makes sense...I just have little to no experience in putting myself first & my life has been defined by the daughter role so much that I don't know who else I might be and, at 45, think I'm just too old to try to play catch up on a life that should've begun 25+ years ago. I am struggling with what my purpose in life is now that my original purpose has been fulfilled. As an only child, I'm at no loss for hobbies: I know how to fill my time and time does go by, but am I getting anywhere? Everything seems so pointless & there are days, weeks, months where my feelings mirror John 17 where Jesus says (paraphrasing), "The work Thy gave me to do is done. I'm ready to come home to you, Father." To start at 45 what should've begun at 20 is daunting, to say the least, and age is just not an advantage.

Lorri G.

[faeriedogma]

Gina,

I've had 1/4-hearted laughs and 1/2-hearted laughs here and there, but 100% whole hearted fill-your-being-with-goodness-and-joy laughs? Not yet. However, I did have a good spontaneous 3/4-hearted (or better) laugh a few days ago & it came from the most unexpected place: The Jerry Springer Show, which I never watch but was on the TV when I woke up. The absurdity of it still makes me giggle. A black girl was explaining things to her boyfriend & Jerry and her accent was heavily black, so much so that the audience began chanting, "You need a translator! You need a translator!" over & over, so Jerry called A Translator to the stage, and the Translator was a Hispanic man & everything she said he then translated into Spanish. THAT, of all things, made me laugh.

It is a very off-kilter feeling to be all alone in this world. I thank God every day for my 3 dogs and the cat as I'm sure I'd have bounced off the planet by now if not for them. If possible, I'd reccommend you get a pet. A pet in no way replaces who and what you lost, but their unconditional love and always being happy to see you DOES help.

Lorri G. 

[DianeS]

LorriG,

Your words reminded me of how I felt when my youngest child left home.  I'm a single mom and when he moved out I spent a lot of time feeling like there was no more purpose to my life.  My kids were my life and my reason for doing most everything I did.  There were many a day when I'd sit at work at 5:00 wondering why I should even go home, since no one was there anymore.  I'd usually be in tears by the time I reached the parking lot.  This lasted for probably six months or so.  I know it is different than the grief we experience with a death, but I can relate to that feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself and wondering if your life would ever have a real purpose again.  I remember thinking that there was nothing I could ever do again in this life that would be as important,  as fulfilling, or as meaningful as raising my kids.  Over time I've adjusted and now I have two precious grandsons who have brought so much fun back to my life.  And truth be told...I love having my house all to myself after all these years.  No one to pick up after and I can come and go as I please.  With the exception of taking care of my cat and dog, I'm free as a bird to do the things I willingly put on hold during those years of raising my kids.

You are 45.  That's not old.  We can't get the "young years" back again, but if you want to, you can find meaning in your life.  Give yourself time to grieve and to adjust to life alone.  Then...check out some of the non-credit classes at a community college (I like non-credit at this age.  To me, non-credit = non-threatening).  Take a class that amuses you.  I've taken Creative Writing, Taxidermy and Auto Mechanics for Women, to name a few.  Give yourself a little time and you might find that you have a renewed interest in life.  It is hard to move forward after the death of someone you love.  I still fight getting into a "funk" some days.  Some days more than others.  But...we do not have to remain there forever.  If you find yourself getting stuck, consider looking for someone to talk to.  That could be a good friend who is willing to listen and stick with you as you move through the grief process, or it could be a therapist or a minister.  There are resources available, but it is difficult to take that step sometimes.

There is still so much of life ahead for you.  It is not the same life you had, but it can be good and fulfilling.  When my younger brother died I had a really difficult time.  I eventually went to a grief support group and the one thing I learned that has stuck with me all of these years afterwards is that we have to find "a new normal."  That's hard and it is not really something we want to do.  With each subsequent death (my mom, and recently my dad), I've had to find that "new normal" again.  We are so comfortable with our "normal" that we had for so many years.  I know I was.  And...truth be told, I want it back.  I would give anything to have my mom, dad and brother back, but that's just not going to happen.  And since it's not going to happen, I have to decide what I'm going to do with that.  It is not easy, and it is not fun, but we can and do move on and in time we find that "new normal." 

