Friends???

[eirelassey]

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I lost my father to alzheimers I was a caregiver then i year later my brother died and 6 monts later my mother died. Iwas very close to them and did alot of the caregiving. I also was losing my job and looking for another one, talk about stress!!!!!!!My friends I thought who would be there for me pretty much abandoned me I have not heard from them in 2 years. I recently heard from one of them and they invited me to a holiday party. I wrote them an email explaining why I wouldn't feel comfortable coming and how I felt about the way they were notthere for me, not even a phone call. When I reached out to them they basically blew me off. I was devastated,  thank God he surounded me with new friends who cared for me. I am still responsible for a sister in a nursing home who is dying of a dementia related illness.I feel stronger now and I have a good job and am healing from all of this. Has anyone one had a similar experience with friends like this??Do I rekindle these relationships or write them off? I think I did the right thing by writing them a letter expressing how I feel and felt then. I would welcome your feedback..Thank you!

[veronica74]

i agree with you completly i would blow them off they arent friends at all

 

they are what we called good time buddies when things are good and you have time or money they are right there at your door

 

when things are looking down they are gone for good till things get better again and then they are back

[nickche]

I too experienced something similar with my "close" friends when my father died 10 months ago.  Two friends that I thought would be there for me to offer support I did not hear from for several weeks after the funeral.  In addition to the grief I was experiencing I was also very hurt by my two closest friends.  I was very confused by their behavior.  I did share my hurt feelings with one friend.  She said she had no idea she had hurt me.  We are still friends but our relationship is not the same.  I do not confide in her the way I did for so many years.  The only reasoning I can think of for their behavior is that they both still have their parents and have not experienced that kind of a loss before so may not have known how to react.  I do know that I am more sensitive now to those experiencing the loss of a parent.

I don't know if that helps but coming here does help and there a lots of others who understand what you are going through. 

[eirelassey]

Thank you. IT does validate my feelings to hear other stories. It is like you are so hurt from losing my mopther brother and father and your friends disappear at a time yu need them the most. It is a double loss Thanks for sharing. I will never feel the same about them.

[gracerose]

My beautiful Mom passed away just over 7 months ago. One of my close friends who was there with me in my Mom's final days and up to the day of the funeral, just dropped out of sight afterwards. I would call her up some days just to talk and she would always say "well your Mom is in a better place." That did not make me feel good so I quit calling her.

She didn't call me except once to talk about herself and all her life issues...basically dumping on me. I thought it was insensitive of her but I just listened to her then ended the call. I don't understand someone who can be there for you at the time you lose your loved one, up to the funeral, then just disappear. As though life would just get back to normal after the funeral.

Then again, she has both her parents and does not know what it feels like to watch your Mom die and then try to carry on without her. I don't have anger towards her even though her behaviour has hurt me a lot. I just don't bother with her anymore. I'm fortunate to have a couple of other very good friends who are there for me no matter what, though I realize it must be hard for them to know what I'm going through. They readily admit they don't know how I feel, yet they can show me love and support anyway. As for my other so-called good friend, all I can do is pray that she will find the comfort and support she will need when she goes through this kind of loss.

[marie111907]

It is interesting to hear that I am not the only one who is/has experienced this... My 'best' friend was there with me the day my mom ended up in the hospital which in my mind is the day we lost her... Her spirit left that day till her body joined her 6 days later... She was with me at the hosptial a few times, called and checked in, came to the viewing, and VANISHED... She sent me messages about 1 -2 times a week then stopped all together... I then heard from her so she could ask for something for HER MOM's surprise 50th birthday party... My mom didn't make it to 50!!! She was only 44... I told her when she came by that I was going to try with everything in me to make it out that night but only for an hour or two... I called when I got there and she said she was waiting for a few people... 2 HOURS later when I left she finally arrived... And acted like I should have waited or come back... I had also asked her about volunteering with me for a few hours during a holiday weekend this coming January only for her to cop out on me TWICE!!! That was it... I had told her I needed her and that although I wasn't that up to going out much that she could come by... That I needed her to keep me company from time to time... That I needed to talk... And nothing came of that... Like it was in one ear and out the other... I told her that I have come to realize she never was a true friend but an aquaintance... I have found out that I have 3 TRUE friends... And one of which I had never expected... Without fail she checks in with me everyday... And if I tell her it isn't a good day she chats for a while like usual and checks back in the evening again to see how I am doing... That's a friend... I am still young, but the oldest of two... I am the rock in my house... I moved back home to be with my dad and sister and with being the oldest I understand that a lot has been laid upon my shoulders... The people I need around to help ME grieve should be my friends while I help my dad and sister through their grief... GRRRR!!! Why aren't they there?!?! Do they think that once services are done and everyone goes home that we will be alright... That was the easy part!!! We were like robots then... Just getting everything done and in order... Now we feel... and the pain is just too much... Mom past only 1 month ago... 1 month before her 26th Wedding Anniversary... 1 month before Christmas... 1 Month before New Year's... Which was also her 1st date with my dad 27 years ago...

