Trying to Convince Myself She’s No Longer in Pain....But Who Can Relieve Me of Mine.

[Gabbymadd22]

So I lost my Mom quite recently to stage 4 Thyroid cancer. And like LITERALLY recently....nearly 24 hours ago.

Midway during my senior year in high school, my Mom was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer. At first the doctors thought it was just laryngitis....but they were WRONG because she would lose her voice for MONTHS. Finally she was properly diagnosed and it hit all of us hard but we remained optimistic because the survival rate was pretty high. We were wrong too because the cancer suddenly became stage 4 and spread to her lungs.

She did nearly every treatment: a tracheotomy, radioactive iodine, chemo....but unfortunately it couldn’t get rid of the of the cancer, but keep it stable. We took her to the ER for every little fever, shortness of breath, bleed, congestive mucous, and she always recovered. Even when she had pneumonia, a collapsed lung, and had to get a feeding tube, she remained strong. And she stayed active for as long as she could: shopping, baking goodies, homemade arts and crafts, taking care of her kids, and sweeping us off to Orlando even just for a day. Yes, she complained of pain and tiredness, but she never wanted to go to the ER out of fear of never coming home again.

About 2 days ago, we had another ER scare. Fortunately we were able to get her back to normal, but her doctor INSISTED that she got checked out. That was the last time she saw our house and never got to say goodbye. She had scans and we were told stuff she’s dealt with before, only 10X worse: BOTH collapsed lungs, pneumonia and infection affecting her weak heart. They would do what they could, but odds are she wouldn’t make it. After a familiar operation of inserting a chest tube....even more bad news came: the chest tube didn’t work. There is NOTHING more they could do. She had an estimate of 2 weeks. We IMMEDIATELY started planning on making it the BEST two weeks of her life and tried to get her to come home, but we were told she was to go to hospice to be more comfortable.

Jump to an hour later, Dad’s taking us (me and my 2 siblings) to the hospice center. We get to the room and notice she looks extremely WORSE than when she was at the hospital. Before, she looked tired but remained resilient and accepting of her news, now she looked liked my dog when he was gasping his final breaths. She couldn’t move her eyes to look at anyone, she couldn’t squeeze anyone’s hand, she couldn’t move her legs her toes. She just looked....vacant. We waited and waited and tearfully said our goodbyes, and suddenly I heard from her brother who was at her side “I think we’re losing her!” And before the nurse made it to the room to administer her next dose of pain meds, surrounded by family and extended family who she was GONE.

I felt my heart break and I cried MORE than ever. More than when my dog died, more than when I dealt with 2 breakups, more than when I had to say good-bye to a boy I couldn’t be with because of long-distance. I could feel my separation anxiety triggering, and the times when I would cry anytime she left my side started to resurface. I didn’t sleep that night....none of us did.

I keep trying to convince myself to at least be happy that she was no longer in pain. It hurt me to see her hardly able to get out of a chair and need help to use the bathroom. It hurt when she told me she hated being alone in the house because Dad had work and the kids and I were at school. She always slept on the couch and had to have someone sleep next to her (which was mostly me) in case she needed help in the middle of the night and wake up early to help her take her medicines. Now there’s no more routines. No more stress. No more finiancial issues of her expensive equipment, medicines, and doctors visits. She is at peace and suffers no more.

What about ME though? I told her if she wanted to go and no longer be in pain, we would be fine like Meredith Grey said to her husband Derek in “Grey’s Anatomy”. But I’m NOT ok. We have family here already and more flying in to help out for the funeral, but what happens when they’re gone? Dad hardly is ever home, my siblings are teenagers with jobs and social lives. Who am I gonna watch TV with when they go out? Who is gonna listen to my gossip about what’s going on with my friends? Who’s gonna tell me that they are proud of my accomplishments and they they love me unconditionally?

She’s no longer in pain, but who can take away MINE?

 

 

[BlueGalaxy]

Good evening Gabby.  Please accept my deepest condolences for your terrible loss.  Your post touched me because it sounds so much like my own experience.  My mom passed a couple of months ago, and she was quite frankly my everything.  She was disabled and in declining health in the years before her passing, so I know exactly what you mean about ER scares.  My own mom certainly had her share of them, but always seemed to persevere and recover.  The illness that took her life (sepsis from a blood infection) seemed to come out of nowhere and hit her like a truck.  I woke her up as I always did on Saturday morning and she seemed to be perfectly fine.  By Saturday afternoon she was so ill we had to have her transported to the ER by ambulance.  By Sunday morning, she was in the ICU on life support, and by Sunday evening she had passed away.  

In the weeks since her passing I've heard a lot of people make mention of the fact that she's no longer in pain.  Sadly you're right, it hasn't seemed to offer me much comfort.  Considering my mom was my very best friend my whole life and my "everything person", I'm not sure anything or anyone can ease my pain honestly.  What I have done that seems to have helped a little bit is talk to my primary care doctor.  She has set me up on a routine of short term medication and long term grief counseling.  I've also tried to keep busy by continuing to care for my dad who's also disabled.  Though my mom was somewhat estranged from her own mother and brother at the time of her passing, they've been a surprising source of support during our shared tragedy.  We've all been working hard to put our preciously fractured family back together, and while no one will ever replace my mom in my heart, I've found comfort in that.  This board has been of some comfort to me.  Sometimes just knowing that you're not completely alone in your grief makes a situation seem a bit more manageable.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.  There really aren't any words to adequately describe the feeling of a hole being punched in your soul IMO.  I hope sharing a bit of my own experiences will help give you a little guidance in your own situation.  Please don't forget...most of us here can and do relate.

[reader]

Dear Gabby,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its an extremely difficult time.

For now, just try to take it moment by moment. Please know you are not alone. We are here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking of you and your family.