Hang in there.

DianeS 

[chicagogina]

Thanks for the posts. Not a lot of time right now but I did want to say that others have suggested a pet to me, too, Lorri. Problem is the $$$$$. I want to be able to stay in my childhood home as long as I possibly can and I work for a Church so, while it is very rewarding spiritually, I don't make enough $$$ to maintain the house ALL on my own. Adding a pet to the mix would mean the cost of the pet, food, vet bills, etc. Just can't put that into the mix financially right now. But, the suggestion is very much appreciated. Just trying to find things to do and places to go to keep me as BUSY as possible and OUT of the lonely house!!!

[faeriedogma]

Gina,

Consider this: volunteer or a get a PT job at a local animal shelter or humane society ~ it'll keep you out of your currently too empty & lonely house + you'll get all that unconditional love & happiness with none of the costs involved with ownership.

I'm praying you don't have to let your home go without a good fight and putting pen to paper to crunch numbers and see what can be done to stay there. My Godsister has more than once said to me, "If he (her hubby) died, no way would I be able to take care of this place myself," and I'll be the 1st to admit to jumping to "I can't do this by myself!" in the face of adversity, yet with pen to paper and some creative juggling, lots of things can be done that were previously thought impossible. Do not forget that God will provide for you your needs when you look to Him & ask Him to & I've had this proven to me over and over again and your problem is an easy fix to Him. I know He's working on my problems which are complex and taking a lot of time, so I need be patient & trust Him (not that I don't wish He'd hurry up already!)

Your finances CAN change and enable you to bring some 4-legged love home & even change up the house a bit so it's "you in the present". This past summer I put in 7 weeks of home improvement projects (using what I had on hand to keep things cheap) just because it was Time; time to pack Dad's things away (not worth donating but good enough for quilt-making one day) & end having 1/3 of the house "off-limits" & semi-shriney. I know you're no where near that point, but it will come & as you discover who you are, you can fill your house with you & once it & you are full of you, you won't be quite as lonely. That's my hope and prayer for you. I'm still not sure who I am, but the house is more reflective of the present me & that's a nice thing.

Maybe Amazon.com will have a cheap copy of that Martha Stewart "bible" on home maintainence & repair & you're more able in taking care of your home than you currently give yourself credit for. This summer I taught myself how to use a Skil-Saw & made everything from simple shelves to latticed planters & even did a fine job of installing 1/2-height paneling and totally amazed and surprised myself. I don't reccommend going so cheap as to make your own flour-paste hole-filling "spackle" like I did, though: you'll be sitting there one evening admiring your handiwork when its off-gassing will have built up enough to shoot little flour bullets at you.

{{{HUGZZZ}}}

Lorri G.

[faeriedogma]

Diane,

You are so one-up on me! I know being a single Mom is no easy task. I guess I just feel left in the dust by life, not unlike the housewife who's never had a job & her husband either leaves or dies & she's broke and, "What the hell do I do now?!" in a world where you need a degree to live.

It's probably all in the perception, yet it feels like there's just no time or money to play catch up. I'm so far behind! My parents didn't encourage independence or higher education. Dad flat out said I was born to be his old age insurance. Up until he died 12-26-06, I think I had a total of 20 months of 100% independent living under my belt in my life. I'm a great companion and caregiver because that's who I was brought up to be, so it's no wonder that I became a nursing assistant and home health aide, eh? Now, I'm realizing that this body of mine may not hold up to the rigors that can be involved in those jobs (especially the better paying CNA) & if not that, what? I am just so lost!

