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What if it never gets easier?


Egreenwood

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Next month will mark 7 years since my sister died. She is the only person I’d unironically call a soulmate. It was a long illness and a raw, ugly experience beyond anything I could have imagined. But despite an excellent therapist and support system, I am still barely holding it together 7 years later. Her absence is an acute pain made up of guilt and anger and sadness  and lack of closure- a wound that never heals. I read about grief changing or becoming bearable, but mine hasn’t. Instead it feels like I believed I couldn’t live without her and now I’m trapped in the more horrifying truth that I can and I have to. It feels like I can’t connect with other people or get out of my grief.

Part of my problem is the idea that I SHOULD feel this way because if she mattered as much as I say she did, living without her really should be a nightmare and to have relief would be a betrayal. 

I’ve  had no luck meeting people who’ve lost a peer or sibling, which is just so unique. So I guess I’m hoping my comments won’t sound insane to this group.

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You've definitely come to the right place. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. I'm not so sure why you feel you SHOULD feel this way. I lost a brother, and while it was definitely horrific, life does go on for those of us who are still here. Your sister wouldn't want you to feel this way, would she? 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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I really, really feel you! It's been 15 years since my older brother who was 11 back then died of cancer and there's still not a day (or even an hour) when I don't think about him. It's like a quiet background to every moment of life which may get stronger or weaker but never quite disappears. I never really spoke about my feelings with family because I didn't want to upset them even more, to make them worry about me, to selfishly be the center of attention or, God forbid, pity or some special ~gentle~ treatment, to which they probably reacted by thinking that a 9-year-old won't comprehend, remember and miss much. Which, of course, isn't true because sufferings of someone with terminal stage of cancer, many chemo therapies etc, someone whose life technically stops long before he is buried, someone you used to spend 99% percent of your time with - this never fades away from your head. Most of the time I stay emotionally isolated from these sharp and painful memories but once a year or so they return in a very ugly manner. For example, once on the phone with me my mom mentioned how brother lost ability to walk after a mistake of one doctor (who made him, in unconscious state, straighten the body for CAT scan which was unbearably painful in normal condition). I resisted until the end of the call, but then burst out into the biggest hysterical cry that lasted for 40 minutes, I think. 1,5 years later I watched Home Alone with my boyfriend (which happened to be brother's favorite movie that we watched 100 times together) and the soundtrack alone brought childhood memories back, leaving me in exact the same condition as one described earlier. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a weak or fragile person: I never suffered from a divorce of parents (dad left family 2 years after brother's death), I went to live in the U.S. for a year at the age of 15 (i'm originally from Russia), I got scholarship in the best Russian university, lived away from home for 5 years without any financial support, studying and working at the same time, I jumped with a parachute alone 3 times and donated blood 34 times. But every once in a while I feel completely helpless, pointless, miserable and lonely, just making it worse by fantasizing about how life would have been with him near. And because SO many years have passed I feel like everyone forgot about his existence and feel even less right to talk about this issue with anyone, which is why I ended up writing so much text here. Above everything, my habit of not sharing feelings (which back then was almost instinctual but kinda well-intended) spreaded on other aspects of life too. Which left me emotionally distant from everyone, often putting up with inconvenience rather than channeling my displeasure and protecting my right for comfort and relying just on myself to resolve even simply daily problems (where asking others for help wouldn't burden them) to say nothing about complex, emotional ones. I never purposefully "close" myself, but every time I end up with someone (friends, colleagues, roommates, boyfriend or family members) saying "I literally never know what is on your mind". Maybe it's not normal to be so influenced by the loss of sibling, but something tell me I'm not alone.

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On 2/12/2018 at 3:12 PM, ModKonnie said:

You've definitely come to the right place. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. I'm not so sure why you feel you SHOULD feel this way. I lost a brother, and while it was definitely horrific, life does go on for those of us who are still here. Your sister wouldn't want you to feel this way, would she? 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

I struggle with that question a lot. Would she? The impossibility of knowing for sure makes me reluctant to say she would. Towards the end she was often very angry, and that was targeted at me, maybe because she knew I was the one who could understand and forgive it, or maybe because I failed her. She refused to talk about her impending death and she was often really out of it on medication. In life, I sought her opinion, approval, and validation more than anyone else and the lack of closure and the murky emotions at the end make it very hard to settle on anything I can claim to know for certain.

