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15 Days


Tania

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Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting actually my first time having to deal with death period.

My Dad was killed on February 22, 2011. He was hit by a transport coming home from going shopping. He was only 56 years old and my protector.

I managed to plan the funeral, be there for my kids and siblings. But now it's been 15 days and the grief is just getting worse. Everything reminds me of him. Okay I'm 35 yrs old but I was still Daddy's girl and trying to be strong for everyone else is driving me nuts.

I have never had to endure such pain in my entire life. Between my own grief I've had to put that aside to be strong for my kids and my siblings. I feel if they see ME fall apart then there's no hope for them. I'm the strong independent one. But I can't seem to get the feeling of missing him behind me. I'm lucky I have my partner who seems to have been a god send for me during this time.

After Dad's funeral I put pictures in my living room. I mentioned to my fiancée last night that I should take them down. He asked me if it was making it too hard and I choked up. I went to take a shower and being who he was he took them down last night. At first I panicked. It sounds so silly I know but when I didn't see his pictures I was torn between being relieved and almost like losing him all over again. The urge to tell him to put them back up was so strong. But I didn't. Having to look at them every second of the day was too much. Now I have guilt. Almost like I'm afraid he'd be saying I'm trying to forget him. But I don't want to think about it. Every time I see him I think of that accident that took him away from his 8 kids and 10 grandkids. I feel angry and cheated. My Dad shouldn't be dead. He was supposed to live forever. I know it sounds silly but my dad was a man you would have never guessed would be gone at 56. He was 6'3 and 300 lbs and lived for us.

My middle daughter who's almost 9 was his LOVE he loved her so much and spoiled her, spent every second he could with her. She won't talk about him at all. But does get times when she gets angry and then yells at me that she misses her papa so much. How can I deal with all of this and keep my sanity?

I have a business to run and when people who come in and see me are still saying they're "Sorry". I really am beginning to hate that saying. I said to myself that I will NEVER say I'm sorry to someone who lost a loved one again. I wanted to yell "What are you sorry for?". I know it sounds silly but it brings no comfort to me.

I wait til everyone's gone and then I break down every day before I get ready to go open my office. i'm not sure how long this will go on but I still wait for him to call or come through my door. I was driving home two days ago and it hit me. I'm never going to see him again. I'll never hug him again. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I started hyper ventilating and had to pull over. I'm not sure if it's normal or not to be consumed with all these feelings. Sadness, Guilt, Anger. Most importantly how long.

I know it's long winded and probably doesn't make a lick of sense but I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't express how distraught I am. I just want it to end so I can get on with my life. I don't want to sit here and think "Two weeks ago at this time Dad was pinned and dead in his car." That's exactly what I did last night at 9:30pm. it was two weeks last night.

I think all I'm doing here is trying to find people who will understand that I'm not being childish. That my feelings are okay.

Thank you for listening or rather reading.

T

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Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting actually my first time having to deal with death period.

My Dad was killed on February 22, 2011. He was hit by a transport coming home from going shopping. He was only 56 years old and my protector.

I managed to plan the funeral, be there for my kids and siblings. But now it's been 15 days and the grief is just getting worse. Everything reminds me of him. Okay I'm 35 yrs old but I was still Daddy's girl and trying to be strong for everyone else is driving me nuts.

I have never had to endure such pain in my entire life. Between my own grief I've had to put that aside to be strong for my kids and my siblings. I feel if they see ME fall apart then there's no hope for them. I'm the strong independent one. But I can't seem to get the feeling of missing him behind me. I'm lucky I have my partner who seems to have been a god send for me during this time.

After Dad's funeral I put pictures in my living room. I mentioned to my fiancée last night that I should take them down. He asked me if it was making it too hard and I choked up. I went to take a shower and being who he was he took them down last night. At first I panicked. It sounds so silly I know but when I didn't see his pictures I was torn between being relieved and almost like losing him all over again. The urge to tell him to put them back up was so strong. But I didn't. Having to look at them every second of the day was too much. Now I have guilt. Almost like I'm afraid he'd be saying I'm trying to forget him. But I don't want to think about it. Every time I see him I think of that accident that took him away from his 8 kids and 10 grandkids. I feel angry and cheated. My Dad shouldn't be dead. He was supposed to live forever. I know it sounds silly but my dad was a man you would have never guessed would be gone at 56. He was 6'3 and 300 lbs and lived for us.