Broke and out in the sticks & embroiled in a legal battle + have 3 dogs and a cat...I do have a therapist I'm seeing and talking to & she is wonderful, she really is & if she let me bottle & sell her, we'd both be rich. If this were Finland where higher education's free, I'd be a full-time lifetime student as there are many things I'm interested in and would like to pursue, but this is the USA & nothing's free and I don't care if the infamous They say "Student debt is good debt" because in my book, all debt is bad debt and debt should be avoided at all costs. I'm good at a lot of things that don't translate into income. I'm sure things will start to fall more into place or obtain some sense of direction once I'm employed again & maybe schooling (even for fun) would be a possibility & everything seems to hinge on where that job comes from. I live 30 minutes from 2 cities, each with good colleges, but it makes no economical sense to start school one place & then end up with a job in the other place ~ know what I mean?

I have my dreams and goals. I just need hope that they're attainable. If they're not, that's when things, life, just feels pointless.

 Lorri G.

[DianeS]

Lorri,

My mom was such an optimist.  I cannot tell you how many times while growing up and as a young adult I heard my mom say, "If you can just hold on, things will look so different in a year."  A year sounds like eternity sometimes, but we know how quickly it passes.  And how true that saying is.  Things look so different when we get down the road a little way. 

You know, when I divorced I had no idea how I was going to be able to make it financially.  It has not been easy and in addition to my full time job, I have worked a part time job the past 10 years.  When my son was a sophomore in high school I decided that I did NOT want to be out of the house working at night, but knew I couldn't make it without the second job.  I continued to work the two jobs and went to school one night a week and on Saturday mornings for a year.  I went to school for medical transcription and had two job offers the same week I finished classes.  I have worked my second job, transcribing, from my home since my son was a junior in high school.  And...after I make my house payment next week, I have THREE more payments before I pay off my mortgage!  If there's a will, there's a way!!  You can do this.  Right now it may look pretty bleak, but it won't always be this way.

As long as you keep moving in the right direction, things will begin to fall in place.  It's going to take time and work, but it is possible.  Just keep moving forward.

DianeS

[faeriedogma]

Again, thank you, Diane.

I am hanging. :? I am scared to death that for some reason the legal case won't go my way and that this place which our equity paid for but was stolen by this guy will result in my having a 30 year mortgage (CD) which means I'll be 75 or dead before it's paid for & if I'm dead, then what happens & if there's a mortgage, all dreams and goals for this place die & a good bit of me with those dreams and goals. Thinking about 30 years of living in a place I'm not allowed to do anything to makes me ill. Do you know what a '95 mobile home will look like in 30 years? I could about break and cry.

You are very kind & patient with me & I appreciate that. I imagine that worrying your son would piddle in the house in your absence wasn't high on your list & by that I should have an easier go at it worry-wise than you had it.  

One day at a time, baby steps, find some ambition and hope.

Lorri G. 

[DianeS]

Lorri,

I know it's easy to stay stop worrying, but I'm going to say it anyway.  At least I'm going to say stop worrying about things that have not even happened yet and things you have no control over.  We have enough to worry about everyday as it is, let alone worrying about things that MAY happen.  You may have to deal with some of the scenarios you listed, but then again you may NOT have to deal with them.  To worry about them now only adds more stress to your life.  Again, I know it is easy for me to say.  I know it's difficult to do.  Shortly after my mom died my ex was deployed to the Gulf War as a reservist.  Immediately after he returned nine months later, we separated and divorced.  I was so stressed at that time.  It began to take a physical, as well as a mental toll on me.  My blood pressure, which had always been low, flew off the chart.  I was only working part time at that time and the financial worries were immense.  I was routinely waking up at 4 a.m. worrying about what MIGHT happen.  I decided one day that I had to get a grip and do something about the worrying.  I started walking regularly and when I walked, I had a rule...I would allow no negative thoughts during that time.  In fact, I made another rule...that I would speak only positive things to myself while I walked.  It was an effort, but when I actually did it, it helped a lot.  Sounds simple, but it wasn't.  I still worried (and still do sometimes), but when I'd start to worry about things that may or may not happen in the future, I forced myself to stop.  You can do that to.  Self-talk is very powerful. 

In addition, I am a Christian and although my faith was tested in a way I'd never imagined during those two years (my brother's unexpected death, mom's death nine months later, husband going to war, separation and divorce, as well as the death of two well-loved pets), I hung onto God and to His word.  We kept going to church, even when I felt like there was a cold, hard rock in my chest.  God is faithful.  My favorite verse during that time, and now, is "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."  I realize that this is not a Christian board per se, but this is what has gotten me through many a dark night. 

