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Almost 2 years..


DeeKay

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I lost my fiance to an ATV accident almost 2 years ago. For the first year I saw a counselor who helped me but I know I've always been tough and really didn't let myself fully get what I needed out of seeing her. My mom was recently diagnosed with Dementia, my twin sister is going on 12 years since she was in an accident getting hit by a train (she has a terrible TBI), my brother was diagnosed with MS 7 years ago and my younger brother deals with bipolar. I have always been the back bone for my family and recently I can't shake the feelings of "why is life even worth it". I haven't been able to go through my fiance's things, I live in our house and i bottle many feelings. I have less bad days and felt I was getting on track but recently I hit a wall. I stayed home from work (and I never do) because I felt I couldn't get out of bed, that the weight on my chest wouldn't allow it. I miss my fiance terribly and feel that he was the only good thing in my life and ask why he was taken from me. I met someone who has been there in ways that I never thought someone could be, I was very resistant in the beginning but now I have been letting him in more and as I do this, I feel like I'm pushing him away. I had the one.. why am I with someone else. Everyone tells me my fiance would want me to be happy but what if I think he is mad? Is that dumb to feel? And if this new man is so great, why do I feel it's going to end badly? I haven't reached out in any forums before but I've been reading so much on here and feel it was a safe place to express what I'm going through right now...

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Deekay,

im sorry for the loss of your fiancé and for everything you and your family has been struggling through. It sounds like you have experienced many unfortunate events and circumstances throughout your life thus far. Your fiancé was your rock and you said he was the only good thing in your life. Losing your partner traumatically is something no one should have to experience. I’m glad you came here and felt comfortable enough to open up, it takes strength and courage to put your heart out there. I think you will find great support and advice on here. 

I don’t think you should feel bad or guilty or think your fiancé would be mad at you for seeing someone new. But it is normal to feel that way. Opening up to another person is very scary. After all, each of us opened up and loved our partner so very dearly only to have them taken away from us. This is scary and can make us anxious about the possibility of the loss of another person we get close to and who we love. I hope you can feel comfortable discussing your feelings with this new person in your life. A few months after my boyfriend Jake died, I actually got back together with my long-term ex boyfriend and he knows about Jake and is very understanding and helpful to me. Though I am not completely open with my current boyfriend, I am allowing myself to love and to feel loved. I know Jake would not want me stuck on him and only him for the rest of my life- I am so young. There is not one day that passes where I don’t need think of him. By being with another person it does not lessen or remove the love you had for your fiancé who has passed. 

 

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@DeeKay

I am so sorry for your loss.  Going to a grief forum literally saved me when I lost my husband.  There is nothing wrong with you seeing someone else, so long as you've had time to grieve and are not trying to replace your late fiance, as each person and relationship will be different.  Feeling you could lose someone is a by-product of grief, but try not to let it stop you from living life because then that's a life based on fear and that's not healthy.

This is what I've learned on my twelve year journey, and I hope something is helpful to you as well.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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16 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

Deekay,

im sorry for the loss of your fiancé and for everything you and your family has been struggling through. It sounds like you have experienced many unfortunate events and circumstances throughout your life thus far. Your fiancé was your rock and you said he was the only good thing in your life. Losing your partner traumatically is something no one should have to experience. I’m glad you came here and felt comfortable enough to open up, it takes strength and courage to put your heart out there. I think you will find great support and advice on here. 

I don’t think you should feel bad or guilty or think your fiancé would be mad at you for seeing someone new. But it is normal to feel that way. Opening up to another person is very scary. After all, each of us opened up and loved our partner so very dearly only to have them taken away from us. This is scary and can make us anxious about the possibility of the loss of another person we get close to and who we love. I hope you can feel comfortable discussing your feelings with this new person in your life. A few months after my boyfriend Jake died, I actually got back together with my long-term ex boyfriend and he knows about Jake and is very understanding and helpful to me. Though I am not completely open with my current boyfriend, I am allowing myself to love and to feel loved. I know Jake would not want me stuck on him and only him for the rest of my life- I am so young. There is not one day that passes where I don’t need think of him. By being with another person it does not lessen or remove the love you had for your fiancé who has passed. 