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10 hours ago, Elizaveta said:

I really, really feel you! It's been 15 years since my older brother who was 11 back then died of cancer and there's still not a day (or even an hour) when I don't think about him. It's like a quiet background to every moment of life which may get stronger or weaker but never quite disappears. I never really spoke about my feelings with family because I didn't want to upset them even more, to make them worry about me, to selfishly be the center of attention or, God forbid, pity or some special ~gentle~ treatment, to which they probably reacted by thinking that a 9-year-old won't comprehend, remember and miss much. Which, of course, isn't true because sufferings of someone with terminal stage of cancer, many chemo therapies etc, someone whose life technically stops long before he is buried, someone you used to spend 99% percent of your time with - this never fades away from your head. Most of the time I stay emotionally isolated from these sharp and painful memories but once a year or so they return in a very ugly manner. For example, once on the phone with me my mom mentioned how brother lost ability to walk after a mistake of one doctor (who made him, in unconscious state, straighten the body for CAT scan which was unbearably painful in normal condition). I resisted until the end of the call, but then burst out into the biggest hysterical cry that lasted for 40 minutes, I think. 1,5 years later I watched Home Alone with my boyfriend (which happened to be brother's favorite movie that we watched 100 times together) and the soundtrack alone brought childhood memories back, leaving me in exact the same condition as one described earlier. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a weak or fragile person: I never suffered from a divorce of parents (dad left family 2 years after brother's death), I went to live in the U.S. for a year at the age of 15 (i'm originally from Russia), I got scholarship in the best Russian university, lived away from home for 5 years without any financial support, studying and working at the same time, I jumped with a parachute alone 3 times and donated blood 34 times. But every once in a while I feel completely helpless, pointless, miserable and lonely, just making it worse by fantasizing about how life would have been with him near. And because SO many years have passed I feel like everyone forgot about his existence and feel even less right to talk about this issue with anyone, which is why I ended up writing so much text here. Above everything, my habit of not sharing feelings (which back then was almost instinctual but kinda well-intended) spreaded on other aspects of life too. Which left me emotionally distant from everyone, often putting up with inconvenience rather than channeling my displeasure and protecting my right for comfort and relying just on myself to resolve even simply daily problems (where asking others for help wouldn't burden them) to say nothing about complex, emotional ones. I never purposefully "close" myself, but every time I end up with someone (friends, colleagues, roommates, boyfriend or family members) saying "I literally never know what is on your mind". Maybe it's not normal to be so influenced by the loss of sibling, but something tell me I'm not alone.

image.jpg

I feel like friendships are incredibly hard after losing my sister. It feels like this elephant in the room that I won’t bring up and they could never understand. It’s even hard with my husband, who I’ve known since high school and who was close to my sister too. He cannot comprehend the depth to which I feel the loss so acutely. There are very few people in our lives who I think will hurt us this deeply when they are gone, so it’s rare to know young people who’ve lost anyone like that. I was 28 when she died, I’m 35 now and I still don’t know anyone who has lost the person closest to them in the world, or who has see what the dying process from cancer is really like. My sister was in hospice at my parents home so we cared for her and I was completely unprepared for what that woukd be like. 

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Dear Egreenwood and Elizaveta,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am in a similar situation in life. My dearest identical twin brother left us suddenly few weeks ago. He was 39, father of 2 little angels and a kind, strong and successful person.

We still don't know what took him but we believe his heart suddenly stopped. No history of any illness before that.

Believe me he was the closest confidant I ever had. We spent the maximum time together in the last 39 yrs of our existence. We were practically inseparable. Studied, played, slept, fought, travelled , drank ...we did everything together. Even after getting married we had our own lives but we're still bonded together like no other.

I too can't seem to find anyone who can even begin to comprehend my pain let alone understand. I feel alone, guilty, sad, and haunted by what ifs..my wife tries her best but she could never understand what losing a twin could mean.

I am here Egreenwood and Elizaveta ..if you need to talk. I certainly do..

Hope you find peace soon..

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Hello, dear Kapilchugh. Thank you so much for your response! I'm sorry for failing to answer immediately. Your story really touched me! If losing a sibling of different age and gender already felt like losing a part of myself, I can't imagine the pain and grief brought by the loss of a twin! Especially, when this bond was growing and getting stronger over decades, when you followed each other along every step and milestone of your lives. I am terribly sorry it happened to you and want to offer deepest condolences. 

