How can I help my friend??

[cocoagirl3]

I know this forum is for people who have lost a loved one, but this is so I can help a very dear friend of mine who, after 28 years (almost 2 years ago) lost his wife to cancer.. 

He lost his wife after 28 years of a wonderful marriage and he came into where I worked, I saw him,asked about him and prayed for two years for his strength & peacefulness... He finally came up to me about 3 months ago and asked me for coffee, we became instant friends.. He said he had moved on.  We had been pretty strong together including getting very, very close but then he started pulling away from me.  He was going to put a hold on our relationship when we had lunch at his house one day when he took me on a short trip (I didn't know what he was doing) and took me to her gravesite and introduced me to her and her to me, it was very touching...

He kept pulling back and back and then he would want me over then back again, finally the other day he told me he didn't like the holidays, hated them since he was little and that we must put our relationship on hold until he got his emotions and feelings together... Now I know he cares for me and I do adore him  but I want to know what to do now to help him through what seems to be a very hard time.  He is saying his world has no purpose, that hurts....  Here we have shared our souls just about for months and he keeps pulling back, what am I to do to ease his pain??????  I want to be there for him right now, but he doesn't want to be with anyone, and no he is not going to kill himself, I feel certain of this..

Anyone have any suggestions?

 

[armaiti]

My partner passed about sixteen months ago.  And here's the truth - you can't do anything to ease his pain, but you can listen and be there as support while he goes through it.  No one can take away the pain we feel.  It may dull over time, but it's always there. 

You can be a supportive friend, but if he is pulling away from a more serious relationship with you, he may not be ready to move on.  It's a rollercoaster, this losing your partner, and he might have felt ready to move on and then started to realize he wasn't ready and pulled back.  I know after sixteen months I have no desire to be with another man, and I may never want to be in another relationship, because the one I had with Ishaq was so special, we were true soulmates.

Have you asked him these questions directly?  And what is your desire in this?  Are you willing to be with him and acknowledge the importance of this wife, be willing to listen to him talk about her, offer his memories of her? 

The thing about grief is that there is no right or wrong way; no time period for recovery like a broken bone, or surgery or illness.  A close friend of mine lost his partner eight years ago and he told me he still has a hole in his heart. 

My friends have offered me a lot of comfort, mainly in that they listen to me and let me talk about what I feel and we talk about Ishaq a lot, remembering him.  For me, Ishaq also is with me a lot, as I believe we only change form after we die.   Another reason I don't want another relationship.  It's different for every single person.

I know this may not sound encouraging to you, but this at least is how it has been for me.

Blessings,

Anna

[cocoagirl3]

Anna, thank you for your thoughts on this, it has helped me alot in understanding this amazing man that I adore...  I can see why this woman and he had such a wonderful 30 year marriage and how hard it is for him to move forward.. I have tried to share alot of what their marriage, their life and the love he feels for her still..  I have not lost a partner but I have lost both parents within a period of 10 months of each other, they were married for 54 years.. So, I do know the heartache of loosing someone you love..

In our world of dating and relationships who wants to go there after having the love of your life, but I do want to be there for him and I'm going nowhere anytime soon.  His friendship has made me happier and I have laughed and had more fun getting to know this man than I've ever had, so I will continue to just pray and be there and if he never, ever gets past that love and is not able to love again, at least I will have experienced someone who had that true love of their life and be happy in it with him...  or sad as it may be right now.. I,,,, am a very, very patient woman...

God Bless and thanks again for the advice and help,

cocoagirl3

[lauraa]

Cocoa...patience and understanding...don't put any pressure on him, just be there when he needs you and is ready. If it is meant to be then it will...........Just be there!

[cocoagirl3]

Thanks Lauraa for the reply and advice.  I will be there and I will be patient.  The time with him when we first started getting to know each other was so beautiful, I just know that we will always be special friends, I am praying for him and his peacefulness every day....

blessings,

cocoagirl3

 

[lauraa]

Cocoa:   I lost my husband 3 years ago. People surprise us at our loss. Everyone is there in the beginning but then most everyone leaves and life goes on. Even the the ones whom we think our our best friends leave for selfish reasons. It is so difficult to feel the world move on when our world has been shattered. Peoples excuse mostly is, "I haven't called or come over cause I know how  busy you are"? NOT. Lonely, desastated, YES! You don't have to overdo just listen and be there. When we grieve it takes time and our psychics protect us to only be able to take alittle at a time or else we would not be able to cope.....therefore, it really never ends. With time it may lessen but never leaves us. It really would take a strong person to support someone who aches as we do. We are not looking to replace our loved one (which is what most people is what we need to do)...just listen and be there as a friend and what will be will be. Hope this helps!

[cocoagirl3]

Lauraa, I'm so sorry about your loss and thank you for adding and sharing on this subject with me, you had some really good advice that I will use, because I know of a loss too (parents died within 10 months of each other last year)..  I had seen my dear sweet friend walking around the store I work at and he always seemed soooo sad, I found out why from my friend (who is a friend of his) and had been praying for his peaceful heart for almost two years.  I was in the middle of a very amiacable divorce and still am and he asked me for coffee, I told him I don't date, still married but I could use a friend.  It came out of the blue, the friendship has grown and now it is on hold due to too much togetherness and I believe confusion in his heart and soul...

But like I told you, I am one of the most patient women and I have nothing but time right now..... I understand about the time clock..  I saw him so happy when we both were getting to know each other but the closer we got the harder he pulled back from me and then quiet times away from me, I saw things changing, why is that?  Why the pulling away so much at times when we seemed to be so nice together (as he said)..  Its hard to understand the heart, especially after being with your best friend for 28 years. like he was...

I will be there to continue to support him emotionally and spiritually, if that is what  wants... He put us on hold until the end of the the holidays (which he hates).. Only time will tell..  I just want to be here for him..

Thanks again for the information and the sharing..

cocoagirl3

 

 

[lauraa]

Cocoa:

The holidays must be hard for him for a good reason???? Him pulling back from you.....maybe he feels guilty for being happy? I am sure he needs time to figure it all out. And maybe because he isn't find of the holidays he didn't want it to rub off on you........hope this helps.