 

Thank you for your reply. It is hard to reach out and ask for advice or a listening ear. I'm also very sorry for your loss. I think what my family has gone through made me strong but I'm also very conserved. I hold alot in and have realized a pattern in the continuous waves of grief. I constantly talk about my fiance but I think I don't allow myself to get sad enough and then I blow up at some point and completely fly off the handle.. my new guy is very nice and supports me and all around the best thing for me right now.. but your right about being afraid of losing someone again. And I can't shake the feeling of him not being the right person.. and am I doing this because I'm trying to compare them? Did you ever feel this way? I absolutely never want to compare because every relationship is different but is my subconscious doing something? I seem to be pushing him away.. and I then think what if this isn't a good idea.. I feel I won't be able to open up fully to anyone and if I feel this way, is it too early? I'm also young (or I'd say I am) and am just afraid I guess.

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3 hours ago, DeeKay said:

Thank you for your reply. It is hard to reach out and ask for advice or a listening ear. I'm also very sorry for your loss. I think what my family has gone through made me strong but I'm also very conserved. I hold alot in and have realized a pattern in the continuous waves of grief. I constantly talk about my fiance but I think I don't allow myself to get sad enough and then I blow up at some point and completely fly off the handle.. my new guy is very nice and supports me and all around the best thing for me right now.. but your right about being afraid of losing someone again. And I can't shake the feeling of him not being the right person.. and am I doing this because I'm trying to compare them? Did you ever feel this way? I absolutely never want to compare because every relationship is different but is my subconscious doing something? I seem to be pushing him away.. and I then think what if this isn't a good idea.. I feel I won't be able to open up fully to anyone and if I feel this way, is it too early? I'm also young (or I'd say I am) and am just afraid I guess.

Thank you. Have you been seeing a counselor to discuss/process your feelings? I know that has been helpful for me, but it has to be with the right person. It is hard to live out the daily tasks of life and process through grief.. I know for me In the first few months I felt like I had no time to really let myself get emotional or process things through, which is definitely not good because I still get very emotional when talking about Jake, and I carry a lot of unresolved/not talked about pain with me and can definitely break down at the drop of a hat depending on the circumstances and how fragile I am feeling. Unprocessed emotions can/will definitely hinder you in the long run and I suggest pushing yourself to really sit with your grief even though it is painful. 

It makes sense why you sometimes wonder if this new person is the “right one” because you lost someone you considered to be the right one but had that taken away from you. But here is the thing- how can we ever truly be certain anyone is the “right one”? There is no way to ever define that and there is no specific criteria to follow. It is very ambiguous. You just have to do what you feel is right in the moment and what makes you happy in the moment. 

I think 2 years is a fair amount of time and doesn’t seem you are rushing things with this other person in your life. I do know that for me, having known my partner I am with currently for seven years has definitely helped me not compare him to Jake, because I already know how they are each unique/different. I think you could open up to your current partner and share with him you feel you are pushing him away and see what’s his perception/understanding is. Maybe he doesn’t even think you are pushing him away. And I’m sure you are not purposely pushing him away. Traumatic loss has a way of making us act in ways we feel we have no control over - out of fear 

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On 1/29/2018 at 6:04 PM, DeeKay said:

I lost my fiance to an ATV accident almost 2 years ago. For the first year I saw a counselor who helped me but I know I've always been tough and really didn't let myself fully get what I needed out of seeing her. My mom was recently diagnosed with Dementia, my twin sister is going on 12 years since she was in an accident getting hit by a train (she has a terrible TBI), my brother was diagnosed with MS 7 years ago and my younger brother deals with bipolar. I have always been the back bone for my family and recently I can't shake the feelings of "why is life even worth it". I haven't been able to go through my fiance's things, I live in our house and i bottle many feelings. I have less bad days and felt I was getting on track but recently I hit a wall. I stayed home from work (and I never do) because I felt I couldn't get out of bed, that the weight on my chest wouldn't allow it. I miss my fiance terribly and feel that he was the only good thing in my life and ask why he was taken from me. I met someone who has been there in ways that I never thought someone could be, I was very resistant in the beginning but now I have been letting him in more and as I do this, I feel like I'm pushing him away. I had the one.. why am I with someone else. Everyone tells me my fiance would want me to be happy but what if I think he is mad? Is that dumb to feel? And if this new man is so great, why do I feel it's going to end badly? I haven't reached out in any forums before but I've been reading so much on here and feel it was a safe place to express what I'm going through right now...

