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2017 was a bad year


DrGarGar

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In 2017 I lost two of my pets.

 

(a)    My wife and I had a beautiful black cat with vampire teeth. We rescued him from the Wisconsin humane society, and he was called Jynx when we got him, iut was perfect. We had to put him down in August, as he was in somepain, had weight loss, despite eating like a horse, and he seemed to be unhappy. I do not regret it. But I held him as he passed. I speak to his ashes daily. It comforts me,

(b)    We lost our Dog, who we had to leave with family when we moved back to my home country (New Zealand). I only saw her once (may last year) when we travelled back to show off our son who had been born in January. I told her it was OK, and thank you for waiting for me. December 30th she was euthanized with cancer that had spread everywhere.

What is hitting me hard, is these pets (and one of our remaining cats) were our kids. We had thought we would not be able to have any human children, so I invested my heart in them. I don’t regret this, but I HAVE just lost two kids. My wife does not get it, so we’ve had hard moments, where she does not get I am grief stricken. OR that I need to write and blog this out, to feel better.

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I can understand this, I got my first 'own' dog as in it wasn't a family day when I discovered I was unable to have children.  My then partner brought me a puppy because he felt it would fill the void, at the time I was so angry with him at the thought that a dog could make up for children I was unable to have but she truly did become my child so losing her after 14 years was the same as losing a child.  I am now in the same position again where I am coming to a time where I have to say goodbye to my girl Ava after almost 10 years together.  Very few people understand that not being able to have children biologically does not mean that all of the maternal/paternal feelings are switched off or shut down.  They are still there and when you get a furbaby all of those feeling, emotions are redirected to the furbaby as if they are like you're biological child.  The real difference is that children grow up and as they do they become more independant and eventually move out and live their own lives where as our babies remain as small children (someone once said to me that an adult dog is the same as a 3 or 4 year old child) they remain dependant on us and have the same idealisation with us that small children do with their parents.  Peopel with children will probably disagree with this but I think it's quite accurate.

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DrGarGar,

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  Some people get more attached to their pets than others do (I'm one who definitely does!) and everyone grieves differently, our coping skills are unique, so how one person handles it will be different from another person...add to the mix that men and women sometimes grieve differently.  In a perfect world husbands and wives would understand everything about each other, but we are individual people and not clones of each other no matter how much we love each other and are committed to one another.  It's okay that you and your wife don't grieve or feel the same about your two pets.  As long as you don't try to change each other in how you are handling it.

My pets are definitely family to me, they are like children to me, I am responsible for them, I take care of them, they are pretty much my world, especially since I am alone now (my husband died 12 1/2 years ago).  I just want you to understand that your feelings are valid and not at all out of the norm.  If you read the threads here, you'll see that most of us here feel the same way about our pets.  

I know good and well if my husband was still alive and lost a pet, he'd be on line here writing across cyberspace with others about it.  He expressed himself very well through writing, he had a professor once tell him he should be a writer .  Some people aren't so gifted or don't feel as comfortable expressing themselves through writing, some are better with the spoken word, others are more private about matters of the heart.  It's all okay, whatever we're comfortable with.

I'm very sorry you went through the C word with your furbaby, I lost my 19 year old cat, King George, to it 11 1/2 years ago, I had him euthanized because he was suffering so badly.  I've learned that grief is forever but it doesn't stay the same, it evolves as we begin to adjust to our life without them and as we hone our coping skills.  Thank God it doesn't stay in the same intensity that it was in the beginning, I don't think any of us could take that for the rest of our lives.  But we do continue to miss them.  In time the memories we have of them, instead of bringing pain, can bring a smile as we remember them.  

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@Sarah&Ava,   I probably should post this on your thread but since it was mentioned here i will leave it here for now.  Honey there is no pain like the diagnosis of infertility and though i have met people with children who understand a small amount, i honestly haven't met anyone who understands like one who has the unfortunate luck to have been there. I would not have survived it if it wasn't for my Mocha and though i don't want to share any specific details in what that means, that is the very honest truth.  They aren't just your friend, or companion, they do become your children and you love them as such.  I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you have that lot in life.  It is so painful by itself and navigating in the world of families can be ever so challenging. I know there are many pains in life when it comes to experiencing loss and i certainly am not trying to put anything above another. I just wanted to acknowledge the childlessness because i know how difficult it is. hugs sweetie.

@DrGarGar, so sorry to read about your losses.  It is very hard to get through.  @KayC has said it the best way it can be said and I hope you find some comfort among those of us who do understand your sadness. Hugs

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