Very Fresh Grief

[lk36078]

Saturday Nov. 6th my fiancee, my best friend and I went to visit with one of his friends. It started out to be a good night, but it went sideways and south in a hurry. My finacee left, and left me and my friend at his friends house. She and I had to get a ride back to our house. I feel extremely guilty because he called me several times and I wouldn't answer because I didn't want to continue that argument. His truck was found Sunday afternoon but he was nowhere to be found. Search and rescue units along with helicopter and dog support searched from Sunday afternoon until Thursday afternoon. Thursday Nov. 11th, one of the dogs searching, which was trained in the recovering of bodies from water, hit on the pond behind the house where his truck was found. They were able to drag in that area and bring his body up. His body was just released yesterday, and the funeral is Monday. I'm trying to help and be there for his mom, but she has started blaming me for what happend to him and that hurts. I understand that she's hurt and angry and needs to do anything she can to cope, and I can take the hurt, but what surprises me is the anger. Not just at him, I expected that, but the anger I feel at her when she starts blaming me. Any ideas how to help deal with that? What I can do? How I can cope with the anger and NOT say or do something that will hurt her more? We need each other right now even though it hurts, and I don't want to do or say anything to hurt her or add to her grief. If anyone has any ideas or advice, please help.

[kat]

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's just constant torture right now, isn't it? I don't really post here often but I came across your message and wanted to tell you that I dealt with some pretty strong sentiments of anger at my mother-in-law shortly after my partner passed away. First off, she came into town during the last week and started criticizing everything I was doing to help him. Then, the next week, at the last minute, she decided she wanted to put an obituary in her local newspaper in his hometown. She did not realize that it would go online and I would see it. While I know that she did not do it on purpose as she wasn't in the right frame of mind - at least I hope it wasn't on purpose - I discovered that she had not included my name. I was absolutely livid! Partly because I was the one who took care of her son and handled everything during his brief illness and partly because she had erased that part of his life when he was happiest. She had made the love-of-my-life into some guy who wasn't loved by anyone but his closest relatives!

So... how did I deal with that anger? Firstly I had to make a decision. Did I want to keep her in my life? The answer to that was yes as she is one of the closest links I have to him. So, I finally spoke with her on the phone but, when she started getting defensive, I had my escape planned and said, "I'm sorry, I'm just too hurt to talk right now, I'll call youback later". After I cooled down some more, I called her again and just didn't even really acknowledge what she had done. It wasn't worth it. In the end it only encouraged me to write one of my own that was better suited to him.

So I guess you have a choice to make as well; is what she's doing in her grief worth cutting all ties with her by doing or saying something hurtful? For me it wasn't but that's just me. You have your own choice. I have a feeling she'll eventually cool down though as, in the end, you're a link to her son as well. She probably won't want to lose that.

Hope that helps a little and you take care,

kat

[lk36078]

Hi Kat,

Thank you for your words, and yes, right now it's constant torture. I thank you for your input, and it's good to know I'm not the only one who's gone through this. I'm trying to not say anything for now, to let some of the pain dull out. When I see her getting angry with me, I just try to duck out and stay away a while, but I don't want her to think I'm abondoning her either. It's a tough line to walk. I have to be up there every day at least to take care of the horse so maybe I can just make it once a day unless she calls me and needs me for some reason. I don't know, it's just really hard but knowing that this is fairly normal is helping, so thank you very much.

Laura

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's just constant torture right now, isn't it? I don't really post here often but I came across your message and wanted to tell you that I dealt with some pretty strong sentiments of anger at my mother-in-law shortly after my partner passed away. First off, she came into town during the last week and started criticizing everything I was doing to help him. Then, the next week, at the last minute, she decided she wanted to put an obituary in her local newspaper in his hometown. She did not realize that it would go online and I would see it. While I know that she did not do it on purpose as she wasn't in the right frame of mind - at least I hope it wasn't on purpose - I discovered that she had not included my name. I was absolutely livid! Partly because I was the one who took care of her son and handled everything during his brief illness and partly because she had erased that part of his life when he was happiest. She had made the love-of-my-life into some guy who wasn't loved by anyone but his closest relatives!

So... how did I deal with that anger? Firstly I had to make a decision. Did I want to keep her in my life? The answer to that was yes as she is one of the closest links I have to him. So, I finally spoke with her on the phone but, when she started getting defensive, I had my escape planned and said, "I'm sorry, I'm just too hurt to talk right now, I'll call youback later". After I cooled down some more, I called her again and just didn't even really acknowledge what she had done. It wasn't worth it. In the end it only encouraged me to write one of my own that was better suited to him.

So I guess you have a choice to make as well; is what she's doing in her grief worth cutting all ties with her by doing or saying something hurtful? For me it wasn't but that's just me. You have your own choice. I have a feeling she'll eventually cool down though as, in the end, you're a link to her son as well. She probably won't want to lose that.

Hope that helps a little and you take care,

kat

[trolf3323]

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.