Afraid of what's to come...

[amandalees]

Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting on this site. I lost my mom to colon cancer 4 months ago, on October 17th, 2010. I still cannot believe it happened and I don't know how long it will take to actually sink in. I am only 21 years old and i'm just kind of lost without her. I can't seem to get the images of seeing what she went through the last couple days out of my mind, and I'm scared if I let myself think about her, i will completely have a breakdown. I know I shouldn't block her out and I don't want to, I just don't know if I can face it yet. I feel like my family has totally fallen apart, I am the oldest of three girls and my sisters are 16 and 18.

Just knowing how much my mom will miss kills me. I won't have her there to pick out my wedding dress, to see my children, to see my family and my home...I feel so bitter and I don't want to become someone who is angry at the world. I can't stop thinking about how she won't be there to see my sisters graduate high school, or go to college, or grow up. I feel extreme pressure being the oldest daughter and the oldest female in the house. I've been living at home this semester and commuting to school, but sometimes it's too hard to go to class and even get out of bed. I am trying to keep myself busy and I am working all the time i am not in school. My middle sister is really having a hard time and acting out. She hardly ever goes to school, is experimenting with drugs, and hasn't lived at home since before my mom died. I feel like it's my job to keep the family together but I don't know how, and i don't know how to manage my own inner struggles with what happened.

In the past 2 years, I have lost two extremely close family members to cancer. My younger cousin (at the time she was 4) passed away from a brain tumor in march 2009. I am extremely close to her family (my mother's younger sister) and it was the first death experience I've ever had. She was only 4 years old and I still haven't gotten over having to see her in pain and see a little girl taken away when she didn't know what was going on. About a year after she was diagnosed (at 10 months old), my mom was rushed into the hospital for emergency surgery, and we found out she had stage 4 colon cancer. I guess I should have realized then that the chances were slim, but my mom never talked about it and always acted like everything was fine. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to go away to college and not be able to see her. No treatments helped her, and finally this summer we came to the realization that we were nearing the end. My mom lost her best friend at the beginning of the summer to breast cancer, and after that her spirits changed immensely. I know she was scared and she never thought the disease would kill her. Still to this day, 4 months after, I can't believe i had to watch her die and I can't believe how unlike the movies it really was. It was so disturbing and it's not the way I want to remember her.

I'm just afraid my pain hasn't sunk in yet, and I'm so scared that it's going to hit me all at once.

[ModKonnie]

Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting on this site. I lost my mom to colon cancer 4 months ago, on October 17th, 2010. I still cannot believe it happened and I don't know how long it will take to actually sink in. I am only 21 years old and i'm just kind of lost without her. I can't seem to get the images of seeing what she went through the last couple days out of my mind, and I'm scared if I let myself think about her, i will completely have a breakdown. I know I shouldn't block her out and I don't want to, I just don't know if I can face it yet. I feel like my family has totally fallen apart, I am the oldest of three girls and my sisters are 16 and 18.

Just knowing how much my mom will miss kills me. I won't have her there to pick out my wedding dress, to see my children, to see my family and my home...I feel so bitter and I don't want to become someone who is angry at the world. I can't stop thinking about how she won't be there to see my sisters graduate high school, or go to college, or grow up. I feel extreme pressure being the oldest daughter and the oldest female in the house. I've been living at home this semester and commuting to school, but sometimes it's too hard to go to class and even get out of bed. I am trying to keep myself busy and I am working all the time i am not in school. My middle sister is really having a hard time and acting out. She hardly ever goes to school, is experimenting with drugs, and hasn't lived at home since before my mom died. I feel like it's my job to keep the family together but I don't know how, and i don't know how to manage my own inner struggles with what happened.

In the past 2 years, I have lost two extremely close family members to cancer. My younger cousin (at the time she was 4) passed away from a brain tumor in march 2009. I am extremely close to her family (my mother's younger sister) and it was the first death experience I've ever had. She was only 4 years old and I still haven't gotten over having to see her in pain and see a little girl taken away when she didn't know what was going on. About a year after she was diagnosed (at 10 months old), my mom was rushed into the hospital for emergency surgery, and we found out she had stage 4 colon cancer. I guess I should have realized then that the chances were slim, but my mom never talked about it and always acted like everything was fine. It was the hardest thing I've ever done to go away to college and not be able to see her. No treatments helped her, and finally this summer we came to the realization that we were nearing the end. My mom lost her best friend at the beginning of the summer to breast cancer, and after that her spirits changed immensely. I know she was scared and she never thought the disease would kill her. Still to this day, 4 months after, I can't believe i had to watch her die and I can't believe how unlike the movies it really was. It was so disturbing and it's not the way I want to remember her.