My middle daughter who's almost 9 was his LOVE he loved her so much and spoiled her, spent every second he could with her. She won't talk about him at all. But does get times when she gets angry and then yells at me that she misses her papa so much. How can I deal with all of this and keep my sanity?

I have a business to run and when people who come in and see me are still saying they're "Sorry". I really am beginning to hate that saying. I said to myself that I will NEVER say I'm sorry to someone who lost a loved one again. I wanted to yell "What are you sorry for?". I know it sounds silly but it brings no comfort to me.

I wait til everyone's gone and then I break down every day before I get ready to go open my office. i'm not sure how long this will go on but I still wait for him to call or come through my door. I was driving home two days ago and it hit me. I'm never going to see him again. I'll never hug him again. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I started hyper ventilating and had to pull over. I'm not sure if it's normal or not to be consumed with all these feelings. Sadness, Guilt, Anger. Most importantly how long.

I know it's long winded and probably doesn't make a lick of sense but I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't express how distraught I am. I just want it to end so I can get on with my life. I don't want to sit here and think "Two weeks ago at this time Dad was pinned and dead in his car." That's exactly what I did last night at 9:30pm. it was two weeks last night.

I think all I'm doing here is trying to find people who will understand that I'm not being childish. That my feelings are okay.

Thank you for listening or rather reading.

T

Tania, Your feelings are VERY normal. We go through it all, anxiety, guilt, anger, depression, feeling like we aren't going to be able to ever be normal again. There is no timeline...I wish there was. I only know these things because I went to a grief support group on Monday night and that is what they told me! If you think it would be helpful, look up one near you. You will be in a room full of people who understand the depth of your grief. I can't say I know how you feel because each grief is unique, but I can tell you I wake up thinking about my mom, cry sporadically throughout the day and then think and talk to her at night. I keep asking her to show me she is ok. And I know what you mean about people saying they are "sorry". Yesterday I talked to a lady who runs our UPS store and she said that after she lost her husband she thought she physically attack the next person who told her he was "sorry about Bob". In truth, there are no words.

I think it helps to come here. It feels safe to me. I lost my dear mom on 2/25 and still feel in shock. Know that you are accepted here and there is no judgment, only the comfort of others whose hearts are broken too.

Susan

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Tania, Your feelings are VERY normal. We go through it all, anxiety, guilt, anger, depression, feeling like we aren't going to be able to ever be normal again. There is no timeline...I wish there was. I only know these things because I went to a grief support group on Monday night and that is what they told me! If you think it would be helpful, look up one near you. You will be in a room full of people who understand the depth of your grief. I can't say I know how you feel because each grief is unique, but I can tell you I wake up thinking about my mom, cry sporadically throughout the day and then think and talk to her at night. I keep asking her to show me she is ok. And I know what you mean about people saying they are "sorry". Yesterday I talked to a lady who runs our UPS store and she said that after she lost her husband she thought she physically attack the next person who told her he was "sorry about Bob". In truth, there are no words.

I think it helps to come here. It feels safe to me. I lost my dear mom on 2/25 and still feel in shock. Know that you are accepted here and there is no judgment, only the comfort of others whose hearts are broken too.

Susan

Thank you Susan.

I had someone come in my office yesterday and said "I am so sorry to hear about your dad" I literally had one of those visions of leaping over my desk and wrapping my hands around his neck. haha

I think taking down Dad's pictures helped. I used to see him as soon as I walked in the living room and then again when I walked out (two pictures strategically placed after the funeral). And I think Dad would understand. He would never have wanted to see me in so much pain.

The details of another accident came on the news yesterday and I had such a flash of deja vu. Details were exactly like my father's death exactly two weeks before. Crossed yellow line, slammed into a transport, wasn't wearing a seatbelt. This happened aprox 70 km from my dad's crash site. I had to take a deep breath to stop from screaming my head off.

I could literally feel the pain the other family was going through... he was 51, dad was 56... :(

It's making me wonder if the Transport drivers may be more at fault then they're being given credit for. I'm not blaming anyone please understand before I get into trouble.. I have an uncle who has over a million miles accident free under is belt... So I know there are fabulous Trailer drivers out there. I've gotten a new fear of the highway and Transports.

