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3 months tomorrow...


Jenn4

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Sometimes I think I post too often and maybe you guys get annoyed at me... 

here I go anyways.

tomorrow will be 3 months. It’s been 3 months since I’ve last held his hand, since the last time I saw his face.. since the last time I’ve felt whole.

today something happened that might seem easy but it was a big milestone for me. The weather in Cali is def not Cali like and today it was around 55degrees and my low tire pressure light came on. My boyfriend always made sure my car was ok, checking the air filters, the tire pressures, washing and cleaning my car.. I was flat out spoiled. When I saw the tire light my anxiety came full speed and grief came to punch me in the gut and take my breath away. Yes... it was just low tire pressure but to someone like me.. someone who never had to do anything for my car, it was scary. My bf bought me a tire gauge inflater thing and told me to always just carry it around. At first I tried to inflate the tires but sat dumbfounded on the floor. I gave up. Literally, I said screw this! If I have a flat, so be it, until I could go to the mechanic. Then after about 20 minutes of sulking I put on my big girl pants and thought about my bf. He would have told me that he prepared me for this very situation and I should just try it... so I did. I figured out how to put the air in my tires and I know if he was here he would be so proud.. I was so proud. 

My bf lives on.. he lives on in me.. his friends and family.. 

we might not have had children, but I know that there were things he taught so many people and one day when they need it.. he lives on in them and in me. So my grief is still in full force, sometimes I feel like I can’t go on and other days I feel like.. wow.. good job.. u made it 3 months. 

Maybe today is a good day.. maybe tomorrow I will be grief stricken... I honestly can’t say. Today tho... today made me realize that he will always live on in me.. the lessons learned, the love I felt, the memories I cherish. 

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So happy you had a good day! I’m only a few weeks ahead of you in the grieving process. I’ve had those days of “holy crap” I’m on my own. We own rental property and my husband managed them. Now I’m a property manager and a teacher. My role in life has changed and so has yours. It totally sucks. 

Yes, they are with us. 

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@Jenn4  I'm proud of you!  I still can't get that air pressure thing to work.  But you can always drive to a gas station and get some put in, but now you won't need to, you figured it out!  It does feel good to learn to do something we never had to before!  And Lisa, you too, you're also doing things you never expected you would, but you're doing it!  

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11 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

  I know that there were things he taught so many people and one day when they need it.. he lives on in them and in me. 

Jenn4, that is beautiful. I am the same--panicky when confronted with tasks that my husband would do. I, too, was spoiled in many ways. Then the sense of "disaster averted," when I manage to get them done, and my breathing goes back to normal and I think to my husband, thank you for helping me.  

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18 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

Sometimes I think I post too often and maybe you guys get annoyed at me... 

here I go anyways.

tomorrow will be 3 months. It’s been 3 months since I’ve last held his hand, since the last time I saw his face.. since the last time I’ve felt whole.

today something happened that might seem easy but it was a big milestone for me. The weather in Cali is def not Cali like and today it was around 55degrees and my low tire pressure light came on. My boyfriend always made sure my car was ok, checking the air filters, the tire pressures, washing and cleaning my car.. I was flat out spoiled. When I saw the tire light my anxiety came full speed and grief came to punch me in the gut and take my breath away. Yes... it was just low tire pressure but to someone like me.. someone who never had to do anything for my car, it was scary. My bf bought me a tire gauge inflater thing and told me to always just carry it around. At first I tried to inflate the tires but sat dumbfounded on the floor. I gave up. Literally, I said screw this! If I have a flat, so be it, until I could go to the mechanic. Then after about 20 minutes of sulking I put on my big girl pants and thought about my bf. He would have told me that he prepared me for this very situation and I should just try it... so I did. I figured out how to put the air in my tires and I know if he was here he would be so proud.. I was so proud. 

My bf lives on.. he lives on in me.. his friends and family.. 

we might not have had children, but I know that there were things he taught so many people and one day when they need it.. he lives on in them and in me. So my grief is still in full force, sometimes I feel like I can’t go on and other days I feel like.. wow.. good job.. u made it 3 months. 

Maybe today is a good day.. maybe tomorrow I will be grief stricken... I honestly can’t say. Today tho... today made me realize that he will always live on in me.. the lessons learned, the love I felt, the memories I cherish. 

This made me smile.  I felt exactly the same this week. One of my headlights was out and I managed to change the bulb, fill my windscreen washer bottle and change the oil on my Smartie, all by my big girl self!  The man at Halfords (where I bought the bulb) asked if I wanted him to do it for me, for the knockdown price of £10, but I could almost hear Clive snorting at me for even thinking about it, so I bought it home, fired up YouTube and did it myself.