First off, I would like to say that you have incredible strength to carry through all of your life events.   You've lost your finance 2-years ago.  You are still here today.  You are amazing person and it takes great work to get through what you've been through and to where you are.   Thank you for feeling confident with us here and to be kind enough to share your story and your pain with us.     What you have wrote shows us that grief is a never ending process.  The grief monster can resurface at any time.    No one here can accurate tell you why you are having trouble recently.  It may be related to unresolved grief, unresolved issues to process, or simply grief relapsing temporarily.   Who knows?   By sharing your experience, you have just helped a lot of us other newer grievers to get a glimpse at what we can potentially come across down the line.      Have you tried counseling?  Have you done any grief support groups?   It may be something that would be helpful even if you were to do it again.   I am sure you can get a lot of benefit from that as well as sharing your voice to others in need as well.

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12 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

Thank you. Have you been seeing a counselor to discuss/process your feelings? I know that has been helpful for me, but it has to be with the right person. It is hard to live out the daily tasks of life and process through grief.. I know for me In the first few months I felt like I had no time to really let myself get emotional or process things through, which is definitely not good because I still get very emotional when talking about Jake, and I carry a lot of unresolved/not talked about pain with me and can definitely break down at the drop of a hat depending on the circumstances and how fragile I am feeling. Unprocessed emotions can/will definitely hinder you in the long run and I suggest pushing yourself to really sit with your grief even though it is painful. 

It makes sense why you sometimes wonder if this new person is the “right one” because you lost someone you considered to be the right one but had that taken away from you. But here is the thing- how can we ever truly be certain anyone is the “right one”? There is no way to ever define that and there is no specific criteria to follow. It is very ambiguous. You just have to do what you feel is right in the moment and what makes you happy in the moment. 

I think 2 years is a fair amount of time and doesn’t seem you are rushing things with this other person in your life. I do know that for me, having known my partner I am with currently for seven years has definitely helped me not compare him to Jake, because I already know how they are each unique/different. I think you could open up to your current partner and share with him you feel you are pushing him away and see what’s his perception/understanding is. Maybe he doesn’t even think you are pushing him away. And I’m sure you are not purposely pushing him away. Traumatic loss has a way of making us act in ways we feel we have no control over - out of fear 

I was seeing a counselor for the first almost year and honestly, I felt like it wasn't helping me. In the beginning yes for sure, but towards the end it got repetitious and it could have been my fault as I hide many feelings - even though I shouldn't with a counselor. I have a huge family/friend support system and maybe felt that was good enough. I come from a very small community and every day can seem like a reminder just by running into so and so.. Our town lost 3 young adults that year including my fiance, Corey (all in our friend group) from accidents to health to overdose. It hit our town hard and still has everyone thinking about it. I have been told I should move and venture away to get some piece.. and I have thought immensely about it. But would I be running? Or would this finally give me the space I need. But that only opens the door of anxiety I get from leaving my family. I'm 27 but feel like I've been an adult my whole life due to my events already.

My boyfriend, Dave, has been truly amazing through all of this and I have talked to him about all my feelings and the feelings of pushing him away. He has felt this but says he understands and is there for me. He doesn't live here, he is 4 hours away and comes to see me on weekends or when he can, or I will travel there. I think this has been great for the space I continue to need. We have been talking more about the future and I think this has completely spooked me. I don't want to talk about the future as I feel life is so unpredictable and I have been trying to live just in the moment... and maybe that's not the adult decision I should be making either. You are so right about not knowing "the right one" but some how it still gives me anxiety. 

I'm very grateful for your replies, it is amazing how just talking can help a person. I am happy for you and your relationship with Jake. I have talked to a lot of people and I love hearing about who they found and who helps them. 