I said all that to tell you that even when worries are great and we don't know what lies ahead, we do have a choice in how we deal with it.  We cannot always control what happens, but we CAN control how we react to a situation.  Sometimes that means making a conscious choice to not let those worries get the best of us.  In the end, what does worry get us anyway?  Nothing.  In fact, it usually just makes things worse.  And...if what we feared would happen never does, we've wasted a lot of time and energy that could have been spent on far better things.

Keep moving ahead!

DianeS

[faeriedogma]

Diane,

I'm sure one of these days everything will click & at that light bulb moment I'll slap myself upside the head wondering why it took so long.

You quoted one of my favorite Scriptures! Small world! I, too, pass it along to others when they're confused and don't know what to think.

It seems I've lived my life in fear (& not for imagined reasons) and after so many missteps I'm scared about taking "next steps" because my head & heart can't take another disastrous misstep. Oh, that God would drop His Plan into my lap in plain black and white (illustrations wouldn't hurt either!) so I'd know for certain what step to take on what path! I'm so weary of having everything I do turn out to be the wrong thing, to think I'm climbing the ladder only to find out I've been descending it further.

My heart goes out to you for all you've gone through. You do give hope, that's for sure.

Lorri G. 

[ocprincess]

hello diane,

i started seeing a therapist, today being my second time. i may only go back once more as she is not addressing things as i would like her too. she is adding other issues that can wait for a later time, if they even need to be talked at, at all.

it seems that i see this picture of my mom at her viewing all day long, in my mind's eye. at the viewing i kept touching her, and fixing her clothes and the scarf that covered her head as she had very little hair. my family are not kind, and they would not let me do anything in getting my mom ready. my sister took over like the queen that she is, and made sure that i knew all she did. all she did was all wrong. my mom wanted certain things that i knew of, and others did not. yet i was kept far away by them, and nothing was the way it should have. i am afraid of what i might do to them the next time i am ever around them. as i have said before, i am a kind and gentle person, yet i do not feel that the person will exist should i ever be around them again. god help me.

so i have the tears of her loss, and the tears of a yelling anger towards my sister, and the rest of my family. it seems like i want them to hurt, to feel what it is like to be kept away. everything was all wrong. i remember at the viewing how much my sister kept saying, "i did this, and i did that." i am a kind and gentle person, yet my fist was one second from her face. so the days go by with a whaling kind of cry at some point, and an anger towards my family that is so deep and unkind. i know it takes time, and will get better. but what do i do now with all that i feel, and the days where i do not want to get out of bed? i know it is wrong to hate, yet it seems like that is what i feel. many thanks for writing back to me. much appreciated.

[faeriedogma]

Princess,

{{{HUGZZZ}}}

I believe you are a kind and gentle person who is not feeling hate but the anger associated with the grieving process. It is normal and understandable. Give yourself some time, even some distance from those you'd like to strike out at.

It is sad and frustrating that they marginalized you and "took over" & did things contrary to how you knew they should've been done. I suspect all their "lookit what I did"s arose out of their own guilts, to make themselves feel better, assuage their regrets.

Blessed are the peacekeepers...even if they only keep their peace for a month or two until things simmer down. You do have the right to speak up and be heard. I just don't know that this is the right time to do so given that you seem to be dealing with people who are thinking of themselves ~ you, too, are thinking of yourself and that's OK. I'm just saying that everybody's raw right now & letting some time pass may take some of the sharpness out of the words you'd like to speak & get better results in the end.  

I know what it's like to be frustrated by a therapist. It's also hard to have to start over with a new therapist. Take the bull by the horns at your next meeting and tell the therapist what's foremost on your list and screaming to be dealt with and go from there. You have the right to be heard. Then, if your therapist still isn't listening to or helping you, end that relationship and look for another. This may sound really sexist, because you may think all therapists graduate out of the same school (so to speak), but is the therapist you're having trouble with a male therapist? I do not do well with male therapists. They do not "get" me. They may have the psychology part down pat but score zeroes in emotions (in my experience). You might check out: http://www.languageheart.com . 

