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Triggered by happiness?


Sweetheart346

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Sweetheart346

I tried unwinding from a long day by watching a movie and drinking water. While drinking water I suddenly got sad from a flashback of how my mother always drank water out of a huge bottle since she enjoyed drinking water more than I did. Then my thoughts went to how this week my paper for English class from last semester, got submitted for an award by my professor. This made me want to tell my mom but I realized that's impossible. Still, the urge to call her remained and I got even more sad since she wouldn't pick up and the number might have been given to someone else by now. It sucks how I can't enjoy things as much these days that used to make me happy. At the end of the day, I no longer have a mother to share the joy with. Friends and other family members just cannot compare to my own mother who raised me for 19 years. Another recent issue is college. Due to the toll the depression took on me, I took this semester off. It's difficult for my sister to pay for my school fees, textbooks, and rent. As a result , I have no choice but to attend a university in my city to save money on rent since it's expensive in college cities and she doesn't have money to pay for the college apartment and the one we live in now. My sister even said I wouldn't have returned next semester to the college I was at even if I stayed for the Spring, since rent is expensive. So I'll pretty much have to attend a college with a high crime rate since its located in the most dangerous part of town. It's 40 minutes away from me by car. Taking public transportation gives me more anxiety by what I've seen on them when I would take the train in high school. The college being in an unsafe place, makes it worse. It's just unfair how I got the bad end of the stick and now have to not only deal with not having a mother in my life anymore, a deadbeat dad, but also not getting to follow my dreams by going to the college I want to go to. Scholarships and grants are harder to get than jobs these days. I tried self-help books, books on grieving loss of a parent, and even counseling. They temporarily helped. Now I feel the depression creeping back in. The stress and anxiety caused by all of this, caused me to get eczema spots on different parts of my body. Nothing can be done about that either. It's really hard for me to find hope for things these days since they never work out in my favor, as shown above. For reasons I cannot control.

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Dear Sweetheart,

I'm so sorry, I know its hard. Dealing with grief is something that goes in waves.  We all feel at one point maybe we are moving a bit forward and then something will take us back. Its over a year for me and yet this week, I really struggled with my dad's passing. I have to try and continue to remind myself to be kind and gentle with myself. And tell myself, I'm going to keep going.

Sorry to hear about school. I know you are doing the best you can. For now, try to take it moment by moment. Day by day. If I think too far ahead I tend to overwhelm myself.

Please know we are all here for you. Keep talking it out with us. And try taking one baby step a day.

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.

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