I'm just afraid my pain hasn't sunk in yet, and I'm so scared that it's going to hit me all at once.

HI Amanda,

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your mother. The movies are never like real life, huh? I watched my father and my mother-in-law suffer horribly before passing on, so I know how difficult it is to deal with.

As far as your grieving goes, it sounds as though you have a solid foundation and a good grip on what is going on and what is happening. Your pain will come and go and fluctuate, or change, drastically from one day to the next at times. You may experience anger, guilt, betrayal, anguish and denial, but all of that is really normal and doesn't really have a set pattern to it. Some days will be harder than others, but of course, you already know that.

Are you and your sisters alone? Do you have a support system such as aunts, uncles, your father? What about grandparents? Does anyone else know about your sister's experiment with drugs? I'd definitely try to talk to her about it or perhaps get someone she admires or looks up to involved.

Is there any support groups available in your area that you and your sisters could go to together? Have you all tried to sit and talk about your feelings together? Is it too difficult at the moment?

You honestly sound like you are inching forward and are doing as well as one can expect this early in your grief journey.

Feel free to come here and talk about your mother, your family, your feelings as much as you'd like. We are here for you.

ModKonnie

[agnaq111809]

Hi Amanda. I am very sorry about the loss of your mother. I hurt for you and your sisters. I lost my mother to lung cancer 15 1/2 months ago. About this time last year, I was hurting but I knew the pain was slowly decreasing. I would go to her grave and cry my heart out. I am fortunate to have had her till I was 58 years old and she had turned 81 in July. We never know how long we will stay on this earth. Only God knows. Today, I do have moments like a little while ago while I was doing the dishes, I cried and said 'thank-you' to her for always praying for me. I want to believe that she heard me. Like someone said to me, as she bore me/created me and I was inside of her for 9 months, no one can ever take away that special mother/child physical closeness, ever. Your mother will always be with you young ladies. She will never go away. Her physical body may not be here anymore. But her 'presence' will always be with you just like my mother's will to me. Remember that you and your sisters will be prayed for. That is what has gotten me through. It brings me peace and comfort, to know that my mother is o.k., in the presence of the Almighty God. My faith and believe in God is to someday be with her again. Writing this is a little bit painful as it reminds me of her. But we must go on. God Bless you and your family.

[amandalees]

Thank you for responding, it means so much to hear that people understand what I am going through and I cannot say that enough.

As of right now, my mom's death is kind of something that no one wants to acknowledge in my house. I think that at the moment, it is too new and too raw to talk about. The biggest problem with that is that I am the type of person who needs to talk about it to figure it all out in my head. People who haven't gone through it really don't know, and I cannot say that enough. They try to understand but losing someone that close to you is unimaginable.

My dad is taking it really hard and he is basically shutting down. He's been a drinker ever since my mom got sick, and although I can't say its really gotten worse or changed much since she passed, I feel like he is completely lost and is completely unsure of his role in our lives. Part of me knows that if me and my sisters were still young and needed our parents as we used to, it would have been easier for him because he would know what roles he needed to fill. But now, I think having an adult child and two teenagers is completely foreign to him and he doesn't know his place. I feel so badly for him but at the same time I know I need to focus on myself and my own grieving process, even though I feel like I am being pulled in all sorts of directions.

I know I may seem like I know what is going on and what is happening in my mind, but truthfully, I'm not sure if I'm just saying what I know i'm supposed to say. I'm not sure if that makes total sense but I am a psych major, and I know the stages of grief and I know healthy ways to cope with loss...i just don't know how much of my own advice I am following. I am getting competely wrapped up in my work and school and trying to completely block my mom out....but I know that I should allow myself to feel what I need to. Last night I went to her grave for the first time in a few months, and it was extremely hard for me. I am also planning on watching some home movies but I know that just hearing her voice will bring back so many memories and it will be really hard. I can't believe she is gone, bottom line. She was my mother, probably the most central important person in my life and the anchor to my whole family, so i guess it just doesn't make sense at all that she is not coming back.