Lorri G.   

[ocprincess]

hi lorri,

such warm and healing words you send to me. you get me, just with the few words that i have shared. i can't say that about most people these days. even on the internet one has to 'listen'.

today is the 4th month since mom went away. tears drop now and then. i want to find something to do, for each month that she is gone. no one else is. they never did. all they did was bad mouth her. even when my mom and i had hard times between us, i would call her and the wounds would heal.

where are you now mom? i miss you and need you so much. i see you in my mind, and hear your voice as well. it's not enough. am i being selfish? i don't know. how long with this go on?

again, many thanks for your kindness lorrie. so very much appreciated. i think i came to the right place by becoming a part of this website. bye for now. peace~

carol~ hugs back to you!

[chicagogina]

I hear what you are saying today, too ... Sunday was exactly 4 months since MY dear Mom and Best Friend passed away. I thought time was supposed to HEAL my wounds. But today I am just as sad and just as lonely and crying just as much as I was 4 months ago. Today is a very melancholy day. I came home to the lonely house. No one here. No messages on my answering machine. Only stupid catalogs in the mail. Such a lousy, lonely existance. Oh, Momma -- I KNOW you are in a FAR BETTER place and oh, how I long to be with you!!!!!!!!!!! People tell me to move on and live my own life but the ONLY life I've EVER known is WITH YOU. So, now who am I and what do I do in this lonely life without you, the light of my life?! Will anyone EVER understand how much I miss you and how much you will ALWAYS mean to me? My sisters certainly do NOT understand because WE were always the closest. I was your baby. I lived with you ALL of my life. You took care of me and I took care of you. We shopped and went to dinner and visited the relatives and went on vacations ... ALWAYS TOGETHER. And now it is just me and my world is SO LONELY without you, my sweet Angel. How much longer do I have to go on like this???

[faeriedogma]

Princess,

{{{HUGZZZ}}}

Give yourself time.

 

Lorri G.

[faeriedogma]

{{{HUGZZZ}}}

[chicagogina]

Another LONELY day here ... It's been almost 5 months since Mom died ... 8 months since she went into the hospital and I was left in the house all alone. Daddy died when I was only 13. It hasn't gotten ANY easier. Now the stupid property taxes are due ... and other taxes will be due very soon. I just HATE having to do EVERYTHING ALL ALONE and ALL on my OWN ALL of the time!!! The hole in my heart is HUGE. She was the light of my life, my Mom and my Best Friend. I miss her every single day and just wish this INCREDIBLE ACHE would get at least a LITTLE better!

And then everyone expects it to and I have to keep reminding them how long Mom and I lived together and of EVERYTHING we did TOGETHER because NONE of them actually "get it"! THEY didn't live with her all of their lives like I did. She wasn't THEIR Best Friend or THEIR EVERYTHING ... She was only that to ME. My sisters lost a Mother, too, but they both have their lives and are able to go on ... Mom WAS my life, so now what?

[dawn08]

Dear "chicagogina"

I get it. I completely understand where you are and feel your hurt as I am feeling it too and it has been over a year. My Mom was my confidant, she knew and understood me without me explaining anything.

I find also that I can't release to anyone because people are just not comfortable discussing loss. None of my friends have lost their Mom and her friends have "moved on". So the loneliness can be so consuming.

I have been looking online for the first time to reach out and find women experiencing this type of loss. This is my second day and unfortunately I haven't had any replies to my posts, I at least did the first step of reaching out.

Do you have anyone who you can reach out to when all the life's responsibilities get overwhelming? Does your church have a bereavement group? Can you contact the department for taxes to see if you qualify for assistance or extra time based on your situation? These are just ideas that have come to me. I hope it can help.

Chicago is where my Mom is from. It is a great town, although a bit on the cold side right now. Take care.