Then I sat down and cried for an hour because I *had* to do it myself when hed always done that sort of thing for me.  Still, I felt quite proud of myself for doing it

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37 minutes ago, Skywise said:

Then I sat down and cried for an hour because I *had* to do it myself when hed always done that sort of thing for me.  Still, I felt quite proud of myself for doing it

I cry too, because he is not here to say, "I am so proud of you."  This past summer he didn't like the towels in "his" bathroom so he bought new fluffier ones. I said, "I am so proud of you! Taking charge of that bathroom!"

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@Jenn4 Your post made me smile.  It's the greatest feeling to feel what you experienced today! You did great!

My low tire light went on Sunday.  I experienced everything you shared.  Right around the corner I had access to a family owned place that does basics.  They took care of the air. My low pressure is usually due to the chrome rims but it was something Wayne usually took care of while reassuring me I wouldn't have a blow out. Experienced a blow out and not interested in experiencing another.:)

To keep it short I scheduled an appointment to bring it in tomorrow to have some cleaning and sealing done to the seat of the rim.  I wrote down exactly how it was explained to me so when I scheduled the appointment I was able to explain what appears to be going on.  I was able to take care of it walking hand in hand with grief finding a place of "normalcy" within the sadness, fear and anger that was with me.  I flashed back to what he would have said had he been here.

Those moments you experienced and shared give us hope.  They are with us.  

 

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School vacation week for me. A day to do some things I’ve been putting off. Dropped my taxes off. Met with my lawyer to talk next steps. Went to insurance company to change the name on my policies. Then bought myself new jeans. It was a tough day. It brought the reality of my life to the forefront. Talking about my husband in the past tense. Good news, i survived! Bad news, it’s really happening! 

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The thing I love about this forum is that you all know what I am feeling. I don’t need to explain to you why one day I’m happy or the next I’m devasted. It’s ok to still be “sad” or to sometimes be “happy”. I try not to cry in front of people anymore, I feel like I need to hide my grief.

Life is continuing on and it sucks that I’m doing it without the one I love. 

@Skywise what you said explains how I felt exactly! So proud I was able to do something but so sad that I HAD to do it. 

@Sunflower2 and @Lisaislost... I guess life makes us adapt to this new reality right? But I guess because we are doing it... because we are “surviving”, we r strong .. our partners made us strong.. even on those days we feel like we aren’t surviving. 

Thank you to everyone who responds to the posts or reads it... it gives my grief a voice. It makes me feel like I’m not alone in this. Although family and friends are there to comfort me, this forum is truly what has helped me the most. 

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8 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

I guess life makes us adapt to this new reality right? But I guess because we are doing it... because we are “surviving”, we r strong .. our partners made us strong.. even on those days we feel like we aren’t surviving.

Yes!  It's a calm...a storm...a calm...a storm.  Just when we may feel we are beginning to experience and accept our new reality we get hit.  This morning 3 am a huge tidal wave woke me up.  The first to this degree in a few weeks.  This hurricane decided it needn't to visit longer than I would like.  I'm aware of the triggers but the triggers were appointments I needed to get through.  Interesting because several appointments are minor yet necessary.  The big trigger is my commitment to re enter our happy place from feb. 23-feb 24th.  I didn't even think of the anniversary of his death of the 24th!   The major trigger is the beginning of telling "my story."  The guilt and regrets leading up to his sudden death.  I know there is no rush but it has re surfaced with a vengeance! The guilt and regrets.  We've shared this on this forum.  We know it creates suffering yet at the same time it is going to have to be acknowledged.  I've shared with a few that are close to me.  I may reach out to one more individual where it is safe to crumble and sob.  Major time difference so when I'm ready its 3 am in CA.  Patience and self understanding is needed for me.  I attended a support group Monday night.  My second attempt.  This is an 8 week series. It feels right so I'm following through with it.  I'm comfortable with the format of the group and the facilitators. How the small group started on our first meeting is the sharing of our story. This will be our group through the next 7 weeks.  There are 9 of us.  Everyone started with their story of their loss.  They presented it so calm so rehearsed and so stoic.  qualities I don't possess with stoic neck in neck with rehearsed. Only 3 of us were in a recent loss and all sudden.  Two of us were crying through the story.  I stopped and passed.  the guilt and pain was too painful. Everyone had a neat packaged history.  Dating, marriage, children and grandchildren.  Wayne and I didn't have that package.  Our journey was different over the 35 years.  Yet we loved.  We loved unconditionally.  So where do I start with my story?  How did others move through this. I wrote my story in my journal this morning.  From beginning to end.  Trying to simplify into a compact compartment as the other stories were presented. The guilt the regret if I ......if I this...If I that.

