I'm 21 and my Dad is Dead.

[Natalbug]

There is absolutely no way to put how I feel into words, but I need help. I am not ok. I am not doing well. As time goes on it only seems to get worse not better.

His death was extremely sudden. One second he was hear, the next he wasn't. He got into a motorcycle accident in the mountains. He hit a barbed wire fence. My father was an expert rider. He knew every trail, every rock, all in memory. He was 64 years old and I am only 21. It wasn't until last week that I learned that one of the ranchers put that barbed wire on purpose, to hurt and kill riders. That rancher set a trap that my father hit, and killed him. 

The hardest part to deal with is the fact that I never called him back. He called me two weeks earlier and I never reached out. Even worse is that the day he died he was supposed to pick me up from an exam at my college. I had my mom call him and cancel the day before, my boyfriend picked me up instead. I couldn't even face him and call him to cancel or schedule the pick up. If my dad picked me up he wouldn't have died. 

The second worse part are the letters and writings he left behind. He left multiple 'good-bye' letters written years ago, in case of his death. Last week I found his journal. In it he writes how depressed he was after my parents separation in 2009. He writes how he wants the pain to be over, how he wishes his plane would crash. He also speaks about how much he misses me and how I changed and pushed him away, which was very true. It hurts so bad reading how much I disappointed him and how miserable he was for the last 9 years. 

The third worst part is the fact that I knew. I had a very strong premonition a week prior to his death. I was at the table discussing my father with my mom. I was crying because I know I've let him down and how it was weird between us for no reason, and how we wasted so much time. I then started crying and sobbing saying 'dad is going to die, dad is going to die'. She was shocked and wanted to know why I was saying that. She assured me we had plenty of time to rekindle our relationship and that he wasn't going to die for a long time. I really wish I trusted my gut. 

I'm sorry for making this so long. I just have so much to say and no one to talk to. Not even my immediately family understands. Every night I sob for hours, unable to sleep. I obsess about it. I go looking for him at night in my home, hoping to see a 'ghost'. I think about all the ways I could have stopped it. I day dream of going back in time and saving him. 

[BlueGalaxy]

Natalbug, please accept my sincere condolences for your profound loss.  My own mom passed in November of 2017 from an unexpected illness and I definitely struggle with some of the same issues that you describe in your post.  Though my dad and I called an ambulance right away when it became apparent she was ill, sadly my mom's symptoms didn't present themselves until it was too late.  I still struggle with haunting questions about signs I may have missed, or things I might have done that may have saved her life.  I've been told that this is actually a common and perfectly natural part of the grieving process, but still the unanswered questions persist.

I also had what I've come to think of as a premonition dream just days before my mom's death, and I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one this has happened to.  In my dream someone was physically assaulting my mom to the point that I feared they were killing her and I was frantically begging them to stop while I tried to call 911.  Though the dream disturbed me greatly, I brushed it off at the time as a reaction to my ongoing concerns about the state of her declining health. Now of course I wish I would have taken it more seriously.  

Having my dad so close has definitely helped me cope with my grief.  As an only child, it's always been just the three of us against the world so to speak, and he and I have certainly been relying on one another in new ways as we try to pick up the pieces of our family and move forward into our new reality.  I've also benefitted from ongoing grief counseling.  I sincerely hope that some of these things might help you too in some way.  Please know you're not alone.  

[Natalbug]

On 2/5/2018 at 1:51 AM, BlueGalaxy said:

Natalbug, please accept my sincere condolences for your profound loss.  My own mom passed in November of 2017 from an unexpected illness and I definitely struggle with some of the same issues that you describe in your post.  Though my dad and I called an ambulance right away when it became apparent she was ill, sadly my mom's symptoms didn't present themselves until it was too late.  I still struggle with haunting questions about signs I may have missed, or things I might have done that may have saved her life.  I've been told that this is actually a common and perfectly natural part of the grieving process, but still the unanswered questions persist.

I also had what I've come to think of as a premonition dream just days before my mom's death, and I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one this has happened to.  In my dream someone was physically assaulting my mom to the point that I feared they were killing her and I was frantically begging them to stop while I tried to call 911.  Though the dream disturbed me greatly, I brushed it off at the time as a reaction to my ongoing concerns about the state of her declining health. Now of course I wish I would have taken it more seriously.  

Having my dad so close has definitely helped me cope with my grief.  As an only child, it's always been just the three of us against the world so to speak, and he and I have certainly been relying on one another in new ways as we try to pick up the pieces of our family and move forward into our new reality.  I've also benefitted from ongoing grief counseling.  I sincerely hope that some of these things might help you too in some way.  Please know you're not alone.  

You got to say goodbye to your mom though, i'd give all my money away for 10 seconds to say bye to my Dad and tell him I love him. 

You're lucky to have family to lean on. I'm not as lucky. In fact the death of my father broke my family apart. My mother and I have gotten in some very nasty fights over his things and money. So nasty in fact it may result in legal settlement. There have been threats of lawsuits, civil court, and other legal threats on both sides. Even though my parents were legally married yet have been separated for the last 10 years, she feels entitled to making all the decisions. It has been very straining. 

The death of my father also lead to the death of my relationship with my mother. So now I feel like I literally have no one. Everything truly fell apart. Death makes people ugly. 

[nd123]

On 2/10/2018 at 9:04 PM, Natalbug said:

You got to say goodbye to your mom though, i'd give all my money away for 10 seconds to say bye to my Dad and tell him I love him. 

You're lucky to have family to lean on. I'm not as lucky. In fact the death of my father broke my family apart. My mother and I have gotten in some very nasty fights over his things and money. So nasty in fact it may result in legal settlement. There have been threats of lawsuits, civil court, and other legal threats on both sides. Even though my parents were legally married yet have been separated for the last 10 years, she feels entitled to making all the decisions. It has been very straining. 

The death of my father also lead to the death of my relationship with my mother. So now I feel like I literally have no one. Everything truly fell apart. Death makes people ugly. 

Wow, I'm so, so sorry. I understand what you're going through -- I'm 24 & my Dad passed away a week ago & I was not able to say goodbye to him either. He was sick & in the ICU prior to his passing, & I had the flu so wasn't able to visit him for almost a week before he passed. Even though he was in the hospital, I never even considered that we might lose him. So all of the things I wish I would've told him have been left unsaid. We butted heads quite a lot & I yelled at him when he was in the hospital for not taking his medicine, refusing to take tests, etc. But your Dad loved you, and even though you may have drifted apart, I'm sure he knew in his heart that you loved him, too. It might make you feel better to write out a letter to him. I'm not sure if you are even a bit spiritual or religious, but I do believe that when you put something out into the universe, no matter what, it is heard. Maybe you can write the letter, read it out loud in his favorite spot, or burn it afterwards, or let the letter go some other way. Perhaps that will bring you a bit of peace. 

But the **** you're dealing with in the aftermath (legal settlements, civil suits, falling out with mother, etc) is so rough. I can't even imagine having to deal with all of that on top of the grief. Make sure you are taking care of yourself & your needs as well -- I know that is easy to forget. 

You are certainly not alone -- I know this is the internet but you have a whole community here who can relate to what you're experiencing. I hope you can find the time to perhaps find a therapist or grief counseling or group therapy you can go to to help you sort all of this out. Maybe it might help if you & your mother both went to a therapy group of some sort? I of course don't know the nature of your relationship with her, but I'm sure she is also grieving in her own way and maybe the arguments you two are having about money is a result of that. Maybe try talking to her about how you feel?

Again, I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss and the tragic way in which your father passed away.