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2 and half years after loss of father, feeling anxious


Kimba

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Hi,

I am new here so please bear with me. I am in my early 40's, married with a teen child.  My father passed away two summers ago of a heart attack. He had been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while but had been improving in those and the heart attack was unexpected.  My mother has some mental health issues and so as I've always done, I spent quite a bit of time after he passed trying to help her through it and I don't think I've given enough attention to my own loss as I've been feeling really anxious lately.  It's such a strange thing.  At work we are given a week off for the loss of a parent and that entire week is pretty much spent planning the arrangements and in a state of essentially numbness/shock (in my case anyway) and then it's like we are expected to just go back to our daily routine and pull it together.  And I did or at least I thought I did and now all this time later I am feeling like I haven't truly processed this and I'm not sure how to.  I have just started to see a therapist and plan to explore it with her but I just wondered if this is something others have experienced/ a delay in really experiencing and processing the loss I guess it is?   My dad was my rock and always the person I could count on most to give support and advice and I miss him so terribly sometimes.  I was very lucky to have a father like him as I know not everyone is that fortunate.   Just writing this is helpful so thank you to anyone who reads it and is willing to respond with their experience.      

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Dear Kimba,

I am very sorry your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Loss is so individual. Please be kind to yourself and do whatever you feel is necessary to process your loss.

Talking to one therapist she said it could take up to 5 years to accept my new normal.

From reading others experiences this is not uncommon. I think it takes our minds a long time to come to terms with what has happened. Even for myself, a year later there are still days I ruminate about what I could have done to save my dad or made his life better.

I know others will have more insight to add.

Thinking of you.

 

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Hey Kimba!  Your post called to me because I've also been struggling with anxiety since my mom passed in November.  My mom was disabled and had frequent health problems to the point that I became her live in caregiver approximately 10 years ago.  I'm her only child and while we've been best friends my whole life, we became even closer when I became her caregiver.  I started suffering from mild anxiety around that time, and I noticed it only got worse as her health continued to decline.  It got so bad that in the last year of her life, I refused to let her leave the house alone out of my paranoia that she'd have some sort of health crisis and would need help.  My dad actually had to pull me aside and have one of our "talks" about how much I was smothering her.

The illness that took her life seemed to come out of nowhere and hit her like a mack truck, so to speak.  Since my mom has passed, I've noticed that my anxiety has transferred itself to my dad, who is also disabled.  I have to assume it's only natural to feel a heightened sense of fear toward the surviving parent, and I'm trying my best to communicate my fears to him when I have them.  I'm also working closely with my primary care doctor.  She's helped me in the short term with medication, but has also set me up with grief counselling, because we both know that my anxiety can't be "medicated away".  This approach seems to be helping me somewhat keep the very worst of my anxiety under control.  I'm not sure about your specific situation, but if you're able to and haven't already, you may want to discuss it with your own doctor. 

My mom only passed a couple of months ago, so for me right now everything still just feels too big, if that makes much sense.  The medication helped somewhat in the immediate aftermath, but I'm glad that I'm no longer taking it.  Talking to my dad and my grief counselor have also been much more effective than I thought it would be.  I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss.  I hope sharing my own experiences might be helpful to you in some way.  

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Thank you both for your responses. I am sorry for your losses and appreciate your sharing your experiences so much. I have been taking some medication for the anxiety and am working on talking about my grief with a counselor.  It’s really my own fault for not making the time to slow down and process this through fully sooner so it came to get me with full force.  I mean I’ve cried of course but I haven’t really sat with it enough to make significant progress.  It’s such a huge adjustment to lose a parent even when our roles have reversed and we are caretakers to them. They are the people who’ve known us the longest.  

Thanks again for your thoughts and I wish you peace too.

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So I was thinking maybe if I wrote out what I want my dad to know it might help me heal a little so here goes.

Dad,

You have always been someone I could count on and the calm among the storm.  No one is perfect, but you taught me so many things and were always someone I could be proud of. Even at the end when you were depressed and feeling so lost, I knew that you had just worked so hard for so long and were tired.  It wasn't your fault and I don't blame you for any of the hard times we had before you passed.  I will always feel so proud to be your daughter.  The kindness and patience you always showed anyone you met, was probably one of your greatest strengths.   I am so thankful you were my dad and all you did for our family in the good times and the bad.     I love you and I hope you have found peace.

 

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