Lost my mom last night. I should have visited her.

[msquito]

Apologies in advance for how long this post is. This is still incredibly fresh/raw and I need to get it out somewhere. 

 

My mom's health was pretty bad for the last seven years or so. Sometimes I thought she was lucky to have made it as far as she did given some of her habits and her overall health. The last few years in particular were not kind to her. We lost my step-dad, she lost her dad, we had to put down two very loved pets, our house went into foreclosure, and her condition started deteriorating. Three months ago she was weak but could still function. I knew the end probably wasn't too far off and I started mentally/emotionally preparing myself of the possibility that I might not have her much longer, but that came sooner than I thought. She started getting worse by the day. She was finding it harder and harder to perform basic tasks. When I'd come home from work she would lie and say that she ate this, cleaned that, etc... but I knew she was just trying to make me feel better. It got to the point where she could even sit up by herself. I installed one of those clapper devices for the lights so that she wouldn't have to sit in darkness while I was at work but she didn't even have to strength to make a clap loud enough to register with it. Her sudden drop in health came at a terrible time since we're in the process of moving to an apartment only a fraction of the size of our house and having to leave most of our belongings behind. It's a stressful time. I think she convinced herself that she had it in her to get the move done and then once the stress of that was gone she could focus on getting better. 

She was in and out of the hospital a few times. She always left against the doctors' recommendations but she was a stubborn lady. For the last three weeks when she was confined to the couch I urged her over and over again to go but she refused. I should have just forced her, not that it would've done much. Then last week she called me at work and told me she'd had enough and was ready to go to the hospital. When the paramedics wheeled her out the front doors I knew in my heart that she would never be coming in through them.

I went to visit her every day. She was uncomfortable, didn't feel good, and miserable. She never seemed like she wanted me there and would tell me not to come the following day but I always did even if I just stayed for 15 minutes. She had a couple operations and procedures done that the doctors seemed hopeful about but I could tell she wasn't getting any better. She still had her wits about her but her body was shutting down. 

Yesterday was my first day off from work in nearly two weeks. I had a huge list of important errands I needed to run that I hadn't had the time for. By the time I was done I just didn't have it in me to go see her in the hospital. I was so physically and emotionally drained from everything that has been going on that I just needed some time to myself.  She was always telling me "don't come, nothing is going on here" and I used that to justify me not going this one day. At 7PM the hospital called me to let me that she was being transferred to the ICU. She'd taken a turn for the worse. The doctor listed off some things he wanted to try and said he was "hopeful but not optimistic" but didn't want to say much more until they did some scans. I knew the end was in sight and I should get to the hospital as soon as possible but I was selfish and stayed home. As much as I hate to say this, I was enjoying being able to decompress and I didn't want to face the reality that there was a good chance I'd be going to say goodbye. So I went to bed. I stupidly thought/hoped that she maybe had at least another two or day in her. 

At 2:30 AM I was woken up by my phone ringing. I thought "It's 2:30 in the morning. Hospitals don't call people at 2:30 for good reasons. Oh my god, she's gone. Maybe not. Maybe they're just going to tell me that she is getting ready to and I should get there as fast as I can"

When I answered they confirmed my fear. She was gone. Her body just had enough and her heart gave out. 

I didn't get any sleep after that. I feel such tremendous guilt for not going to see her. I knew I should have but I just didn't. When my step-dad was dying I used every excuse in the book not to go see him. He was a big burly guy that always protected me and I couldn't stand to see him hooked up to machines like that. Then the one time I did see him he passed away 12 hours later. This is the exact opposite of that. 

I'm just all alone now. The only family member I have left is my grandmother who is up there in age. Having to call her to let her know that her daughter was dead was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

I've received an outpouring of support coworkers and friends. I'm getting messages from people I haven't spoken to in years offering their condolences. It helps and I feel very loved, but now that the shock of the situation is starting to wear off I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm a wreck. I feel like I'm getting hit by one emotional semi-truck after another. My mom is gone and I'm never going to see her again. We shared a very dark sense of humor and now we'll never be able to joke back and forth. My 30th birthday is in two days and she won't be here to help ring in the third decade of the life she gave me. I thought I'd prepared myself by frequently crying over the thought of losing her over the last year but I was not prepared for how it would actually feel.

Last Thanksgiving was tough. That's when her body really started to fail. We hadn't had a proper Thanksgiving meal in a few years and she was insistent on making one this time. She was in pain, weak, and couldn't even pick up a pan by herself but she was determined to make that dinner for us. She wouldn't even let me help aside from transporting the heavy items. I had a feeling that this would be the last Thanksgiving dinner she would ever cook for me and I hate that I was right. 

 

I miss you, Mom. 

 

[BlueGalaxy]

Hey M, just wanted to share my deepest condolences for your terrible loss.  My mom and I were in a somewhat similar situation, so I feel I can relate to some extent.

I was the only child, live in caretaker to my mom who was disabled and suffered from chronic health problems.  She also hated hospitals, and on the numerous occasions she had to be hospitalized, it was always a struggle between her and I to get her to stay when necessary.  She became ill again with a blood infection that rapidly turned into sepsis, but the symptoms didn't show themselves until it was too late.  She passed away on 11/13/17, and it was completely unexpected.  On Saturday morning I woke her up as usual and she seemed to be fine.  By that afternoon she had become so ill we had to have her transported to the ER by ambulance.  On Saturday night, she was moved to the ICU.  By Sunday morning she was on life support and by Sunday evening she had passed away.  

When she was initially hospitalized, I didn't go with but rather sent my dad because we had a dog at home recovering from a severe broken leg.  Neither my dad nor I were expecting the worst.  By the time I was able to get to the hospital, she was so unstable, they couldn't allow any visitors.  By the time I was allowed in to see her, she was already unconscious and on life support.  One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn't immediately go with her to the hospital.  My mom was my very best friend and my everything.  I tell myself that she heard me in her final hours, but I'll never know for sure.

I've been told that these regrets are a perfectly normal part of grieving.  Even her doctors told me that there was nothing more my dad and I could have done.  They said the dangerous part of Sepsis is that sometimes the symptoms don't show themselves until it's too late.   I know this in my head, but my heart is another matter.  I'm sending my thoughts and prayers your way.  Please know you're not alone.  So many of us have been there too and we can relate. 

[reader]

Dear msquito,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

Please know we are all here to listen and support each other. I know losing a parent is a terrible shock.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You went through a lot with your mom. You tried your best for her and did what you could. What you are thinking and feeling is part of the grief. It's not easy. I too went through the same thoughts. I should have been at the hospital but I wasn't, I had gone to work. When I relive that last day with my dad, I felt terrible shame and guilt. But how could we know? We always think we have more time.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.