This is where I am at this moment!  I am not comparing or judging.  I know they all feel grief.  Out of 9, 5 were into the 2nd and 3rd year of their loss.  None were sudden. Yet grief is grief.

 

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I'd venture to say most all of you are smarter than I am.  I have no confidence when it comes to anything mechanical, by that I mean anything with two parts or more.  I'm a whiz at bookkeeping, the best, I can spot a number that's off in a report, I know how to get the desired results.  I can run an office, was a great Office Mgr and Bkpr for 45 years.  I was a great mom, did a great job raising my kids.  I can cook, sew, clean, do laundry, pay bills, and am super organized.  BUT I know NOTHING about the running of a machine.  I take my car in to have it worked on.  I shovel snow because I know how to rather than buying a plow because I don't know how to operate it or take care of it.  But somehow I've survived nearly 13 years alone and I'm doing it.  No matter how big or small our accomplishment, I know they're proud of us, we're learning to go it alone and that has been no easy feat.  I survived surgery with no one here to help me when I didn't even know if I could get up by myself once I sat down.  I managed to.  When I get scared or anxious I remind myself of all I have made it through and that I only have to deal with getting through TODAY.  Today.  I try to stay in today.

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@Sunflower2 I know what you mean about “your story” and the “ what if’s”. I normally don’t have to share the story anymore, the people close to me already know it and some people who asked... I ignored. Just a couple days ago one of his friends found out that he passed and asked for me to tell him the “story”. It was like opening up a semi healing wound and pouring salt into it. I had to retell the “story” and all those “what if’s” I’ve pushed deep down came back up to the surface. Then yesterday, his 3 month anniversary, I was just in a bad mood. Even today.. I feel extra sensitive..

 

@KayC 13 years! And you’ve survived! I can’t seem to see that far into the future, but then again... it’s a day by day process. Sometimes we are def stronger then we think we are. I’m horrible at anything car related.. and bookkeeping... :P 

hoping for a good day today.. for all of us. 

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I can't think in terms of months, I just count days.  Every morning the calender in my head clicks off another one.  Today is day 116 and I don't know if I'm counting upwards from the day he died or downwards - another day less until I get to join him. Days I can deal with. Months and years? Nope - I can't even begin to go there.   I try to keep each day in and of itself, just concentrating on what I have to do that day.

I'm actually going on holiday in March. I booked it a while ago when I just felt I needed to get out of the home Clive made for us, get far,far away and try to get some perspective. I wish I hadn't done it now. Everyone in work keeps asking me "How many days now til you go away?" And I have to answer that I'm really not sure because, well, is there another day after today? I really can't think that far ahead.

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Hi Jenn,hi guys,I recognises everything you all are saying.All these new things you suddenly have to do .Youtube has become my fallback for many things, including checking tire pressure,using torque wrench(did not even know why one would need/use one),bike maintenance,reverse camper trailer(never thought I could do that) etc.And yes, I also feel very proud of myself after completing a new task!I also turn to knowledgable friends a lot.Some for IT, another for Electrics and another for something legal,whatever.My experience is that people like helping!

Jenn, yesterday was 3 months for you.I am thinking of you and sending you good karma.Everything is still very new and raw for you.I am 20 months in so 'miles ahead of you'.Life remains difficult and painful but things have changed.The agony form the beginning has subsided and is replaced with something else.I have still good days and bad days.When I have a good day, I 'milk' it because I know that it will not last forever.Bad days have also become more like bad moments within a 'normal' day.

What I am saying is that how you feel now, will not be like how you will feel in one or two years.We will never 'get over' our loved ones but eventually some normalcy will return to our lives.

Skywise,I used to count days but now I have lost count and I purposely do not look on my calendar and 'recount'.I am going on my first holiday alone this April.I am a little scared.I still can't talk about Steve,tell people :'My husband died 20 months ago' without crying.I know that I will try to avoid that subject a little on holidays.I think you are very brave to do the holiday in March.Just bring your laptop and keep writing here.We are here, all the time.

KayC, you are now saying nearly 13 years.That is what I have to start doing saying nearly 2 years(in stead of 1 1/2) and I don't like it.George died the 19th of June, Steve died the 7th of June.And I don't think we are all smarter than you!

 

 

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