Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

I am so lost right now


Traycb

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I don't know where to start, about 6 months ago I was in a bad place, I had recently experienced the death of my mother in law and the breakup of a 17 year relationship. I met this great guy and for once I was happy again. We got along so well, my kids liked him, I felt like he was my soul mate. I knew he had previous addiction issues but he was doing so good. I saw him on January 17th, we watched a movie and I took him home. I tried to call him after work the next day no answer, I tried to call him everyday after that and it went right to voicemail. I thought maybe his phone was broken, or he just needed space . I thought about going to his apartment but its in a locked building and I would not be able to get in. Thursday detectives showed up at my job to tell me he had died from a drug overdose on the 19th and they were investigating. No-one knew how to get ahold of me, they just knew I was Tracy and worked at a cat clinic. Im just so lost and empty right now, I can't stop thinking about him, I cry constantly. He had no service, all I have to remember him by is a few pictures and a bandana. I know our time together was short but he meant so much to me. I don't know what to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry. I know what it's like to lose the love of your life. Our hearts will always feel heavier because we have to walk around every day knowing we've lost the person with whom we were supposed to share our whole lives.

It's been two months for me. I'm sorry, I have no real words of wisdom -- just stick around here, it's a great, supportive, environment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know what the feeling is like when you can't get a hold of someone and you begin to fear the worst.  It is very similar to what I experienced three weeks ago.  There is no explanation and this world is such a cruel place sometimes.   It is still very fresh in my mind so I can only help so much with advice but like lovingstill said, stick around here and talk to everyone.  It is a wonderful community that has been so supportive with their words since I first posted here.  Being able to open up to others that are currently sharing the same pain as you helps get things out there that maybe is harder to communicate to the ones in our lives.  They may not fully understand but everyone here does.  We are all here for each other and to get through these tough times together.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Traycb, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This is a terrible journey and there is nothing good that will come out from it. A number of emotions and feelings will erupt over the next few weeks and months and at times, things will feel very intense and the pain could be delibitating.  Be kind to yourself and take care of your needs.  Do what you need to do, which means crying if you have to.  And despite what "people outside" think, crying is perfectly OK.     When I lost my wife, I cried everyday for the first 4 months.   And when I finally skipped a day, I thought that was something wrong with me!     You mentioned that you didn't know what to do.   Don't worry about that.... no one knows what to do..... not even anyone here.  All we an do is take it a day at a time and what we do the following day all depends on the prior.  No need to think out about the future.   Just do what it takes to get your through today, or the moment for that matter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tracyb,

your story sounds so similar to mine and that breaks my heart because I understand the pain you feel. I went through some very, very hard times in my life on top of a recent break up, and then I met my boyfriend, Jake. He seemed to make life better and happy again. He was my biggest support and biggest motivator. He made me so very happy and feel so free and made me understand what it feels to be really truly loved. I thought my boyfriend was sober for the short few months I had known him, but I found him dead in his apartment.

I too feel Jake was my soulmate. And I am so very angry. It has been over eight months now since his passing and I still have such varying waves of emotions. I only knew him and loved him for such a short period of time but time means nothing. What matters is the quality of your relationship and what the two of you shared. It will take time to feel okay. Other people may try to downplay your grief because of how brief your relationship was - almost everyone I knew tried to downplay my grief. If there is anything I could offer you is just take time to be with your emotions and don’t pay attention to the advice of others who have not gone through the loss of a partner. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you, it is truly comforting to know someone out there understands. I don't know if I will ever be able to let anyone in on that level again. Its so heartbreaking

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 minutes ago, Traycb said:

Thank you, it is truly comforting to know someone out there understands. I don't know if I will ever be able to let anyone in on that level again. Its so heartbreaking

It will take time, but one day it may happen when you are ready. I know the feeling. Nothing will ever feel the same or as good as it used to be with him. But maybe one day it might be, must remain open despite wanting to crawl in a hole and never come out 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
11 hours ago, Azipod said:

Traycb, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This is a terrible journey and there is nothing good that will come out from it. A number of emotions and feelings will erupt over the next few weeks and months and at times, things will feel very intense and the pain could be delibitating.  Be kind to yourself and take care of your needs.  Do what you need to do, which means crying if you have to.  And despite what "people outside" think, crying is perfectly OK.     When I lost my wife, I cried everyday for the first 4 months.   And when I finally skipped a day, I thought that was something wrong with me!     You mentioned that you didn't know what to do.   Don't worry about that.... no one knows what to do..... not even anyone here.  All we an do is take it a day at a time and what we do the following day all depends on the prior.  No need to think out about the future.   Just do what it takes to get your through today, or the moment for that matter.

Thank you so much, Im just going to focus on getting through stages of the day. Im very sorry about your wife

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Oh Traycb, how hard!  I am so sorry!  I know there's nothing we can say to make you feel better, there's no "fixing this" but I hope our being here will be of help to you.  You may have already read this on another's thread but I want to make sure you have access to it on yours as well...it's what I've learned over the last twelve years...some you may relate to, some you may not feel applies, but if anything helps, that's good.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
44 minutes ago, Traycb said:

Thank you so much, Im just going to focus on getting through stages of the day. Im very sorry about your wife

Traycb... Hang in there.  In the beginning, we must take baby steps, I cannot stress the importance of taking it a moment at a time.   I'm sure you have waves of grief that seems relentless and does not let go.   Although we need to process and face our grief, doing so every moment of the day can be very tiring (we are in this for the long run --- this doesn't end in year 1, 2 , 3 , or 4, etc.).  So try to keep busy as well.  Pack a balanced schedule so you can tend to life needs, but still have time to grieve.   And strike a balance so you're doing both and adjust as necessary.    Be easy on yourself.   Even if you manage to do a simple task, like doing the laundry, or vacuuming your house, make sure you give yourself a little pat on the back.  All of lifes simplest things we've done in the past are now grueling work because of the grief we carry.  Each week, you will reflect back on how you made it through that week, you'll be amazed at how you've made it through, but it is possible.  Use that strength to carry you on the next week.     This doesn't eliminate your pain, but hopefully it gives you some strength to power through the early struggles of losing a partner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

In those early days, just getting out of bed is a feat.  Someone said to try to do one thing each day.  I had to work, no choice, and that was really tough, especially when it was hard to focus or think, but in time the distraction was welcome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/30/2018 at 10:02 AM, KayC said:

In those early days, just getting out of bed is a feat.  Someone said to try to do one thing each day.  I had to work, no choice, and that was really tough, especially when it was hard to focus or think, but in time the distraction was welcome.

I agree, I have to go to work as well and the distraction is helpful

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.