It is so comforting to know that I have a place here that I am able to come and write, and even if someone doesn't respond, I am able to get it out and get my thoughts organized. Maybe by me writing I will also help someone else who is going through the same thing. its a totally unbearable thing to lose a parent, at any age.

[agnaq111809]

Thank you for responding, it means so much to hear that people understand what I am going through and I cannot say that enough.

As of right now, my mom's death is kind of something that no one wants to acknowledge in my house. I think that at the moment, it is too new and too raw to talk about. The biggest problem with that is that I am the type of person who needs to talk about it to figure it all out in my head. People who haven't gone through it really don't know, and I cannot say that enough. They try to understand but losing someone that close to you is unimaginable.

My dad is taking it really hard and he is basically shutting down. He's been a drinker ever since my mom got sick, and although I can't say its really gotten worse or changed much since she passed, I feel like he is completely lost and is completely unsure of his role in our lives. Part of me knows that if me and my sisters were still young and needed our parents as we used to, it would have been easier for him because he would know what roles he needed to fill. But now, I think having an adult child and two teenagers is completely foreign to him and he doesn't know his place. I feel so badly for him but at the same time I know I need to focus on myself and my own grieving process, even though I feel like I am being pulled in all sorts of directions.

I know I may seem like I know what is going on and what is happening in my mind, but truthfully, I'm not sure if I'm just saying what I know i'm supposed to say. I'm not sure if that makes total sense but I am a psych major, and I know the stages of grief and I know healthy ways to cope with loss...i just don't know how much of my own advice I am following. I am getting competely wrapped up in my work and school and trying to completely block my mom out....but I know that I should allow myself to feel what I need to. Last night I went to her grave for the first time in a few months, and it was extremely hard for me. I am also planning on watching some home movies but I know that just hearing her voice will bring back so many memories and it will be really hard. I can't believe she is gone, bottom line. She was my mother, probably the most central important person in my life and the anchor to my whole family, so i guess it just doesn't make sense at all that she is not coming back.

It is so comforting to know that I have a place here that I am able to come and write, and even if someone doesn't respond, I am able to get it out and get my thoughts organized. Maybe by me writing I will also help someone else who is going through the same thing. its a totally unbearable thing to lose a parent, at any age.

[agnaq111809]

This is one of my safe places too. In fact, next to knowing God is always with me, in the high tech world we who are still living in, this online 'place' has provided me a place where I know that I'm not alone, that I'm not going crazy talking to my mother through Jesus Christ and God. I don't feel so alone. One of my friends told me in the early days after my mother passed away, that I had to 'stand up and continue living' for my grandchildren's sake. It's real easy to go into oneself especially when one has lost someone so near and dear. And it's good to talk about it. We can't keep it inside of us forever. I guess I'm saying this because I was born a month after my father and uncle were taken away by the Arctic Ocean. Their small craft and bodies were never found. Thus this is what my mother went through in the last month of her pregnancy with me. As I grew up, no one really mentioned my dad's name or talk about him. The only one who did was my dad's mother who lived over 500 miles away. So I learned to never talk/ask questions about this person who was my father. That day when we found out about my mom having a big cancerous tumor in her lung, as we went through stages of acceptance, I asked her why she never talked about my father. I had to ask. Part of me looked away and put me down for asking at this moment. She was quiet for a while and then told me why. So shortly after, I told her that I won't ask again, that we will put this to rest once and for all. I myself had started putting this wanting to know about my father at the age of 30. Then at 45 I finally 'covered it' for my own sake, my marriage, my family. What's the point of all this? It's part of my healing process, my grief. For when my mother died, I lost both my parents. So as to your father, love him. Let him know that. He's there. He's hurting but he's still here on earth. Quyanaq.

