Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Dads Funeral on his 56th Birthday


Pritz

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My first day on this forum. I have been on the internet everyday for past 2 weeks trying to find a way to speak to someone, to help myself and to get move on from this. My father passed away 7 months ago, 2 days before his 56th Birthday. His funeral took place on his Birthday. To say it was a hard day would be an understatement. I kissed him in his coffin box and wished him a Happy Birthday in his ears. I hope he heard wherever he was. 

We are four siblings. I am the youngest at 28 years and live around 3 hours away from my family home. My elder siblings are all married with kids. My mum and dad had been staying at our family home since I moved out on their own. My dad had a minor and then a major stroke in between 2014-2015. My mum was his caretaker and as the single "uncommitted" child, I was the one travelling to and fro looking after them. My other siblings provided them financial support, I gave them my time.

Which has made it the hardest thing ever for me to move on from this. And even harder to explain to my family and friends how I feel. My dad was my stronghold. He was never a man who showed much emotion but he was always the man that supported us in our down days. I never ever realized how much I would miss him. Seeing him sickly for about 2 years, I thought I was better prepared. Thats hardly the case. Whats worse is the inability to express myself, to pour out my grief, to be able to breakdown completely.

I have to be strong for my mother. She stays on her own now and I visit her frequently. When I am with her, I have to be the person that's telling her that she is doing great. I have to show her that after 2 years of being mostly stuck at home because of dads sickness, she has now the opportunity to relax and give herself some time. My siblings have all got kids which gives them a distraction. They also see me as the strong independent woman and thus don't really see the sadness behind my smile.

My friends, which I have a few, are really hard to talk to. I am tired of everyone telling me to be strong and "don't worry it will get better". I have been the cheeky, chatty and bubbly kinda a person. And everyone expects me to be the same. I'm hurting inside, I am depressed, I don't know what to do! But how many times can you tell that to a friend till they think you are just feeling sad for yourself. So I paste a smile and pretend that everything is going great.

But nothing is going anywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and take a cold shower to help myself back to sleep. I go to the gym and afterwards I feel drained. I think of these really silly unimportant memories of my childhood. I have dreams that make no sense. I feel like a robot going through the motions of life. Even worse I feel like my heart has closed. I cant bring myself to date, I give myself a hundred reasons as to why this will end badly and therefore don't go at all. And all of this has started and gotten worse in the past few months.. they say i gets better over time. I think I dealt quite well with my fathers death in the first months. The months afterwards have gotten hard and harder and now I feel like I am losing it.

I apologize for the really long post. But I had to let it out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Pritz,
I lost my mother 6 months ago and what I did was - I first had to accept that my mother has gone and gone forever.
To do that, instead of thinking I have lost my mother, I reversed the thought and started thinking how lucky I was to have had my mother and for so long. There are little children who have lost their mother so I am a lucky one.
I kept telling myself that until I accepted that my mother has gone.
Next step was to get back to the rest of my life, get back to work and keep going on.
I still miss my mother, still wish she was here but in accepting that she is gone forever, I have been able to move on a little bit, just a little bit but better than being stuck in grief.
Coming to terms with the situation was an important first step for me.
I'm glad you came here and wrote to us. That is a big step. Have a read around, that helped me too. In reading that others feel the way I felt helped me let go of the emotions somehow.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.