Out of Focus

[Bryce1847]

My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018.  Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other.  But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions.  What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world?  As it was happening, what was going through his mind?  What could have been so bad that this was the only way?  I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought.  (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad.  I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first.  It’s like a  fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.  

[reader]

Dear Bryce,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

I know this is an extremely difficult time. The terrible part of grief is the unanswered questions. It takes time to work through all the questions and our own feelings.

If you can maybe talk to a grief counsellor or join a support group.

Thinking of you and your family. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Kimba]

Bryce,   I am so sorry for your pain. My dad tried to commit suicide when he was in a very depressive state prior to his death from a heart attack.  I think the thoughts and reasoning why someone takes that route are different for everyone but I understand what you mean about feeling like you want to understand.  It was hard to come to terms with for me as well.   I felt constantly like I should be doing more for him, didn't he know we loved him?  we were all doing the very best we could to help. At the end I have had to come to terms with it was not something I could control or change.   I definitely recommend talking to a therapist about all you are experiencing, I hope you will find some comfort.