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really lost.


Darkangel99

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So its approaching almost 5 months since the love of my life died and I'm still soso lost. I have no idea if I'm mentally and physically capable of carrying on, my fiancee was lit my whole entire world and now he's gone. He didn't deserve to die at all, he was so loving, caring, compassionate, loyal I could go on forever because he didn't have a bad bone in his body the only issue I had with him is he didn't tidy up!! Just how do we carry on when we miss and love them more than this world itself? Im waiting for counselling which should take a few months just don't know hows its gonna help. How has it helped any of use guys who's been?

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I am so sorry for your loss.  You ask about counseling, the only thing I want to point out is to be sure and get a professional GRIEF Counselor, ask if they have a degree in Thanatology, not all counselors are trained in grief and some can do more harm than good if they don't understand it.  Having a good grief counselor can be invaluable, they can help guide us through this maze of grief.  Beware anyone who talks to you about "the five stages of grief" which was actually written for terminal illness and they have learned so much since then, everyone's grief journey is unique and timetable is different.

I've had both a bad counselor who claimed to be a grief counselor and was not, and a wonderful one that has helped me learn so much about grief!  I currently lead a grief support group, there had never been one in this small town in the country and it's going well.  The more we can educate ourselves the better, and there are countless books and articles on grief. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

On line grief forums can also be invaluable, providing it's the right one for you.  I'm glad you found this place and want to welcome you here.  

I wrote this article based on my twelve year journey and hope there's something in it that will be of help to you.  
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 2/13/2018 at 9:34 AM, Darkangel99 said:

So its approaching almost 5 months since the love of my life died and I'm still soso lost. I have no idea if I'm mentally and physically capable of carrying on, my fiancee was lit my whole entire world and now he's gone. He didn't deserve to die at all, he was so loving, caring, compassionate, loyal I could go on forever because he didn't have a bad bone in his body the only issue I had with him is he didn't tidy up!! Just how do we carry on when we miss and love them more than this world itself? Im waiting for counselling which should take a few months just don't know hows its gonna help. How has it helped any of use guys who's been?

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know your pain.  I was a lot like you when my Charles passed on (it still feels strange saying that) but I didn't want to go on, mentally and physically.  All I felt was hurt, pain and a sense of not wanting to continue this life without him.  Talk about feeling lost and lonely - that was a understatement.  I literally didn't know what to do or if I could go on without him. He was my entire life and without him, I felt so lonely, so desperate, I finally cried out to what seemed like an invisible God and asked Jesus to come into my heart. In that moment, something happened. I knew God’s presence and love were real, because for the first time ever, I didn’t feel alone.  I thought I would never have to fight feelings of loneliness again. But I was wrong!  I’m in the hardest season of my life, and  I lost the important person in this world to me - my Charles.  In Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 it states," To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted".   However, in the midst of our deepest heartaches, God will used our tears to heal our broken hearts, and in HIS goodness, HE gives us what we need and long for most — a CURE for loneliness and a REAL relationship with HIM!

Good for you with the counseling;  I too had individual and group counseling and they were both very beneficial to me.  You're in a very dark season in your life, but know that the pain won't last forever; Psalm 30:5 states, "........Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Your joy is coming!

Continue to post and know that you are in my prayers.

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