Still dealing with grieving/depression after 11 years

[Christinarenea]

ok, so I've finally determined that I need a little help in this, and hopefully I'm not alone.....

My mother passed away almost 11 years ago (she passed away when I was 16) due to a stroke that caused an aneurysm in her brain to rupture. I am the one that found her, and she was declared brain dead once they got her to the hospital (they brought her back twice), and was placed on life-support, shortly thereafter I was told there was no point in keeping her on it, and she'd be taken off of it. Long story short, my mother and I were best friends and very close, on top of losing her in a 24 hour period, I had to deal with my father showing up (he was not really in my life) and my grandmother blaming first my dad then me for my mother's death for over 3 years, during which time I seriously considered suicide. Ever since then about 2-4 times a year I go into a deep depression that lasts for a few days to maybe a week at a time. During the last bout of depression my husband suggested that with all that happened after her death that I may not have truly mourned for her, and that every time I got through an episode of depression that I react like it just happened the day before. After some thought I realized he might be right and am now trying to figure out a way to deal with this better. The only problem is I've been sinking back into this same depression and trying to figure out solution, which has not been too productive lately.

I was just wondering if anyone else has/had suffered long term effects like this after the loss of a parent, and if so how they learned/are learning to handle it, I'm sincerely hoping that I am not the only one out there. I just know that it hurts too much to keep doing this.

[ModKonnie]

ok, so I've finally determined that I need a little help in this, and hopefully I'm not alone.....

My mother passed away almost 11 years ago (she passed away when I was 16) due to a stroke that caused an aneurysm in her brain to rupture. I am the one that found her, and she was declared brain dead once they got her to the hospital (they brought her back twice), and was placed on life-support, shortly thereafter I was told there was no point in keeping her on it, and she'd be taken off of it. Long story short, my mother and I were best friends and very close, on top of losing her in a 24 hour period, I had to deal with my father showing up (he was not really in my life) and my grandmother blaming first my dad then me for my mother's death for over 3 years, during which time I seriously considered suicide. Ever since then about 2-4 times a year I go into a deep depression that lasts for a few days to maybe a week at a time. During the last bout of depression my husband suggested that with all that happened after her death that I may not have truly mourned for her, and that every time I got through an episode of depression that I react like it just happened the day before. After some thought I realized he might be right and am now trying to figure out a way to deal with this better. The only problem is I've been sinking back into this same depression and trying to figure out solution, which has not been too productive lately.

I was just wondering if anyone else has/had suffered long term effects like this after the loss of a parent, and if so how they learned/are learning to handle it, I'm sincerely hoping that I am not the only one out there. I just know that it hurts too much to keep doing this.

Hi CRV,

Welcome to our forums, although I am not happy you are having to suffer. (I hope that made sense). It sounds to me like you may need some type of intervention here, possibly a therapist or counselor or even medicine. Have you ever talked to anyone about all of this?

Losing your mom is a profound, life shattering and life altering event, so I can understand how it will always impact your life. However, it sounds like you may need some help understanding how to get through this and how to deal with the severe depression. Your age and the other circumstances you had to endure during her actual passing may have affected your grieving process, but I really have no idea. I do know that the mere thought of my mom dying makes me ill, so I can certainly see how you could keep going over and over the situation in your mind. My father died a year ago, and while I am moving forward, things are still very painful at times, and I end up having bouts of severe crying.

How does your husband cope when you are battling with this? Is he supportive? Does he think you may need some type of guideance?

One of my friends lost her mother is a similar manner more than 10 years ago. It was sudden and without warning. My friend fell completely to pieces and couldn't cope; she went through a hard period where she wouldn't take care of her children, left her husband--it was tough. Her hubby stuck with her and made her get some intervention. She is doing okay now.

You have come to a good place. There are others here who will be able to offer you more and better advice and encouragement.

ModKonnie

[Christinarenea]

Thank you so much for your support, I greatly appreciate it. My husband and I have been together for about 10 and a half years, we met about a year after my mother passed away,(his grandfather had recently passed away) he has been very supportive of me, though after having to help me/watch me deal with this for so many years both he and my best friend are at a loss as to how to help me, After coming to terms with the fact that I haven't really mourned for my mother (due, I suppose to everything that happened after her death) I've told him that I'm trying to figure it out, and he says he'll do whatever I need him to do to help with this. I'm glad I've found a community with ppl. that are having the same troubles, and can empathize, luckily both of my husband's parents are alive and well, so it's hard for him to truly understand what I'm going through at times, and I know that watching me go through this is really hard on him too. I feel so guilty about it sometimes, like I shouldn't be putting him or my best friend through this craziness, but at the same time knowing that what I'm feeling is real and that I have to find a way to work through it.

