Lost my Partner/Best Friend

[rose16]

It's only been three weeks - I think (days are blurry).

We found out in July of this year that the cancer (after seven years) was back and he told me that it was incurable but controlable and I took comfort with this. I think he was just trying to protect me as he often did over the years. We were childhood sweethearts at 16 and 18 and 25 years later met up again and the rest is history over the last ten years. I miss his company heaps. My grief has been made even worse by his family (he was only 51) and over the years I have always got on with them and in fact it was me that encouraged him to keep in touch with them.

In mid Sept we realized there was nothing more to be done and we got him home from hospital and that day was one I will never forget - I was so excited and the smile on his face coming through the front doors is forever in my heart. On the morning of that day my partner's father called in and I thought - great "you are here to welcome him home". He said - oh no - I am on the way to lunch but I have to tell you that we want the funeral at **** and it will be a full catholic service. He left before my partner arrived home and several requests followed that they deal with the funeral and time after time I told them that I was not prepared to deal with this at the time - my time was for the living - and when the time was appropriate that we could work on this together but in the meantime I was not prepared to discuss anything at that time. They could not deal with this and two days before he passed away I received a letter from them (after their one hour visit) advising that they had already spoken to the funeral directors. This letter really hurt me. Time and time again we would tell the family (mother, father, two sisters) that they were welcome to stay in my home 24/7 but they would only provide one hour visits - every two days. Several times I had to prompt them to ask for something to make them feel involved (ie. facewashers, etc). His father could not cope and did not visit at all.

I remember one day in the hospital when my own mother was downstairs (giving me time upstairs) when his mother advised mine that it was ok for her to visit her son - that she would grant her permission to do so. I understand that there is nothing worse than losing a son but this comment was totally uncalled for. My son (who deferred some time off uni) offered them his bed - they were advised on many occasions that they were welcome to stay here when my partner came home - if it was my son and I was not granted that access I would have camped in the gutter but they would not do so and they only live 20 minutes away.

My partner's father told us time and time again that he wanted a full Catholic requeam (spic) mass with two priests that he had organized. Again I refused to listen to this and focused on the love and caring that was required (in my mind) at at the time. After my partner passed away (very peacefully with love) I was advised the next day by his family that they did not want to have anything to do with the funeral arrangements - it was totally upto me but they only had two wishes - that he be cremated and that they have half of the ashes. I did organize the funeral (which was his wish) but in the few days following received many further requests from the family (ie. songs to be played, readings etc). Two nights before the funeral I telephoned my partner's sister and advised that I was not comfortable with a full Catholic mass only to be told that the family did not want this either - they never wanted it.! I felt like I was trying to hard and too many gestures had been provided (does that make sense?). The funeral was beautiful - and so many have said so - over 200 people there which was a great tribute. However, not once have any of the family contacted me since. Mind you my beautiful 21 year old son went out the day after my partner passed away - bought a beautiful box and then delivered in that box my partner's watch, wallet and a few other personal items to my partner's father.

I am now dealing with a lot of lonliness, cry so much and and live in a huge house - I miss our talks every night for two hours - just discussing anything and solving the problems of the world :-) I am lucky that I have great rocks and angels - ie. family and friends - but I feel that my grief is even uglier because of his family and wonder how I deal with this. I am very angry with them and have already typed a six page letter (not delivered at this stage) I just want someone to say that this is a nightmare - it will be over tomorrow.

Thanks for listening - any advice would be appreciated.

[ModKonnie]

It's only been three weeks - I think (days are blurry).

We found out in July of this year that the cancer (after seven years) was back and he told me that it was incurable but controlable and I took comfort with this. I think he was just trying to protect me as he often did over the years. We were childhood sweethearts at 16 and 18 and 25 years later met up again and the rest is history over the last ten years. I miss his company heaps. My grief has been made even worse by his family (he was only 51) and over the years I have always got on with them and in fact it was me that encouraged him to keep in touch with them.

In mid Sept we realized there was nothing more to be done and we got him home from hospital and that day was one I will never forget - I was so excited and the smile on his face coming through the front doors is forever in my heart. On the morning of that day my partner's father called in and I thought - great "you are here to welcome him home". He said - oh no - I am on the way to lunch but I have to tell you that we want the funeral at **** and it will be a full catholic service. He left before my partner arrived home and several requests followed that they deal with the funeral and time after time I told them that I was not prepared to deal with this at the time - my time was for the living - and when the time was appropriate that we could work on this together but in the meantime I was not prepared to discuss anything at that time. They could not deal with this and two days before he passed away I received a letter from them (after their one hour visit) advising that they had already spoken to the funeral directors. This letter really hurt me. Time and time again we would tell the family (mother, father, two sisters) that they were welcome to stay in my home 24/7 but they would only provide one hour visits - every two days. Several times I had to prompt them to ask for something to make them feel involved (ie. facewashers, etc). His father could not cope and did not visit at all.