[eirelassey]

Well i am glad to know I am not alone this. After 2 years of not hearing from them one of them called me to go to a party, where the 3 friends that dumped me whe I lost 3 of my family members would be. One just had a baby, another got married etc.. so I wrote a letter to them explaining how i felt and that i really coudn't waLK into a party and act like everything was fine and nothing happened. I explained how I was hurt by their abandonment at a time i needed them the most. i was there for them whem their mother died. Immaturity and selfishness comes in all ages and all sizes. That is what i attribute it to. I was raised to put others first. However it is hard to live in a world where the majority of the world is thinking of number 1.

I now have learned a valuable lesson that i will be there for the peole who are there for me and the others well, too bad for them!!!

[robinann202]

I am responding to all of you on this topic, of "friendship"  being there and all.  I went through this too.  i couldn't and still dont understand what it is.  I was there for many people in my life, especially my friends who needed.  I gave my all and went beyond.  I need and it is a different story.  I was hurt just like you all too.  I never dreamed my "friends" wouldnt be there.  I have really backed away from everyone because of it.  sometimes I miss them, but i let it go.  There a few in particular that I was very close to and am to this day devastated in their behavior.  Its not like they dont know me, they know I needed and need them to this day, but I guess it works one way.  It was hard to find out who really wasnt your friend and I hung on for a long time.  I have alot of anger and hurt because of them.  I thought a friend is there no matter what, they never had to ask-or say--they need--and even when I did say I need--they didnt come--What is up with that?  Right now I am very alone, but I do not want anyone fake or anyone who doesnt know the meaning of friendship and being there.  It really broke my heart.  I wish you all werent dealing with this part of loss, but it happens and it is hard to keep any kind of freindship with them.  The one's that know--actually disappointed me more.  they know I need them-they know what i am going through-and they arent here.  That really gets me, honestly.  I have done many things I shouldnt of during my grieving and dealing with other things--if my "friends" were here-half of the things I wouldnt of ever done.  I was searching for someone--anyone, not good when you are hurt--you find all the worng ones who intentionally hurt you.  I am angry and hurt--I have gone to the point and told a few closefriends that i needed them to be here--just be here--that's all--never came through--that's just cruel to me.  If anyone feels differently, please dont hesitate to let me know...Robin

[perfectfan]

Oh friends?  Forget it, we can jolly well depend on our own.  Such people like them wouldn't understand the depth of pain unless experienced.  I'd love to watch that day come, and I'd pretend like I had been through it all and I'm able to handle things on my own.

Anyway, I suppose we can't really blame them as well because firstly, they don't know how it feels like to lose a parent.  Secondly, we were all emotionaly distraught and get sensitive easily.  (I believe my emotions are still clouded now)  I remembered 3 years ago, when I heard the news of my friend's mum who died of breast cancer.  At that point of time, all I felt was empathy.  Nothing else.  I told my, who was then alive and kicking mum how terrible it'd be if I were to lose her.  That possibility of my own mother getting cancer never crossed my mind.  Until last year, my worse nightmare came true.  She was down with stage 3 ovarian cancer.  After the op and all, she was fine, until chemo killed her.  I was emotionally and physically drained at that point of time.  There were people whom I don't talk to whom came and offered their condolences, which I truly abhor.  But out of courtesy, I had to entertain them.  Friends came forth as well, but none of them were never once there for me emotionally, expect for two I guess.  And both are guys, how sweet of them right?  (I'm a female btw hahaha).  One of them kept smsing with me for the first month she passed away.  In retrospective, that really helped alot because mainly I was distracted from the death of my mum temporary while engaging in other topics and because I had an avenue to vent out whatever emotions I was feeling.  Another one was always there whenever I needed him.  It's like he's one of those few who knows how to cheer you up when you're down, offer some fresh insights and get your feet back on your ground.  I very much treasure these friendships. =)

As for the girls, we don't really talk about emotional issues (besides hot guys hahaha) but they came forward and offered their condolences.  At times it gets pretty fake but I'm glad many of them were considerate enough to say the right things at the right time.