Just another vice I'll have to work through I guess.

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Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting actually my first time having to deal with death period.

My Dad was killed on February 22, 2011. He was hit by a transport coming home from going shopping. He was only 56 years old and my protector.

I managed to plan the funeral, be there for my kids and siblings. But now it's been 15 days and the grief is just getting worse. Everything reminds me of him. Okay I'm 35 yrs old but I was still Daddy's girl and trying to be strong for everyone else is driving me nuts.

I have never had to endure such pain in my entire life. Between my own grief I've had to put that aside to be strong for my kids and my siblings. I feel if they see ME fall apart then there's no hope for them. I'm the strong independent one. But I can't seem to get the feeling of missing him behind me. I'm lucky I have my partner who seems to have been a god send for me during this time.

After Dad's funeral I put pictures in my living room. I mentioned to my fiancée last night that I should take them down. He asked me if it was making it too hard and I choked up. I went to take a shower and being who he was he took them down last night. At first I panicked. It sounds so silly I know but when I didn't see his pictures I was torn between being relieved and almost like losing him all over again. The urge to tell him to put them back up was so strong. But I didn't. Having to look at them every second of the day was too much. Now I have guilt. Almost like I'm afraid he'd be saying I'm trying to forget him. But I don't want to think about it. Every time I see him I think of that accident that took him away from his 8 kids and 10 grandkids. I feel angry and cheated. My Dad shouldn't be dead. He was supposed to live forever. I know it sounds silly but my dad was a man you would have never guessed would be gone at 56. He was 6'3 and 300 lbs and lived for us.

My middle daughter who's almost 9 was his LOVE he loved her so much and spoiled her, spent every second he could with her. She won't talk about him at all. But does get times when she gets angry and then yells at me that she misses her papa so much. How can I deal with all of this and keep my sanity?

I have a business to run and when people who come in and see me are still saying they're "Sorry". I really am beginning to hate that saying. I said to myself that I will NEVER say I'm sorry to someone who lost a loved one again. I wanted to yell "What are you sorry for?". I know it sounds silly but it brings no comfort to me.

I wait til everyone's gone and then I break down every day before I get ready to go open my office. i'm not sure how long this will go on but I still wait for him to call or come through my door. I was driving home two days ago and it hit me. I'm never going to see him again. I'll never hug him again. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I started hyper ventilating and had to pull over. I'm not sure if it's normal or not to be consumed with all these feelings. Sadness, Guilt, Anger. Most importantly how long.

I know it's long winded and probably doesn't make a lick of sense but I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't express how distraught I am. I just want it to end so I can get on with my life. I don't want to sit here and think "Two weeks ago at this time Dad was pinned and dead in his car." That's exactly what I did last night at 9:30pm. it was two weeks last night.

I think all I'm doing here is trying to find people who will understand that I'm not being childish. That my feelings are okay.

Thank you for listening or rather reading.

T

Tania,

Every single things you've described feeling is perfectly normal for people who have experienced grief. The overwhelming, irrational anxiety almost drove me crazy when my dad died. The constant thinking "well, three days ago he was talking, and now he's in the ground" type of freaking out will subside pretty soon. It takes a month or two, and then you should start feeling that particular feeling go away.

The anger and sadness, well that will take awhile.

Don't be afraid to express your grief in public if you can't help it. Cry if you need to. I would be just standing in Walmart when it would hit me, and I'd finish my shopping while crying. Although people did look at me oddly, I actually had a cashier tear up and almost cry herself when she asked me what was wrong. Her mother had recently passed, so she understood. Now, I've become friends of a sort with her.

I find it hard to believe anyone would think your mourning over your father is childish. I mean, wow, what do they expect? You love him! Of course you miss him.

We will listen to you and be here for you,

ModKonnie

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Just a little update.

Tomorrow is going to mark the 4 week/1Month anniversary since my dad was taken from us. Life is moving on as everyone said it would, but that I refused to believe would happen. It all feels like it happened so long ago instead of only a month ago. I'm back to taking the highway again. Still a tad weary when I come across a big rig and some days I can't face it and take what we call "the old road" to get where I'm going. I've even managed to be able to take the same stretch of highway where the accident happened. I still find myself craning my neck to see if the marks are still on the road or not.

