Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Is it okay to be angry?


Foxxx

Recommended Posts

  • Members

On September 16 of this year, my daughter's father was killed in a motorcycle accident. There were no other vehicles involved, he just lost control of the bike, run up on the curb, hit a boulder and that was it.

I almost feel guilty for being angry at him... My daughter and I are seeing a greif counselor, he asked both of us to write Nick (my daughter's dad) a letter. This is what I wrote:

October 14, 2010

Nick,

Hayley and I are supposed to write a letter to you. I’m not really sure where to start… there are so many things I wish I knew and so much more I wanted to say to you before you left us and even more I want to say to you now that you are gone.

I never imagined I would feel such powerful feelings if you were to die. I am still a little shocked. I was so happy you and Hayley were fixing your relationship. I was so happy that you were finally starting to put her first, I still wonder how long it would have lasted, was it sincere? Did you really see what was important? I want to believe you did, but then why would you take such a risk that night? Why would you drive home after drinking?

I have seen you all too many times control the situation so that it seems that you have done a noble thing and it actually turn out to be self serving. For the last 4 years you put Hayley at the end of your priorities. Your bike club came first and far most and you didn’t even try to hide it. Never once did you ever stop and think how those made Hayley feel. Your drinking problem broke your relationship with Hayley and even after you started to change, alcohol still controlled your life.

Now Hayley can never have that time back and you can never make it right. The guilt she feels about the four years has covered up the bad and turned you into the perfect daddy. That is fine though, she needs that to be her memories.

Do you realize who you were? Now that it is said and done do you realize how selfish you were?

The bike club who was far more important than your daughter, this family as you and your parents call them, cared so much about you. Never once did they say, “Hey Nick you have a daughter to think about, don’t drive home, let me take you.”

The wakeup call should have been the first accident. As your daughter slept you wrecked. Did you ever stop and think what would happen if no one knew that you were in the hospital? How Hayley would get to school? What she would think?

At your funeral all the people told Hayley what a caring, loving father you were and how she was your everything…. Nothing but lies or did they really not know you?

Do they not know how many nights you left your daughter to drink at the bar? How many times you yelled at Hayley for no reason at all? How many times Hayley needed you and you were not there?

You would tell Hayley how I did not financially contribute to her care, when in reality I contributed just as much if not more than you. While you made sure that she had the bare necessities, I made sure she had the fun things that just made life a little more fun. Yearbooks, pictures, toys, dresses for dances, cameras, computers and the frilly things girls want, just so they can be cool to their friends.

But all of this is the past. I suppose it is good that she cannot remember this stuff… for now.

I tried to get you to understand that every time you got on the back of that motorcycle after drinking you were not only affecting your own life but several others too. Hayley has to grow up without her dad to see her get her driver’s license, see her graduate, give her away at her wedding or hold his grandchildren.

Your decisions were so selfish. No matter how much I tried you could never see the risks you took. It is not fair that Hayley has to go through this; especially after all she has been through already. It isn’t fair that now I am left all alone to care for her, no one to depend on to take her vacationing or do the things I cannot afford…

You have taken so much away from Hayley and me. There will always be a void there where you should be.

Now the only thing I can do is try to be strong and move on… Something that you never could do.

I don’t know what else I can say. I am sad that you are gone, but also angry and relieved. Relieved because now I do not have to worry that Hayley may be on the bike when you go down!

Stephanie

Am I wrong for the way I feel?

Thanks

Stephanie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

On September 16 of this year, my daughter's father was killed in a motorcycle accident. There were no other vehicles involved, he just lost control of the bike, run up on the curb, hit a boulder and that was it.

I almost feel guilty for being angry at him... My daughter and I are seeing a greif counselor, he asked both of us to write Nick (my daughter's dad) a letter. This is what I wrote:

October 14, 2010

Nick,

Hayley and I are supposed to write a letter to you. I’m not really sure where to start… there are so many things I wish I knew and so much more I wanted to say to you before you left us and even more I want to say to you now that you are gone.