But the most disappointing factor was that in a fit of anger I broke up with my boyfriend last dec in a old fashion manner (ie: quarrel/cold war).  I was so stressed and seriously don't have the time to pacify him or whatsoever even though till now I don't believe it was partly my fault.  He was the one who doesn't want to give in to me at that point of time.  I understand his family situation aint good either (parents fighting, as always) but hey.. I was at the verge of losing my mum :/  Sigh, but well I've always wondered if life'd be easier if he was there when I needed him the most.  Owell, it's over now and I believe I've emerged as a much stronger person.  This life I'll never forget something he told me (when we were 'friends' again, having a conversation), "nobody will feel sorry for you".  That statement hurts, knowing it came out from him but it acted as a wake-up call for me.  True enough, like it or not life goes on with or without a mother and nobody will feel the pinch of you.  That's how cold this world is.

-

Then again, have you ever wondered... sometimes we just need to make the first move and help will arrive at your hands.  Still, it takes alot of courage to do that.  I wouldn't like it if someone were to tell me "I understand" because as a matter of factly, they do and will never understand.  Next, I hate cliches like "life goes on", "she's in better place".  Yeah but I don't wanna hear all these, because no matter how life goes on it will never be the same again.  A life without a mother, who was my best friend, my sister, my wonderful companion and the awesome advisor whom I often sought for.  It'd never be the same again.

Still, with or without support, we make it somehow.  What doesn't kill us, make us stronger

We're the warriors!

[robinann202]

That was very nicely put and I agree to it all, this all does make us stronger whether we see it or not at the time....Robin

[ramsfan]

Okay Ladies,

Count me on the lack of compassion of "best friends".  When my mom passed my friends were there to help out.  It seemed once my Mom was buried everyone forget my phone number.  The excuse I heard was they didn't think I wanted to bothered or I needed time for myself.  HELLO!!!!  I'm despressed I need people around me!!  I made the attempt to call my best friend  who said  "if you ever need anything" I'm here for you".  It seemed I always caught her at a bad time.. A few times she said she would call me back in a few minutes - a couple weeks of waiting  I would try calling again. It seemed when I did talk to her she rambled about herself and her other friends.  I was pissed off one night and said , do you think you could give me a chance to talk.  But then I was so upset I didnt want to talk to her.  It's been 8 months since my Mom passed away  and our friendship  faded soon after. That was my best friend my other friends skip over the subject of how I'm doing.  I've talked to  people I know who I really didn't consider friends just people I knew but they became very compassionate towards my feelings.  After a few sentences I knew they were suffering as well and also needed to talk feeling the same as me about their loss.  Losses I didn't they had suffered - some going back a few years til recent .   It seems when you have something in common it's easier to open up - and these people allow me to do so. I don't hear the stupid cliches - "In a better place', shes not suffering, she had a long life" So what I've decdied to do is invite my "friends" over every few months so we can - talk, laugh , cry whatever - but no one will feel shut out  nor alone. After all isn't  that what true friends are suppose to do?

We're in this together you guys  .. so if anyone needs to chat - guess what - I do too!!

Ruth           

[minnababy]

wow. it's kind of nice to find out that i'm not alone in feeling like pretty much all my friends ditched me when i really needed them. my mum died last july. i was on summer holidays from uni. i saw my best friend once after my mum died, then she went back to her uni which is miles and miles away. she went back in august, term didn't start til october. she wanted to see her boyfriend. i felt like at the moment when i needed her the most, she left me. i've seen her once since then, and she barely contacts me, despite every attempt i've made. i think she still sees us as best friends, but to me our relationship has changed forever. i understand that there's no way that any of my friends could possibly begin to understand what it feels like to lose their mum cos they all still have theirs, but surely it would be obvious that i'm going to need them a LOT. my other friends have been better in the sense that we keep in contact, meet up a lot, i feel a hell of a lot closer to them than i ever did before, but even with them i feel as though i have to avoid talking about how i'm feeling, how much i miss my mum, how much i'm hurting. it's like they spend time with me, but we can't talk about any of the stuff i really need to.