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

First off, I would like to say that you have incredible strength to carry through all of your life events.   You've lost your finance 2-years ago.  You are still here today.  You are amazing person and it takes great work to get through what you've been through and to where you are.   Thank you for feeling confident with us here and to be kind enough to share your story and your pain with us.     What you have wrote shows us that grief is a never ending process.  The grief monster can resurface at any time.    No one here can accurate tell you why you are having trouble recently.  It may be related to unresolved grief, unresolved issues to process, or simply grief relapsing temporarily.   Who knows?   By sharing your experience, you have just helped a lot of us other newer grievers to get a glimpse at what we can potentially come across down the line.      Have you tried counseling?  Have you done any grief support groups?   It may be something that would be helpful even if you were to do it again.   I am sure you can get a lot of benefit from that as well as sharing your voice to others in need as well.

Thank you for your reply and the kind words. Yes, grief can definitely resurface at anytime for any reason. I'm still trying to recover from my recent break down and I'm left with this homesick feeling.. even when I am home or talking with family.. it's just there. Yes, I have tried counseling for almost the first year Corey was gone and towards the end I felt it wasn't helping me. I have considered trying it again.. just because my life is so different than it was a year ago. I am from a very small community and my only access to any grief support groups would be online and this is where I have found this. Over the 2 years I've been on many many forums and sites for grief but never have spoke out, I have very thankful for the replies and time people take out of their day to reply. I will be doing the same for someone else in need also. 

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2 hours ago, DeeKay said:

I was seeing a counselor for the first almost year and honestly, I felt like it wasn't helping me. In the beginning yes for sure, but towards the end it got repetitious and it could have been my fault as I hide many feelings - even though I shouldn't with a counselor. I have a huge family/friend support system and maybe felt that was good enough. I come from a very small community and every day can seem like a reminder just by running into so and so.. Our town lost 3 young adults that year including my fiance, Corey (all in our friend group) from accidents to health to overdose. It hit our town hard and still has everyone thinking about it. I have been told I should move and venture away to get some piece.. and I have thought immensely about it. But would I be running? Or would this finally give me the space I need. But that only opens the door of anxiety I get from leaving my family. I'm 27 but feel like I've been an adult my whole life due to my events already.

My boyfriend, Dave, has been truly amazing through all of this and I have talked to him about all my feelings and the feelings of pushing him away. He has felt this but says he understands and is there for me. He doesn't live here, he is 4 hours away and comes to see me on weekends or when he can, or I will travel there. I think this has been great for the space I continue to need. We have been talking more about the future and I think this has completely spooked me. I don't want to talk about the future as I feel life is so unpredictable and I have been trying to live just in the moment... and maybe that's not the adult decision I should be making either. You are so right about not knowing "the right one" but some how it still gives me anxiety. 

I'm very grateful for your replies, it is amazing how just talking can help a person. I am happy for you and your relationship with Jake. I have talked to a lot of people and I love hearing about who they found and who helps them. 

I can relate - sometimes relationships with counselors fizzle out eventually. Sometimes it is helpful to find a new one sometimes it isn’t, it all depends on your needs. It is great that you have a big family/support system as not everyone is lucky enough to have that, so I hope they have been helpful in your journey through grief. As far as moving away, I too often wonder how I myself would feel if I moved. I’m truly not sure and I don’t lean a certain way. That is a tricky one. But again- how can we ever know what the “right” decision is? We will always have regrets or wondering because life is full of choices that’s need to be made. 

I’m glad to hear Dave has been supportive to you and you are able to be open with him, that’s important. It is scary to think about the future and serious commitments. I find myself talking abut getting engaged to my current partner and despite having known him for almost eight years, it still manages to freak me out at times. But this has something I have always been afraid of (deep down)- commitment. It also just hurts and probably always will to know that it’s not who you envisioned you would be doing these things with. I think it is okay and perfectly healthy to live in the moment and not really be one for making plans. I feel that way. Plans rarely work out the exact way you envision them in your head, and life is very fragile , people are fragile. Life is scary! 

It is nice talking to you and I am appreciative of your replies as well :) 

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DeeKay,

I'm glad you're finding help here even though the counseling didn't work out...sometimes the counselor is not a good fit, or like you say, your not being able to open up to them might be part of it.  The important thing is to find your way through this.  I'm glad your BF is supportive, that says a lot about him.

I thought of you when I read this article, even though it was loss of child instead of partner, I think some of the things she said could be related to regardless of relationship lost...such as giving herself permission to smile again.  I remember having to do that.  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/06/voices-of-experience-learning-to-be.html

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