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Dear all,

I have been a regular here for maybe 9 months.  Coming here daily, reading others stories, replying to others helped me.  Losing my mother a year ago was completely devastating to me.  The early months I was just trying to cope on a daily basis.  Then after 6 maybe 8 months, coping mechanisms I developed turned into a severe depression.  I looked ok but emotionally I was debilitated.  I didn't work for a year.  As an artist, as a person, I felt lost.  Nothing made me feel good.  I over ate, I obsessed about what I ate.  I distracted myself binge watching tv series but whatever I did I felt truly lost, alone and rootless.  I'm estranged from my family which is a good thing but then I have no one.  I wanted to work I knew it would be the only thing that would save me but I was stuck.  Stuck in this heavy dark depression.  This month I went back to my mothers country and where I was born for the 1 yr anniversary.  It was my first time going back and not staying with my mother.  I dreaded it.  I arrived at friends house to stay there during my trip and gradually things started to change for me.

My friend was so loving, so caring its the first time I felt cared for, looked after.  I laughed, things became lighter.  It was truly significant for me as it gave me courage that I could go on.  I began making plans.  Started to approach people to get a project going that I had been thinking about.  Fear held me back.  Loss of confidence.  

I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in over 15 yrs.  It lifted me that reconnection and made me feel less alone.  Each day I began working on building a future again.  

Now I am back alone in my apartment but still planting seeds to get my project going.  I'm focused where I was not before.  I'm looking forward where I was not before.  I can see the light.  

I am here one year later to share with you all that I know things feel absolutely terrible now.  Many of you will be fresh to your loss.  I know many of you feel, how can I go on?  I'm not coping, this is too hard.  Many of you I know will have complicated family dynamics as I do and feel alone.  I'm writing today after one year to say, I am finally doing better!  I still miss my mom very much.  I  still wish I could have a conversation with her, I am still sad and I will always hold that sadness with me but I am doing better.  I'm taking steps to rebuild my life.  I'm still afraid but my spirit has improved and I feel I can make it.  This is the first time I feel like that.  One year on.

So I am here today to tell you that gradually, very slowly, things will improve.  If I can survive the darkest depression of my life, you can too.  I also want to share that loss does not go away, it does not get easier, it evolves into something different.  I am learning to live with it. That doesn't mean I'm happy.  I'm not.  its still hard but I am looking forward.  Only now I believe life can go on after devastating loss.  A different life.  One has to slowly rebuild and that takes time.

I want to wish you all strength and patience.  I very much hope you will receive kindness from others because thats what will get you through this.  Love to everyone here.

 

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Dear sadandlost,

Thank you for your encouraging words.  And for giving us all hope.

I couldn't agree with you more. Kindness and hope is what we all need during this difficult time.

Thank you again.

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Hi sadandlost,
That is great news indeed :)
I've done 6 months and it does get better, it really does. In the early days, it doesn't feel like it's worth going on but over the months, the emotions subside and it starts to look better again.
Better but not best. I still miss my mother. Only this morning when I awoke, I'm thinking of doing something and I thought it would be good if I could ask mom for her opinion.
I'm still having problems cleaning out her stuff. I feel like I'm throwing away her life, our life. But I am making progress in this new life without parents.
Work is a good recovery tool, work in something we enjoy doing. I also re-evaluated my beliefs - what is life, what is death, why are we here. I lowered my expectations from this life and life has become better.
A friend who makes us laugh, like your friend, is a God-send. I had a friend like that. She helped me through dark times a decade ago but she is no longer here to help me this time. The trick was the laughter. There is nothing that can be said, there is no advice. But a good laugh is the best medicine. People who can do that are rare and precious.
All in all, it does get better but I wouldn't say it gets great. I wouldn't advertise life on earth as a great place to be but I am here and I'm stuck here so I might as well make the most of it.
Thanks for sharing. I feel better knowing you feel better :)

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Dear Tessa,

Thank you for your reply.  I know you've been on this site for many months and I have read your posts.

It is life changing losing a mother.  I have found that I understand her in a different way now she is gone.  We were very close but I seem to have a different understanding of her now.  I still miss her daily of course.  I still talk out loud to her.  I still wish she could answer.

I know how you feel about cleaning out her stuff.  I did it after 2 - 3 months.  If I didn't do it then it would be harder.  Taking her clothes to the charity shop was brutal but in another way I felt she was with me while I was doing it.  Yes its weird being an orphan.  if I remember correctly you don't have children?  (sorry if this is incorrect).  I don't either so I its a different feeling, different kind of aloneness.  My friends all have families and their own lives with them some even grandparents.  I am grateful for the love and kindness that was shown to me during my time going back.  Even if it doesn't happen like that again.  Its a new and different world without our mothers Tessa.  It takes a lot of getting used to and adjustment.  As you have experienced we view the world differently now.

I very much hope you have someone sometimes to laugh with again.  Thinking of you.

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Yes, I am in a similar situation to you - no family of my own, no parents and no regular contact with friends. Friends either live in other parts of the world or have moved on. There is not much conversation between us now.
It's now a lonely life. I find things to fill in time but there is nothing to look forward to. The only major event for me now is the dying process. Sounds morbid but I see no other options.
I could do the same things I used to do with my mother but they have no meaning now. It's just a matter of filling in time until it's my turn to depart. I just hope I go swiftly like my mother.

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I’m glad to hear you’re gonna on the road to recovery, your mom would be very proud of you for that. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, i Can’t imagine what you’re going through. I wish you the best of luck on recovery.

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