Will everything ever be the same?

[MargeeTx]

Hello all:   This is one week and one day since Jason died.  I swear I thought that at my age of 66, that I could 'handle ' anything.   I have been a caretaker of others all my life, being a Registered Nurse, but now I don't know how to do ANYTHING.   Jason's twin sister is having an especially difficult time;  she told me that SHE should have died, not Jason.  I reminded her that we, here on earth, do not have control of God's decisions, and that I deeply feel that God took Jason to better care for him.  Jason was making some poor decisions...drinking/ driving, which used to petrify me.  As it happened, Jason harmed no one else when he had the pulmonary embolism/ cardiac arrest..... he pulled his truck to a medium on the road, got out of the truck, and collapsed. All of the professionals have assured me that he died then; unable to be revived by paramedics, care flight, or the hospital.

i an anxious to get his medical records and autopsy report......that is the nurse in his Mom.  I feel I will gain some type of understanding.  Is this crazy thinking on my part?

Please help me......margeetx

 

 

[Tommy's mum]

I got my son's autopsy and the police report because I am a former nurse too and my imagination was worse than anything I could read. It is not for everyone just prepare yourself because what has been seen cannot be unseen. I needed to know what killed my son, some people prefer not to know its a personal choice. There may be things in his medical records that make you sad esp concerning his drinking and family relationships etc. I admit it was not easy reading all his injuries but for me it really helped. You could get the results and choose not to read them until you feel a bit more emotionally stable after some counselling perhaps? There is no rush to do these things you do not have to make all these decisions straight away. For example I have yet to put a plaque down for my son i was not ready until this year to start making a decision about that. My kids feel differently they can put something somewhere else that feels right for them but would not agree with where I want to put mine so I shall quietly do it for myself and not tell them. Their father my ex husband caused a lot of additional stress and grief and division in our family over the funeral etc and i was not allowed any of my son's ashes either. Grief often shatters families it does not always bring people together but it can do. We all muddle our way through as best we can with the situations we find ourselves in.  you are not crazy you are missing your boy and want some answers.

[MargeeTx]

To my new friend, across the pond:

thank you again for taking your time to respond.   Are there a list of forum instructions?  I can't seem to figure out how to find my responses, posts, etc.i just received more flowers from family.  My living room looks like a flower shop.  I think tomorrow, Mike and I will take about a dozen of the arrangements to our favorite hospital and give them to patients that don't have any flowers.  I have a precious friend, who is a social worker there, and she will help distribute them.  BTW, my name isMargarett.   

Your responses are a God send.   Margarett

[Tommy's mum]

you are welcome margarett anything I can do to help you because it is a long painful and sometimes lonely journey and I have been where you now are. I will ask one of my more computer literate friends here to give you some instructions on how to find our thread ok? Taking flowers to patients who will appreciate them is a lovely gesture. Truly I believe that in helping others we help heal ourselves. It is difficult not to feel bitter at the hand we have been dealt and over time you will find you mellow a little over some things and not others. It is really a time process honestly, taking it one day at a time. take care

[MargeeTx]

Exactly one week and 3 hours have now passed since I received the news that Jason had died on Tuesday, January 23, 2018, and was pronounced at 9:26AM . I feel a deep, empty pain this morning.  I am going to brush out our mini schnauzer (Annie) and our bichon ( Cooper) for their grooming appt in the morning.  Now I wait for the call to pick up the death certificates and his ashes.  It is a very warm (70 degrees) here in the Dallas area.... not as January should be.  But it would have been great weather for Jason and his construction job.  He was certified in 'high steel work' and always told me " the higher up he was, the better". It scared me to death.  But , he loved his work.  We would pass some really high bridge, and he would say, "look Mom.....I helped build that."   

Today has been the most difficult so far.   Thanks....Margarett 

[My girl is in heaven]

Margarett. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dear son. My daughter died 6 yrs ago with some apparent heart problem, cardiac arrthymia.  And no it won’t be the same again.  It will be different though. U have to sort of reinvent yourself overtime.  Everything is so new and raw for you right now. just day to day functioning will be a chore right now.  I took all my flowers to nursing homes the day after the funeral. To this day I don’t like getting flowers.  It is a long, and painful journey, there is no getting around in. You have to go straight thru it.  You will probably notice people will start to drop off one by one as they start to go back to thier lives.  I had adr. Who I trust look at my daughters  autopsy but I never did or will want to see it.  As a medical clerk I typed them for years.  None of us ever imagined this could happen to our children.  Just remember take a day, an hour or a just a minute at a time if that’s all u can do.  I know you won’t think so now but someday you will weave your grief into this new normal life. And a bit of light will peek thru every now and then.  For now you just keep soldiering on as best u can.  Your Jason is soaring in heaven with my daughter and all the other angels gone too soon.  Just remember you do not have to go thru this alone. I will do anything I can to help you. Come on the parents site or I can email with you or even call if you want. What ever you think would best help you.  I will be holding your hands. Your friend Luanne

[TearsInHeaven]

Margarett, the loss of your beautiful son...there is nothing harder than losing a child and this emotion and grief are so raw right now. I remember that lost feeling-- and the pain--- and the anguish.  Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you.  You have come to a good place.  Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life.  You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now.    You will learn your way on this path.  .  The path is never straight forward.  Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD>  SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD."   I am 3 years and two months into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out  has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help. Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. But even though it is last on your mind, remember that you need to take in fluids and try your best to eat a little something.  Grief takes so much out of you. Reading the autopsy is something I can understand but give yourself some time to do so. As Luanne and Lesley have pointed out to you the Loss of an Adult Child is where we are all most active and Lesley asked if we could help direct you. I took a screen shot of the forum where you can find us.  

If you go to Loss of a Child then Loss of an Adult Child and click to the last page---which in this shot shows 2286 you will be taken to the most recent posts. As I just looked it is 2484 but you get the idea....

You can also from Loss of a Child- you can see if on the right hand side Loss of An Adult child is last posted as seen below and double click on the time listed. (or in the screenshot it says Just now. I hope this helps you find your way.  This is a group of supportive, compassionate people.  When you are ready tell us about Jason, or not if that is more comfortable.  We all unfortunately walk in the same shoes.