I have seen someone before about this and other matters while I was in college but it didn't seem to help much. I felt more like I was being judged than talking to someone who could help me with this.

I am sorry for your loss and your friend's loss, and am glad that she's doing better and that things are going better for you. Loss in any form is never easy, and it is particularly hard if it's someone you're really close too.

My biggest hope is that I can find a way to cope a little better with her death and not lose the memory of her, I guess that's one of the things I'm greatly afraid of. And to not feel a slight twinge of anger that my 15 year old sister still has her mother and I don't (her mother also suffered an aneurysm while driving, she ran her jeep up a tree and other than still having a few problems is ok), and maybe even forgive my grandmother for blaming me for her death, even though it was to deal with her own grief in losing her daughter. My grandmother and I are on good terms now, but we didn't speak for a long time....I'd also like to find a way to talk to her about my mother, but the rest of my family only pushes thoughts/feelings/situations aside and refuses to deal with them. That's how she was raised and I guess that's a barrier I may never push though. I also need to make a decision about keeping/scattering all or part of my mother's ashes...a thought I've also been struggling with for a while.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I just seem to have random thoughts in my mind right now. Thank you again for listening to them.....

[ModKonnie]

Thank you so much for your support, I greatly appreciate it. My husband and I have been together for about 10 and a half years, we met about a year after my mother passed away,(his grandfather had recently passed away) he has been very supportive of me, though after having to help me/watch me deal with this for so many years both he and my best friend are at a loss as to how to help me, After coming to terms with the fact that I haven't really mourned for my mother (due, I suppose to everything that happened after her death) I've told him that I'm trying to figure it out, and he says he'll do whatever I need him to do to help with this. I'm glad I've found a community with ppl. that are having the same troubles, and can empathize, luckily both of my husband's parents are alive and well, so it's hard for him to truly understand what I'm going through at times, and I know that watching me go through this is really hard on him too. I feel so guilty about it sometimes, like I shouldn't be putting him or my best friend through this craziness, but at the same time knowing that what I'm feeling is real and that I have to find a way to work through it.

I have seen someone before about this and other matters while I was in college but it didn't seem to help much. I felt more like I was being judged than talking to someone who could help me with this.

I am sorry for your loss and your friend's loss, and am glad that she's doing better and that things are going better for you. Loss in any form is never easy, and it is particularly hard if it's someone you're really close too.

My biggest hope is that I can find a way to cope a little better with her death and not lose the memory of her, I guess that's one of the things I'm greatly afraid of. And to not feel a slight twinge of anger that my 15 year old sister still has her mother and I don't (her mother also suffered an aneurysm while driving, she ran her jeep up a tree and other than still having a few problems is ok), and maybe even forgive my grandmother for blaming me for her death, even though it was to deal with her own grief in losing her daughter. My grandmother and I are on good terms now, but we didn't speak for a long time....I'd also like to find a way to talk to her about my mother, but the rest of my family only pushes thoughts/feelings/situations aside and refuses to deal with them. That's how she was raised and I guess that's a barrier I may never push though. I also need to make a decision about keeping/scattering all or part of my mother's ashes...a thought I've also been struggling with for a while.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I just seem to have random thoughts in my mind right now. Thank you again for listening to them.....

You aren't rambling. I perfectly understood everything you said and meant. Maybe you should just out and out bring the subject of your mother up to your grandmother. Maybe you can be the one to change the way the family deals with bad situations. Tell your grandmother exactly what you are going through and how you feel. Will she get mad? Will she push you away? Is it worth the try if you find out that she has been bursting to talk about your mother, too?

That's great that your hubby is so supportive.

My husband was I guess jealous of anyone whose mom was still alive when his mom died. He was almost mean or mad about it. We are making progress in that area. We talk about his reaction to other people's moms.

And no matter what--you will never forget your mother. Don't be afraid of that--it won't happen.

And now that you are older, you may want to reconsider or retry another therapist. If you don't like him/her, try someone else if you need to.

ModKonnie