I remember one day in the hospital when my own mother was downstairs (giving me time upstairs) when his mother advised mine that it was ok for her to visit her son - that she would grant her permission to do so. I understand that there is nothing worse than losing a son but this comment was totally uncalled for. My son (who deferred some time off uni) offered them his bed - they were advised on many occasions that they were welcome to stay here when my partner came home - if it was my son and I was not granted that access I would have camped in the gutter but they would not do so and they only live 20 minutes away.

My partner's father told us time and time again that he wanted a full Catholic requeam (spic) mass with two priests that he had organized. Again I refused to listen to this and focused on the love and caring that was required (in my mind) at at the time. After my partner passed away (very peacefully with love) I was advised the next day by his family that they did not want to have anything to do with the funeral arrangements - it was totally upto me but they only had two wishes - that he be cremated and that they have half of the ashes. I did organize the funeral (which was his wish) but in the few days following received many further requests from the family (ie. songs to be played, readings etc). Two nights before the funeral I telephoned my partner's sister and advised that I was not comfortable with a full Catholic mass only to be told that the family did not want this either - they never wanted it.! I felt like I was trying to hard and too many gestures had been provided (does that make sense?). The funeral was beautiful - and so many have said so - over 200 people there which was a great tribute. However, not once have any of the family contacted me since. Mind you my beautiful 21 year old son went out the day after my partner passed away - bought a beautiful box and then delivered in that box my partner's watch, wallet and a few other personal items to my partner's father.

I am now dealing with a lot of lonliness, cry so much and and live in a huge house - I miss our talks every night for two hours - just discussing anything and solving the problems of the world :-) I am lucky that I have great rocks and angels - ie. family and friends - but I feel that my grief is even uglier because of his family and wonder how I deal with this. I am very angry with them and have already typed a six page letter (not delivered at this stage) I just want someone to say that this is a nightmare - it will be over tomorrow.

Thanks for listening - any advice would be appreciated.

Hi Rose,

I would like to welcome you to our forums, and tell you that I am very sorry about the loss of your SO. How sad that there is such a void between you and his family at a time when you all need each other. Do you think his family is acting this way out of grief? Are they just simply unable to voice their feelings about their loss and are taking it out on you? Sometimes, we blame people for things we and they have no control over simply because we need to be take our anger out on someone. It's so unfortunate.

I can see how you are very angry, too. It sounds like you are doing and did everything you could to comfort them. As far as delivering the letter--is it an angry letter that may sever your ties permanently? Is that what you truly want? Or do you want them to simply stop hurting you?

I wish I could tell you to wake up--it's over, but unfortunately.... If I could erase people's anguish I would gladly "poof" it away for them.

I am glad you are here. We are always willing to listen and encourage and support. We will be waiting here for you.

ModKonnie

[rose16]

Hi ModKonnie - thank you so MUCH for your comments which I will reply to in the next few days. I think because of you I actually did have a better day today and saw a lot more in prospective. Thank you so much. You are right on all counts and it made me a lot more stronger for reading this earlier today. Thanks again. Rose xxx

Hi Rose,

I would like to welcome you to our forums, and tell you that I am very sorry about the loss of your SO. How sad that there is such a void between you and his family at a time when you all need each other. Do you think his family is acting this way out of grief? Are they just simply unable to voice their feelings about their loss and are taking it out on you? Sometimes, we blame people for things we and they have no control over simply because we need to be take our anger out on someone. It's so unfortunate.

I can see how you are very angry, too. It sounds like you are doing and did everything you could to comfort them. As far as delivering the letter--is it an angry letter that may sever your ties permanently? Is that what you truly want? Or do you want them to simply stop hurting you?

I wish I could tell you to wake up--it's over, but unfortunately.... If I could erase people's anguish I would gladly "poof" it away for them.

I am glad you are here. We are always willing to listen and encourage and support. We will be waiting here for you.

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

Hi ModKonnie - thank you so MUCH for your comments which I will reply to in the next few days. I think because of you I actually did have a better day today and saw a lot more in prospective. Thank you so much. You are right on all counts and it made me a lot more stronger for reading this earlier today. Thanks again. Rose xxx

Hey Rose,

Anytime! Sometimes another person's point of view or perspective really does help us see things in a new light. We'll be here when you get back.

ModKonnie