[mikesmum]

Happy Birthday Mum - Its been 3 years this May since you returned to Dad, a patient man who waited 24yrs to sweep you up into his arms and swirl you across the dance floor again. 

I hope your birthday is special this year with Mike now together with you and his beloved Bippa.  Bill misses you terribly, always your baby he feels lost at times.  We both miss picking up the phone or taking you for coffee.  It hits most when we need someone to tell us about our family or our past, you were our 'keeper of the past'

Remember when we did the Jetboat in Bay of Islands, New Zealand?  (The photo below).  I think you were 72!!  You dare devil you.....

I hope your day is filled with light and you can feel the love from those who stay behind....

Happy Birthday Mum - Love  Trudi (you know, the girl).

[chicagogina]

[user=19358]dawn08[/user] wrote:

Dear "chicagogina"

I get it. I completely understand where you are and feel your hurt as I am feeling it too and it has been over a year. My Mom was my confidant, she knew and understood me without me explaining anything.

I find also that I can't release to anyone because people are just not comfortable discussing loss. None of my friends have lost their Mom and her friends have "moved on". So the loneliness can be so consuming.

I have been looking online for the first time to reach out and find women experiencing this type of loss. This is my second day and unfortunately I haven't had any replies to my posts, I at least did the first step of reaching out.

Do you have anyone who you can reach out to when all the life's responsibilities get overwhelming? Does your church have a bereavement group? Can you contact the department for taxes to see if you qualify for assistance or extra time based on your situation? These are just ideas that have come to me. I hope it can help.

Chicago is where my Mom is from. It is a great town, although a bit on the cold side right now. Take care.

Thanks for the reply, Dawn. I hope you have gotten more responses to your posts. Yes, I am very blessed in that my sisters, even though they don't "get it", are VERY helpful when it comes to things like the taxes, etc. And I've been attending bereavement counseling through the Hospice Center where Mom died, so that, too, has been very helpful. It's just those lonely times after work, or when I get home from visiting one of my sisters, or being out with a friend, and then I'm back in that lonely house all over again, just wishing Mom was there so I could tell her about my day, and give her a hug and tell her I love her, just like I always did. I MISS HER SOOOO MUCH ... It literally hurts sometimes.

Is your Mom from right IN Chicago, or one of the outlying suburbs? You're right; it IS a GREAT town ... except for in the winter, and this one has been particularly bad. Ya know, one of my very insightful friends reminded me the other day that my Mom got sick and went into the hospital on my 50th birthday. I then spent the rest of the Summer running back & forth to and from the hospital and rehab center and hospice unit. I held her had when she took her last breath. 20 days later would have been her 90th birthday, a day we were SO looking forward to. A month after that was Thanksgiving, my first holiday without her. Then came Christmas, her favorite holiday. And a month after that we entered one of the snowiest, darkest most dreary winters we have had here in a very LONG time. She said, "No wonder you're depressed!" And I think she's right. HOPEFULLY, once Spring actually comes and I see some GREEN and some FLOWERS, things will start to look up ... At least I HOPE so!!!

[chicagogina]

Today is exactly 9 months since you left me, Mommy. I have made some adjustments. Most days I am actually doing somewhat "all right." But, somehow, on the 20th of every month, I am reminded of how much I miss you and how much I will ALWAYS love you. Friends and family have been nothing but WONDERFUL, but, of course, NONE of them are YOU! You were my EVERYTHING and I look forward to the day when we can be reunited in a better place where we NEVER have to say "good-bye" again. I love you. I miss you and I know I always will. The world is crazy. Thank you for taking SUCH GOOD CARE of me in life, and in death. I have SO MUCH to thank you for! I always knew what a STRONG woman you were but I really had NO IDEA just what a GEM you were until I was forced to spend all this time ALONE, and WITHOUT YOU. I was SOOOO VERY BLESSED to have YOU as my Mother!!! Guess it just makes NOW all that much harder. I loved you SO MUCH and you loved me just as much, if not more. So now the grieving is hard and long. But I look forward to that glorious day when we can be together again forever. I love you and miss you more than words could EVER say ...