it's just like none of them know what to say, so they avoid ever mentioning how i'm feeling. and if i ever bring it up they look so awkward, and it's obvious they just don't know what to say, so i have to change the subject. i have to constantly pretend i'm happy/okay just so that they don't feel awkward. my friends at uni say things that really hurt, i know they don't mean them but telling me i'm so lucky to get an extension on some of the work we have to do (basically cos i can't concentrate, can't do anything anymore), i don't feel lucky. it seems like such an insensitive thing to say, isn't it obvious i'd give anything to have my mum back, how does getting extra time to do some work possibly compare? i want the same time as everyone else to do my work cos that would mean i was okay, that would mean my mum was still here. or the thing that really gets to me is when my friends, one in particular, moans about her mum all the time. i wish she could see how lucky she is. once i got so mad i told her and she said something like 'you'd understand if you had to live with my family', well it certainly has to be better than not having a family.

ten months ago i lost my mummy, i didn't realise i'd have to lose my friends as well.  that's truely what it feels like. i feel like i lost everyone.

[robinann202]

Yes, I never thought i would lose my "Friends" either, it is sad, and hard to deal with.  I have lost so many to death, never thought the "living" friends  would go too.  Today is a bad day for me to discuss friends, I'm so upset, and angry.  Take care all....Robin

[annecannon]

Gosh.  This has just happened to me, too.  Maybe this phenomenon of friends disappearing  at your time of need is more prevalent than we think.  I don't know what or why it has happened.  All I know is that I sure could use her help. 

 

Robin, hang in there.  You are such a good girl.  Your mom is so proud of you.

[robinann202]

Thank-you anne

[eirelassey]

I think this is more common than we think and I am not sure why. My sister went to a grief support group and she found many people saying that they lost close friends during their time of need when a family member passed. It is strange to me not to have compassion or empathy for other human beings. Maybe they think they will "catch it""or is it just plain simple selfishness in our society. The Me First syndrome.

Alls I know is that my friends list has dwindled and I found out through this tragic experience who was really there for me and who wasn't I am not keeping a score cardbut the only thing I can think  of is to get to the point where you have to say,

"Forgive them Father, for they not know what they do"

 

I truly believe that we can't expect them to understand unless they have been there themselves and they have to have a certain level of maturity for this. Just my thoughts!! Mary

[DianeS]

I'm sure part of the reason friends either disappear or don't say anything is that they just plain don't know what to say.  I've found myself in that same position, even though I've been through loss and understand how much it means for people to let me talk about it.  A number of years ago when my youngest brother was killed in an air force plane crash I had an experience with a "friend" that to this day still causes me to just shake my head.  It was three weeks between my brother's death and the release of his body for the funeral.  Those three weeks were hell for my family.  A couple of days after the funeral this particular friend, who often monopolized most of our conversations anyway, called.  She went on for about 10 minutes with her whining over trivial things.  She then said, "So, have you cried all of your tears by now?"  I don't even remember my response.  What I do remember was when I hung up I knew it would be the last time we talked.  I cut her out of my life and never looked back.  Although people should be forgiven for some of the mistakes they make when we lose someone close to us, you also find out pretty quickly who your real friends are.  Those who really care about you may fumble around for the right words and may even say the wrong thing, but you know they love you and care about you.  They just don't know what to say.  Death is still taboo, unless you're the one affected by it.  My dad died this past Sept. and I've been surprised at how many people completely ignore it.  I can't count the number of times I've wanted to say, "Don't you realize how much this has affected my life?!?"  Instead, I've had to be honest and ask how often I've asked a friend or co-worker how they were doing after a loved one died.  Sadly most of us just move through the days with our own routines and until death hits us in the face we don't take the time to pay attention to those around us who are struggling with loss.  I know I'm just as guity at times.  It doesn't make it feel any better when we're the ones who experience it, but it helps me if I'm honest and take a minute to think if I've done the same thing.  Sadly, I know I have.

DianeS

[sunkenspirits]

I've learned from my own brush with death that support at the level that we believe we need is rare. And that it takes a very special person with the understanding to do that. Unfortunately, most of our friends, are not those people. It's not their fault really. For them, life goes on as normal. They don't feel our pain, they don't understand how encompassing it is. And because their lives go on, problems will pop up, or joys or whatever. I had a friend today tell me about how he doesn't have the money to take a trip right now and will have to forfeit his airline tickets with no refund. And I thought to myself, big freaking deal. I've lost two parents and you are out some money. But you know, I realized that when a close friend lost his father, I didn't feel it as much as I felt the problems in my life. So I can kind of understand why people do that. I don't think it's meant to be insensitive or mean, but the way people are wired, unfortunately. I certainly wish it was different as I am feeling that loneliness very deeply these days myself, and a bit abandoned.

