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Tragic loss of husband


MrsFig

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I am 30 years old. My husband,24, passed away in a car accident Monday January 22nd of this year. I am having a very horrible time with this. Any words or advice would be appreciated. Thank you. 

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I am very sorry for you loss.  My husband unexpectedly passed away six months ago.  You probably are still in shock and don’t have time to cry too much because you have to deal with a lot of procedures.  At this stage I found myself like to talk to people about my tragedy.  So please find some people to rant or keep coming back here to talk.  You are not alone.  People here all endure the heart-break.

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I am so terribly sorry for your loss.  I recently lost my girlfriend of 8 years only on January 5th so I don't have all the advice in the world to give yet.  Just take things one day at a time even one hour at at time and allow yourself to grieve.   I will say many people on here have been extremely helpful for me and have been beautiful kind people.   Everyone here has suffered a similar type of loss and I find that talking with them helps me more than talking to the people regularly in my life who while sympathetic don't fully comprehend what we have gone through.  Don't be afraid to reach out and speak out on anything you are feeling and thinking.  

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MrsFig,

I am so sorry.  Losing him unexpectedly like that...it hasn't been long, you're probably still feeling shocked by it all.  I remember just reeling when my husband died, it all felt so surreal.  I hope you have support there with you.  It helps to come here to read and write, with others who "get it" as it's hard for family and friends to understand what they haven't been through.

 I wrote this based on what I've learned in my 12 year journey following my husband's unexpected death.  We're all unique and no two grief journeys are the same, but if you can get even one thing from this, that is my hope.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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MrsFig, I am so sorry for your loss.

It is terrible, I am at my 30s as well, lost my man 7 months a go.

Try to pass one day at a time, don't give up eating and sleeping. Be with your family or people that can give you love and support.

It takes time to digest it all, make baby steps for now.

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Similar story.

He would have been 30 today. He died in November 2017.

I'm 29. Just keep seeking help -- find community, come here.

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I am so very sorry for your loss.  I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband's passing.  All I can tell you is that it is very difficult at first.  You scream, cry, get angry, can't understand why it happened, but the pain lessens a little each day.  Then when you hear a song you both loved, or see something that reminds you of him, it all comes back, and you are feeling the intensity of it all again.

The pain diminishes over time, but it never truly goes away.  Just make sure to seek out others, and definitely see a doctor or someone for grief counseling.  It does help.  God bless you, and prayers and hugs to you.

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15 hours ago, cp9042 said:

The pain diminishes over time, but it never truly goes away. 

Very true.  Thinking of you as you approach the one year mark.

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On 1/31/2018 at 9:26 PM, MrsFig said:

I am 30 years old. My husband,24, passed away in a car accident Monday January 22nd of this year. I am having a very horrible time with this. Any words or advice would be appreciated. Thank you. 

I am so very sorry for your loss and know your pain.  For me, after losing my Charles, I literally went into shock and denial. I felt  “numb,” like a spectator watching events unfold.  I just didn't lose my husband, I lost my best friend, my confidant, my “knight in shining armor.”  I was and felt angry; angry at the doctors and nurses who couldn’t save my Charles and even with God. I was angry at Charles for leaving you, and then felt guilty for this anger.  Guilty for simply being alive when my Charles was not.  Guilty for somehow not doing more to try to save him and prevent his death.  While we often told each other how much we loved one another, I felt guilty for not having  said good-bye.  The feeling of being alone caused my mind to race to the degree that I could not sleep or think clearly.   What I didn't know then was it was not unusual to experience nausea, dizziness, rashes, and weight loss.  I had become irritable and listless, felt fatigued, experienced shortness of breath, and every muscle in my body ached.

But as the shock began to wear off, I slowly began to accept that Charles' death was slowly become a reality.   I thought, “My life will never be the same again.” “I cannot change what has happened to me.” “Oh God, what am I going to do now?”  When Charles died, it changed the relationship we had with mutual friends. Those same friends we socialized with as a couple, seemed to have a difficult time interacting with me as an individual.   Life without Charles is steering me in the direction of a new circle of friends,  in particular,  people who I met in grief support groups; perhaps because our loss is a common bond.

Cope with Charles' death has made me recognize that grief is necessary; it is something you simply must work through. There are no shortcuts.  It is important to express your feelings. Take time to cry. Don’t be afraid to share your tears with others. Express your anger when you feel the need. Talk openly with family members and friends; this is a time to lean on them. Some of your friends may feel awkward for awhile because they don’t know how to talk to you about your loss. Help them by simply telling them what your needs are. Don’t try to protect anyone, even children or other family members by hiding your sadness.  If you normally have a pressing schedule, try to lighten it; grief is mentally taxing and you do not need the added strain of too much to do.  Set aside some quiet time for yourself, time when you can think about your spouse’s death and put things into perspective.

If you are worried that you are not coping well with your grief, consider talking to a grief counselor or support group to help your through your transition.  You may be relieved to discover that you are reacting normally.  For me, God and my faith in God has kept me from drowning. 

I hope you continue to post here; we all family and are here to try to help each other get through this difficult season in our lives.  Know that you are in my prayers and thoughts!

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1 hour ago, Francine said:

For me, after losing my Charles, I literally went into shock and denial. I felt  “numb,” like a spectator watching events unfold.  I just didn't lose my husband, I lost my best friend, my confidant, my “knight in shining armor.”  I was and felt angry; angry at the doctors and nurses who couldn’t save my Charles and even with God. I was angry at Charles for leaving you, and then felt guilty for this anger.  Guilty for simply being alive when my Charles was not.  Guilty for somehow not doing more to try to save him and prevent his death.  While we often told each other how much we loved one another, I felt guilty for not having  said good-bye.  The feeling of being alone caused my mind to race to the degree that I could not sleep or think clearly.   What I didn't know then was it was not unusual to experience nausea, dizziness, rashes, and weight loss.  I had become irritable and listless, felt fatigued, experienced shortness of breath, and every muscle in my body ached.

But as the shock began to wear off, I slowly began to accept that Charles' death was slowly become a reality.   I thought, “My life will never be the same again.” “I cannot change what has happened to me.” “Oh God, what am I going to do now?”  When Charles died, it changed the relationship we had with mutual friends. Those same friends we socialized with as a couple, seemed to have a difficult time interacting with me as an individual.   Life without Charles is steering me in the direction of a new circle of friends,  in particular,  people who I met in grief support groups; perhaps because our loss is a common bond.

Cope with Charles' death has made me recognize that grief is necessary; it is something you simply must work through. There are no shortcuts.  It is important to express your feelings. Take time to cry. Don’t be afraid to share your tears with others. Express your anger when you feel the need. Talk openly with family members and friends; this is a time to lean on them. Some of your friends may feel awkward for awhile because they don’t know how to talk to you about your loss. Help them by simply telling them what your needs are. Don’t try to protect anyone, even children or other family members by hiding your sadness.  If you normally have a pressing schedule, try to lighten it; grief is mentally taxing and you do not need the added strain of too much to do.  Set aside some quiet time for yourself, time when you can think about your spouse’s death and put things into perspective.

@Francine  Can I ever relate to your experience!  It goes to show this is something fairly similar for us, even though as individuals it can have some variances.

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I’m so sorry I pray god give you strength to overcome this !!! Stay strong I know words can never make you feel better but your not alone !!! I know how you feel !!!! It’s still surreal for me life is not the same !! 

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