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No Closure


Lolly

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Hello,

I'm new and I don't have the energy to really put effort into a profile so I hope that doesn't effect the responses. Anyways, I'll get straight into it. I lost my mother before I was two years old. My mother was abducted and remains missing to this very day (she's been missing 20 years). Because I was so young I have no memory of her at all. I have only pictures and secondhand stories to piece together this person I dont know but my heart yearns to know. Although the child in me wants to believe in this fairytale shes gonna show up someday, detectives have told me many times that she is very likely deceased. 

The fact I have to say the words "very likely" is one of the many reasons I cannot seem to get over it. Without the body, without the murderer behind bars, I cant seem to get through that last stage of grief: acceptance. I had a short stint in therapy after a very bad deep depression 3 years ago but I managed to make it two months before tapping out. The therapist was aggressive in his statement to heal that I should hold a fake funeral for her in a vague attempt of closure. The idea rubbed me the wrong way to the point I stopped going. Again, my logical brain kicks in and I realize it's because the kid in me doesn't want to accept it I push away anyone who says it violently, but that some logical brain states without concrete proof she's gone, I can't possibly feel comfortable telling people or myself, she's dead.

Now why is this all blowing up to the point I feel I probably should go back to therapy? Well my half sister who shares a mother with me decided after 20 years of my mother being missing, it is time to declare her as deceased, she thinks it will help her with closure. My sister wants this and legally to go through with it I have to sign off on it or fight her on it which is not something I wanted to do. Yesterday I had to go to court and testify all the reasons why we believe/know our mother is deceased. It was the most ironic thing, to be fighting for the right to legally say my Moms dead but I pushed away a therapist for basically telling me to do this.

The strangest thing is I took charge and stated the facts almost coldly about the likelihood of her being deceased. I articulated better than my sister who wanted this, when I am leaning towards not wanting to do it. It's like a part of me is totally ready to move on but the other part of me is kicking and screaming internally. I'm the type of person who shows a stronge face to the world around me, turns cold when people try to ask me if I'm okay and then crack a joke to really solidify that everything is fine.

I'm not fine. I cried last night, I cried this morning in the bathroom before work, and teared up at my desk at work to the point I had to go outside and get air as it rained ice. I cried when I got home today, tearing up right now, and I just don't want to burden those around me to the point I act like it's all gravy. I'm also worried that because I basically don't know my mother that it's being overdramatic to even be this violently upset about a person I have no memory of. I am scared this is swallowing me up again. Basically I want to know if I'm just grieving because I'm accepting it or should I sprint back to therapy and try to work it out there? 

If you read all this, thank you. I'm very interested in replies and would like ANY advice on how to navigate this.

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Dear Lolly,

Thank you for telling us your experience. I am so sorry to hear about everything you have gone through. It is unimaginable pain and sorrow. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. It is so raw and it takes a long time to come terms with what happened. Life is so unfair and its not easy to understand.

Grief has so many ups and downs. During this difficult time after going through the court process, I think it would be better to get more supports. It really helps to have a trusted person to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Find the right counsellor or family therapist or consider joining a support group. I found these websites helpful in understanding my feelings. What's Your Grief, The Grief Healing Blog and Grief in Common.

Please know we are all here. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

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Dear Lolly,

what a painful story.  I don’t feel equipped to say much because even though I lost my mom and been through a lot, your story is unimaginable for me and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through.  You’ve expressed yourself so eloquently and I’m so touched by your story.  I do think you need extra support as reader suggested.  I think you could research a special group for people who have gone through similar tragedy.  I’m not sure a regular therapist or even a grief therapist is the right person in this situation.  I’m deeply sorry for your loss and saddened by your story.

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Well you saved face for your sister, right?  You did it for your sister it sounds like and really there is nothing wrong with that.  It's almost like a no win situation... if you fight you will lose your sister, if you don't, you lose what your heart has wanted to believe all along that your Mom is still alive.

You did what you had to do.  You didn't have much of a choice.  It's too bad your sister didn't see it your way and it's too bad your sister didn't bend toward your needs.  You were the one who had to sacrifice, and I'm sorry about that.

I'm sure you are not fine, I wouldn't be either.  You had to sacrifice something very very big.   I think you need to work on acceptance, sadly.  So much comes with acceptance. I have had to accept so many things since my Mom has passed, and it comes painfully.  I no longer talk to my sister or her daughter and my brother.  I accept it.  It doesn't mean I don't like it.  It doesn't mean I agree with what they did.  ... but I accept the situation for what it is, because I am powerless over it... and when I get upset, I move on.  I can't change it, nor did I cause it, therefore I move on.. because that's in the best interest of my health.

