Loss Of Brother

[Dnat]

Hello everybody,

I am new to this site and am searching for some form of comfort or relation from others, I guess. I lost my brother due to cancer in October of 2015 at the young age of only 41 yrs old  and I still am having a very difficult time dealing with it. Some days are worse/better than others, but ultimately it is still pretty rough. My brother and myself were very close. He was my only sibling and was so much more than my brother, he was my friend, father.. everything wrapped in one. He was always my protector, being his little sister (3 years younger). He gave me away at my wedding due to my father's passing in 2009, and just 3 years later, who would have ever thought he would be diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and gone in 7 months time. The thoughts that go through my mind are so hurtful because I seem to fixate on when he was sick, can't seem to get passed it. I have trouble sleeping due to nightmares of him being sick and passing. I also have become an extremely light sleeper since, everything wakes me almost. I just feel so lost and alone sometimes, because like others on the site have expressed, it's hard to understand if you yourself have not experienced'endured this type of loss or heartache. My partner is also a woman and she has tried to be there for me, but it is very difficult for her. In all fairness she herself has not experienced such a close loss like this thankfully. I too feel that I am not the easiest person to deal with since the loss of my brother. Just 6 months after losing my brother, I lost my Grandma who was so very dear to my heart and precious. Everything that has taken place has left me feeling scared, alone, and very sad. I do have other relatives who love me dearly and I love back, but it just for some reason feels that you need somebody more objective to talk to who isn't themselves feeling overwhelmed in sorrows. Thanks for listening everybody and God Bless. I'm sorry for all of your pain

[Nicole-my grief journey]

I replied to your post on my wall (about your thoughtful response to me regarding my post) and then I just saw this. 

 Just like a couple of others on this site, it blows me away all the commonalities we share. I definitely share the fixation emotion among others. I’ve had it with my brother who just passed and with my other brother who passed with stage 4. I was in a relationship with an “only child” who had never experienced a big loss and I experienced strong feelings of being so alone. Like you said, I would never want them to go through that kind of pain. I just wish that as a community, we were all better at knowing how to comfort each other in times of grief. One of the best things I did back when my first brother passed, was go to a cancer bereavement group. At first, I was like F this! It was hard to get to, hard to share, there were some stories I couldn’t relate to, or times I was irritated and felt like I wasn’t listening...but I kept going and it wasn’t until after that, that I fully understood what it did for me. How it helped me.That it was such a blessing to have that resource and those people who listened to me and carried my story in their hearts. There were people who it just happened to and others that it had been years for. Everyone’s feelings were valid and thank God we were put together. All hurt, loving, people that were courageous and brave. How beautiful that your brother walked you down the eisle and that he was all those things for you. He sounds like a truly special person. I’m working on my “fixating thoughts”, by trying to exchange the grim thought, with a good memory of my brother. I’m also telling myself it’s okay and normal to have the thought, but I have to release it within so many minutes and change focus. An activity sometimes helps me like folding laundry or something repetitive that brings me back to my body. When you start fixating on the grim thoughts, try and think of that moment he smiled at you the day of your wedding, or the pride he had for you in his eyes that day. If that memory is too painful, as I know emotions are raw, think of something funny he did to you during childhood. It hurts like hell, but eventually it may help with changing that circling thought pattern. It’s been difficult for me to do, but I feel like the more I try, the easier it will get. I also do some screaming in to a pillow ;). Here’s to hoping and praying. 

Hugs,

Nicole

[Dnat]

Nicole,,

Thank you sooo very much for  your response and your kind words. If you can even believe it, it feels like just reading your words was helpful for me... you brought tears out of my eyes, but it was different... it was tears of sadness but just different ... like somebody actually understands/feels me. Thank  you for that! You are the first person who has written to me, I just joined a couple of days ago. My wife thought it was about time I do something about my unresolved feelings with my brother's passing. Although I know, just as you do... they will  never be "resolved". I guess it just eases up a bit in time. I miss him so much and can't stand what happened to him, my Mother is so broken. Then we lost my Grandma (my Mom's mother) just 6 months after my Brother.. it's been crazy to say the least! But you know all too well, Nicole. My goodness, 2 brothers, I am so very sorry  my niece (my brother's 20 year old daughter) had a baby.. she is 7 months, and I gotta tell you, she is our joy!!!! God does surely work in mysterious ways.. but then to throw another dagger in there, just a week before my niece went into labor, her mother was found dead from a heroin overdose.. so now she lost my brother and her mother just 1 week before her baby being born.. man, I tell ya. Thank goodness for sites like this and others for others to come together. Please write whenever you like. I am so sorry once again, Nicole. I'm here.

 

Dori