Year of firsts is almost over since he's been gone

[Teddi]

My husband  will have passed away a year ago on February 4. It doesn't seem possible it's been a year almost.  The year of firsts is the first holiday, anniversary, birthday, etc. without them. I still miss him terribly and always will.

[M88]

Hi Teddi.  Time after loss of our soulmates takes on a different feeling altogether.  I am into my third year of widowhood yet my hubby’s death still feels so recent.  Maybe it always will.  

Hugs. 

[Teddi]

I think you're right, time feels different now, like this whole last year is a blur almost. We were married 35 years and there is a big void in my life now. No, I dont think you really get over it, you just learn to live with it.

[KayC]

Teddi,

I remember that first anniversary of death so well...I felt I deserved a badge for surviving the years of "firsts without", no easy feat.  The second year didn't bring much relief either, it took me about three years just to process his death, although everyone's different.  Now at 12 1/2 years out, I have gotten used to living alone, adjusted about as well as one can, processed it all, accepted (not to be equated with "like") that this is my life now, but there's not a day goes by but what I don't miss him, incredibly.  Everything reminds me of him, still.  There are times it's really hard and I really need him, like when something hard happens like going through surgery alone, no one to take care of me afterwards, or losing a pet and him not here to go through it with me, or losing a job and no one else's income to fall back on, but mostly it's the everyday stuff, him not here to hold me, to talk over our day with.  And now that I'm 65 and growing old alone, I can no longer drive at night and I know he would have been happy to drive me around.  

My thoughts and prayers go with you as you continue this journey.

[Azipod]

Many thanks to everyone who have posted here.  All of the posts are inspiring and helps us "new grievers" understand what this journey is about. It gives us realistic expectations on what's to come down the road.  It's also very helpful for us to see the strength in other people.   Your strength gives us strength.  Thank you.

[Michelene]

i was waiting to catch a plane today and my friend and I heard a child crying, "Mommy, mommy!" Maybe because she is a mother she picked up on the special note of panic in the girl's voice. She went over and told the little girl, "Your mommy is right over there, you just can't see her." She helped the little girl up and pointed out where her mother was. The mother came over and the little girl stopped crying. I thought, that is me, crying for my husband, where are you where are you? Maybe from where I am now, emotionally, spiritually, physically, I can't see him but he is still near. But not so I can see, but that doesn't change the fact that he is still near. 

I hope so. 

[KayC]

Michelene,

What a beautiful analogy!  We forget that they are "still there", our minds are so finite, we forget there is a whole realm beyond this one.  That's one thing I like about looking at videos of the universes, stars, suns, galaxies beyond ours.  This is such a small part of a much larger whole!  We forget that, we tend to think our whole world is what we can see and touch from here.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Azipod said:

Many thanks to everyone who have posted here.  All of the posts are inspiring and helps us "new grievers" understand what this journey is about. It gives us realistic expectations on what's to come down the road.  It's also very helpful for us to see the strength in other people.   Your strength gives us strength.  Thank you.

And we appreciate your being here, you have helped so many people, watching you progress through this has been inspiring to many.

[Sunflower2]

@KayC thank you for sharing your experiences.  I often wonder about this first year concept.  Your experience acknowledged what I feel.  The end of the first year is simply the end of the year.  It is not the end of our grief. It isn't the magical fix.  It is encouraging to hear about your progress.  I will look forward with hope not a magic fix.

[Stonesie]

On 1/27/2018 at 5:54 PM, Teddi said:

My husband  will have passed away a year ago on February 4. It doesn't seem possible it's been a year almost.  The year of firsts is the first holiday, anniversary, birthday, etc. without them. I still miss him terribly and always will.

I passed the first anniversary of my husband's death on Christmas Day.  It still is impossibly hard.  Most of December and half of January are just mushed together...and unfortunately I don't really care anything about the good things of the holidays, though I put on a happier face for my grandson and daughters.  I just hope for peace, someday.  And perhaps some sort of acceptance.

Hang in there!  You're in the right place here.

[KayC]

I've often heard it said that the second year is harder than the first.  My personal take on that is that it may be because people EXPECT it to be over after a year...it is not.  Nor is it after two years, etc.  I think our level of expectation colors our perspective.  Personally, I don't think much could be harder than the shock of learning he was dead, and trying to move through the fog of those early days, oh my God, that was hard!  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, my body reacted with severe edema.  Trying to make decisions when I couldn't even think, plan a funeral when I had no clue (my pastor deserted me and went on vacation the next morning like nothing had happened).  All of those details to attend to when everything seemed so insignificant in comparison to my husband dying!  I couldn't understand how the sun could go on shining!  How can people be hustling/bustling about their business when my whole world just ended!  Can't get much harder than that.  Sure, I know we're in shock and when that wears off and everyone goes home once they think it's safe enough to leave you on your own (when is that, two weeks?  Two months?).  People I'd thought were my close friends disappeared.  (Great, I lost my husband, now I lost my friends too???)  Having to go back to work at a job where I needed to be perfect and I found myself making mistakes I couldn't even fathom, my brain clearly wasn't working!  How could year two possibly be as bad as that first one?  Sitting at the table with my kids on Christmas and his chair was empty.  Getting face-slammed by his Christmas ornaments and stocking...how to handle that?  Put them up?  I wanted to bolt!  

To me nothing was worse than year one.  All of the firsts without.  But years two, three, four, etc. are by no means "through it" or "over it", that doesn't happen.  Twelve years later I still miss him, still talk to him each and every day.  You might think I was obsessed!  But then I was obsessed by him in real life...life with him...that brings a smile.  HE brought smiles.  I miss him.  This is a rest-of-my-life thing.  I thank God I "got used to it" and am no longer expecting to hear his voice on the phone or expect to see him come through the door...that startling realization again and again made me relive the reality that was so hard-hitting.  I've learned to live alone, learned to do everything myself or hire it done.  The one thing I can't hire is someone to make me feel like all is right with the world, which is how I always felt when he held me.  I miss that most of all.