We are not God's and we can only do so much.  It sounds like you did this for your sister, and perhaps that was the right thing to do, maybe not... but it's what you chose... and that's okay.  You just might have to grieve this for the rest of your life and that is okay.  You were in a very tough situation, and you made a choice, you had to.. and you made it for your sister.  Sadly you were put in a corner and you had to make a choice.

Life is not perfect.. there are things that we can't control, and there are things that we don't like that will always be this way.  It's not the end of the world... it's just something we have to live with it.  You know in your heart this is not something you would have ever ever ever had done on your own... but you have a 1/2 sister who was demanding and you did it to save your relationship with her... and that's okay.

 

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memyselfandi
On 2/22/2018 at 7:02 PM, Lolly said:

Hello,

I'm new and I don't have the energy to really put effort into a profile so I hope that doesn't effect the responses. Anyways, I'll get straight into it. I lost my mother before I was two years old. My mother was abducted and remains missing to this very day (she's been missing 20 years). Because I was so young I have no memory of her at all. I have only pictures and secondhand stories to piece together this person I dont know but my heart yearns to know. Although the child in me wants to believe in this fairytale shes gonna show up someday, detectives have told me many times that she is very likely deceased. 

The fact I have to say the words "very likely" is one of the many reasons I cannot seem to get over it. Without the body, without the murderer behind bars, I cant seem to get through that last stage of grief: acceptance. I had a short stint in therapy after a very bad deep depression 3 years ago but I managed to make it two months before tapping out. The therapist was aggressive in his statement to heal that I should hold a fake funeral for her in a vague attempt of closure. The idea rubbed me the wrong way to the point I stopped going. Again, my logical brain kicks in and I realize it's because the kid in me doesn't want to accept it I push away anyone who says it violently, but that some logical brain states without concrete proof she's gone, I can't possibly feel comfortable telling people or myself, she's dead.

Now why is this all blowing up to the point I feel I probably should go back to therapy? Well my half sister who shares a mother with me decided after 20 years of my mother being missing, it is time to declare her as deceased, she thinks it will help her with closure. My sister wants this and legally to go through with it I have to sign off on it or fight her on it which is not something I wanted to do. Yesterday I had to go to court and testify all the reasons why we believe/know our mother is deceased. It was the most ironic thing, to be fighting for the right to legally say my Moms dead but I pushed away a therapist for basically telling me to do this.

The strangest thing is I took charge and stated the facts almost coldly about the likelihood of her being deceased. I articulated better than my sister who wanted this, when I am leaning towards not wanting to do it. It's like a part of me is totally ready to move on but the other part of me is kicking and screaming internally. I'm the type of person who shows a stronge face to the world around me, turns cold when people try to ask me if I'm okay and then crack a joke to really solidify that everything is fine.

I'm not fine. I cried last night, I cried this morning in the bathroom before work, and teared up at my desk at work to the point I had to go outside and get air as it rained ice. I cried when I got home today, tearing up right now, and I just don't want to burden those around me to the point I act like it's all gravy. I'm also worried that because I basically don't know my mother that it's being overdramatic to even be this violently upset about a person I have no memory of. I am scared this is swallowing me up again. Basically I want to know if I'm just grieving because I'm accepting it or should I sprint back to therapy and try to work it out there? 

If you read all this, thank you. I'm very interested in replies and would like ANY advice on how to navigate this.

I am soo sorry for your situation. Nobody can make you feel acceptance no matter what they do...including your half sister saying it's time to declare her deceased.

What makes me really uncomfortable about her trying to get some sort of closure is the fact that she's not her natural daughter..and you are. This thing should be YOUR decision..and it's up to YOU to get closure when you're ready.

While I continue to read your post, I noticed a point where your half sister felt it would help HER with closure. Seriously...this has more to do with you than it does with her..and pushing you into signing something you didn't want to sign, while your stepsister is pushing for it.

While she didn't have the relationship you did with your mom...even at two years old..one builds a relationship with their parents.

I can only imagine how tough it was..and is for you. There may be closure for your stepsister that barely knew her..but for you, her daughter..it's a different story.

You sound much like me when life is looking you in the face and you have no choice but to choose one and just make peace with it. It's not necessarily what you want...as you go to court and go through the motions like a zombie.

I don't blame you for the part of you that is kicking and screaming internally!! It's like you pretend to be fine on the outside..but on the inside you're looking for some kind of hope..and anyone that pushes you..it just makes you angry..

I understand completely why you're not fine..as you never had any closure. You sound like a very strong person..regardless what you've been though. It's okay to not be fine and cry many times!! It's NOT all gravy as good friends of yours will understand.

Thing is..you DID know the love of your mother..young as you were. That feeling doesn't disappear no matter how young you were.

Counseling will continue to help you I'm sure..but don't stop being that little girl that loved her mom to pieces!! One day you'll find peace with it..but on your own time.

Sending many blessing and hugs!!

 

 

 

 

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