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This is not going to work


MargeeTx

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Day 9.   For some strange reason, today has been my most difficult.  Perhaps because I am expecting a call to go and retrieve Jason's ashes and the death certificates??? Everyone at Jeremy's ( younger brother) house are sick... no flu, just URI's.   I know how fortunate I am that Jason's younger brother and my 2 grandchildren live close, as his twin sister is in Alabama.  I feel as if I am falling, every time I stand up.  And, I cannot stop thinking about Jason.  

Please convince me that I will be able to survive this .   Thanks....Margarett 

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TearsInHeaven

Margarett, hang on ---you will survive this.  Collecting Jason's ashes and death certificates are never going to be an easy thing to do.  But you will.  There are going to be days that seem like you will never be able to  go on.  But you will.  Your mind, your strength, your heart are in a state of flux because this is the most unimaginable thing and you cannot prepare for it.  That is good that Jeremy is close by.  You will need him, and he will need you.  Feeling faint, understandable but not good.  Make sure you drink liquids and find someway to get in some protein---even if a granola bar.  You can only run on empty for so long and even though I am sure you really cannot think of it, you have to take care right now.  Find a spot--in your house--maybe a favorite chair-?---outside ----where you can designate your calming place.  I know that sounds weird but it will help.  When you are stressed make your way there and take some slow breaths....think about Jason and your love...maybe a childhood memory.  I use a picture of my son when he was little sitting on a swing.  I picture that swing going slowly back and forth until I feel my heart go back into my body---because you know it is beating so fast.  The swing slows it for me.  The pain will be there but you learn to manage it better.  This is a brutal time.  I can tell you it slowly evolves but right now that seems impossible. Believe me I felt that way and sometimes still do. Grief, lack of sleep, you are physically drained right now.   Come on the Loss of an Adult Child.  We have others there that have wisdom and compassion that I know you will find helpful.  I gave you instructions on your other topic.  When you get there do not start a new topic just go to the last page and post.  Pour your heart out, scream if you need to. Your grief is unique as your love for your son.  Consider this a hug and an arm around your shoulders.

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I woke up this morning from a fitful, night-Marish sleep.   Just Mike and I here.  This time last Saturday, my house was full of family and friends, waiting to go to the funeral home at 3pm to see Jason.   Some parts of me feel as if it didn't really happen;  some parts feel as if it is happening right now;  some parts feel as if it could not have happened.  I remember kissing him on his forehead, but I can't remember looking at his eyes.....mike said they were open.  I didn't see them.  We, as a family, decided not to embalm....just cremation.   So he appeared just as he did when he died.   He had some bruising on his forehead.... I am not sure if that was from his collapse or the autopsy.  Still have not received the death certificate or his ashes.  I keep reminding myself that the Medical Examiner's are really busy in the DFW METROPLEX.  ( I remember from my 10 years as a hospice nurse)  I also remember all of the autopsies I had to observe during my nursing school years....back in the early '70's.    

I cannot do this.

 

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margrarett like dianne says do not start a new post click onto  Loss of an adult child  by mom of justin  then you need to go to the very last page I think its now 2845 and has over 2 million views and post something there and you will find us you are so close. I feel for you, seeing your child who has passed on is something none of us ever thought we would ever do and we all stumbled through it somehow. Since I moved back to the UK in 2011 none of my close friends were there for Tommy's service as they are all in PA USA. Because of my ill health I suferred a serious mental breakdown shortly after my son and was very out of it for months and months. Then I broke my ankle and after several operations etc it is still ongoing. My ex husband insisted we scatter Tommy's ashes and arranged it in 2017 two days after Xmas. Even then I did not feel ready but went ahead with it coz of my children.  Lots of people do not make plans to scatter ashes until they feel ready so unless you as a family have an idea of what to do and where to do it for your son's remains  it is absolutely fine to ask for some time to think about things. There is no rush. The bruises on Jason were probably from the fall, he very likely would not have felt it. Ashes and paperwork can take a while as you know. You are not crazy because you feel distortion of time and the fact it all seems unreal I felt the same for months myself. It is a situation none of us have experienced before even if you have come across this in your nursing career it is very different when it is happening to yourself. You can do this I have faith in you.

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