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I am not sure how this works. I've never posted on anything like this before. I guess I am just looking for reassurance that I am not alone. 

Two weeks ago, my closest friend and the boy that I love took his life. I feel so distraught. I pushed him away a few months ago because I have a lot going on in my personal and academic life and couldn't quite handle our relationship at the time. He did it on our anniversary. I feel like no one around me can relate to what I'm going through and I just want people who understand. I want to know that time helps and that I won't always feel as lost as I do right now. I can't imagine getting through a few hours without missing him and feeling an empty pit in my heart and I need to know that this won't last forever. Our friends just seem to be okay and I don't understand how. I want to feel okay too and I want to stop blaming myself and feeling like it's all my fault but I just don't see that ever happening

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I am so very sorry about the loss of the young man you loved. As much as you may find this hard to believe right now, time really does lessen the sharpness of the pain you are feeling. The empty, sickening feeling will fade. People deal with grief in many different ways; sometimes, people deal with grief by pretending they haven't been affected, while others fall apart openly. 

Stop blaming yourself for his death. It was his decision. You may need to really talk to a professional to deal with the intense trauma you have suffered over this. 

We will be here with you,


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Jillian ~

i am sorry beyond words for your lost !

every question, concern about how you can live beyond the total trauma of a suicide loss ~~~~ 

are all founded concerspns. And all you hope and think are true. 

One day things will be different.

this will take TIME

Give urself time

i musekf have lost two sons and one to suicide.

i know tooooo well your feelings of guilt.  Feelings that some how it was ur fault.  And somehow you coulda done something. 

Well this is one of the things I've learned.  And it took TIME.

" This is a statement ~ do I really think anyone has the power of life or death over another persons choice to live or die?"

anyway for now I just want to let u know you are not alone.     It takes time because as far as you are concerned it's so new...ur in what I labeled for my self as I looked back.  The outa your mind with GREIF stage..

and what I know is suicide loss is the worst if loss COUKD be measured. 

The first year is mostly shock and all that goes with GREIF. 

The second year us harder cause it's more real. 


Be gentle with yourself

do whatever YOU MUST to survive no matter what others say

stay away from people who add to your pain..

all for now

im hear .. I've walked in your shoes.



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Dear Jillian,

I am very sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its devastating and an extremely difficult time.

Everything you are thinking and feeling is part of the grief. Every one of us asks but what could I have done? It's only because we loved the person so much, but in reality there was nothing we could have done. I know this hurts a lot.

Please know you are not alone. And if you want to consider grief counselling or accessing resources in the community or through church.

Take care. Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Thank you all for your kind words. I am so very appreciative of the support and advice you are providing. I am also deeply sorry for any losses that you all have experienced. 

I am seeing a therapist twice a week to talk through some of my emotions which is helpful. This has hit me unbelievably hard I think because all of the deaths I've experienced have been older family members- and not especially sudden or unexpected. This being not only unanticipated but also someone my age (early 20's) and someone so close to me that I loved unconditionally leaves me so speechless and bewildered. I have just been working toward a normal routine with classes etc. 

I started a journal dedicated to Jake and write in it regularly- me and him used to leave each other notes all the time and hand write letters to each other so it feels pretty fitting. I also plan on visiting his resting place for the first time this weekend. 

Thank you again for just reading my post and being supporters. You all have no idea how much it means to me to read your words.


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