When your heart is broken

[Val1]

My husband of 45 yrs passed away 6 wks ago. I just spent another day and night screaming and crying, to the point I wondered why my heart was still beating. I realized I wanted to be with him, I didn't want to feel this way anymore. I suffer from depression, that on top of my grief is so overwhelming! I am so alone and afraid of what's in store for the rest of my life. One of the last things he said to me was that he was afraid of dying.  I'm afraid of living.

[LoveD]

Val1,

I am very sorry for your loss.  Between 2 to 3 months is the most hopeless period. I found myself empty and meaningless.  I just wanted to go with my husband. Later the grief will evolve.  You will cry less and miss him terribly.  Change your mindset and don’t think about future.  Set up the small goal every day.  I know it is so hard to do it but try it.  At the same time, grasp the opportunity to read the grief related and spiritual books.  I still find my life meaningless but it is useless if I am continually depressed.  So be patient. Just cry, scream & rant right now.  The grief will change.

[KayC]

Val1,

I am so sorry.  I understand being afraid of living your life without him, I was afraid too.  In fact my anxiety kicked in full bore!  One of the greatest pieces of advice I ever got was to take one day at a time, because looking at the next forty years without him was overwhelming and terrifying.  I didn't think I could do a week, let alone forty years.  It's been 12 1/2 years now, so I guess I've figured it out.  Depressive feelings are a part of grief.  I want to share with you some things that have helped me in my 12 year journey, hoping something here is of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Tineke H]

Hi Val,

You are on this forum now and that is a first good step.Everybody here feels for you and understands what you are going through.We feel your pain.

I have found Kay's tips on how to survive after the loss of the most important person in your life very helpful.My husband died 20 months ago and whenever these tips come up I read them again and again.Today I woke up feeling very sad so I want to focus on the second last pointer: Look for joy in every day and today that is exactly what I am going to do.

I still cry most days, but my grieve has changed and life is a little more bearable that it was 20 months ago.

Coming on this forum is very helpful.Even juste reading the different threads and not necessarily writing anything yourself.I have found that a great help.