I never imagined I would feel such powerful feelings if you were to die. I am still a little shocked. I was so happy you and Hayley were fixing your relationship. I was so happy that you were finally starting to put her first, I still wonder how long it would have lasted, was it sincere? Did you really see what was important? I want to believe you did, but then why would you take such a risk that night? Why would you drive home after drinking?

I have seen you all too many times control the situation so that it seems that you have done a noble thing and it actually turn out to be self serving. For the last 4 years you put Hayley at the end of your priorities. Your bike club came first and far most and you didn’t even try to hide it. Never once did you ever stop and think how those made Hayley feel. Your drinking problem broke your relationship with Hayley and even after you started to change, alcohol still controlled your life.

Now Hayley can never have that time back and you can never make it right. The guilt she feels about the four years has covered up the bad and turned you into the perfect daddy. That is fine though, she needs that to be her memories.

Do you realize who you were? Now that it is said and done do you realize how selfish you were?

The bike club who was far more important than your daughter, this family as you and your parents call them, cared so much about you. Never once did they say, “Hey Nick you have a daughter to think about, don’t drive home, let me take you.”

The wakeup call should have been the first accident. As your daughter slept you wrecked. Did you ever stop and think what would happen if no one knew that you were in the hospital? How Hayley would get to school? What she would think?

At your funeral all the people told Hayley what a caring, loving father you were and how she was your everything…. Nothing but lies or did they really not know you?

Do they not know how many nights you left your daughter to drink at the bar? How many times you yelled at Hayley for no reason at all? How many times Hayley needed you and you were not there?

You would tell Hayley how I did not financially contribute to her care, when in reality I contributed just as much if not more than you. While you made sure that she had the bare necessities, I made sure she had the fun things that just made life a little more fun. Yearbooks, pictures, toys, dresses for dances, cameras, computers and the frilly things girls want, just so they can be cool to their friends.

But all of this is the past. I suppose it is good that she cannot remember this stuff… for now.

I tried to get you to understand that every time you got on the back of that motorcycle after drinking you were not only affecting your own life but several others too. Hayley has to grow up without her dad to see her get her driver’s license, see her graduate, give her away at her wedding or hold his grandchildren.

Your decisions were so selfish. No matter how much I tried you could never see the risks you took. It is not fair that Hayley has to go through this; especially after all she has been through already. It isn’t fair that now I am left all alone to care for her, no one to depend on to take her vacationing or do the things I cannot afford…

You have taken so much away from Hayley and me. There will always be a void there where you should be.

Now the only thing I can do is try to be strong and move on… Something that you never could do.

I don’t know what else I can say. I am sad that you are gone, but also angry and relieved. Relieved because now I do not have to worry that Hayley may be on the bike when you go down!

Stephanie

Am I wrong for the way I feel?

Thanks

Stephanie

Stephanie,

You are absolutely NOT wrong to be angry. Anger is a normal part of the grief process, and you know, after reading your letter, I can perfectly see why you are angry.

The situation sounds so tragic and sad for all of you, particularly Hayley, who will have to grow up without her dad.

How is she doing? How are you truly doing? This must be very hard on you, too, because regardless of what may or may not have happened in your relationship, he is still the father of your child.

I'm glad you decided to see a grief counselor. You will have to tell us some of his suggestions and ideas for dealing with the various stages we go through as we travel our grief journey.

ModKonnie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i really think you should talk it out with him. it really was unacceptable of him to leave without a word and not leave you with a way to contact him. you should let him know how you feel, because it's really very unhealthy to keep things bottled up not only for your health, but also for your relationship. it's vital for there to be good communication in a relationship. that way, you'll find out earlier on if it just won't work out between the two of you. also, your fiance really should be helping you out more, you know? sure he plays with the baby when you're cleaning up, but maybe sometimes he should be the one cleaning up while you look after the baby? if he never experiances what you do and how you feel, then he won't truly be able to sympathize with how you feel.

and another thing, it seems that your baby's father is the root problem of all this. i thikn that the two of you should sit down and talk things out, maybe have a mediatore ready for if things get out of hand. you need to let him know that if he wants to come and stay over at your house, he also needs to do some of the cleaning up, because it isn't fair for you to have to clean up after him since you aren't his mother, you aren't his sister, and you sure as hell aren't his lover.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.