As for me, all I have is shreds of memories, and if it doesn't numb the pain completely, it at least allows newer memories and experiences squeeze out those childhood ones. I can't imagine what I'd feel if 90% of my past were somehow related to my brother. It was like that long time ago, but at this point I lived longer without him than with him. Of course, I keep imagining how he would have looked, talked, behaved now, but not having this real image is almost better, I suppose. It also would be much harder if he died immediately, because such unexpectedness can drive you crazy, but the problem is that watching someone you love die, being unable to do anything  - this feeling gets stuck somewhere very deep in your consciousness. 

Very often among elderly couples, after one of them dies, I see people consoling themselves with thoughts like "At least it's me who has to suffer this solitude". I would be happy to carry a cross of such "altruism" if only 2 years of aggressive cancer weren't already more painful (physically and emotionally) for him than all the emotional pain I was, am or will be ever going through. This injustice makes me feel a terrible pity for him, although he wouldn't enjoy to know it. All of it also leaves me struggling to distinguish, what exactly is harder to accept: the fact he died or the slow and torturous way it happened. 
 
Of course, there's no point to constantly think "what if, what if", but when you have so little life of his to grasp, when it shrinks more and more in memory of friends and second-line relatives, you keep doing it without realizing. 
Wishing you a lot of strength, patience and inner peace!
Liza
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Hi Liza,

Thanks so much for your message and condolences. It means a lot.

I agree with you that it's impossible to know which is tougher..losing your loved one suddenly unexpectedly or watching them suffer. I used to think maybe if we had some more time together we would ve done this or that..but you never know coz I would also hate to have to see him suffer.

But I can see how strong your connection with your brother is..I mean I can still feel your pain after all these years. But you know what ..it really scares me to think that even after 15 years you miss your brother so much.. what would happen to me?? Coz I can't go on 15 months like this..

I've started taking some counseling sessions but that too sometimes touches a raw nerve.

Hope you can somehow find your comfortable space and some degree of closure soon. God knows I really need to..and soon.

Take care..

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Alex_misses_Liz

EGreenWood, Elizaveta, and Kapilchugh,

I'd NEVER wish this understanding on anyone else, but I do know how you feel and it's incredibly comforting to me to know that I am not the only one who is still struggling with all of these emotions.  I was 15 and my little sister, my only sibling, was 14 when she died of bone cancer in 2001.  If anyone was my soulmate, it was Liz.  Only 16 months apart and very similar in appearance, we did everything together.  For example, my mom tried to explain to Liz that I wanted privacy to use the bathroom and (clearly misunderstanding the concept) Liz asked if she could have "privacy with me" while looking up at me with big watery eyes.  How could I say no?  I didn't have a secret she didn't know.  I don't think I'll ever have a relationship just like the one I had with her again.  By the time Liz was diagnosed, the cancer had metastasized and we knew she only had a year left.  She told me that she was glad that she was the one who was sick because she would never want to live without me.  I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat.  Perhaps unconsciously, I actually thought that my heart would stop beating when hers did.  It was shocking that I could even live without her, and terrifying and devastating that I had to.

I also have trouble with the comment that your sister wouldn't want you to be sad.  No, of course Liz wouldn't WANT me to stop living when she died, but the comment feels unintentionally invalidating.  It's like saying, "don't cry- for her."  Well, there were a million times during that year that I didn't cry so that Liz could and I could comfort her.  In the years immediately following, I felt like I couldn't cry because my mom couldn't stop and one of us had to keep our **** together (I have a restraining order on my father- totally different story).  It's not really until now, hours of therapy later, that I feel entitled to cry for me.  It's finally my turn to express my sadness, but it feels like there's no one who wants to hear it.  Other people have moved on, my mom can't make space for me to be sad because her sadness is always "bigger" or more important, and I've never "bumped into someone" who could remotely relate.  It means a lot to me that you all exist and I don't make me feel like a self-pitying loser for mourning.  Thank you.

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Little sister

Omg I have never said this out loud to anyone since my brothers death and you are the only person I've ever heard say exactly this thought that I had. You said if your sister meant as much2 you as you said then lovong without her should b a nightmare and any form of relief would be like a betrayal. I had this exact same thought but never shared it because I felt no one would understand.I feel like my brother would say dag y'all just moved on with life without me. N I feel guilty all the time. Even though I know my brother would never actually say that unless he were making a joke. Wow I know how you feel this site does help and hearing certain things helps as well when you cant share them with the daily people in your life. Sorry for your loss

Its 3am I have work tomorrow but barely sleep anymore, guess I should attempt again to try.

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