Funny thing is the 3 times I passed that stretch a song that would come on would make me tear up. The first time it was "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey, Second time was "That's my Job" by Conway Twitty and the Third time was "Someone's Watching Over Me" by Hilary Duff. I'm not sure if I should feel comforted OR a tad heeby jeebyed.

My mother fell going up the stairs of the Post Office the day before Yesterday and she called me last night and said to me, "Tania, don't get freaked but when I fell yesterday it was like I was going in slow motion, I'm not even hurt. It felt like someone was holding me so I wouldn't fall." My mother had a stroke 3 yrs ago and was never the same since. I was there and it did look like a whole slow motion thing.

I Used to be the first before to tell you that the "afterlife" was a whole crock but now I'm beginning to think that it's not so much at all. I always thought people wanted to MUCH to believe that there was a life after death that they read things into things that weren't really so. Maybe that's the case here too but now that I've lost someone so close to me I really want to believe that one day we'll truly see each other again and that death isn't THE END.

Every single day is a little easier. And things do get better. I'll always miss him. I know that but I know that it's alright to feel that way and I shouldn't feel ashamed.

He was my dad and I loved him so much that to me he'll never truly be gone. Just out there somewhere watching over us.

Taniasmile.gif

Tania,

Every single things you've described feeling is perfectly normal for people who have experienced grief. The overwhelming, irrational anxiety almost drove me crazy when my dad died. The constant thinking "well, three days ago he was talking, and now he's in the ground" type of freaking out will subside pretty soon. It takes a month or two, and then you should start feeling that particular feeling go away.

The anger and sadness, well that will take awhile.

Don't be afraid to express your grief in public if you can't help it. Cry if you need to. I would be just standing in Walmart when it would hit me, and I'd finish my shopping while crying. Although people did look at me oddly, I actually had a cashier tear up and almost cry herself when she asked me what was wrong. Her mother had recently passed, so she understood. Now, I've become friends of a sort with her.

I find it hard to believe anyone would think your mourning over your father is childish. I mean, wow, what do they expect? You love him! Of course you miss him.

We will listen to you and be here for you,

ModKonnie

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Tania, I believe your Dad IS watching over you and offering you comfort. So many things have happened that seemed like my mom comforting me. It has been. It will be four weeks for me on Friday and in some ways it feels like it happened a long time ago. In some ways the grief feels like it just happened. I was thinking as I was driving to work that it didn't seem that long ago that I was a teenager living with my parents in Ct. Then it wasn't very much longer and I was a young mother of four and my mom was the proud grandma. From there it just sort of fast forwarded to the present. Mom and Dad are gone and I feel like I have no foundation. I suppose life will never be the exact same again, but maybe if we let ourselves be open to their prescence and comfort it can be good and whole again.

susan

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Tania,

I am so happy to hear that you are moving forward. It is tough, and of course, you will always miss your dad. I understand that, because I lost mine in August 2009. Some days are tougher than others, but I am so relieved to hear you sound much more positive and upbeat than you did.

Thanks for checking in and keeping us posted. We do care.

ModKonnie

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Tania,

I feel the same as you do. I was also Daddys girl... and as MORBID as it sounds.. I had my alarm on my phone go off every day at the time of his death ) 10:57am. I did that for weeks! I finally turned the alarm off for good and I had the same emotions you had about the pictures. I was relieved but felt like I was losing him again! I cry ALL the time still and not a day goes by that I dont wish he was with me. Or that he would call. I still remember what our last conversation was about and I still remember what he looked like in the hospital (even tho I really HOPE that goes away as it was so horrible). But I am hopeful that every day I am healing. And the next one wont be AS painful as the one before it.

I can NOT listen to "Dance with my father" Celine Dion or "One more Day" Diamond Rio. Tears me up!

And I believe that your dad is still with you and your family - just my own experience is that I had 2 deer run into my car as I was driving the highway a few days after his death. They ran not only into the back of the car, but the front causing the deer to go flying! I was going 45 MPH on the highway! I pulled over and had absolutely NO damage! Not even a scratch. Dad was there. Definitely. Just like with your mom. :) They are just looking out for their loves! (((HUGS)))

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