Broken down, hurt, lost, and confused

[Ashley W]

Hello everyone my name is Ashley and I am new to this forum... It's been almost 4 month since I loss my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I feel like I am on a emotional rollercoaster.. I've been feeling so many emotions and feelings that I don't know how to deal with.. And no one I can honestly talk to and relate to the things I am going thru.. I hope this forum will be helpful to me because I feel as though I am on the verge of just breaking down and giving up.

[LoveD]

Ashley,

I am very sorry for your loss.  In this world nothing is worse than death.  We are in the hell.  Be tolerated.  The grieve will evolve.  I am in the 7th month and don't have many people to talk to either.  I just grab whatever related to read and to cry at the same time so it makes my bad eyesight even worse.  I still feel I got abandoned and my husband's image is still playing in my minds very often.

Enduring the pain is part of the life.  Please feel free to express yourself in this forum.

[Ashley W]

Thank you very much and I too am sorry for your loss. Yes i agree we are on hell.. not only did I lose my soulmate but I also loss my job and apartment in the first 2 months following his passing.. I feel as tho I'm getting hit with problems back to back.. I also miscarried twins back in 2009 I was 25 weeks so I still had to go thru a live birth.. I still haven't fully got over that and now here I am again mourning the loss of my soulmate... After the miscarriage I really almost lost it for awhile I even actually tried to commit suicide by taking almost 40 prescription Tylenol pills with codeine. I ended up in icu for 5 days and a 72 hour hold to make sure I wouldn't do it again..The plus side is now I have a 7 yr old who gives me the strength not to go that route again. But still everyday is a struggle..

[KayC]

Ashley,

I am so sorry for all you have gone through.  I also went through miscarriages when I was young and due to infertility had a hard time conceiving but eventually had two children, now grown and gone.  My husband died 12 1/2 years ago and I wrote this article based on what I've learned over the last twelve years, I hope something in it is of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Ashley W]

Thank you sooo much I appreciate the advice, prayers and love... (((hugs)))

[Michelene]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

 

• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.

 

 

I mentioned suicidal thoughts to my sister and she FREAKED. I had to reassure her that I thought about suicide but I was not suicidal. I also added that I was learning that there are some things you just can't express to "lay" people.

 

[KayC]

That's for sure.  One guy that was on one of my grief sites mentioned it to someone and ended up locked up!  This is a safe place to voice it, we all get it, I doubt it hadn't occurred to all of us at least once in passing.  It doesn't mean we'll act on it.  So important to give ourselves the time we need to adjust and that can take a good long while.

[Sunflower2]

keep checking in. Share.  Reach out.  We understand,  Its a place none of us wanted to be but it is a place where we have all found ourselves in.