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Not sure what I'm looking for


Hay

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Hey,

I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for - I just know it's something.

I lost my mum after a cancer diagnosis (ovarian, stage 4) It was one of the hardest things I feel I have had to deal with in all of my life. I'm 29 now and lost my mum 6 days before my 28th birthday. In the time of her battle against cancer I was married and my son arrived 7 weeks before my mum passed away. I thought I had dealt with my loss and my struggle through her illness, but I realise now I was showing the bravest face I could for all around me. I also recognise now that after mum passed away I didn't have time to grieve - my wife had post natal depression which lasted until months ago when she was able to seek help.

I feel that I'm haunted by the events which I could not process at the time, I'm anxious, low in mood and feel lost. I have an overwhelming sense of worry for my family, worrying that I'll lose them too. I have to help my dad, brother and sister in lieu of my mum. I even feel that I am struggling with my job (Work with young people who are affected by substance use) - the one area of my life where I pride myself in being very strong.

Again, I'm brought to the place where I'm not sure why I am writing this - I don't think I seek sympathy, but I feel like I can't cope. I'm usually good at self help - but it's getting me nowhere.

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Hi Hay,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mum and that your wife struggled with post natal depression.  Congratulations on your son!   That's a whole lot to deal with one after another/ at the same time.   You must be exhausted from holding everything together and you sound like a very giving and caring person between your family and profession.   I feel somewhat haunted by the events that unfolded prior to my father's death as well. While our situations are different, I too was the caretaker and helper in the family and the "strong" one everyone counts on.  I realize now as my anxiety has peaked over the last couple of months,  that I may need to take some time for myself to really sit with the loss and ask for comfort myself.  I took up running right after my dad passed and it felt great at the time but now I think I was running in more ways than one, though unintentionally.  We are just human beings doing our very best and sometimes we need time to focus on ourselves.  You may be at that point of needing to reach out as I am right now.   Whatever the case, I wish you peace and strength through this time.

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Dear Hay,

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved mum is very hard.

There is no right way to grieve. And different emotions will hit all us at different times.

Please don't be afraid to reach out and consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group. There are lots of resources in the community and through church.

Before my dad passed, I always thought of myself as very independent but the loss was devastating. Be kind to yourself and take your time to grieve and work through your feelings. Give them room to come out.

Please know we are all here to listen.

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On 2/1/2018 at 6:40 AM, Hay said:

Hey,

I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for - I just know it's something.

I lost my mum after a cancer diagnosis (ovarian, stage 4) It was one of the hardest things I feel I have had to deal with in all of my life. I'm 29 now and lost my mum 6 days before my 28th birthday. In the time of her battle against cancer I was married and my son arrived 7 weeks before my mum passed away. I thought I had dealt with my loss and my struggle through her illness, but I realise now I was showing the bravest face I could for all around me. I also recognise now that after mum passed away I didn't have time to grieve - my wife had post natal depression which lasted until months ago when she was able to seek help.

I feel that I'm haunted by the events which I could not process at the time, I'm anxious, low in mood and feel lost. I have an overwhelming sense of worry for my family, worrying that I'll lose them too. I have to help my dad, brother and sister in lieu of my mum. I even feel that I am struggling with my job (Work with young people who are affected by substance use) - the one area of my life where I pride myself in being very strong.

Again, I'm brought to the place where I'm not sure why I am writing this - I don't think I seek sympathy, but I feel like I can't cope. I'm usually good at self help - but it's getting me nowhere.

Hey there, 

Its scary how similar our stories are. I lost my mom in January of lung cancer that was diagnosed in stage 4. She was diagnosed in November and passed less than 2 months later. It all happened so fast. Similarly to you, my mom died 2 days before my birthday. My dad took her death incredibly rough - understandably - they've been together since my mom was 14 and my dad was 16. After she passed I stayed with my dad for about three weeks so I could take care of him. While I was at my dad's I felt confident that I would eventually be ok again. I was able to be strong and handle all the ridiculous paper work that goes along with this. Looking back, I think that strength was sheer survival. I had to be ok because my dad most definitely was not. Once I went back home (my dad and I live  several states away from one another) and had time be alone, I completely broke down. I've been home for three weeks now and I feel so completely broken hearted and empty. I also work in a helping profession with women and adolescent girls who have substance use disorders. Going back to work and being expected to care for others is so incredibly difficult while grieving such a devastating loss. Like you, I don't know why I'm looking for, but I think that's a part of this - being completely clueless.

I wish you all the comfort in the world. 

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