[DianeS]

Amen.  I know exactly what you mean.  I just got back from a walk and the whole time I was thinking about exactly what you talked about.  My friends have not abandoned me, but it sure feels like it at times.  I know part of working through the grief is just giving it time, but sometimes it would be so nice if even one friend would ask how I'm doing.  I just turned 54 and I also think that the older we get, the more people think we should just get on with it.  We all know that our parents are going to die one day and when a parent is in their 70s it's as if the world just takes it all in stride.  Again, I'm as much to blame when it comes to other's losses sometimes, especially when it is an elderly parent.  Regardless of their age, it is always too soon though.  Like you, I want to just shake people when they moan and whine about trivial things.  I adjusted to life without my brother and my mom and I am adjusting to life without my dad, but not a day goes by that I don't miss them and think of them often.  I adjusting, but I hate it.  I hate that they are gone. Period. 

DianeS

[sunkenspirits]

I've had people ask me if I expected them to live forever? I knew deep down in my mind that they wouldn't and that fact was especially made clear when my mother died. I made a point of making Dad understand that I loved him and what he wanted if something would happen to him. I had a bad feeling, after hearing the stories of mates dying shortly after their loved ones, that it would happen. I had hoped Dad would beat the odds, but he didn't. No matter how much you know they won't, it doesn't make it any easier when it happens. People don't really understand that. There is a big difference between expecting something to happen and when it actually does.

[sheela]

i understand thats how i feel about most of my mother family and a few of  her so called friends as well same story

[robinann202]

It really is sad that it is that way--Society is really not educated in this--look at it...Special people are hard to find--when you have them, never let go--u r blessed--I am blessed with friends, and family that i do have--I know.  All the "friends"-"family"--that didnt know what to do--say--or they just didnt take the time--are gone, I kept the special ones!!!!

[DianeS]

Sometimes we just have to chalk it up to the fact that people don't understand.  I know I didn't understand it until I lost someone I loved.  I can compare it to the experience I've had as the parent to a child who is deaf (now an adult). Before she was diagnosed, I'd never even met a deaf person and hadn't a clue what all it meant for her life, my life, the life of our family in general.  Once thrust into that situation it was baptism by fire.  Before that I'd been clueless.  The reactions of others, including those very close to us, was unpredictable, sometimes hurtful, sometime infuriating, sometimes wonderful.  Mostly people walked on egg shells or said nothing because they didn't have any experience with it.  It was very much the same when my brother died.  I hadn't given it much thought about it, or how I should react to others who'd lost someone, until it landed on my doorstep.  I try to keep this in mind when the reaction of others is not what I've expected, or when they say or do something that is hurtful, or just plain ingnorant.  I always try to remind myself that until it affected me personally I was just as clueless.  It helps to be a little more forgiving when I think of it that way.

DianeS

[perfectfan]

i guess we should all share our msn contacts or so, and share our experiences.  cry it out and embrace the sadness hahaha =)

just now, i was just looking through my contact list - i realised i had none, none whom i can have a heart-to-heart talk with. none whom i can relate the loss of my mum, none whom can be there when i truly needed someone.

being the only child worsen the situation, but i guess i've learnt to thrive on independence which is good.  i still have a wonderful dad but i can't talk to him like i do with my mum, it just feels so different and weird.  may i add i have two lovely uncles who offered to move in with us for the time being so that to make "our lives easier". yes, sure enough their presence enough makes that loneliness fades.  i guess thus far, they are the three closest kins in my life right now.  i suppose a true measure of intensity of a relationship (be it kinship or friendship) can be measured when you dare to exposure your vulnerabilities and true self in front of them.  i have always succeded in holding back my tears in public places, in front of other relatives and mum's friends who dropped by to ask how we are doing.  was it out of sheer concern or just plain curiousity?  sometimes i wondered.

but i've realised, my relationship with friends seem to have worsen, many a times i just wanna shut down and face my own soul - no interaction with others, nothing. anti social? maybe.  but i don't wanna talk neither am i interested in conversing with someone who is not related to my mum, who doesnt know anything about her.  it's only through my social interaction with ol' friends that i feel my mum's presence, and the only time where i can be freely myself, with no masks, nothing.

[hansonamysue]

I am going through the same thing too! Some people don't know what to say, so they think it is better to just ignore the situation or not even acknowledge it. (My mother in law being one of those people).

I try to tell myself when it comes to my friends that many of them have not lost a parent, so they don't know what it is like. I am just glad I found this forum to be a part of and share.