[amandalees]

This is one of my safe places too. In fact, next to knowing God is always with me, in the high tech world we who are still living in, this online 'place' has provided me a place where I know that I'm not alone, that I'm not going crazy talking to my mother through Jesus Christ and God. I don't feel so alone. One of my friends told me in the early days after my mother passed away, that I had to 'stand up and continue living' for my grandchildren's sake. It's real easy to go into oneself especially when one has lost someone so near and dear. And it's good to talk about it. We can't keep it inside of us forever. I guess I'm saying this because I was born a month after my father and uncle were taken away by the Arctic Ocean. Their small craft and bodies were never found. Thus this is what my mother went through in the last month of her pregnancy with me. As I grew up, no one really mentioned my dad's name or talk about him. The only one who did was my dad's mother who lived over 500 miles away. So I learned to never talk/ask questions about this person who was my father. That day when we found out about my mom having a big cancerous tumor in her lung, as we went through stages of acceptance, I asked her why she never talked about my father. I had to ask. Part of me looked away and put me down for asking at this moment. She was quiet for a while and then told me why. So shortly after, I told her that I won't ask again, that we will put this to rest once and for all. I myself had started putting this wanting to know about my father at the age of 30. Then at 45 I finally 'covered it' for my own sake, my marriage, my family. What's the point of all this? It's part of my healing process, my grief. For when my mother died, I lost both my parents. So as to your father, love him. Let him know that. He's there. He's hurting but he's still here on earth. Quyanaq.

Thank you,

i needed to hear someone say that. its so easy just to deal with everything yourself and not think about anyone else. I know he lost the most important person to him and I know he only wants to do what is right by his daughters. I guess it just took a stranger to remind me.

[katmaii]

I think the pain is so raw that it is hard to see that others are suffering and need comfort because we are hurting so badly. Yesterday my husband convinced me to go to the big city marketplace an hour away. My almost 18 yo daughter wanted to come which was odd because she is usually pretty distant. When we got close to the market she saw the big guitar for the Hard Rock Cafe and got SO excited. My husband immediately valet parked the car and we went in to eat. She was so happy there, she couldn't stop smiling and taking pics and sending them to facebook/friends. I made my spirit soar to see her happy ...I didn't realize how much I needed that. (she says it was the tropical drink with rum in it that did it but I know it was her!). It made me realize that my kids are suffering, my husband is suffering (he loved my mom too) and I am so inwardly focused. I know it is normal...but I think there is healing in reaching out to the ones around us and noticing their pain and thinking of ways to ease it.

Amanda, I am thinking of you today and praying you have some comfort and affirmations that your mom is ok and watching out for you. I am sending you love, peace and hugs and the strength for today.

Susan

[Zee87]

Hey Amanda-

You are not alone in this. My mom died two months before my 23rd birthday year. When I found out she was sick I wanted to quit school and spend the "time" she had with her. When I told her that she wanted to kill me. She worked very hard all her life for my sister and I to have a good life and become something. I promised her that I will go to school and do my best. My sister and I are in Chicago and my mom was in Wisconsin. As much as I tried to go home every chance I had, I would get caught up with work or school. Now when I look back, it hurts me so much thinking of those days that I could of spend with her. I didn't know much about stomach cancer so I researched online and everything I read just kept saying, "10% chance of making it over a year". Each day was like a countdown, hoping nothing changes, hoping she will beat the bastard. I am the oldest in the family, therefore I took a lot of responsibilities while my mom got worse and of course now. The last three months were the hardest. The cancer spread to her lungs which didn't allow her to breath okay, her body was like a balloon from the lymphatic system failing. She just looked so helpless,, she wasn't the person I knew. It felt like life turned around and made me the mother and her the child.

It's been little over 7 months now and the pain is still here. I try to keep myself busy with work because it keeps my mind off of a lot of things. There is not one hour that I don't think about her. I wonder if she is okay, did she suffer, was she in pain, what was going through her mind. I have so many questions but I don't know how and where to find the answer. I've thought about seeing a counseling or joining a group but then I feel that I might be "annoying" speaking about this all the time. I tend to keep things inside of me and it tends to build up. The other day I cried for two hours, uncontrollably, I couldn't stop.

I am getting my degree next month in marketing, I pushed myself very hard. I wanted to graduate last December so my mom can be there with me. I had confidence that she would make it for over a year. She was the strongest person I know thus far. Sometimes I wonder if I went to school for the wrong thing. I feel that I am always advising other people, but sometimes I forget about myself. I have been reading and learning about grief. You can't control you sadness because loosing someone like your mother is the hardest. A woman told me that maybe her death is my destiny to become someone I never knew.

Hang in there Amanda, take care of your sisters as well as of your dad. My dad works out, does stuff around the house, and spends time with us as much as possible. That is how he is coping and it works well for him.